main
iOS 2 years ago
parent c458c5514c
commit e1dc15b34b

@ -19,7 +19,7 @@
"601d1cc7-a4f3-4f19-aa9f-3bddd7ab6b1d": {
"locked": false,
"lockedDeviceName": "iPhone",
"lastRun": "2023-06-05T08:08:05+02:00"
"lastRun": "2023-06-19T09:14:29+02:00"
}
}
}

@ -39,7 +39,6 @@ var MailBlockPlugin = class extends import_obsidian.Plugin {
el.createEl("h3", { text: "Email parameters invalid: \n" + e.message });
return;
}
console.log("Render the Email");
try {
const rootEl = el.createEl("div", { cls: "email-block" });
if (parameters.to !== void 0) {
@ -58,7 +57,6 @@ var MailBlockPlugin = class extends import_obsidian.Plugin {
rootEl.createEl("div", { cls: "email-block-info-value", text: parameters.subject });
const bodyContent = rootEl.createEl("div", { cls: "email-block-body" });
await this.renderBody(bodyContent, parameters.body, parameters.variables, ctx);
console.log(bodyContent.innerText.length);
const data = "mailto:" + this.encodeToHtml(parameters.to) + "?subject=" + this.encodeToHtml(parameters.subject) + (parameters.cc !== void 0 ? "&cc=" + this.encodeToHtml(parameters.cc) : "") + (parameters.bcc !== void 0 ? "&bcc=" + this.encodeToHtml(parameters.bcc) : "") + (bodyContent.innerText.length !== 0 ? "&body=" + this.encodeToHtml(bodyContent.innerText) : "");
if (parameters.showmailto) {
rootEl.createEl("a", { href: data, text: "Mailto" });
@ -68,12 +66,18 @@ var MailBlockPlugin = class extends import_obsidian.Plugin {
}
});
}
readParameters(jsonString, ctx) {
if (jsonString.contains("[[") && !jsonString.contains('"[[')) {
jsonString = jsonString.replace("[[", '"[[');
jsonString = jsonString.replace("]]", ']]"');
readParameters(yamlString, ctx) {
if (yamlString.contains("[[") && !yamlString.contains('"[[')) {
yamlString = yamlString.replace("[[", '"[[');
yamlString = yamlString.replace("]]", ']]"');
}
const parameters = (0, import_obsidian.parseYaml)(jsonString);
let extraBody = "";
if (yamlString.contains("---")) {
let data = yamlString.split("---");
yamlString = data[0];
extraBody = data[1];
}
const parameters = (0, import_obsidian.parseYaml)(yamlString);
parameters.to = this.fixAddress(parameters.to);
parameters.cc = this.fixAddress(parameters.cc);
parameters.bcc = this.fixAddress(parameters.bcc);
@ -84,7 +88,7 @@ var MailBlockPlugin = class extends import_obsidian.Plugin {
parameters.showmailto = true;
}
if (parameters.body === void 0) {
parameters.body = "";
parameters.body = extraBody;
}
if (parameters.variables === void 0) {
parameters.variables = {};

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
{
"id": "email-block-plugin",
"name": "Email code block",
"version": "0.3.3",
"version": "0.4.0",
"minAppVersion": "0.15.0",
"description": "This plugin renders an email code block.",
"author": "JoLeaf",

@ -4,13 +4,13 @@
"historyPriority": true,
"historyLimit": 100,
"history": [
":train2:",
":plate_with_cutlery:",
":cityscape:",
":fork_and_knife:",
":tv:",
":train2:",
":cityscape:",
":coffee:",
":racehorse:",
":fork_and_knife:",
":soccer:",
":iphone:",
":blue_car:",

@ -12,8 +12,8 @@
"checkpointList": [
{
"path": "/",
"date": "2023-06-05",
"size": 15861707
"date": "2023-06-19",
"size": 16152769
}
],
"activityHistory": [
@ -2062,7 +2062,63 @@
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{
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{
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"value": 2904
},
{
"date": "2023-06-19",
"value": 1533
}
]
}

@ -106,7 +106,7 @@
},
"syntaxHighlight": false,
"copyButton": true,
"version": "9.3.1",
"version": "9.3.2",
"autoCollapse": false,
"defaultCollapseType": "open",
"injectColor": true,

File diff suppressed because one or more lines are too long

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
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"version": "9.3.2",
"minAppVersion": "1.1.0",
"description": "Enhanced callouts for Obsidian.md",
"author": "Jeremy Valentine",

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@ -9987,17 +10120,34 @@
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"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-29.md\"> 2023-05-29 </a>",
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"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.02 Inbox/Zoo Station.md\"> Zoo Station </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-28.md\"> 2023-05-28 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-28.md\"> 2023-05-28 </a>",
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"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-27.md\"> 2023-05-27 </a>",
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"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-27.md\"> 2023-05-27 </a>",
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File diff suppressed because one or more lines are too long

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
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@ -25,7 +20,12 @@
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@ -65,31 +65,31 @@
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@ -145,15 +145,15 @@
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@ -351,26 +351,26 @@
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"time": "2023-10-15",
"rowNumber": 111
"rowNumber": 114
},
{
"title": ":blue_car: [[Household]]: Change to Summer tyres %%done_del%%",
"time": "2024-04-15",
"rowNumber": 110
"rowNumber": 113
}
],
"01.03 Family/Pia Bousquié.md": [
@ -409,7 +409,7 @@
"01.01 Life Orga/@Finances.md": [
{
"title": ":heavy_dollar_sign: [[@Finances|Finances]]: update crypto prices within Obsidian %%done_del%%",
"time": "2023-06-13",
"time": "2023-07-11",
"rowNumber": 113
},
{
@ -420,12 +420,12 @@
{
"title": ":heavy_dollar_sign: [[@Finances|Finances]]: Close yearly accounts %%done_del%%",
"time": "2024-01-07",
"rowNumber": 118
"rowNumber": 119
},
{
"title": ":heavy_dollar_sign: [[@Finances|Finances]]: Swiss tax self declaration %%done_del%%",
"time": "2024-01-07",
"rowNumber": 119
"rowNumber": 120
}
],
"01.01 Life Orga/@Personal projects.md": [
@ -460,25 +460,25 @@
"06.02 Investments/Crypto Tasks.md": [
{
"title": ":ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%%",
"time": "2023-06-06",
"time": "2023-07-04",
"rowNumber": 72
},
{
"title": ":chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%%",
"time": "2023-06-12",
"rowNumber": 78
"time": "2023-07-10",
"rowNumber": 79
}
],
"05.02 Networks/Configuring UFW.md": [
{
"title": "🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%%",
"time": "2023-06-10",
"time": "2023-06-24",
"rowNumber": 239
},
{
"title": "🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%%",
"time": "2023-06-10",
"rowNumber": 258
"time": "2023-06-24",
"rowNumber": 260
}
],
"01.03 Family/Amélie Solanet.md": [
@ -533,14 +533,14 @@
"00.08 Bookmarks/Bookmarks - Mac applications.md": [
{
"title": ":label: [[Bookmarks - Mac applications]]: review bookmarks",
"time": "2023-06-09",
"time": "2023-09-09",
"rowNumber": 94
}
],
"00.08 Bookmarks/Bookmarks - Work.md": [
{
"title": ":label: [[Bookmarks - Work]]: review bookmarks %%done_del%%",
"time": "2023-06-16",
"time": "2023-09-16",
"rowNumber": 71
}
],
@ -715,7 +715,7 @@
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-03-08.md": [
{
"title": "06:35 :clapper: [[2023-03-08|Memo]], [[Entertainment]]: Download Kiss the Future",
"time": "2023-06-18",
"time": "2023-11-25",
"rowNumber": 106
}
],
@ -783,6 +783,13 @@
"time": "2024-03-17",
"rowNumber": 306
}
],
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-05.md": [
{
"title": "21:27 :musical_note: [[Entertainment]], [[2023-06-05|Memo]]: Download Marylin Manson's versions of Tainted Love & Sweet Dreams",
"time": "2023-06-30",
"rowNumber": 103
}
]
},
"debug": false,

File diff suppressed because one or more lines are too long

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
{
"id": "obsidian-tasks-plugin",
"name": "Tasks",
"version": "3.10.0",
"version": "4.0.0",
"minAppVersion": "1.1.1",
"description": "Task management for Obsidian",
"author": "Martin Schenck and Clare Macrae",

@ -48,7 +48,7 @@
"devMode": false,
"templateFolderPath": "00.01 Admin/Templates",
"announceUpdates": true,
"version": "1.0.2",
"version": "1.1.0",
"disableOnlineFeatures": true,
"ai": {
"OpenAIApiKey": "",

File diff suppressed because one or more lines are too long

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
{
"id": "quickadd",
"name": "QuickAdd",
"version": "1.0.2",
"version": "1.1.0",
"minAppVersion": "0.13.19",
"description": "Quickly add new pages or content to your vault.",
"author": "Christian B. B. Houmann",

@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
{
"name": "Things",
"version": "2.1.9",
"version": "2.1.10",
"minAppVersion": "1.0.0",
"author": "@colineckert",
"authorUrl": "https://twitter.com/colineckert"

