tuesday cleanup

main
iOS 3 years ago
parent 49406a1353
commit 14685ff501

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"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2022-04-08 Dej Ag.md\"> 2022-04-08 Dej Ag </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2022-04-09.md\"> 2022-04-09 </a>"
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@ -4022,6 +4047,7 @@
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@ -331,15 +331,15 @@
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@ -524,13 +524,6 @@
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@ -90,7 +90,7 @@ This section does serve for quick memos.
%% ### %%
&emsp;
- [x] 12:49 [[2022-04-18|Memo]], [[@Lifestyle]]: check the Tennis Club at the top of the mountain 📅 2022-04-23 ✅ 2022-04-23
- [ ] 14:12 [[2022-04-18|Memo]], [[@Lifestyle]]: Find a cleaner 📆2022-04-24
- [x] 14:12 [[2022-04-18|Memo]], [[@Lifestyle]]: Find a cleaner 📅 2022-04-24 ✅ 2022-04-25
- [x] 14:30 [[2022-04-18|Memo]], [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Alias]], [[Configuring Fail2ban]]: check (imported) nginx filters 📅 2022-04-23 ✅ 2022-04-23
- [x] 17:54 [[2022-04-18|Memo]], [[@Lifestyle]]: Look up the afrench sailing circle 📅 2022-04-25 ✅ 2022-04-23

@ -13,9 +13,9 @@ Stress: 40
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 45
BackHeadBar: 35
Water:
Coffee:
Steps:
Water: 2.4
Coffee: 2
Steps: 9909
Ski:
Riding:
Racket:

@ -0,0 +1,104 @@
---
Date: 2022-04-25
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: Yes
Sleep: 6.5
Happiness: 90
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 40
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 45
BackHeadBar: 35
Water: 2.36
Coffee: 6
Steps: 7764
Ski:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
title: "Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2022-04-25
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2022-04-24|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2022-04-26|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2022-04-25Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2022-04-25NSave
&emsp;
# 2022-04-25
&emsp;
```ad-abstract
title: Summary
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title: "Daily Note"
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# 2022-04-26
&emsp;
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title: Summary
collapse: open
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This section does serve for quick memos.
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Loret ipsum
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# Down the Hatch, by David Hill
The carnival midway is anchored at one end by a Ferris wheel, a mainstay since George Washington Gale Ferris Jr. erected the first of its kind at the Chicago Worlds Fair in 1893. At the other end is its antithesis: the Fire Ball, a thrill ride that consists of a single loop, roller-coaster cars rocking back and forth until they gain enough momentum to swirl perilously around the circle. Between the two lies the extent of the Tri-County Fair: a nebula of vivid lights, fried food, and laughter. Driving up to the fairground at night, it appears all at once, lit like a beacon. None of it was here four days ago, and as with any good apparition, none of it will be here tomorrow.
“I can hear you getting restless,” said the Great Gozleone, a large man, tall and round in his sequin-trimmed suit, with a baby face that made him seem younger than his forty years. He was standing on a makeshift stage welded to the side of a tractor trailer parked in a vast field under a massive vinyl tent in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee, next to a long-dormant speedway. Around him hung a row of canvas banners depicting oddly outfitted figures swallowing swords, electrocuting themselves, and otherwise incurring all manner of pain and disfigurement for our entertainment.
“Cat? Did you say cat? Or bat?” Gozleone asked.
A young girl in the audience shouted a word, but nobody sitting on the dirt and cedar chips could hear her above the din of the rides and games. Gozleone was scrawling words on a whiteboard. He wrote “cat.” This was a memory act, in which Gozleone claimed the ability to recall long lists of random objects generated by the crowd. It was one of a number of acts that he and his fellow performers would trot out over the next hour. A “ten-in-one,” in carnival parlance—ten shows for the price of one. The memory act was the opener, the newest addition to the show.
Gozleone finished his list, and strolled to the other side of the stage. He asked the crowd to shout out a number, any number.
“Seven!”
“Seven is keys,” he said, staring off in deep concentration, hands lifted to shield his view.
“Ten!”
“Ten is ice cream,” he recalled.
“Two!”
“Two is,” and here he faltered, “Spider-Man.”
The crowd shouted “*No!”* all together in dismay.
“No?” Two was not Spider-Man. The Great Gozleone shrugged and retreated behind the curtain as the next act, a pickpocket with a curled mustache and round spectacles, came out to hammer a six-inch nail into the center of his head.
Gozleones real name is Tommy Breen, and he is the owner and operator of the World of Wonders, the oldest traveling sideshow in the United States. For the past eighteen years, Breen has spent nine months of every year out on the road, traveling the country with the company—first as a sword-swallower, then as a front-talker (never call them carnival barkers), later as a partner, and now as the sole proprietor. His way of life marks him as an endangered species, a relic of another era, hanging on even in normal times by a thread. For seven decades, the World of Wonders has performed at thousands of fairs and carnivals like this one, a perennial certainty in so many small, rural communities in America. But as with any perennial, if they miss one season, it isnt a certainty theyll return for the next.
The Tri-County Fair in Atwood, Tennessee, was the first gig of the year for the World of Wonders, and it had been a tough stand for the traveling crew: Earlier that night, the dirt-bike daredevils had crashed inside the Globe of Death. The night before, the sideshow had been cut short by an amateur wrestling exhibition; the audience had rushed out of the tent at the opening bell. Now Gozleone had blown the memory act. To make matters worse, he had blown it every night of the fair so far.
It was an inauspicious start to the cautious revival of the carnival season after the long interregnum necessitated by the pandemic, which presented the outdoor amusement industry with a challenge it hadnt faced since, say, the Great Plague of London, which led to the cancellation of the Bartholomew Fair in 1665. (The Spanish flu in 1918 stalled some traveling outfits for just six weeks or so.) The modern American carnival business is nothing if not resilient. It has persevered through war, depression, and ecological acts of God. Through it all, it has held its place in the cultural firmament, largely unchanged in form and function from the original carnivals that toured the country following the 1893 Worlds Fair. COVID-19, however, put the business on its ass. “We thought it would be three or four weeks,” Greg Chiecko, the president of the Outdoor Amusement Business Association, told me. “Our people are used to working hard. They set up and take down iron and move from city to city. To sit down and do nothing for a year drives them crazy.”
The 2020 season was largely wiped from the calendar. Fairs across the country were postponed or canceled with little notice, including those in three counties surrounding Atwood. Carnival concessionaires depend on a summer season filled with outdoor events to make their living. Realizing the hit his business would take, a local entrepreneur bought a nearby racetrack that had stood empty for four years, and rallied some of the concessionaires and amusement companies that also depended on the fairs. In a matter of weeks, they had organized an event.
Atwood, a community of just under a thousand people, is surrounded for miles in every direction by cotton fields and farmlands. To get there, you have to journey three miles from the nearest major road. Its not only in the middle of nowhere, that is—its also well hidden there. For people in communities like this one, tradition is paramount, and the carnival seemed to do more than just entertain; it reinforced the regions social connective tissue. Though it may have been a risk, it was a risk the county was willing to take.