@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
/*
THINGS
Version 2.1.9
Version 2.1.10
Created by @colineckert
Readme:
@ -685,6 +685,9 @@ input[data-task='l']:checked,
input[data-task='p']:checked,
input[data-task='u']:checked,
input[data-task='w']:checked,
input[data-task='P']:checked, /* Open PR */
input[data-task='M']:checked, /* Merged PR */
input[data-task='D']:checked, /* Draft PR */
li[data-task='!'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='!'] > p > input:checked,
li[data-task='*'] > input:checked,
@ -714,7 +717,13 @@ li[data-task='p'] > p > input:checked,
li[data-task='u'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='u'] > p > input:checked,
li[data-task='w'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='w'] > p > input:checked {
li[data-task='w'] > p > input:checked,
li[data-task='P'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='P'] > p > input:checked,
li[data-task='M'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='M'] > p > input:checked,
li[data-task='D'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='D'] > p > input:checked {
--checkbox-marker-color: transparent;
border: none;
border-radius: 0;
@ -914,6 +923,24 @@ li[data-task='b'] > p > input:checked {
color: var(--color-orange);
-webkit-mask-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' class='h-5 w-5' viewBox='0 0 20 20' fill='currentColor'%3E%3Cpath d='M5 4a2 2 0 012-2h6a2 2 0 012 2v14l-5-2.5L5 18V4z' /%3E%3C/svg%3E");
}
input[data-task='P']:checked,
li[data-task='P'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='P'] > p > input:checked {
color: var(--color-green);
-webkit-mask-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' viewBox='0 0 16 16' width='16' height='16'%3E%3Cpath d='M1.5 3.25a2.25 2.25 0 1 1 3 2.122v5.256a2.251 2.251 0 1 1-1.5 0V5.372A2.25 2.25 0 0 1 1.5 3.25Zm5.677-.177L9.573.677A.25.25 0 0 1 10 .854V2.5h1A2.5 2.5 0 0 1 13.5 5v5.628a2.251 2.251 0 1 1-1.5 0V5a1 1 0 0 0-1-1h-1v1.646a.25.25 0 0 1-.427.177L7.177 3.427a.25.25 0 0 1 0-.354ZM3.75 2.5a.75.75 0 1 0 0 1.5.75.75 0 0 0 0-1.5Zm0 9.5a.75.75 0 1 0 0 1.5.75.75 0 0 0 0-1.5Zm8.25.75a.75.75 0 1 0 1.5 0 .75.75 0 0 0-1.5 0Z'%3E%3C/path%3E%3C/svg%3E");
}
input[data-task='M']:checked,
li[data-task='M'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='M'] > p > input:checked {
color: var(--color-purple);
-webkit-mask-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' viewBox='0 0 16 16' width='16' height='16'%3E%3Cpath d='M5.45 5.154A4.25 4.25 0 0 0 9.25 7.5h1.378a2.251 2.251 0 1 1 0 1.5H9.25A5.734 5.734 0 0 1 5 7.123v3.505a2.25 2.25 0 1 1-1.5 0V5.372a2.25 2.25 0 1 1 1.95-.218ZM4.25 13.5a.75.75 0 1 0 0-1.5.75.75 0 0 0 0 1.5Zm8.5-4.5a.75.75 0 1 0 0-1.5.75.75 0 0 0 0 1.5ZM5 3.25a.75.75 0 1 0 0 .005V3.25Z'%3E%3C/path%3E%3C/svg%3E");
}
input[data-task='D']:checked,
li[data-task='D'] > input:checked,
li[data-task='D'] > p > input:checked {
color: var(--color-base-50);
-webkit-mask-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' viewBox='0 0 16 16' width='16' height='16'%3E%3Cpath d='M3.25 1A2.25 2.25 0 0 1 4 5.372v5.256a2.251 2.251 0 1 1-1.5 0V5.372A2.251 2.251 0 0 1 3.25 1Zm9.5 14a2.25 2.25 0 1 1 0-4.5 2.25 2.25 0 0 1 0 4.5ZM2.5 3.25a.75.75 0 1 0 1.5 0 .75.75 0 0 0-1.5 0ZM3.25 12a.75.75 0 1 0 0 1.5.75.75 0 0 0 0-1.5Zm9.5 0a.75.75 0 1 0 0 1.5.75.75 0 0 0 0-1.5ZM14 7.5a1.25 1.25 0 1 1-2.5 0 1.25 1.25 0 0 1 2.5 0Zm0-4.25a1.25 1.25 0 1 1-2.5 0 1.25 1.25 0 0 1 2.5 0Z'%3E%3C/path%3E%3C/svg%3E");
}
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='>'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='<'].task-list-item.is-checked,
@ -933,7 +960,9 @@ body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='f'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='k'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='w'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='u'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='d'].task-list-item.is-checked {
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='d'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='P'].task-list-item.is-checked,
body:not(.tasks) li[data-task='M'].task-list-item.is-checked {
color: var(--text-normal);
}

@ -69,7 +69,7 @@
"state": {
"type": "markdown",
"state": {
"file": "00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-05.md",
"file": "01.02 Home/@Main Dashboard.md",
"mode": "preview",
"source": false
}
@ -158,7 +158,7 @@
"state": {
"type": "backlink",
"state": {
"file": "00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-05.md",
"file": "01.02 Home/@Main Dashboard.md",
"collapseAll": false,
"extraContext": false,
"sortOrder": "alphabetical",
@ -175,7 +175,7 @@
"state": {
"type": "outgoing-link",
"state": {
"file": "00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-05.md",
"file": "01.02 Home/@Main Dashboard.md",
"linksCollapsed": false,
"unlinkedCollapsed": false
}
@ -206,7 +206,7 @@
}
},
{
"id": "5c3592817cc89b93",
"id": "d321a1a4b4178be2",
"type": "leaf",
"state": {
"type": "DICE_ROLLER_VIEW",
@ -246,32 +246,34 @@
},
"active": "6f345aaa1a4d9f07",
"lastOpenFiles": [
"02.03 Zürich/Sonne.md",
"01.02 Home/@Main Dashboard.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-05.md",
"00.03 News/$100 Million Gone in 27 Minutes.md",
"00.03 News/In 1970, Alvin Toffler Predicted the Rise of Future Shock—But the Exact Opposite Happened.md",
"00.03 News/@News.md",
"00.03 News/“Republicans Buy Sneakers Too”.md",
"00.03 News/The revolt of the Christian home-schoolers.md",
"00.03 News/The Secret Sound of Stax.md",
"00.03 News/Kid Cop the wild story of Chicagos most infamous police impersonator.md",
"00.03 News/Ryan Gosling on Stepping Away From Hollywood and Playing Ken in Barbie.md",
"00.03 News/The Mystery of the Disappearing van Gogh.md",
"01.05 Done/@@MRCK.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-04.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-03.md",
"00.08 Bookmarks/Bookmarks - Utilities.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-02.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-01.md",
"02.02 Paris/Alluma.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-18.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-19.md",
"03.04 Cinematheque/@Cinematheque.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-17.md",
"01.07 Animals/@Sally.md",
"02.02 Paris/La Meringaie.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-31.md",
"00.03 News/Video Shows Greece Abandoning Migrants at Sea.md",
"00.03 News/Tina Turner Bet on Herself.md",
"00.03 News/Why Suicide Rates Are Dropping Around the World.md",
"00.03 News/Long-hidden ruins of vast network of Maya cities could recast history.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-05-30.md",
"01.07 Animals/2023-06-09 Riding off.md",
"01.02 Home/@Shopping list.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-16.md",
"03.03 Food & Wine/Big Shells With Spicy Lamb Sausage and Pistachios.md",
"00.08 Bookmarks/Bookmarks - Work.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-15.md",
"03.03 Food & Wine/Beef Noodles with Beans.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-14.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-12.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-13.md",
"00.03 News/The Damning Details That Led JPMorgan Chase to Settle With Epsteins Victims.md",
"00.03 News/Affirmative Action Never Had a Chance.md",
"02.03 Zürich/Bimi.md",
"01.03 Family/Aglaé de Villeneuve.md",
"01.03 Family/Amaury de Villeneuve.md",
"01.03 Family/Eloi de Villeneuve.md",
"01.03 Family/Armand de Villeneuve.md",
"01.03 Family/Arnaud Chapal.md",
"00.01 Admin/Calendars/2023-06-11.md",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3142.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3140.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/ima3958121943638555313.jpeg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/ima2643376406857247932.jpeg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/ima1232190353310690185 1.jpeg",
@ -280,8 +282,6 @@
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3024.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3014.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3018.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3017.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally/IMG_3015.jpg",
"00.01 Admin/Test Canvas.canvas",
"00.01 Admin/Pictures/Sally",
"01.07 Animals",

@ -104,7 +104,7 @@ hide task count
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
- [ ] 06:35 :clapper: [[2023-03-08|Memo]], [[Entertainment]]: Download Kiss the Future 📅 2023-06-18
- [ ] 06:35 :clapper: [[2023-03-08|Memo]], [[Entertainment]]: Download Kiss the Future 📅 2023-11-25
- [x] 06:42 :clapper: [[2023-03-08|Memo]], [[Entertainment]]: Download Esterno Notte (arte.tv) 📅 2023-03-11 ✅ 2023-03-08
- [x] 06:42 :clapper: [[2023-03-08|Memo]], [[Entertainment]]: Download House of Dragons 📅 2023-03-11 ✅ 2023-03-08