My presence in Atwood the following season was no accident. In a sense, it was destiny: I come from carny blood. My grandmother Hazel got hitched to a carnival man named Eric shortly before I was born, and they spent my early childhood traveling the country, fleecing the midway marks with a rigged game called the Razzle. The Razzle men, also known as flat-store operators, were carnival royalty. In Peter Fentons industry memoir *Eyeing the Flash,* he writes that they “wore golf hats and silk shirts, and they received pedicures. They could afford a house trailer or a room at the Sheraton.” Eric and Hazel were no “forty milers,” carnival figures who ran mostly hometown shows. And unlike me, they were no “First of Mays,” who joined the show at the start of the season but rarely made it the full nine months. Eric and Hazel spent their lives on the road, so much so that when Eric was arrested for the murder of a fellow carny when I was six, the police listed “traveled with carnival” as his prior address.
In the Seventies, when the two of them were on the road, business was booming. An estimated eighty-five million people went to carnivals each year. The industry employed hundreds of thousands of people, accounting for hundreds of millions of dollars in annual profit. Still, carnival operators were nervous about the future. Fairgrounds were an incredibly valuable real estate development—worth as much as ten thousand dollars per acre—that were only being used less than two weeks a year. The cost of operating a traveling carnival, with its ever-growing collection of massive thrill rides (what carnies call “brightly lighted pig iron”), increased every year, cutting deeper into profits. The carnival historian Joe McKennon, writing in 1972, wondered, “How many fairs as they are constituted today can survive another ten years?” And Ward Hall, the founder of the World of Wonders, in his memoir *Struggles and Triumphs of a Modern Day Showman,* lamented that by the end of the decade, he and his peers felt “a bit depreased \[*sic*\] and uncertain for the future.”
There have been some ups and downs since then. Highly publicized accidents on carnival rides have led to stricter safety regulations and higher insurance premiums. And competition from theme parks and other entertainment options has surely cut down on attendance over the years. Still, before the pandemic, the outdoor amusement sector was thriving. According to Chiecko, carnivals are part of a $1.8 billion industry that serves around five hundred million people every year. And the business model looks almost exactly the way it did in 1972, or for that matter, 1932. The carnival midway, with its Ferris wheels and Zipper rides and whirling swings and duck-pond games, has stood the test of time. Perhaps thats part of the appeal: the midway feels familiar. Theres comfort in seeing the carnival pop up at fairgrounds year after year, and in knowing that this generation will feel the joggle of the Tilt-a-Whirl just as you once felt it, that they will fare no better at knocking over the milk bottles or sinking the basketball in the hoop.
That isnt to say that the carnival hasnt changed at all. In the Thirties and Forties, what McKennon refers to as the industrys “golden age,” flat-store operators like Eric and Hazel developed a reputation for not just fleecing the marks, but downright skinning them, leaving angry citizenry to confront the next show that blew through town. It didnt matter whether a carnival was a “Sunday School”—one free of gambling and bawdy attractions—all were expected to answer for the sins of the show that came before them. As a result, the industry went to great lengths to ostracize any opportunistic or dishonest operators.
The Razzle games are mostly gone. The modern midway is free from overt gambling, though sometimes expensive prizes are used to entice attendees to pony up to play something they can never win. The games are more or less fair, the catch being that the prize is usually worth a fraction of the cost to play. Not that this stopped workers from doing all they could to never part with so much as a single teddy bear. I observed a steady stream of camouflage-clad teens try to knock over the milk bottles with a softball to win a Kobe Bryant jersey or a video game console. None of them questioned why the game runner needed to keep a rubber band around one of the bottles so he could tell it from the others, or why it took him an eternity to set them back up after each failed attempt. They merely questioned what was off about their aim.
The replacement of gambling games with “slum joints” like these was accompanied by the replacement of so-called freak shows with “working acts”—feats that could be learned by any performer, in contrast to “natural-born acts,” which were once the stars of American midways. Ward Halls World of Wonders went through just such a transformation. Once populated by what Hall called his “very unusual friends,” the show adapted to the American publics cultural sensitivities. By the Eighties, it consisted mostly of working acts like sword-swallowing and stage illusions, the sort of thing you might expect to see at a magic show. Hall fought new laws criminalizing the showcasing of human oddities in court, but he changed the show all the same. He spent his “winter quarters”—the months of the year when carnival operators come off the road to do maintenance and prepare for the next season—developing new acts, reinventing the show year after year to keep up with changing tastes.
Today Breen runs the World of Wonders much the same way. Each winter provides him an opportunity to take a hard look at the show and reimagine it. Hes more than a performer—hes a self-taught engineer, a jack-of-all-trades. Breen had gone from learning how to talk the Bally to learning to weld iron, wire lights, and drive an eighteen-wheeler. “Its all problem-solving,” he said.
I had first seen the World of Wonders years ago at a local fair with my kids, and was enchanted. It wasnt so much the performances, though I found them charming: it was that the endeavor felt as though it had been transported from an earlier epoch. It felt like a precious, if somewhat sordid, time capsule of lost Americana, held together by duct tape and wire in the back of a truck, reanimated each week in some new parking lot or patch of earth. The carnival was a vestige of a time and place I never knew, but had, in a sense, been steeped in as a child.
After my first encounter with the show, I followed the group on social media and caught up with them whenever it was feasible. But in the early days of the pandemic, they announced theyd be taking the show off the road for the time being. When I finally reached out to Breen to ask what was next, he invited me to come see for myself. At the time, I hadnt left my basement in over a year. But I felt ready to reenter the world. What better way, I figured, than to tour America with the carnival?
The fairgoers in the World of Wonders tent were not overly optimistic. Even folks from the smallest of towns know that when youre sitting on cedar chips watching a show on the back of a semitruck, you should probably temper your expectations. The long-standing bargain the sideshow has made with its audiences over the past century is this: these acts may not be great, but at least there are a lot of them. A svelte young woman who went by Hexli gyrated onstage, performing an eccentric and precise belly dance, then delicately climbed a ladder made of swords. The resident strongwoman, Luella Lynne, dressed like a game-show hostess in a shimmering sequin dress and high heels, proceeded to bend steel bars and break shackles with her bare hands, with nary a bead of sweat. The pickpocket, Les S. Moore, pounded nails into his head through his nose while keeping up a steady stream of jokey patter. (This was the “blockhead,” a sideshow act almost one hundred years old. Despite Moores attempts at humor, the audience seemed mostly horrified, shielding their childrens eyes.) Then Gozleone was back to close the show, making good on his earlier failure. After swallowing flaming torches and breathing plumes of fire, he brought out a terrifying array of swords and saws, and began to dip each blade into his stomach. “Down the hatch without a scratch,” he quipped. With each new sword he slid into his throat, he bent over ninety degrees and held his mouth open wide to show the crowd that the blade was truly inside of him. It was, frankly, gross. It was also incredible. By the end of the show, the audience was no longer simply being charitable. They were appalled and amazed.
As the last revelers departed the fairground, the performers prepared to disassemble the makeshift venue, load it onto their trucks, and head to the next town. Breen came out in a red apron and basketball shorts, his suit carefully sequestered in his RV behind the tractor trailer. Breens partner, the strongwoman Lynne, also came out in an apron and workout clothes, as did Hexli, the belly dancer, and Moore, the human blockhead. The costumes had been replaced by T-shirts and work gloves. For sideshow performers who typically ply their trade in bars and other traditional venues, working the World of Wonders is a badge of honor. Its the last real sideshow in America, supported by tent stakes that have been part of the operation since the beginning. Any performer who wants an authentic sideshow experience has to hang sidewall and hammer those ancient stakes into the ground. Once the crowd leaves, the performers shed their superpowers and revert to the same status as everyone else on the midway—they become carnies. Everybody has the same job: to tear down the show.
At around 10 pm on closing night, as we pulled up the stakes, I began to question whether my carnival ancestry would be enough for me to hack it out on the road with this crew. As Hexli and I rolled up long strips of vinyl tent, I asked her how long she thought it would take, and she said she had no idea how wed get the eighty-foot-long tent and the forty-four-foot stage, as well as the props, walls, poles, stakes, lights, and banners, all stowed away before sunrise. “It took us days to put this up,” she shrugged. “And it was still probably the hardest work Ive ever done in my life.”
My carny blood would prove insufficient. By 1 am, I was soaked with sweat. By 3 am, I was covered in a film of dirt. As we pried the stakes out with giant nail pullers, I marveled aloud to Breen how the crew had hammered them so deep in the first place. “At least we had dirt,” he replied. “When we get to Louisiana we have to put this thing up in the hottest parking lot on earth.” When I asked how we were supposed to do that, he pointed to the truck, where one wall was lined with about fifteen sledgehammers.
“We sling sledge,” he replied. “Same as it always was.”
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_21.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_21-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
Showmens Museum
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_22.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_22-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_25.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_25-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
Luella Lynne
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_26.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_26-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
Rosie
The World of Wonders sideshow was started by Ward Hall and his young partner, Chris Christ, in Gibsonton, Florida (known in the carnival business as “Gibtown” or “Showtown, USA”), in 1966. Hall had been touring with a version of the show since he purchased it for a thousand dollars in 1951, and he had been in the business, first as a prop hand, then as a performer, since 1944. His initial foray into owning and selling tickets to his own show was an attraction he made by putting two baby dolls melded together into a jar filled with ink-tinted water, and letting ticket buyers believe it was the genuine article. He parlayed that jar into a vast collection of attractions, illusions, and performers that he took on the road.
Hall was a visionary, constantly generating new ideas for the sideshow and ways to keep it fresh from season to season. But he lacked the technical and organizational skills needed to keep the wheels turning as World of Wonders grew. When Hall bought a semitruck to cart around the act, according to Breen, he didnt learn how to drive it, and eventually wrecked it because he never figured out how the air brakes worked.
An enthusiastic performer in Halls shows, Christ became the behind-the-scenes showman, doing everything from driving the truck to welding steel to booking dates. Together the two men built the World of Wonders into an operation that would outlast all of their competitors.
Breens first experience with the sideshow was a “wild man” act at a fair in New York in the Eighties. Wild man shows, also called geek shows, usually featured a man, often someone on the fringes of society—alcoholics were not uncommon—who was paid to wear a costume, grow his hair out, and “perform” several times a day by biting the heads off live chickens and snakes. The Bally talkers—the carnies who persuaded fairgoers to buy tickets—would tell people these geeks were wild men from some faraway locale like Borneo. The shows did impressive business, but by the time Breen visited one as a child, they had already become considerably tamer. Geek shows drew the attention of animal-rights groups as early as 1960, and in time the act was sanitized. The wild men of later years were merely disheveled and loud, and Breen was unimpressed.
As a teenager, Breen played in punk bands and was an avid fan of professional wrestling. As he grew disenchanted with his suburban New Jersey adolescence, his thoughts drifted back to the fairs of his youth. “I want to get the fuck out of here,” Breen said, recalling his mindset. “My bands never going to make it, Im never going to be a wrestler. Its like, well, Ill join the circus.” The trouble was, he didnt have a talent he could contribute. “I cant be an acrobat, I dont like clowns,” he said. So he committed to learning the art of sword-swallowing in his parents basement. He experimented with whatever he had, even teaching himself to swallow a necklace and pull it out his nose. But he kept his skills a secret for years, along with his plans to run away.
Then, in 2005, Breen saw an ad on Craigslist for a sideshow performer. The ad had been placed by Hall, who was still running the operation, though his show had few of the natural-born acts it had once been famous for. In their place, the lineup consisted mainly of stage illusions. There was the spider girl, a rather ridiculous-looking giant fake spider on a twine web that appeared, with the help of mirrors and optical illusions, to have a womans head; and the headless woman, a comparatively impressive effect where a living, breathing woman sat in a chair with metal tubes and wires hooked up to her neck where her head shouldve been. The spider girl dated to the late nineteenth century. The headless woman had been a part of sideshows since the New York Worlds Fair, and remains on the World of Wonders roster today.
Breen signed on to swallow swords, but Christ told him hed need to do a lot more than just perform. Hed need to help put the show up and tear it down, just like everyone else. One evening during Breens first season, somewhere in upstate New York, after the crew had spent a night tearing everything down and a whole day setting it all back up, Christ told everyone to take a quick dinner break and then get into costume. They were performing that evening. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Breen said. He quit on the spot, climbed a fence, and started walking down the road, hoping hed find a gas station from which he could call his mother. But he walked and walked and didnt see anything but trees. Eventually, he turned around. He climbed back over the fence, got into costume, and took the stage.
In time, Hall and Christ noticed Breens talent and enthusiasm, and realized he was potentially more than just a sword-swallower. Breen had the makings of a showman, a carnival boss. Christ asked him back the next season, and he agreed. A couple of seasons later, Breen was made a partner. By 2017, he had purchased the show from Hall and Christ.
If Breen had seen a gas station the night of his aborted escape, the course of his life might have been different. The World of Wonders may not have survived the twentieth century, may have ended up on museum shelves like every other sideshow before it. I understood acutely what an important stroke of luck it had been, because as we tore down the show in Atwood, I wondered more than once how I might gracefully escape. As Hexli and I struggled to carry the twenty-foot steel poles across the muddy midway, I, too, considered giving up on the carny life. But then one of the daredevils from the Globe of Death wandered over to warn us that a cop had pulled him over, and had searched his truck for drugs. We were surrounded on all sides by fields and unmarked police cars. There was no escape. And there would be no rest, either. When we finished at around 4:30 am, exhausted beyond belief, we made a plan to meet up after just a few hours sleep for the next jump, more than five hundred miles away in Lafayette, Louisiana.
The drive was much longer than anticipated, because the I-40 bridge that crosses into Arkansas was out of commission. We had to caravan down through Mississippi and across the Gulf Coast in unusually heavy traffic. Breen decided to stop halfway and spend the night at a hotel, where he ended up in a spirited argument with the owner, who had told him over the phone that they allowed pets but then balked when he saw that the pet in question was a hundred-and-eighty-pound pig.
The first time I saw the World of Wonders show, in the parking lot of a mall in West Nyack, New York, in 2018, they had erected massive metal scaffolding from which a tattooed, blond hula-hooper named Trixie Turvy was suspended high in the air by her ankles while escaping from a straitjacket. To me, it was show business at its most impressive. But to Breen and his fellow crew members, it was a pain in the ass. Putting up the rigging was a lot of work, and there wasnt always enough room for it on the ground. After that season, he scrapped the act and came up with Texas Tommys Wild West Revue, a throwback to Buffalo Bills traveling shows. The premise is simple—Breen and Lynne do tricks with whips and lassos and bend horseshoes, all acts they learned during their time off. For the big finale they bring out a potbellied pig named Rosie.
“It was Chriss idea to get the pig,” Breen told me. “I said, Why would I need a pig for a Wild West show? Hes like, You need a pig. And then I saw Rosie, and I was like, I need this pig.’ ”
Rosie is a natural star. Breen wasnt bad at snapping the tops off flowers with a whip, but Rosie stole the show. Breen got her when she was still a piglet, and has been training her for years. As it turns out, pigs are fast learners. Rosie honks a horn with her snout, dances by weaving in and out of Breens legs, high-fives, sits on command, and gives kisses. She closes the show by posing on a podium while her new fans take selfies with her.