@ -16,9 +16,9 @@ Stress: 27.5
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 35
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.1
Water: 3.85
Coffee: 5
Steps:
Steps: 17821
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
@ -101,6 +101,7 @@ hide task count
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
- [ ] 21:27 :musical_note: [[Entertainment]], [[2023-06-05|Memo]]: Download Marylin Manson's versions of Tainted Love & Sweet Dreams 📅 2023-06-30
%% --- %%
@ -114,7 +115,7 @@ This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-06
Date: 2023-06-06
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 7
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.48
Coffee: 4
Steps: 9985
Weight: 92.5
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-05|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-07|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-06Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-06NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-06
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-06
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-06
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-06]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-07
Date: 2023-06-07
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 6.5
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 2.83
Coffee: 4
Steps: 15693
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-06|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-08|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-07Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-07NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-07
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-07
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-07
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-07]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,136 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-08
Date: 2023-06-08
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.25
Coffee: 5
Steps: 7401
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-07|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-09|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-08Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-08NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-08
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-08
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-08
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
🚆: [[@@Paris|Paris]] to [[@@Zürich|Zürich]]
📺: [[House of the Dragon (2022)]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-08]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-09
Date: 2023-06-09
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 7.5
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.75
Coffee: 3
Steps: 9778
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding: 2
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-08|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-10|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-09Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-09NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-09
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-09
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-09
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
📺: [[House of the Dragon (2022)]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-09]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,136 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-10
Date: 2023-06-10
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 7
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 2.7
Coffee: 1
Steps: 10489
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-09|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-11|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-10Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-10NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-10
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-10
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-10
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
📺: [[House of the Dragon (2022)]]
🍴: [[Iroquois]] with [[Marguerite de Villeneuve]] and [[Arnold Moulin|Arnold]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-10]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-11
Date: 2023-06-11
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.5
Coffee: 0
Steps: 9825
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding: 2
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-10|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-12|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-11Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-11NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-11
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-11
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-11
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
📺: [[House of the Dragon (2022)]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-11]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,136 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-12
Date: 2023-06-12
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 85
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.5
Coffee: 4
Steps: 11360
Weight: 92.4
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-11|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-13|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-12Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-12NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-12
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-12
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-12
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
🍽: [[Korean Barbecue-Style Meatballs]]
📺: [[House of the Dragon (2022)]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-12]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-13
Date: 2023-06-13
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 85
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.5
Coffee: 4
Steps: 10550
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-12|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-14|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-13Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-13NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-13
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-13
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-13
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
🍽: [[Big Shells With Spicy Lamb Sausage and Pistachios]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-13]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-14
Date: 2023-06-14
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8.5
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 5
Coffee: 3
Steps: 11194
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding: 1
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-13|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-15|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-14Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-14NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-14
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-14
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-14
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-14]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-15
Date: 2023-06-15
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 7
Happiness: 80
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 20
BackHeadBar: 30
Water: 3.7
Coffee: 4
Steps: 15462
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-14|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-16|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-15Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-15NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-15
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-15
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-15
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
🍴: [[Beef Noodles with Beans]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-15]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-16
Date: 2023-06-16
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 85
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 5.45
Coffee: 3
Steps: 10515
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding: 2
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-15|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-17|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-16Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-16NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-16
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-16
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-16
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
🍽: [[Big Shells With Spicy Lamb Sausage and Pistachios]]
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-16]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-17
Date: 2023-06-17
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 9
Happiness: 85
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 3.93
Coffee: 2
Steps: 9260
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding: 2
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-16|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-18|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-17Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-17NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-17
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-17
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-17
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-17]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-18
Date: 2023-06-18
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 7.5
Happiness: 85
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water: 4.15
Coffee: 3
Steps: 6353
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-17|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-19|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-18Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-18NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-18
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-18
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-18
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-18]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,134 @@
---
title: "🗒 Daily Note"
allDay: true
date: 2023-06-19
Date: 2023-06-19
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 85
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 25
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 30
BackHeadBar: 20
Water:
Coffee:
Steps:
Weight:
Ski:
IceSkating:
Riding:
Racket:
Football:
Swim:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2023-06-18|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2023-06-20|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2023-06-19Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-19NSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-19
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Daily note for 2023-06-19
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### ✅ Tasks of the day
&emsp;
```tasks
not done
due on 2023-06-19
path does not include Templates
hide backlinks
hide task count
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📝 Memos
&emsp;
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% --- %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### :link: Linked activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table from [[2023-06-19]]
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

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@ -0,0 +1,491 @@
---
Tag: ["🤵🏻", "🇺🇸"]
Date: 2023-06-11
DocType: "WebClipping"
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp: 2023-06-11
Link: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/06/12/a-mothers-exchange-for-her-daughters-future
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
---
Parent:: [[@News|News]]
Read:: 🟥
---
&emsp;
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-AMothersExchangeforHerDaughtersFutureNSave
&emsp;
# A Mothers Exchange for Her Daughters Future
“Will I live to see its end?” your mother asks.
She is sixty-nine years old and lies in the hospital room where she has been marooned for the past eight years, shipwrecked in her own body.
“It” is the story that you are now writing—this beginning you have yet to imagine and the ending she will not live to see.
Write as if you were dying, Annie Dillard once said.
But what if you are writing in competition with death?
What if the story you are telling is racing against death?
In your dreams, you are always running. Running to catch your mother, running to intercept her before she reaches the end.
In your dreams, your mother has no legs, no arms, no spine—no body. She is smooth and pure, a sheet of glass that becomes visible only when it breaks. At which time she disintegrates into smaller and smaller pieces until you are whispering to a sliver on the tip of your finger. That fine fleck of her. What is a mother? you ask. Is this still a mother? Is that?
Your mother, who has amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, speaks with her eyelids, using the last muscles over which she exercises twitchy control.
A.L.S. is an insurrection of the body against the mind. It is a mysterious massacre of motor neurons, the messengers that deliver data from brain to organ and limb.
It is a disease that [Descartes](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2006/11/20/rene-descartes-think-again) would have loved for its brutal division of the mind, “a thinking, non-extended thing,” from the body, an “extended, non-thinking thing.”
To speak her mind, your mother is dependent on your body. At her bedside, you trail your finger around a clear-plastic alphabet chart, as if you were teaching her a new language. Blinking is what she has—that raw, moist thwacking.
One day, your mother wants to know what you are writing about.
You tell her that it is about you. The two of you.
“Whats interesting about us?” she asks.
You are in the middle of explaining that you are still working that out when she starts blinking again: “Summery.”
Summer?
You often have trouble communicating. Language warps and tangles between you. Chinese and English. Chinglish and misspelled English. Words that begin in English and wobble into Chinese Pinyin.
Her body, frozen, is still the most expressive thing there is. That singular determination to be understood.
*Summary*, you realize—she is asking for a summary. When you were ten and learning to write in English, she demanded that you write book summaries. Three-sentence précis with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Taut and efficient, free of the metaphors and florid fuss of which you were always so fond.
Before you can ask if that is what she wants now—a synopsis of your unwritten story—there is a stench. It is your mothers shit, and already a single brown rivulet has seeped down the limp marble of her thigh.
Your mother is a marionette controlled by tubes and wires. To position her in such a way that the health aide can wipe and clean, you must align your body with hers—yours are the limbs that scaffold her limbs, the arm that clasps her arm, the knee that supports her knee.
Your mothers face is creased in pain. Her teeth are clenched, tiny chipped doors.
The alphabet chart again.
D-E-A-D.
No, you hurry to assure her, as you have a thousand times before. No, discomfort is not death. Discomfort is only temporary.
The creases deepen.
L-I-N-E.
Deadline.
You tell your mother the month and the year that your book is due, and she asks for the exact date.
Most people dont meet their deadline, you say. You are distracted. There is too much shit. It is a wet, languid mass that has gathered in all her folds. Mud-brown and yellow and green oozing across the loaf of her flesh.
You want to rid your mother entirely of its unacceptability, but that is plainly impossible. Scrub too hard, even with a wet towel, and you will tear the rice paper of her skin. Too lightly and the bacteria left behind will fester into infection. These are the inevitabilities that come from living in a bed for eight years. You want to save your mother from these inevitabilities, just as she wants to save you from your own. But, helplessly and hopelessly, you are both beyond each others reach.
Ill try to make the deadline, you say, as you pull the sheet from underneath her. You are wiping the folds around her pubic bone when she signals with her eyes for you to stop. She is grimacing again, in pain. A kind you would have to crawl into her body to understand.
“Not try. Never try,” she spells out. “You do. Or you dont.”
Not long after you and your mother arrived in the U.S., before your father left for good, a stranger came to the door of your dank studio apartment in New Haven to convince your mother of the existence of God. Plump, dignified, with a loose, expressive face, she was the first American, and the first Black person, you had ever seen up close. “Jehovahs Witness” meant nothing to your mother, so she took to calling the woman Missionary Lady.
That first day, Missionary Lady came bearing a free Chinese-language picture book in which a white-haired man with benevolent eyes presided serenely over Popsicle-colored sunsets. While your mother presented her with slices of watermelon, the visitor even chimed in with a few halting words of Chinese that shed picked up in the immigrant-dense neighborhood, only one of which you understood: “Saviour.”
Your mother could have used a savior then. Her marriage was on the verge of dissolution, her visa was about to expire, and she had scarcely two hundred dollars to her name and an eight-year-old daughter in tow.
In the course of several months, Missionary Lady visited weekly. Did your mother confide in her new friend the difficulties of her life? You dont know. But sometimes, as the light grew dim in the evening, you saw her thumbing through the picture book.
One of those times, when you couldnt contain yourself any longer, you asked her, “Did Missionary Lady accomplish her mission?”
“Its a good story,” your mother said, sighing. “But a story cant save me.”
Your mother didnt believe in God. But she had an iron faith, embodied in a classic fable popularized by [Chairman Mao](https://www.newyorker.com/tag/mao-zedong):
Once upon a time in ancient China, there lived an old man named Yu Gong. His house was nestled in a remote village and separated from the wider world by two giant mountains. Although he was already ninety years old, Yu Gong was determined to remove these obstructions, and he called on his sons to help him. His only tools were hoes and pickaxes. The mountains were massive, and the sea, where he dumped the rocks hed chipped away, was so distant that he could make only one round trip in a year. His ambition was absurd enough that it soon invited the mockery of the local wise man. But Yu just looked at the man and sighed. “When I die, there will be my sons to continue the task, and when they die there will be their sons,” he responded. The God of Heaven, who overheard Yu, was so impressed with his persistence that he dispatched two deputies to help with the impossible goal, and the mountains were forever removed from Yus sight.
The world in which your mother grew up was predicated on the ideals of perseverance and will power. Born of messianic utopianism, its morality was one of extreme polarity. If you didnt attempt the impossible, you were indolence itself. If you were not flawless, you were evil. If you could not face the prospect of becoming a martyr, you were a coward. If you were not absolutely pure in thought and deed, you were damned. A single moment of lassitude could signal a descent into depravity. Discipline and endurance were destiny.
There was an old adage that your mother repeated for as long as you can remember, as if fingering rosary beads: “Time is like water in a sponge.” You, she implied, wouldnt have the fortitude to squeeze out every drop. Would you have had the perseverance of Old Man Yu? she was in the habit of asking you, challenging you.
You couldnt imagine your mother not moving a mountain. The brute, burning force of her striving was its own religion.
In China, your mother had been a doctor. In Connecticut, she got a job as a live-in housekeeper. When that job ended, she got another. For years, you wandered like nomads, squatting in immense, remote houses, as disconnected from your idea of home as the country in which you found yourselves.
Not long after you moved into the first house, your mothers employer gave you a journal with a [Degas](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/04/11/degas-at-moma) ballerina on the cover. One of the first things you recorded in it was the cost of the journal, which you found on the back cover: $12.99, almost twice your mothers hourly wage. “Dear Diary,” you wrote in an early entry, “How will I fill you up?” The blank face of the page. The empty house of you.
In the residence that physically housed you, you and your mother occupied one room and one bed. You liked to pretend that the room, wrapped in chintz and adorned with prints of mallards, was your private island in the middle of foreign territory. All around you was unrecognizable, ephemeral wilderness, your mother the sole patch of habitable terrain. Only she knew where you came from, was part of your lifes seamless continuity, from the crumbling concrete tenement house where you lived during your first seven years to the studio apartment where the Missionary Lady brought you God and on to the mallards and the chintz. Without your mother, everything was smoke, the true shape of things hidden. A chipped enamelled rice cooker was all you retained of the apartment from which the two of you had been evicted months earlier. Your mother had managed to sneak it into this room and place it under the night table. You recorded this fact in your journal, because it was as if the two of you had got away with something illicit.
[](https://www.newyorker.com/cartoon/a27033)
“I wasnt getting any work done at home, so I thought Id try somewhere hot, bright, and uncomfortable.”
Cartoon by Asher Perlman
The two of you, feckless as runaway children.
When your mother was pregnant in China, she prayed for twins. It was the only permissible subversion of the states single-child policy.
Sometimes, in the womb, one twin eats the other, you learned from a medical encyclopedia in your school library. This isnt exactly true—one twin absorbs the other, who has stopped developing in utero. The medical term for this is “a vanishing twin.” You were not a twin, but the imagined carnage of cannibalism, of one baby devouring the other, stayed in your memory. Both children in the womb *try* to survive. Only one does.
You wandered into the plot of your life, half asleep. Like that room you shared with your mother, it didnt belong to you. One moment you were your mothers fellow-émigré and co-conspirator, and the next you were a rope pitched into the unknown, braided with strands of her implacable resolve and reckless ambition. You were the ladder upward out of her powerlessness, the towline that pulled the enterprise forward.
You had only partial access to the plan, but your mother hurtled ahead, measuring possibility against potential, maneuvering education and opportunity into position.
Your grades in school were not a measure of your aptitude in language arts or arithmetic but a testament to your ability to hold on to life itself. To grip the rock face, evade the avalanche, and swing yourself up to the next slab. Your mother lived below you, on the eroded slope, the pebbles always slipping beneath her feet, as she spelled out the situation with a desperation that struck you as humiliation: “You go to *school* in America, and I clean *toilets* in America.”
Your mother hated nothing so much as cleaning toilets. The injustice of it. Specks of other peoples shit that clung to the bowls upper rims, which she had to reach inside with her hands to wipe off.
The toilet bowl was the crucible of indignity, this strange commode you began using only upon arrival in this country.
In the latrine in your tenement in China, everything was steeped and smeared in the natural, variegated brown of feces. But here things were different. Here the gleaming white of the porcelain was accusatory, so clearly did it mark the difference between the disgusting and the pristine, the pure and the wretched.
The first time you clogged the toilet in the bathroom connected to your room—you had not known it was possible to dam up such a civilized contraption with your own excrement—you just stood there, stupefied, as the water rose and poured over the edge. Even before your mother sheepishly borrowed the plunger from her employer, before she hissed that it was enough that she cleaned other peoples shit to earn a living, she couldnt go around cleaning up yours, too, you felt dipped in an ineradicable disgrace.
One of the first stories about survival that you read in the American school your mother sent you to was that of a man who lost everything. Youd thought this was a story about an American god, but your teacher told you that it was also “Literature.”
In the land of Uz, there lived a man named [Job](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/12/16/misery-3). God-fearing and upright, Job had seven sons and three daughters. He owned seven thousand sheep. Then, as the story goes, Satan and God decided to terrorize him. He was robbed of his home, his livestock, his children. Both mental and physical illness tormented him. His entire body was covered in painful boils that caused him to cry, “Why did I not perish at birth and die as I came from the womb?” In the end, when Job maintained his unswerving loyalty to God, everything was returned to him twofold.
In the story of Yu Gong, God rewards an old man who endeavors to do the impossible by helping him to accomplish in one lifetime what should have taken many. In the story of Job, God rewards an old man who maintains his faith against all odds by multiplying his worth.
Your mothers story was different from both Yu Gongs and Jobs:
Once upon a time there lived a woman who wanted to exchange her present for her daughters future. Little did she know that, if she did so, the two of them would merge into one ungainly creature, at once divided and reconstituted, and time would flow through both of them like water in a single stream. The child became the mothers future, and the mother became the childs present, taking up residence in her brain, blood, and bones. The woman vowed that she had no need for God, but her child always wondered, Was the bargain her mother had made a kind of prayer?