When we finally reached the hottest parking lot on earth, at the Cajundome in Lafayette, there was a crew of four people to meet us. Breen had placed an ad on Craigslist offering fifteen dollars an hour to anyone willing to help set up, and they had answered the call. Ordinarily the responsibility to set up and tear down the show lies with the performers, but Les and Hexli hadnt made the jump with us to Louisiana, and their replacements wouldnt arrive for a few more days. It was just me, Breen, and Lynne.
The crew was a piebald assortment of Lafayettans who were down on their luck: a soft-spoken tattooed punk woman from the West Coast, an eager and muscular young man who drove a minivan, a grandmother with a journalism degree who said she wasnt above “busting ass for cash.” They sweated in the Louisiana heat without complaint for hours, drilling so many holes and hammering so many stakes into the hard asphalt that Breen had to go to a hardware store to replace his drill bit. At one point he climbed into the possum belly of his truck and came back with a jackhammer, which one member of our crew was excited to use. Breen, however, offered it to the Craigslist crew. He preferred the sledgehammer.
It struck me that day, watching Breen hammer in one spike after another, that this was an incredibly austere manner in which to be in show business. Over the past two decades Breen had taught himself to swallow swords, eat fire, throw knives, perform illusions, and conduct every other form of stagecraft that his show required. His talent could have landed him on a big stage somewhere, or even on television. Yet here he was, in a parking lot in the Deep South, living in an RV with a pig.
Carnival work is difficult by any measure. Its physically demanding and requires traveling most of the year. And the pay is often less than minimum wage. There arent many like Breen who are drawn to the carny life for the sheer romance of it. Thats why amusement workers have come to represent the fifth-largest H-2B temporary guest-worker occupation. These workers are recruited around the world by labor agents. Many of them come from small towns in Mexico. Two thirds or more of all H-2B amusement workers in the United States, in fact, come from a single city in Veracruz: Tlapacoyan, population approximately 60,000. Gold Star Amusements, which operates the rides at the Cajun Heartland State Fair in Lafayette, had thirty-six H-2B visa workers in 2021. Their application stated that these workers were paid less than ten dollars an hour.
According to Greg Chiecko, guest workers are crucial to the industry, and the governments reluctance to increase the number of visas issued every year is hurting business. “Its a real crisis at this point,” he said. The politics around the program have little to do with low wages or poor working conditions, and everything to do with anti-immigrant attitudes. But Chiecko wonders who else would do the hard work of setting up and tearing down shows. “Its not a pathway to citizenship. They come to the country, work, pay taxes, and go home. Over the years fewer and fewer Americans want to do certain types of jobs. One of them is working for a carnival.”
When the last spike was in the ground and Breen excused the Craigslist crew, the four of them hung around and chatted about where else to find work. Someone suggested they stay and work the carnival. This was quickly dismissed. Whatever the work of pouring funnel cakes or operating Tilt-a-Whirls on the back end of the midway paid, it was not likely to be enough. None of them stayed.
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_48.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_48-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
Tommy Breen
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_43.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_43-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
The Showmens Museum grounds and Tommy Breens backyard
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_44.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_44-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
![https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_46.jpg](https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/CUT_46-1400x0-c-default.jpg)
We retired backstage for the night, sitting around in camp chairs next to Rosies pen. Lynne puzzled over a chessboard (she kept a running correspondence game going with her father in Nebraska). Breen fretted about the memory act that had defeated him in Tennessee. “Thats the worst Ive ever felt,” he said. “Embarrassed and enraged.”
Breen had gotten the idea for it while reading a book about mentalism. The book described two methods for reproducing long lists of random objects—one involved trickery and the other required memorization. He wanted the challenge, so he spent his downtime practicing the honest method until he could recall thirty-five objects over and over again, without mistake. But out here on the road, his confidence was waning.
“I think Im nervous,” he said. “It didnt work the first time, which is fucking me up.”
Lynne encouraged him. “You can do it,” she said. “Youve done it tons of times.”
Lynne said the same thing happened to her when she first started tearing decks of cards in half. “One time I couldnt do it and then it messed me up,” she said. “Its always in my head that it might not work now.”
Breen told the story of a spot one summer in California: During the knife-throwing act, the performer, Sir Kade, accidentally hit the human target, Trixie Turvy, with an errant throw. When someone ran to tell Breen, he asked, “Is she dead?” She wasnt, but she had been impaled and was bleeding profusely, and the audience was looking on in horror. Someone took Turvy to the hospital as Breen pulled Kade aside. “I know youre freaked out,” he told him. “It happens.” But, he stressed, the show must go on. To demonstrate his confidence, Breen volunteered to be the replacement target. When the next audience filed into the tent, Breen stood against the board and let Kade throw his knives at him. It was terrifying, but he felt it was the only way for Kade to get his confidence back. “It helped him not get traumatized over it,” Breen said. And when Turvy returned from the hospital all stitched up, she took her place at the board and went back to work.
Still, Breen and Lynne brainstormed ways to change the memory act. Perhaps she could come out and get the list from the audience for him so he could concentrate. Perhaps they could have the audience shout all the objects at once rather than one at a time to make it go faster. Eventually the two of them bade me farewell and walked arm in arm through the vast midway, enjoying the peace and quiet one last time before the gates opened and the carnival began.
The Cajun Heartland State Fair was a very different scene from the Tri-County Fair in Atwood. Lafayette is an urban center of more than one hundred thousand people, but visitors come from all over Louisiana. “When you talk to individuals who live outside of Lafayette Parish and you talk about the Cajun Heartland State Fair, I mean, you can see their face, like, Oh, thats the big fair,’ ” said Pam DeVille, the director of the Cajundome. They have held this fair without fail for the past thirty-three years—except for 2020, when it was canceled like most of the others. In 2019, more than forty thousand people were in attendance. As the fair kicked off its eleven-night comeback, nearly two thousand five hundred people showed up, besting the pre-pandemic record for an opening night.
The midway felt more than twice as large as the one in Tennessee, with rides that towered above the Ferris wheel and the Fire Ball. At one end was an actual roller coaster, which I had watched workers unpack from trucks and assemble atop wooden blocks and sheets of plywood in a matter of days, with a kind of awe. There was a separate section for the larger thrill rides, where teenagers seemed to congregate. Nearby were the rigged games of chance, where fairgoers tried breaking beer bottles with baseballs, or standing bottles on end with a ring on a string. No matter how carefully they watched the jointee demonstrate how to do it correctly (and this was always done adroitly, and on command), the marks could never quite pull it off. Watching them try, I ate a paper plate of fried alligator, which unsurprisingly tasted like everything else battered and dipped in hot oil. Another mark on the midway, I suppose.
Next came the childrens rides, where families gathered, phones aloft, filming their kids spinning round and round on the carousel. There was the entertainment stage where local acts performed, alternating nightly between country, rock, and rap. The sound was loud enough to drown out the nearby twangs of Johnny Cash that soundtracked Texas Tommys Wild West Revue, where Rosie danced and peacocked and posed.
Despite the competition, the opening-night crowd at the World of Wonders was far from a smattering, and the Great Gozleone, Luella Lynne, and a troupe of performers from New Orleans had the audience eating out of the palms of their hands. When Gozleone swallowed seven swords at once, the audience gasped. When he breathed fire, they cheered. When he chopped off Lynnes head in his guillotine, they screamed. As he got to the memory act, making his way through the list of twenty objects, a woman standing next to me stood frozen in disbelief. She looked around for some kind of mirror, anything to prove he was cheating. “How?” she asked out loud.