The first time you saw your mother steal, you were eleven and standing in the lotions aisle of CVS.
The air constricted in your lungs as you watched her clutch a jar of Olay face cream, slipping it into her purse, while pretending to examine the bottles on the next shelf over. Her fingers: they moved with animal instinct, deft and decisive, as if trapping prey.
It was your mother who had taught you that it was wrong to steal.
She didnt shoplift for the same reason that your seventh-grade classmates did. There was no thrill in it for her, of that you were certain. The things she stole were not, strictly speaking, items you or she needed in order to survive. She stole small indulgences that she did not believe she could afford, things that ever so briefly loosened the shackles of her misery.
And, knowing this, whenever you saw her steal you felt a slow, spreading dread, the recognition that there was something in you that could judge your mother, even as you actively colluded with her.
What you know of your mothers childhood can be summarized in a single story that is about not her childhood but her fathers:
There once lived a little boy, the son of impoverished tenant farmers. One day, he was invited to the village fair by the child of his richer neighbor. The neighbor gave the boy a few coins to spend at the fair. Ecstatic, he bought himself the first toy of his life, a wooden pencil, which he hung proudly around his neck the whole day. When he returned home, his parents beat him within an inch of his life. Those coins could have bought rice and grains! Enough to feed the family for a week!
This was the only story your grandfather told your mother of his childhood, and the first time she told it to you, you recognized the echo of every hero tale you were taught as a child. A Communist cadre till the end, your grandfather had run away at age sixteen to join the Party, which had given him the first full belly he had known. Just as important, the Party had taught him how to read, inspired the avidity with which he had marked up Maos Little Red Book: his cramped, inky annotations marching up and down the page like so many ants trooping through mountains.
The second time your mother told you the story, you were ten or eleven and she didnt have to tell it at all. The two of you were at Staples, shopping for school supplies. “*Back-to-school sale*,” the posters all over the store screamed. Four notebooks, four mechanical pencils, your mother had stipulated, but you wanted more. You always wanted more. When you persisted, she had only to look at you and utter the words “You have more than anyone” for you to know exactly whom she was referring to.
The story was growing inside you, just as it had grown in your mother: a cactus whose spines pierced their way through your thoughts.
One day, your mother unexpectedly appeared in your reading life as an indigent Austrian immigrant in nineteen-tens New York. The novel was called “[A Tree Grows in Brooklyn](https://www.amazon.com/Grows-Brooklyn-Anniversary-Perennial-Classics/dp/0060736267/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2HK9ZSE26ZC8&keywords=tree%20grows%20in%20brooklyn&qid=1685719621&sprefix=tree%20grows%20in%20brooklyn,aps,89&sr=8-1),” and although you could have found neither Austria nor Brooklyn on a map, the narrative moved through you until you seemed to be living inside it, instead of the other way round.
You read the novel once, twice, three times, swallowed up by the dyad of the plain, timorous, bookish daughter and her fierce and unsentimental working-class mother. The idea that mutual devotion could generate seething resentment and sorrow—it made your heart hammer. The episode that left the deepest impression on you involved a ritual in which the mother allows her daughter to have a cup of coffee with every meal, even knowing that she wont drink it, will just pour it out. “I think its good that people like us can waste something once in a while and get the feeling of how it would be to have lots of money and not have to worry about scrounging,” the mother remarks.
*Scrounging*. Until you read that sentence, you had not realized that that was what you and your mother did. It had never occurred to you that there could be another way for the two of you to live.
Now it seemed that you could be lacking in means yet be in possession of possibilities—this you who was one with your mother but not your mother, who squatted in other peoples houses, who hungered for everything but contributed nothing.
But what did you mean to accomplish by telling your mother that story? Your mother, for whom every story was a tool, for whom *that* story could only be a knife.
How slowly she turned to face you as she said these words: “I know what you are doing. If thats the mother you want, go out and find her.”
You were alone and she was alone. But it was the way the loneliness lived separately in each of you that pushed you both to the brink of disintegration.
Every time she left the house without you to run an errand or to pick up the children who were her charge, you were newly convinced that she would not return. Half of you had departed.
The other half was stranded in that airless prison, with nothing but your journal, your notebooks, and your mechanical pencils.
One day, she let slip something she could only have read in that journal.
When you confronted her about it, she was coolly impenitent.
“Oh, you must have known,” she said briskly.
“Known what?”
“I wouldnt have read it if I didnt have to.”
You didnt know how to respond except to stare at her in amazement.
“Yes,” she doubled down, eyes ablaze. “I wouldnt have to if you didnt keep so many secrets.”
Secrets? The only things you had ever kept from your mother were thoughts that you knew were unacceptable: sources of your own permanent self-disgust and shame. Her reading your journal was akin to her examining your soiled underwear.
“You are behaving like a child,” you muttered.
“What did you say?”
You caught a glint in her eye, a primordial helplessness. She had no choice but to unleash upon you, smash her rage into you like countless shards of glass.
Long after you had moved out of that room with the mallards and the rice cooker, the room that fused two into one, you understood that she was not so much beating you into submission as pulling you back into her body. It was an act not of aggression but of desperate self-defense.
How old were you the day the two of you found yourselves in that art museum? Old enough that you were interested in things that tested the boundaries of your understanding, old enough to pause for a long while in front of a sculpture—a circle cast in metal, like an oversized clock, inside of which were two simplified figures in profile. One walking from the top, feet mid-stride at twelve oclock, the other, with the same rolling gait, stepping past six oclock.
“What are we looking at?” your mother asked, by which she meant, What are *you* looking at?
You were in the habit of puzzling out the right answer, but this time you spoke instinctively.
“Life is not a line but a circle,” you said. You spoke confidently precisely because it was not a great insight. You knew it to be true the way you knew the sky to be blue. “No matter where you are, you can only walk into yourself.”
You had received a scholarship to a fancy boarding school. She had moved from housekeeping to waitressing. Your world had expanded while hers remained suspended.
“A circle?” she said, and then said it again, questing and songlike. “Life is a circle.”
There was a silence during which she tilted her chin and appraised you as if you were one of the figures in the sculpture. “Thats nice,” she said softly, with something akin to wonder.
You spent your early twenties waiting for your real life to begin, peering at it, as if through a window. How to break that windowpane? You didnt know. You were living in New York now, and you had a menial job at the Y.M.C.A. on the Bowery, where you were tasked with putting up multilingual signage. Most days, you had enough downtime to read books purporting to teach you how to write books.
The Y.M.C.A. was next to a Whole Foods, and every day after work you filled up a container with overpriced lettuce, beets, and boiled eggs and slipped upstairs to eat it in the café without paying. One day you were caught and led to a dark, dirty room where a Polaroid of you was snapped and you were told that, if you were ever caught stealing again, the police would be called.
The security guard who caught you, a boy who looked younger than you, couldnt hide his pleasure when he dumped the untouched food in the trash. Did you steal that, too, he said, smirking, and nodded at the book in your hand.
It was a copy of “[The Writing Life](https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Life-Annie-Dillard/dp/0060919884/ref=sr_1_1?crid=151VIED4XRHE1&keywords=dillard%20writing%20life&qid=1685719706&sprefix=dillard%20writing%20life,aps,82&sr=8-1),” the first book of Annie Dillards youd read. You had just got to the passage where Dillard refers to a succession of words as “a miners pick.” If you wield it to dig a path, she says, soon you will find yourself “deep in new territory.”
For you, the path always led back to your mother. How many times did you start a story about a mother and a daughter, only to find that you could not grope your way to an ending? How many times on a Friday after work, as you rode the train from the city to Connecticut, where your mother still lived, did you feel the forward motion as a journey backward through time?
In her presence, you were always divided against yourself.
There was the you who was walking away from her and the you who was perpetually diving back in.
Motor neurons, among our longest cells, pave a path of electric signals from brain to body. As A.L.S. progresses, cognitive function usually remains intact, but the motor neurons cease to deliver those signals. Without directives from above, limbs and organs gradually shut down until, at last, the body no longer knows how to inhale air.
You were twenty-five when your mothers illness was diagnosed, and never had the battle plan been more clear. You moved her into your apartment, one you had selected for the two of you, with a room for her and one for you. You fed her bottles of Ensure by the spoonful—until it had to be pushed through a feeding tube directly into her stomach. You set an alarm clock to wake you whenever you needed to adjust her breathing machine. You took on additional freelance work and began borrowing money from friends; you opted out of medical insurance for yourself until you could afford a part-time home aide, who was subsequently replaced by a full-time one. And then two.
The day that the motor neurons in your mothers body could no longer travel the length of her diaphragm, you received a call from the home aide, telling you that your mother was unconscious and that her skin was turning a translucent shade of blue.
At the hospital, when it became clear that your unconscious mother would die without mechanical ventilation, you were asked to make the choice on her behalf.
Will you save your mother or let her die?
It wasnt a choice.
Neither of you lived in the realm of choices. This was what you could not find the language to convey when her eyes flapped open, when her mouth dropped and no sound came out. A maimed bird. You had done that. You had done it not by choice but by pure instinct.
There was your mother, locked inside her body. There was her face, the color of cement after rain. There were her eyes: dark, plaintive, screaming.
That was the first terrible day of the alphabet chart, which you had encouraged her to learn while she still had the faculty of speech. Which she had dismissed, along with the use of a wheelchair. Your mothers belief in the future was always as selective as her memory of the past.
At 2 *a.m*., a heavy-footed, uniformed woman came in to change your mother.
“Family members arent allowed,” she said.
You posed this as a possibility to your mother and watched her eyes quake.
“Well be done in a jiff.”
A jiff—the words knocked around in your head. “In a jiff,” you repeated to your mother. In a jiff, you were pushed out of the room, stumbling down the waxen-floored corridor and wheedling with the charge nurse for permission to be an exception to the rule.
“Really,” the woman said, “we are very experienced here.” She regarded you for a second—the clench of your face, the madness of your eyes. “You cant care for the patient if you dont take care of yourself first.”
You walked back to your mothers room and pulled open the curtain. The aide was gone. The sheets had been changed. A strong antiseptic smell hung heavy in the air. Your mothers face was twisted and swollen, streaked with secretions gray and green.
You asked if she was O.K., but you didnt want to know the answer. Or, rather, you already knew it.
“How could you?” your mother replied, through the alphabet chart. “You left me like an animal.”
Your mother never liked animals much and barely tolerated the pets of her employers. In the first family, there were two dogs, Max and Willy, a blond and a chocolate Lab, but your mother never called them by their names. To her, they were the Smart One and the Dumb One.
Once, when the six-year-old child she was tasked with caring for asked what her favorite animal was, she answered “panda” without even a pause. You were older, and it had never occurred to you to ask your mother such a question. “Have you ever seen one?” the child continued. “In real life?”