Perhaps the crowd was too easy. After all, they had been locked up at home like the rest of us, longing to get back outside and be normal again, to be among their friends and neighbors, to be entertained. Perhaps they were primed for thrilling. Still, there in the floodlights, as Gozleone finished his impressive yet trivial feat without having missed a single item on the list, the crowd was more than thrilled—they were astonished.
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Tag: ["Crime", "War", "Drone"]
Date: 2022-04-25
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Link: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/15/us/drones-airstrikes-ptsd.html
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# The Unseen Scars of Those Who Kill Via Remote Control
![](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2022/04/15/multimedia/04-15-reader-hed/04-15-reader-hed-mobileMasterAt3x.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp)
April 15, 2022
REDWOOD VALLEY, Calif. — After hiding all night in the mountains, Air Force Capt. Kevin Larson crouched behind a boulder and watched the forest through his breath, waiting for the police he knew would come. It was Jan. 19, 2020. He was clinging to an assault rifle with 30 rounds and a conviction that, after all he had been through, there was no way he was going to prison.
Captain Larson was a drone pilot — one of the best. He flew the heavily armed MQ-9 Reaper, and in 650 combat missions between 2013 and 2018, he had launched at least 188 airstrikes, earned 20 medals for achievement and killed a top man on the United States most-wanted-terrorist list.
The 32-year-old pilot kept a handwritten thank-you note on his refrigerator from the director of the Central Intelligence Agency. He was proud of it but would not say what for, because like nearly everything he did in the drone program, it was a secret. He had to keep the details locked behind the high-security doors at Creech Air Force Base in Indian Springs, Nev.
There were also things he was not proud of locked behind those doors — things his family believes eventually left him cornered in the mountains, gripping a rifle.
In the Air Force, drone pilots did not pick the targets. That was the job of someone pilots called “the customer.” The customer might be a conventional ground force commander, the C.I.A. or a classified Special Operations strike cell. It did not matter. The customer got what the customer wanted.
And sometimes what the customer wanted did not seem right. There were missile strikes so hasty that they hit women and children, attacks built on such flimsy intelligence that they made targets of ordinary villagers, and classified rules of engagement that allowed the customer to knowingly kill up to 20 civilians when taking out an enemy. Crews had to watch it all in color and high definition.
Captain Larson tried to bury his doubts. At home in Las Vegas, he exuded a carefree confidence. He loved to go out dancing and was so strikingly handsome that he did side work as a model. He drove an electric-blue Corvette convertible and a tricked-out blue Jeep and had a beautiful new wife.
But tendrils of distress would occasionally poke up, in a comment before bed or a grim joke at the bar. Once, in 2017, his father pressed him about his work, and Captain Larson described a mission in which the customer told him to track and kill a suspected Al Qaeda member. Then, he said, the customer told him to use the Reapers high-definition camera to follow the mans body to the cemetery and kill everyone who attended the funeral.
“He never really talked about what he did — he couldnt,” said his father, Darold Larson. “But he would say things like that, and it made you know it was bothering him. He said he was being forced to do things that went against his moral compass.”
Drones were billed as a better way to wage war — a tool that could kill with precision from thousands of miles away, keep American service members safe and often get them home in time for dinner. The drone program started in 2001 as a small, tightly controlled operation hunting high-level terrorist targets. But during the past decade, as the battle against the Islamic State intensified and the Afghanistan war dragged on, the fleet grew larger, the targets more numerous and more commonplace. Over time, the rules meant to protect civilians [broke down](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/12/us/civilian-deaths-war-isis.html), recent investigations by The New York Times have shown, and the number of innocent people killed in Americas air wars [grew to be far larger](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/12/18/us/airstrikes-pentagon-records-civilian-deaths.html) than the Pentagon would [publicly admit](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/13/us/us-airstrikes-civilian-deaths.html).
Captain Larsons story, woven together with those of other drone crew members, reveals an unseen toll on the other end of those remote-controlled strikes.
Image
![Capt. Kevin Larson flew the heavily armed MQ-9 Reaper drone. He participated in 650 combat missions between 2013 and 2018 out of Creech Air Force Base in Nevada.](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2022/04/15/us/xxreaperpilot-slide-HTMO/xxreaperpilot-slide-HTMO-articleLarge.jpg?quality=75&auto=webp&disable=upscale)
Credit...via Bree Larson
Drone crews have launched more missiles and killed more people than nearly anyone else in the military in the past decade, but the military did not count them as combat troops. Because they were not deployed, they seldom got the same recovery periods or mental-health screenings as other fighters. Instead they were treated as office workers, expected to show up for endless shifts in a forever war.
Under unrelenting stress, several former crew members said, people broke down. Drinking and divorce became common. Some left the operations floor in tears. Others attempted suicide. And the military failed to recognize the full impact. Despite hundreds of missions, Captain Larsons personnel file, under the heading “COMBAT SERVICE,” offers only a single word: “none.”
Drone crew members said in interviews that, while killing remotely is different from killing on the ground, it still carves deep scars.
“In many ways its more intense,” said Neal Scheuneman, a drone sensor operator who retired as a master sergeant from the Air Force in 2019. “A fighter jet might see a target for 20 minutes. We had to watch a target for days, weeks and even months. We saw him play with his kids. We saw him interact with his family. We watched his whole life unfold. You are remote but also very much connected. Then one day, when all parameters are met, you kill him. Then you watch the death. You see the remorse and the burial. People often think that this job is going to be like a video game, and I have to warn them, there is no reset button.”
In the wake of The Timess investigations, the Pentagon has [vowed to strengthen](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/27/us/politics/us-airstrikes-rand-report.html) controls on airstrikes and improve how it investigates claims of civilian deaths. The Air Force is also providing more mental-health services for drone crews to address the lapses of the past, said the commander of the 432nd Wing at Creech, Col. Eric Schmidt.
“We are not physically in harms way, and yet at the same time we are observing a battlefield, and we are seeing some scenes or being part of them. We have seen the effects that can have on people,” Colonel Schmidt said. In the past, he said, remote warfare was not seen as real combat, and there was a stigma against seeking help. “Im proud to say, we have come a long way,” he added. “Its sad that we had to.”
Captain Larson tried to cope with the trauma by using psychedelic drugs. That became another secret he had to keep. Eventually the Air Force found out. He was charged with using and distributing illegal drugs and stripped of his flight status. His marriage fell apart, and he was put on trial, facing a possible prison term of more than 20 years.
Because he was not a conventional combat veteran, there was no required psychological evaluation to see what influence his war-fighting experience might have had on his misconduct. At his trial, no one mentioned the 188 classified missile strikes or the funeral he had targeted. In January 2020, he was quickly convicted.
Desperate to avoid prison, reeling from what he saw as a betrayal by the military he had dedicated his life to, Captain Larson ran.
Image
Credit...Mason Trinca for The New York Times
## A Vexing Moral Landscape
Captain Larson grew up in Yakima, Wash., the son of police officers. He was a straight-and-narrow Eagle Scout who went to church nearly every Sunday and once admonished a longtime friend to stay away from marijuana. At the University of Washington, where he was an honors student, he joined R.O.T.C. and the Civil Air Patrol, set on becoming a fighter pilot.
The Air Force had other plans. By the time he was commissioned in 2012, the Pentagon had developed seemingly insatiable appetite for drones, and the Air Force was struggling to keep up. That year it turned out more drone pilots than traditional fighter pilots and still could not meet the demand.
“He was sobbing when he got the news. So disappointed. He wanted to fly,” his mother, Laura Larson, said in an interview. “But once he started, he enjoyed it. He really felt like he was doing something important.”
Captain Larson was assigned to the 867th Attack Squadron at Creech — a unit that pilots say worked largely with the C.I.A. and Joint Special Operations Command. The drone crews operated out of a cluster of shipping containers in a remote patch of desert. Each crew had three members: a sensor operator to guide the surveillance camera and targeting laser, an intelligence analyst to interpret and document the video feeds, and a pilot to fly the Reaper and push the red button that launched its Hellfire missiles.
Image
Credit...via Bree Larson
The specifics of Captain Larsons missions are largely a mystery. He kept the classified details hidden from his parents and former wife. His closest friends in the attack squadron and dozens of other current and former crew members did not respond to requests for interviews; secrecy laws and nondisclosure agreements make it a crime to discuss classified details.
But several pilots, sensor operators and intelligence analysts who did the same type of work in other squadrons spoke with The Times about unclassified details and described their struggles with the same punishing workload and vexing moral landscape.
More than 2,300 service members are currently assigned to drone crews. Early in the program, they said, missions seemed well run. Officials carefully chose their targets and took steps to minimize civilian deaths.
“We would watch a high-value target for months, gathering intelligence and waiting for the exact right time to strike,” said James Klein, a former Air Force captain who flew Reapers at Creech from 2014 to 2018. “It was the right way to use the weapon.”
But in December 2016, the Obama administration loosened the rules amid the escalating fight against the Islamic State, pushing the authority to approve airstrikes deep down into the ranks. The next year, the Trump administration [secretly loosened them further](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/21/us/politics/trump-drone-strikes-commando-raids-rules.html). Decisions on high-value targets that once had been reserved for generals or even the president were effectively handed off to enlisted Special Operations soldiers. The customer increasingly turned drones on low-level combatants. Strikes once carried out only after rigorous intelligence-gathering and approval processes were often ordered up on the fly, [hitting schools](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/12/us/civilian-deaths-war-isis.html), [markets](https://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/24/world/middleeast/syria.html) and [large groups](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/13/us/us-airstrikes-civilian-deaths.html) of women and children.
Image
Credit...Hannah Yoon for The New York Times
Before the rules changed, Mr. Klein said, his squadron launched about 16 airstrikes in two years. Afterward, it conducted them almost daily.
Once, Mr. Klein said, the customer pressed him to fire on two men walking by a river in Syria, saying they were carrying weapons over their shoulders. The weapons turned out to be fishing poles, Mr. Klein said, and though the customer argued that the men could still be a threat, he persuaded the customer not to strike.
In another instance, he said, a fellow pilot was ordered to attack a suspected Islamic State fighter who was pushing another man in a wheelchair on a busy city street. The strike killed one of the men; it also killed three passers-by.
“There was no reason to take that shot,” Mr. Klein said. “I talked to the pilot after, and she was in tears. She didnt fly again for a long time and ended up leaving for good.”
Squadrons did little to address bad strikes if there was no pilot error. It was seen as the customers problem. Crews filed civilian casualty reports, but the investigative process was [so faulty](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/12/18/us/airstrikes-pentagon-records-civilian-deaths.html) that they rarely saw any impact; often they would not even get a response.
Over time, Mr. Klein grew angry and depressed. His marriage began to crumble.
“I started to dread going in to work,” he said. “Everyone kind of expects you to do that stuff and just be fine, but it ate away at us.”
Eventually, he refused to fire any more missiles. The Air Force moved him to a noncombat role, and a few years later, in 2020, he retired, one of many disillusioned drone operators who quietly [dropped out](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/17/us/as-stress-drives-off-drone-operators-air-force-must-cut-flights.html), he said.
“We were so isolated, that Im not sure anyone saw it, he said. “The biggest tell is that very few people stayed in the field. They just couldnt take it.”
Image
Credit...Mason Trinca for The New York Times
## Soul Fatigue
In her job as a police officer, Captain Larsons mother conducted stress debriefings after traumatic events. When officers in her department shot someone, they were required to take time off and meet with a psychologist. As part of the healing process, everyone present at the scene was required to sit down and talk through what had happened. She was not aware of any of that happening with her son.
“At one point I pulled him aside and told him, If things start bothering you, you and your friends need to talk about it,’” Ms. Larson said. “He just smiled and said he was fine. But I think he was struggling more than he ever let on.”
The Air Force has no requirement to give drone crews the mental health evaluations mandated for deployed troops, but it has surveyed the drone force for more than a decade and consistently found high levels of stress, cynicism and emotional exhaustion. In one study, 20 percent of crew members reported clinical levels of emotional distress — twice the rate among noncombat Air Force personnel. The proportion of crew members reporting post-traumatic stress disorder and thoughts of suicide was higher than in traditional aircrews.
Several factors contribute — workload, constantly changing shifts, leadership issues and combat exposure. But the most damaging, according to Wayne Chappelle, the Air Force psychologist leading the studies, is civilian deaths.
Image
Credit...Mason Trinca for The New York Times
Seeing just one strike that causes unexpected civilian deaths can increase the risk of PTSD six to eight times, he said. A survey published in 2020, several years after the strike rules changed, found that [40 percent of drone crew members](https://watermark.silverchair.com/usaa257.pdf?token=AQECAHi208BE49Ooan9kkhW_Ercy7Dm3ZL_9Cf3qfKAc485ysgAAAs4wggLKBgkqhkiG9w0BBwagggK7MIICtwIBADCCArAGCSqGSIb3DQEHATAeBglghkgBZQMEAS4wEQQMjF0A6jVmH_AZvGUDAgEQgIICgfDmbS2NuJ6A_S5fFs0k_6JJhXWJ41ez-NUS02WTq9__835MNYk8Nk4DkfXhXeW_VX__vKIEDKvAy8SfA13xOXILOduD3admwKTrTivhO-b5os7__AzrQzGKdSyUem1HAmyxlkbv9fpI414mGDdG0qtvymiY_lsHwyJcfebrJVzToMGPKZaKXPoR3K7tVNRD_lkEpLN--T5jWry3eGtiH4JMss2u3WnIxjWM_7_LhQcFKUank0uLmNWkX7d0N0WtIC3P_pJIVwEIbibYF2ToucAqOccFVmmeCpyhuVq7ptbIc3jvb-qVBDwGvwp0caB6eaQroxGHTHDtUd52eZQVnIMHEUeCTAEZ75Hp2UGbDHzTQrzIr35Op4zlQPTcesEvX2ZDVnK_T2Rlp1BX8G1UgSmHx2rEy0vrowR5lVN-4VFh_x1dQ9fxh9iSx6_zuhSkSZzhbax3-OOXOuk0GPTjjzd9K0sfoC6YJU8R-rzoH9IT5tnBeNeA3JV5NkPMfCqe_04bHrfg31HpiGxvX-ElmbeQj9FRYPQxdFtXLBrILlhB0ddpL4evgg9_MrA3IUzFGLHQG55W7KOhhb7Rm6i1dHViTfCF9FskWb1HYcj37SmRxsaE9eD7UDff0nraH2z6LakSc5pB4YdbgocfGkoGav6hVvmw5GDnc6gDYn4OyEEt99zt17FFvPzbevHE48-ZTv7216PVSu5qstBmuLepQmBpBsISWSBC1-DgzU101olFAnJaGXBaD9eE05PUg6d7fZLTKY5AzUi90wRbHeGnuootmrtqCNz3ERsNtYwB8d_ar-ANW1iXpFm9juuIdyDRlFLobsMRl9UTYb6kZt0FIB05) reported witnessing between one and five civilian killings. Seven percent had witnessed six or more.