“No,” she responded. “Of course not.”
A whiskered doctor with a sagging belly delivers the news that your mother has pneumonia in both lungs and is at grave risk if she doesnt get a tracheostomy.
Frowning, he speculates that she may not survive the pneumonia, in any case. “Look at her,” he instructs you, his voice raised to be heard above the machines that hum out her life. “Her body is *wasted*.” That word: “wasted.” It is a word you want to eviscerate. A word as savage as “jiff.”
“So what do we do?” you ask.
“We wait.”
She has been placed on two kinds of antibiotics. You ask how long they will take to work.
“*If* they work,” he corrects you.
Once upon a time there lived a woman who wanted to collapse time and space. The plan was to exchange her present for her ailing mothers future. Little did she know that, if she did so, the two of them would merge into one ungainly creature, at once divided and reconstituted, and time would flow through both of them like water in a single stream.
But the stream. How strangely that stream would flow, not forward but in a loop, as the mother became the childs purpose.
One creature, disassembled into two bodies.
Pneumonia, bladder infections, kidney stones: predators that attack your mothers body with such frequency and ferocity that she is permanently entombed in the womb of her hospital room. The room around which you and a rotation of private aides orbit like crazed, frenetic birds.
You are thirty and have just begun writing for a living. Your mothers English is not good enough for her to read your magazine articles, but she is interested only in the efficiency of a summary, anyway. Always her first question: Do other people like it? By which she means the people on whom your survival depends.
[](https://www.newyorker.com/cartoon/a27483)
“Odd, since neither of us ever overfeeds her by even the smallest amount.”
Cartoon by Julia Suits
When you began writing about her, it did not feel voluntary.
But how it must have struck her: treachery, theft, shame manipulated and exploited.
The last time you see your mother alive, you lie. You tell her that you need to leave so that you can check on her belongings at the care facility, but, really, you are hoarding time to work on a story, time that will vanish once the next day begins. She nods. You dont make eye contact. You can never bear to look her in the eye when you are lying.
The last time you see your mother alive, you lie.
You lied, and she died.
Sunlight is a knife in the morning. There is a predatory quality to its intensity. Opening your eyes, you half expect to disappear. To be absorbed into the ether. When, instead, the world appears, you cannot trust it. You have never seen the world without your mother in it. So how can you be sure that you are seeing it or that this is, in fact, the same “it”?
Tell the story well enough, because you got to go to school while she scrubbed toilets.
Tell the story well enough so that time and space will collapse and the two of you will course in a single stream, like water. Tell the story well enough to abolish the end.
Tell the story well enough.
Tell the story well enough.
Tell the story well enough.
Tell the story well enough so that both babies will survive.
In your new apartment, you live among your mothers journals, her shoes, her clock, that strange hanging circle, long ago stopped. Sometimes you wonder if you made her up. Her voice in your head: an incessant pull of you to yourself, your most enduring tether.
Tell me a story, the mother inside you says.
What kind of story? you respond.
Something you read thats interesting but not too complicated. A story that I can understand.
What comes to mind is the story of the octopus.
The kind I used to cook for you? she asks.
Yes, you say. Like the kind you used to soft-boil for me and marinate with vinegar and sesame oil.
But you know animals dont interest me.
And why is that?
Because I am not a small child.
Right. I am the child, and I want to tell my mother a story about a mother. A mother who also happens to be an octopus.
She rolls her eyes. Oh, how she rolls her eyes.
Once upon a time there lived a mother octopus. For a long time, she roamed alone on the ocean floor, and then one day she became pregnant.
How did she become pregnant?
Not important to the story. Whats important is that she lays eggs only once in her life.
I hope she lays quality eggs, my mother says, grinning.
Well, there are a lot of them, tiny white beads that float free until she gathers them into clusters with her long arms and twists them into braids, which she hangs from the roof of an underwater cave. She is a very resourceful octopus, you see.
It sounds tedious, your mother says. Not unlike this story.
In the sea, there is no time for exhaustion, you continue, faster, trying to breathe it all out before she interrupts you again. Everything is cold, barren, and dark. Death swallows up whatever is not protected. To keep her eggs growing, the mother must bathe them constantly in new waves of water, nourishing them with oxygen and shielding them from predators and debris.
Do all the mothers do this? she asks. Or just this particular octopus?
All the octopuses who are mothers. They dont move or eat.
This is not the kind of story I had in mind, she remarks.
A good story moves. It glides and slithers like an octopus in a way that is unexpected yet inevitable.
Yes, I know that. You arent smarter than me, you know.
I have always known that.
Well, go on and finish it. What happens to the octopus? When does she get to eat? Will her babies survive?
The babies in the eggs get bigger and stronger. They are eager to begin their own lives. But they are also small. The mother knows this. She, too, has become small. She is weaker now. Without food and exercise, her tangle of arms goes dull and gray. Her eyes sink into their sockets.
I dont think I like where this is going.
Just bear with me a little longer, you say. When the eggs are about to hatch, the mother octopus thrusts her arms to help the babies emerge; she may throw herself rocks, or mutilate herself. She may consume parts of her own tentacles. This is her final act, you see. And then, with her last bit of strength, she uses her siphon to blow the eggs free. Those perfect miniatures of their mother, with tiny tentacles and an inborn sense of what they must—
No! she interrupts. I see what you are doing.
What? you respond. Jesus, what is it?
You are doing the predictable thing. Just what you say a story is not supposed to do.
I dont know how to tell it any other way, you say quietly.
Why dont you have a choice? she asks.
Stop it, stop it! you interject. I am talking to my dead mother in a made-up story. You would never use that word: “choice.”
But I am free to do whatever I want now, she says.
Now that you are dead?
Now that I live only in *your* story.
But my story *is* your story, you say. What am I without you?
A thing that moves, your mother answers. A thing that is alive. ♦
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Date: 2023-06-13
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# Affirmative Action Never Had a Chance
## The conservative backlash to the civil-rights era began immediately — and now its nearly complete.
[![Portrait of Zak Cheney-Rice](https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/f82/42d/433fb889d3edc4b013b86e6487abf09387-ZakCheney-RiceFINAL.2x.rsquare.w168.jpg)](https://nymag.com/author/zak-cheney-rice/)
By , a New York features writer who covers race, politics, culture, and law enforcement
In their original form, affirmative action programs in the 1960s sought to give Black workers access to trade unions. Photo: Higgins/Courtesy of the Special Collections Research Center. Temple University Libraries. Philadelphia, PA.
Arthur Fletcher had already been a Baltimore Colts lineman and an administrator for the state highway department when he started applying for jobs as a football coach in Kansas. It was 1957, three years after the U.S. Supreme Court outlawed *de jure* racial segregation in schools with [*Brown* v. *Board of Education*](https://www.archives.gov/milestone-documents/brown-v-board-of-education). Fletcher lived in Topeka with his wife and five children, and he had $15,000 in debt from an ill-fated side career as a concert promoter. He was building tires for Goodyear to make ends meet, but his odds at landing a coaching job looked promising. He was, after all, the first Black player on the Colts.
But if *Brown* meant progress for millions of students, it meant little for Fletchers job prospects. “I presented myself to school board after school board after school board in the state of Kansas, and the answer was, You are ready, but were not,’” he said, according to *A Terrible Thing to Waste*, historian David Hamilton Gollands biography of him.
Fletcher never asked for special treatment. His stepfather was a [buffalo soldier.](https://www.thenmusa.org/articles/buffalo-soldiers/) Self-reliance was the gospel in his childhood home. But everywhere Fletcher looked, bigotry and discrimination were freezing Black Americans out of an equal shot at American prosperity.
Fletcher left Kansas and took his chances in the West Coastbased defense industries, while immersing himself in the world of Republican political organizing. In 1968, he ran for lieutenant governor of Washington and lost. He was nursing his wounds that autumn when the president-elect offered him a job. Richard Nixon had barely won his own race that year. Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy had recently been killed, and Americas streets were smoldering. Neutralizing riots was top of mind for the “law and order” candidate. The solution he chose was “[Black capitalism](https://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,901274,00.html).”
“Instead of government jobs, and government housing, and government welfare,” Nixon [said](https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-accepting-the-presidential-nomination-the-republican-national-convention-miami) at the 1968 Republican National Convention, “let government use its tax and credit policies to enlist in this battle the greatest engine of progress ever developed in the history of man — American private enterprise.” His reasoning was that government aid in Black neighborhoods created waste and dependency. To promote equality and quell unrest, Black ghetto-dwellers needed pride of ownership through entrepreneurialism — more Black businesses and Black banks in Black neighborhoods.
The pitch was a natural draw for Fletcher. If Nixon had any doubts about whether he would support his civil-rights agenda, they were swiftly put to rest. “I dont believe in jumping to welfare when theres so much work out there,” Fletcher said when Nixon mentioned one of his welfare initiatives.
After he took office in 1969, Nixon appointed Fletcher to be his assistant secretary of Labor, making him one of the countrys highest-ranking Black government officials. At six-foot-four with dark skin and close-cropped hair, Fletcher was a fly in Nixons proverbial buttermilk — an administration of slick-haired white guys known by critics as “Uncle Stroms Cabin,” according to Mehrsa Baradaran, a UC Irvine law professor whose book *The Color of Money* sheds light on this era.
The policy for which Fletcher is remembered, and that earned him the nickname “the father of affirmative action,” was introduced that June. It started as a modest tweak to the federal contracting process. The construction firms and tradesmen who were winning federal contracts at the time were almost all white, a reflection of how segregated local trade unions were. “We even found Italians with green cards who couldnt speak English, let alone read or write a word, sentence, or paragraph — yet who were working on federal contracts,” Fletcher wrote. Meanwhile, the same contractors were claiming they couldnt find qualified Black workers, an assertion that Fletcher decided to test by forcing them to integrate. He added a provision to federal contracts that required contractors to set “goals and timetables” for hiring more Black and non-white workers, expressed as percentages that were to be increased over four years.
The [Revised Philadelphia Plan](https://philadelphiaencyclopedia.org/essays/philadelphia-plan-2/), as his initiative was called, is now considered the first example of “hard” affirmative action implemented by the federal government, a term that acknowledged that merely outlawing legal discrimination was insufficient redress for the wreckage wrought by two centuries of discrimination. Proactive, or “affirmative,” measures had to be taken, too.
“I consider that my little footnote in history,” Fletcher wrote of this fateful decision. “I went into that administration with the conviction that if we could change the role of Blacks in the economy, wed do nothing short of changing the nations culture.”
Not long after, Harvard Law School debuted a parallel initiative known as [the Harvard Plan](https://hls.harvard.edu/today/walter-leonard-champion-of-diversity-in-higher-education-1929-2015/), the core of which was a formula for evaluating applicants that considered their racial background. That plan was later adapted for the schools undergraduate admissions, leading to explosive growth in the share of minority admits and establishing a pattern that has since been replicated across higher education.