“After something like that, people can have unresolved, disruptive emotional reactions,” Dr. Chappelle said. “We would assume thats unhealthy — having intrusive thoughts, intrusive memories. I call that healthy and normal. What do you call someone who is OK with it?”
Having time off to process the trauma is vital, he said. But during the years when America was simultaneously fighting the Taliban, the Islamic State and Al Qaeda, that was nearly impossible.
Starting in 2015, the Air Force began embedding what it called human performance teams in some squadrons, staffed with chaplains, psychologists and operational physiologists offering a sympathetic ear, coping strategies and healthy practices to optimize performance.
“Its a holistic team approach: mind, body and spirit,” said Capt. James Taylor, a chaplain at Creech. “I try to address the soul fatigue, the existential questions many people have to wrestle with in this work.”
But crews said the teams were only modestly effective. The stigma of seeking help keeps many crew members away, and there is a perception that the teams are too focused on keeping crews flying to address the root causes of trauma. Indeed, a 2018 [survey found](http://neurostatsolutions.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/2018-Chappelle-et-al.-Emotional-Reactions-to-Killing-in-Remotely-Piloted-Aircraft-Crewmembers-During-and-Following-Weapon-Strikes.pdf) that only 8 percent of drone operators used the teams, and two-thirds of those experiencing emotional distress did not.
Instead, crew members said, they tend to work quietly, hoping to avoid a breakdown.
Bennett Miller was an intelligence analyst, trained to study the Reapers video feed. Working Special Operations missions in Syria and Afghanistan in 2019 and 2020 from Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina, the former technical sergeant saw civilian casualties “almost monthly.”
“At first it didnt bother me that much,” he said. “I thought it was part of going after the bad guys.”
Image
Credit...Austin Anthony for The New York Times
Then, in late 2019, he said, his team tracked a man in Afghanistan who the customer said was a high-level Taliban financier. For a week, the crew watched the man feed his animals, eat with family in his courtyard and walk to a nearby village. Then the customer ordered the crew to kill him, and the pilot fired a missile as the man walked down the path from his house. Watching the video feed afterward, Mr. Miller saw the family gather the pieces of the man and bury them.
A week later, the Taliban financiers name appeared again on the target list.
“We got the wrong guy. I had just killed someones dad,” Mr. Miller said. “I had watched his kids pick up the body parts. Then I had gone home and hugged my own kids.”
The same pattern occurred twice more, he said, yet the squadron leadership did nothing to address what was seen as the customers mistakes. Two years later, Mr. Miller was near tears when he described the strikes in an interview at his home. “What we had done was murder, and no one seemed to notice,” he said. “We just were told to move on.”
Mr. Miller grew sleepless and angry. “I couldnt deal with the guilt or the anxiety of knowing that it was going to probably happen again,” he said. “I was caught in this trap where if I care about what is happening, its devastating. And if I dont care, I lose who I am as a person.”
At Shaw, he said, his squadron did not have a human performance team. “We just had a squadron bar.”
In February 2020, he got home from a 15-hour night shift, locked himself in his bedroom, put a cocked revolver to his head and through the door told his wife that he could not take it anymore. He was hospitalized, diagnosed with PTSD and medically retired.
Beyond their modest standard pensions, veterans with combat-related injuries, even injuries suffered in training, get [special compensation](https://www.va.gov/resources/combat-related-special-compensation-crsc/) worth about $1,000 per month. Mr. Miller does not qualify, because the Department of Veterans Affairs does not consider drone missions combat.
“Its like they are saying all the people we killed somehow dont really count,” he said. “And neither do we.”
Image
Credit...via Bree Larson
## A Question of Forgiveness
In February 2018, Captain Larson and his wife, Bree Larson, got into an argument. She was angry at him for staying out all night and smashed his phone, she recalled in an interview. He dragged her out of the house and locked her out, barely clothed. The Las Vegas police came, and when they asked if there were any drugs or weapons in the house, Ms. Larson told them about the bag of psilocybin mushrooms her husband kept in the garage.
When she and Captain Larson had met in 2016, she said, he was already taking mushrooms once every few months, often with other pilots. He also took MDMA — known as ecstasy or molly — a few times a year. The drugs might have been illegal, but, he told her, they offered relief.
“He would just say he had a very stressful job and he needed it,” Ms. Larson said. “And you could tell. For weeks after, he was more relaxed, more focused, more loving. It seemed therapeutic.”
A growing number of combat veterans use the psychedelic drugs illicitly, amid mounting evidence that they are potent treatments for the psychological wounds of war. Both MDMA and psilocybin are expected to soon be approved for limited medical use by the Food and Drug Administration.
“It gave me a clarity and an honesty that allowed me to rewrite the narrative of my life,” according to a former Air Force officer who said he suffered from depression and moral injury after hundreds of Reaper missions; he asked not to be named in order to discuss the use of illegal drugs. “It led to some self-forgiveness. That was a huge first step.”
In Las Vegas, the civilian authorities were willing to forgive Captain Larson, but the Air Force charged him with a litany of crimes — drug possession and distribution, making false statements to Air Force investigators and a charge unique to the armed forces: conduct unbecoming of an officer. His squadron grounded him, forbade him to wear a flight suit and told him not to talk to fellow pilots. No one screened him for PTSD or other psychological injuries from his service, Ms. Larson said, adding, “I dont think anyone realized it might be connected.”
As the prosecution plodded forward over two years, Captain Larson worked at the base gym and organized volunteer groups to do community service. His marriage was annulled. Struggling with his mental health, seeking productive ways to cope with the trauma, he read book after book on positive thinking and set up a special meditation room in his house, according to his girlfriend at the time, Becca Triano.
“I dont know what he saw, what he dealt with,” she said. “What I did see toward the end was him really working hard to try to stay sane.”
The trial finally came in January, 2020. His former wife and a pilot friend testified about his drug use. The police produced the evidence. That was all.
After deliberating for a few hours on the morning of Jan. 17, the jury returned with guilty verdicts on nearly every count.
Image
Credit...Jason Henry for The New York Times
## On the Run
The pilot would be sentenced after a break for lunch. His lawyer told him to be back in an hour. Instead he took off.
He loaded his Jeep with food and clothes and sped away, convinced that he was facing a long prison sentence, Ms. Triano said. Within hours, the Air Force had a warrant out for his arrest.
Captain Larson headed southwest to Los Angeles and stayed the night with a friend, then started heading north. By the afternoon of Saturday, Jan. 18, he was driving by vineyards and redwood groves on U.S. Route 101 in Mendocino County, north of San Francisco, when the California Highway Patrol spotted his Jeep and pulled him over.
Captain Larson stopped and waited calmly for the officer to walk up to his window. Then he gunned it — down the highway and onto a narrow dirt logging road that snaked up into the mountains. After several miles, he pulled off into the trees and hid. The police could not find him, but they knew something he did not: All the roads in the canyon were dead ends, and officers were blocking the only way out.
Night fell. Nothing to do but wait.
In the morning, during a briefing at the bottom of the canyon, records show, Air Force agents explained to the Mendocino County sheriffs deputies that the wanted man was a deserter who had fled a drug conviction, was probably armed and possibly suicidal.
The officers drove up the canyon and spotted tire tracks on a narrow turnoff. Agents crept up on foot until they spotted the blue Jeep in the trees, but did not risk going farther. The deputies had a better option, something that could get a view of the Jeep without any danger. A small drone soon launched into the sky.
Captain Larson was hiding behind a mossy boulder. There was no phone service deep in the canyon, no way to call for whatever hope or solace he might have conjured. He could only record a video message for his family members. One by one, he told them that he loved them. “Im sorry,” he said. “I wont go to prison, so Im going to end this. This was always the plan.”
Image
Credit...Mason Trinca for The New York Times
There was a lot he did not explain — things that have kept his family and friends wondering in the years since. He did not talk about the hundreds of secret missions or their impact. He did not say what it had felt like to have his commanders stand by quietly as civilian deaths became routine, then stay just as quiet when a decorated pilot was prosecuted for drug possession. He did not talk about the other pilots who had done the same drugs and then avoided him like a virus after he got caught.
Perhaps he was planning to say more, but as he spoke into the phone camera, he was interrupted by an angry buzzing, like a swarm of bees.
“I can hear the drones,” he said. “Theyre looking for me.”
Had they found him alive, his pursuers would have been able to tell him this: In the end, the Air Force had decided not to sentence him to prison, only to dismissal.
But now, just as Captain Larson had done countless times, the officers could only study the drone footage and parse the evidence — slumped behind the boulder, shot with his own assault rifle — of another unintended death.
Image
Credit...Mason Trinca for The New York Times
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at [1-800-273-8255](tel:18002738255) (TALK). You can find a list of additional resources at [SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources](http://speakingofsuicide.com/resources).
## The Unseen Scars of Those Who Kill Via Remote Control
&emsp;
&emsp;
---
`$= dv.el('center', 'Source: ' + dv.current().Link + ', ' + dv.current().Date.toLocaleString("fr-FR"))`

@ -70,7 +70,8 @@ This section on different household obligations.
#### Garbage collection
- [ ] [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2022-04-26
- [ ] [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2022-05-10
- [x] [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2022-04-26 ✅ 2022-04-25
- [x] [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2022-04-12 ✅ 2022-04-11
- [x] [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2022-03-29 ✅ 2022-03-28
- [x] [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2022-03-15 ✅ 2022-03-14

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Parent:: [[@Reading master|Reading list]]
ReadingState:: [[2022-01-30]]
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Parent:: [[@Reading master|Reading list]]
ReadingState:: [[2022-03-13]]
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ReadingState:: [[2022-01-13]]
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ReadingState:: [[2022-02-17]]
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ReadingState:: [[2022-03-08]]
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Parent:: [[@Reading master|Reading list]]
ReadingState:: [[2022-02-27]]
---

@ -0,0 +1,182 @@
---
ServingSize: 4
cssclass: recipeTable
Alias: []
Tag: ["NotYetTested"]
Date: 2022-04-26
DocType: "Recipe"
Hierarchy: "NonRoot"
location:
CollapseMetaTable: Yes
Meta:
IsFavourite: False
Rating:
Recipe:
Courses: "Main dish"
Categories: "Baked"
Collections: Greek
Source: https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/spanakopita-pie
PreparationTime: 80
CookingTime: 80
OServingSize: 4
Ingredients:
- 10 ounce packages frozen chopped spinach, thawed, drained
- 0.25 cup olive oil1 whole leek, white and pale-green parts only, thinly sliced
- 0.5 whole medium onion, chopped
- 5 whole medium scallions, white and pale-green parts only, sliced
- 2 cloves garlic, grated
- 1 pinch Kosher salt, freshly ground pepper
- 1 whole large egg
- 1 whole large egg yolk
- 10 ounces feta, crumbled (about 2 cups)
- 1 ounce store-bought finely grated Parmesan (about ¼ cup)
- 0.33 cup chopped basil
- 0.33 cup chopped dill
- 3 tablespoons chopped oregano
- 1 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
- 0.75 cup (1½ sticks) salted butter, melted, divided
- 12 whole 14x9-inch sheets frozen phyllo dough, thawed, room temperature
---
Parent:: [[@@Recipes|Recipes]], [[@Main dishes|Main dishes]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Edit Recipe parameters
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-SpanakopiapieEdit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-SpanakopiapieNSave
&emsp;
# Spanakopia pie
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Practical Informations
```dataview
list without id
"<table><tbody><tr><td><a class=heading>Courses</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.Courses + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Categories</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.Categories + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Collections</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.Collections + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Serving size</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.ServingSize + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Cooking time</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.CookingTime + " min</span></td></tr></tbody></table>"
FROM "03.03 Food & Wine/Spanakopia pie"
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Ingredients
&emsp;
```dataviewjs
dv.view("00.01 Admin/dv-views/query_ingredient", {ingredients: dv.current().Ingredients, originalportioncount: dv.current().Recipe.OServingSize})
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Instructions
&emsp;
SPECIAL EQUIPMENT
A 9-inch springform pan
&emsp;
#### Step 1
Place spinach in the center of a clean towel, gather corners together, and twist towel to wring excess liquid out of spinach. Try and get as much out as you can (if spinach is too wet, phyllo will get soggy as it bakes). Transfer spinach to a large bowl and break up into small pieces.
&emsp;
#### Step 2
Heat oil in a large skillet over medium and cook leek and onion, stirring, until just beginning to soften, 57 minutes. Add scallions and garlic and cook until vegetables are tender, 46 minutes more; season with salt and pepper. Scrape into bowl with spinach.
&emsp;
#### Step 3
Whisk egg, egg yolk, 1 tsp. salt, and ¼ tsp. pepper in a small bowl; add to spinach mixture. Add feta, Parmesan, basil, dill, oregano, and lemon zest and mix until distributed. Dont be afraid to overmix; you want herbs and cheese in every bite!
&emsp;
#### Step 4
Preheat oven to 350°. Lightly brush bottom and sides of springform pan with butter. Remove phyllo from packaging and cover with a kitchen towel to prevent drying out. Working quickly, [brush butter on 1 side of 1 phyllo sheet](http://www.bonappetit.com/story/how-to-make-spanakopita-pie). Transfer phyllo, butter side up, to prepared pan, covering bottom of pan. Gently press and tuck sides of sheet into bottom edges of pan. Fold and ripple phyllo as needed to cover bottom of pan. Repeat with 2 more phyllo sheets.
&emsp;
#### Step 5
Working quickly, brush butter on 1 side of another phyllo sheet. Transfer to pan, arranging butter side up and slightly off-center so long side of dough comes up and over side of pan, leaving a 2" overhang. Rotate pan slightly and repeat with another sheet so overhang covers another section of pan. Continue with remaining 7 sheets, rotating pan so there is overhang around entire pan.
&emsp;
#### Step 6
Scrape spinach mixture into pan, pressing down firmly and smoothing top. Gently fold phyllo overhang over spinach mixture and continue to press until phyllo goes just below rim of pan. Dont worry if phyllo breaks or tears; gather any broken pieces and arrange where spinach peeks through. You want the phyllo to look draped over the top with lots of waves and folds.
&emsp;
#### Step 7
Bake pie until phyllo is golden brown and slightly darker around the edges, 5065 minutes. Let cool in pan 1 hour before removing ring. Serve warm or at room temperature.
&emsp;
#### Step 8
**Do Ahead:** Spanakopita can be made 1 day ahead. Do not unmold; wrap pan in plastic and chill. Reheat in a 300° oven 30 minutes.
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