Fifty-four years later, that period of growth is probably ending. In October, the Supreme Court heard oral arguments in [*Students for Fair Admissions* v. *Harvard*](https://www.oyez.org/cases/2022/20-1199) and [*Students for Fair Admissions* v. *University of North Carolina*](https://www.oyez.org/cases/2022/21-707), two cases that, when decided in June, are expected to outlaw the consideration of race in school admissions for good and, by extension, kill affirmative action across all sectors of American life.
If all goes as anticipated, this ruling would be the latest anti-civil-rights salvo from a right-wing Supreme Court majority that has already overturned *Roe* v. *Wade*. Several turns have led us to this crossroads. The Court has played a crucial role, narrowing the scope of affirmative action to the point that its original aim — redressing the material deprivation facing Black people and other minorities — has been supplanted by anodyne gestures toward diversity. But theres also a deeper and more familiar betrayal at work. Affirmative action emerged at a time in American history when Black civil-rights advocates were calling for a comprehensive rewrite of the social contract. The pillars of their [agenda](https://www.prrac.org/pdf/FreedomBudget.pdf) included full voting rights, equal access to education, robust anti-discrimination laws with strong enforcement, universal health care, and a full-employment economy.
In the decades since, weve seen those pillars falter and crumble. The Supreme Court has invited the de facto [resegregation](https://guides.loc.gov/latinx-civil-rights/sanantonio-isd-v-rodriguez) of American primary schools and [gutted](https://www.justice.gov/crt/shelby-county-decision) the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Black communities are beset by [police violence](https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1821204116) and [mass incarceration](https://www.prisonpolicy.org/blog/2022/05/19/updated_charts/#:~:text=The%20system%20of%20mass%20incarceration,incarcerated%20in%20the%20United%20States.). Black families are afflicted by deadly [health ailments](https://apnews.com/article/black-americans-health-disparities-takeaways-434d87016d1e1e7ebd88752792be9acc) and [unemployment rates](https://www.brookings.edu/2023/02/13/historical-unemployment-for-black-women-and-men-in-the-united-states-1954-2021/) that are singular on the national landscape.
Now were heading toward the death of Americas last surviving race-based redistributive program. The controversies surrounding affirmative action have revolved around education — in other words, the legacy of the Harvard Plan — a narrow debate that has foreclosed the possibilities of what affirmative action could have been.
Arthur Fletchers Philadelphia Plan is a reminder that even the less ambitious civil-rights advocates once had more expansive dreams than improving diversity in ivory towers and the C-suite. It was ultimately doomed by several overlapping factors: the GOPs wholesale turn against Black communities, the white working classs betrayal of their Black peers, and the governments terror of sparking a backlash from white voters. Alongside the Harvard Plan, it represented the other half of the affirmative-action equation: the idea that the government could help build a Black middle class the same way the labor movement made a white middle class, by creating good-paying jobs for low-skilled workers without a lot of education. And it never had a chance.
The first-ever federal agency for investigating claims of racial discrimination in hiring, known as the [Fair Employment Practices Committee](https://www.archives.gov/milestone-documents/executive-order-8802), was created in 1941. Black workers were being denied jobs en masse despite a boom in the defense industry, and Black labor leader A. Philip Randolph threatened President Franklin D. Roosevelt with a 100,000-strong March on Washington if he did not take executive action. The FEPC managed to head off Randolphs protest, but otherwise turned out to be functionally useless at stopping discrimination. It was defunct by 1946.
The more forceful equal-opportunity policies of the Kennedy and Johnson administrations were a response to the pressure of the civil-rights movement. Kennedy gave an executive order barring employers from discriminating on the basis of race and required federal contractors to provide equal employment opportunities — meaning not intentionally keeping non-white workers out of a job. Johnson introduced permanent contract bans for scofflaw firms, while the [1964 Civil Rights Act](https://www.archives.gov/milestone-documents/civil-rights-act#:~:text=This%20act%2C%20signed%20into%20law,civil%20rights%20legislation%20since%20Reconstruction.), which he signed into law, made discrimination across a host of categories — race, sex, religion, national origin — illegal in areas including jobs.
But by the time Nixon was sworn in, every major effort by the federal government to make sure employers werent freezing Black people out of the job market had fallen short, giving rise to the ominous possibility of Black revolt. Nixons first term coincided with the age of Black power, an evolution of the civil-rights movement that was more militant. Its insurrectionary edge was expressed through uprisings in the nations Black ghettos, and its intellectual and political sympathies were wrapped up in the revolutionary movements spanning the Global South, especially Africa. These movements were anti-imperialist, and many were Marxist. The specter of a homegrown anti-capitalist insurrection, however small, during the height of the Cold War spooked Nixon, and he responded with a deadly counterintelligence program — [COINTELPRO](https://www.aclu.org/documents/more-about-fbi-spying) — dedicated to neutralizing groups like the Black Panthers. Publicly, however, Nixon adopted a less combative approach to the problem of Black dissatisfaction, which was focused as much on economic inequality as political inequality.
Arthur Fletcher, now known as the “father of affirmative action,” was the face of Richard Nixons civil-rights agenda. Photo: Bob Daugherty/ASSOCIATED PRESS
This was where Black capitalism came in. Fletcher sympathized with the anger in the ghetto, but thought that revolution was preposterous. “He was an unabashed capitalist, he was an anti-communist, and he saw fitting into the system as the best way forward for equality between the races,” said Golland, Fletchers biographer.
So when contractors started agreeing to the Philadelphia Plans terms and setting goals for how they would integrate, Fletcher felt vindicated. He set off on a victory tour with stops in Atlanta, New York, Phoenix, Chicago, and Baltimore, and made syndicated television appearances trumpeting the Nixon administrations affirmative-action program, which was more aggressive than his Democratic predecessors. The plan began to spread to other cities.
But with hindsight, it is easy to see his efforts were doomed. His work on Nixons behalf did not win him more influence. Hed almost single-handedly made the administrations civil-rights agenda look sincere, but the president was still courting Jim Crow nostalgists. “A cabinet-level position for a Black man at that time would have undermined the Southern Strategy,” Golland writes, referring to the GOPs growing dependence on white votes from [former Confederate states](https://belonging.berkeley.edu/new-southern-strategy). Plus, Fletchers success was making lots of people mad. “This thing is about as popular as a crab in a whorehouse,” said Everett Dirksen, the Republican Senate minority leader. The Philadelphia Plan was even more poisonous to white labor leaders and rank-and-file tradesmen, whose resistance to integration made them ripe targets for the coalition the GOP was trying to build even as it tried to placate the civil-rights community.
In the spring of 1970, hundreds of pro-war construction workers converged on lower Manhattan and attacked student demonstrators who were protesting the recent killings of four university students at Kent State. These workers were joined a few days later by local longshoremen, white-collar workers, and union leaders in a series of protests against the NYPDs nonresponse to the student protests. Tens of thousands surrounded City Hall on May 20. Peter J. Brennan, a Nixon supporter who headed the Building and Construction Trades Council of Greater New York, followed up with a visit to the White House, where he presented the president with a ceremonial hard hat. Nixons embrace of the so-called “[Hard Hat Rioters](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/hard-hat-riot-1970-pitted-construction-workers-against-anti-war-protestors-180974831/)” enraged civil-rights leaders, but the president was starting to see the future of the GOP in these workers.
Brennan was an innovator in ducking Fletchers affirmative-action initiatives. He devised an alternative policy in New York that allowed local construction firms to exempt themselves from the Philadelphia Plan by coming up with their own more flexible integration goals. These so-called “Hometown Plans” were a sham, but they were good news for Nixon — if labor leaders complained to him about Fletcher being overzealous, he could point to this workaround as an alternative.
Still, firms that had failed to uphold their own integration plans were having their contracts terminated. To them, even the most modest requirements — one union was asked to increase its Black membership from six out of 800 — were an intolerable threat to the bottom line. Eventually, white labor leaders turned against Fletcher in force and made Nixon choose between them. “This fellow Fletcher, this appointee of yours, Im sure youre not responsible for what hes doing right now,” said Brennan at a 1971 meeting with Nixon. “People are trying to do the right thing and being harassed.” For his part, Nixon saw Black people as ingrates for not rewarding him with more votes. “Weve done more than anybody else,” he complained, “and they dont … appreciate it.”
Fletcher was transferred out of the Labor Department in 1971 and stripped of his enforcement authority. “Fletcher had served his purpose,” writes Golland of how Nixon abandoned him. Meanwhile, the presidents relationship with Brennan was only getting stronger. Nixon agreed to withdraw his support for the Philadelphia Plan if the Labor leader agreed not to endorse his Democratic opponent in the 1972 election. At the time, this was practically unheard of. [Democrats were the party of trade unions](https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2018/01/democrats-paid-a-huge-price-for-letting-unions-die.html) and could reliably count on the vocal support of Brennan and other white union leaders. But the Democratic Partys association with civil rights under Kennedy and Johnson had caused a rift with the unions, which were now becoming more reactionary thanks, in part, to the Philadelphia Plan. Nixon made a devils bargain: Sacrifice Black equality to bring the white working class into the GOPs tent. As agreed, Brennan declined to endorse George McGovern. He was rewarded by being named Nixons new secretary of Labor.
Brennans rise effectively killed proactive federal enforcement of affirmative action in the early 1970s. Fletcher stuck around after Nixons impeachment to help Gerald Ford, and eventually stumped for the former vice-president during his successful 1976 Republican primary campaign against Ronald Reagan. But Fletcher spent most of his next chapter in the private sector, capitalizing on his GOP connections and association with the Philadelphia Plan to become a prized diversity consultant for Fortune 500 companies seeking to hire more minorities.
Historians see the migration of white working-class voters to the GOP that Nixon brokered as crucial to Donald Trumps 2016 presidential election. Its consequences include the most committedly right-wing Supreme Court majority in a generation — a cohort that makes no apologies for operating less as dispassionate jurists than as agents of the conservative movement. That Nixons Southern Strategy was hastened by an affirmative-action policy that he himself championed shows the deft and cynical way he played on both sides of the racial divide.
The idea that affirmative action would have a major economic component, that a nudge from the government would make Black capitalism an instrument of equality, had failed. And it was not just a Republican failure — as the parties underwent a realignment and Democrats became more fully the party of civil rights, they, too, abandoned the idea of labor-based affirmative action. From then on, affirmative action would increasingly be associated with education, on the assumption that a rite of passage through college would foment a robust Black middle class.
The deprivation that Black Americans faced in the post-Nixon years was relentless. In 1980, the [Washington *Post*](https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1980/09/12/minority-hiring-plan-partial-success-partial-failure/1ef58a32-c840-4f70-9597-6f8387a34653/) sent reporters to check on how Fletchers Philadelphia Plan was faring 11 years after its debut. They found a local welder named Ephraim Oakley, who had invested $15,000 in equipment under the impression that the federal government would ensure he could get work. But when he tried obtaining a union card with the local steamfitters, he was turned away. “Because those damned people wont let me into their union, Im losing thousands of dollars in work,” he said. “Im being penalized for being a nigger.” The plan had made some of the trade unions more racially mixed — it was implemented in more than 30 cities — but federal enforcement had fallen by the wayside. “It absolutely failed,” said Golland.
Here was the main problem with “Black capitalism”: There wasnt enough capital in Black communities to sustain it, ensuring that any asset-holders who set up shop were immediately underwater. Nixon never wanted to fund his initiative, either, making it little more than a politically expedient cover. “Black capitalism was a decoy,” said Mehrsa Baradaran, the Irvine law professor.
Ronald Reagans election was accelerating the white working-class [migration](https://www.vanderbilt.edu/unity/2021/04/15/trump-didnt-bring-white-working-class-voters-to-the-republican-party-he-kept-them-away/) to the GOP, a theme of which was the perceived overreach of the civil-rights movement. Cries of reverse discrimination against white Americans echoed across the country, fueled by the metamorphosis in large segments of the economy from blue-collar to white. The middle class was shrinking, the pathways into it narrowing. “In the context of diminishing rewards for the white majority facing a more and more tenuous grasp on the middle class, what is predictable is animosity,” said Touré Reed, who is co-director of the African American Studies Program at Illinois State University.
Meanwhile, other forms of affirmative action were also coming under assault. The first major challenge to affirmative action in higher education came in 1977, when the case of Allan Bakke reached the Supreme Court. Bakke was a white medical-school applicant in California who claimed he had been rejected from UC Davis because of a racial quota. Arguing that “reverse discrimination is as wrong as the primary variety it seeks to correct,” Bakke sought to eliminate the consideration of race in school admissions entirely. In an attempt to appeal to the Courts conservatives, the lawyer for the school, Archibald Cox, reframed the legal basis for affirmative action by saying it served the interests of schools to allow them to curate a diverse environment. In the summer of 1978, Lewis Powell, the swing vote appointed by Nixon, [split the difference](https://www.oyez.org/cases/1979/76-811): Daviss quota system had to go, he ruled, but schools could still consider race in admissions as long as promoting diversity was their only objective.
The decision is credited with saving affirmative action in higher education. But it also narrowed its scope, such that its original rationales — redress for past discrimination and the end of material deprivation — were legally invalid and de-emphasized in the public consciousness. And it gave legal heft to trends that were already smothering the redistributive ambitions of the 1960s: a growing consensus that America did not owe anything to Black people.
In [1989](https://www.oyez.org/cases/1988/87-998), the Supreme Court delivered a decisive blow against affirmative action in the building trades when it ruled against the capital of Virginias policy of setting aside a percentage of contracts for minority-run firms. The GOP had effectively rebranded such policies as a quota system for unqualified Black people — or “affirmative *Black*\-tion,” as Reed put it, quoting the derisive nickname used by Edward Nortons neo-Nazi character in *American History X*.
In Texas in 1992, a Republican congressional candidate named [Edward Blum](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/19/us/affirmative-action-lawsuits.html) lost an election. He responded to his defeat by blaming an unfairly drawn district, which made it too easy, in his opinion, for a minority candidate to triumph, and brought his case before the U.S. Supreme Court in 1996. The Court ruled in his favor, citing an illegal racial gerrymander — the first of many legal victories for the conservative activist, who made it his lifes mission to eradicate the consideration of race in any aspect of the law or education.
The national mood was in his favor: California voters passed Proposition 209 the same year as Blums first Supreme Court victory, outlawing affirmative action in any state or government institution. According to a 2020 [study](https://cshe.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/publications/rops.cshe.10.2020.bleemer.prop209.8.20.2020.pdf) by researchers at UC Berkeley, Prop 209 led to a “cascade” of Black and Hispanic UC applicants into “lower-quality” public and private schools, resulting in steep long-term declines in their degree-completion rates and wage earnings.
This was all happening amid an influx of Asian immigrants in the 1990s, who were generally wealthier, more highly educated, and more attractive to white-collar employers than their predecessors in the post-1965 wave. White people seeking to justify Americas racial inequities had long pointed to this [cohort](https://www.npr.org/2021/05/25/999874296/6-charts-that-dismantle-the-trope-of-asian-americans-as-a-model-minority) — people with East or South Asian ancestry, often glossing over the more downtrodden Southeasterners and Pacific Islanders — as evidence that racisms grip had loosened, or to argue that Black people were pathological and so deserved whatever grim fate befell them. But as Asian Americans established themselves in greater numbers, and in some cases started outpacing whites in income and educational achievement, many began to wonder why their successes had not earned them a proportional spot among the countrys elite.
The concerns of these Asian American activists dovetailed with decades of white conservative demagoguery, resulting in an almost absurd amount of quibbling over which of the highest-achieving students in the country deserved access to its most exclusive schools. “Thats one of the things Ive always found personally disturbing about this,” said Reed. “I dont think that most of the differences between these applicants are actually meaningful.”
Blum helped bring the case of a rejected University of Texas applicant named [Abigail Fisher](https://www.oyez.org/cases/2012/11-345) that ended up before the Supreme Court in 2016. Fishers lawyers argued that she was rejected in favor of less qualified minorities, and her defeat, amid revelations that her grades were less than sterling, was met with glee — hashtags like #StayMadAbby and pejorative nicknames like “Becky With the Bad Grades” took over social media. But Blum was already preparing his encore. He has since partnered with the ideological descendants of those 1990s Asian American activists, organizing them under the name Students for Fair Admissions, to argue that Harvard has a quota for keeping Asian applicants out. (In its less famous sister case, SFFA has claimed that the University of North Carolinas recruitment of first-generation and low-income students discriminates against other applicants.)
If Blums challenges are successful, the effects would be devastating. Everywhere that such programs have been eliminated, their modest benefits have revealed them as far preferable to their absence: more minorities in jobs and in schools, and with greater access to the trappings of a middle-class life. It would also be a fitting, if grim, end to a policy that has been assailed and chipped away at from its very inception.
By the mid-1990s, Arthur Fletcher, fresh off a position as George H.W. Bushs chair of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, found himself a lonely defender of the policy he helped create. “I would have been content to remain a footnote in history had the Republican Party, to which I have been loyal for more than fifty years, decided not to use affirmative action as a wedge issue in 1996,” he wrote. “Even my old friend Bob Dole, the Senate majority leader, who strongly supported affirmative action over the years, has turned against it in his drive to win the GOP nomination for president.”
Fletcher [decided](https://www.nytimes.com/1995/07/09/us/civil-rights-official-joins-gop-field-for-1996.html) to throw his own hat in the ring as the only pro-affirmative-action Republican presidential candidate. But there was no appetite for what he was offering, 25 years after a GOP administration had made his affirmative-action program a centerpiece of its Black agenda. He technically ran in the 1996 election, but his campaign was doing so poorly that he had to bow out in 1995.
Fletcher died in 2005. His biographer told me his effects included newspaper clippings from almost every single story about [*Grutter* v. *Bollinger*](https://www.oyez.org/cases/2002/02-241), the 2003 Supreme Court case that extended Powells decision to preserve affirmative action in higher education. “He wasnt involved in the case at all, but it mattered to him,” Golland said. Hed also never changed his party affiliation, despite the reality that being a pro-affirmative-action Republican had become an oxymoron. Change from the inside was still possible, Fletcher believed. “From 1976 to 1995, thats slightly less than 20 years,” Golland said. “Fletcher thought that if the party can change that quickly in such a short period of time, it can also change back.”
It has not changed back. Almost 20 years have passed since Fletchers death, and his beloved GOP has migrated even further away from his ideal. For all his misplaced faith in his party, the Kansan knew that Black people faced too many obstacles to become full participants in the economy without help. Today, you can barely find a Republican wholl acknowledge the problem, let alone be affirmative about solving it.
A big reason why Fletchers affirmative-action idea was palatable to Nixon, and why Coxs diversity rationale appealed to Justice Powell, was because both were a rebuke to the idea that a racially egalitarian America could be achieved through a mix of generous welfare programs and aggressive enforcement of anti-discrimination laws. Black capitalisms central promise was that simply giving Black people access to the free market could allow them to rise up economically, but even that proved too much for white America. Black capitalism has now been replaced with an even hollower promise of diversity. “The main purpose of diversity is to give white people a more diverse experience rather than to give non-white people an equal opportunity,” said Golland, Fletchers biographer.
Today, affirmative action gets treated even by Democrats like a child theyre mildly ashamed of. President Joe Biden [supports](https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2021/01/20/executive-order-advancing-racial-equity-and-support-for-underserved-communities-through-the-federal-government/) it, and in 2021 his administration [urged](https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-administration-asks-us-supreme-court-reject-harvard-affirmative-action-2021-12-09/) the Supreme Court not to hear the Harvard case. But while few in the party disparage it, they dont embrace it, either, likely because of the mixed messages provided by polling. And they certainly havent adopted anything resembling an affirmative-action policy for the labor force. Even the most obvious solution to the Supreme Court striking down affirmative action, a renewed push for universal programs like in President Johnsons Great Society, is complicated by the prospect of a familiar backlash against programs that are often [coded](https://apnews.com/article/fbd5d3c83e3243e9b03e46d7cb842eaa) as helping Black people.
When the *Bakke* arguments were heard in 1977, there was still much to be optimistic about: the major legislative victories of the civil-rights movement were just a decade old, and the new social order it birthed was still taking shape. People [camped](https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1977/10/13/crowd-waits-all-night-for-bakke-arguments/e4090b13-8956-4f47-a204-b31be586528a/) outside the courthouse to see how Americas most powerful institutions would respond to one of its first major challenges, and Powells ruling was greeted with relief. We live in a different world now. The anti-civil-rights backlash that followed has since calcified into a dominant theme of our politics. Betrayal of the movement is becoming more complete by the day — losses that we swallow more frequently now than before, but no less bitterly. “Im assuming a bloodbath is coming,” said Reed. “But well see. I hope not.”
Affirmative Action Never Had a Chance
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# How one quiet Illinois college town became the symbol of abortion rights in America
CARBONDALE, Ill. The 26-year-old had never heard of the distant southern Illinois town, but it had become the closest option.
So she cobbled together money. Found child care. Asked her brother for a ride. And set off early one morning to drive north across state lines to 22,000-person Carbondale.
It was a nearly seven-hour round trip from her home in Tennessee. Long enough for the decision to rattle in her head as the flat Midwestern landscape slipped by the car windows.
No, she told herself. I thought it out. It's not the right moment to have a child.  
She was already raising two young children. She had split with her boyfriend. She was financially unstable from losing a job. And she could face health risks. 
She finally tried to go to sleep. 
They crossed into Illinois. 
From there it was another hours drive to the outskirts of Carbondale, a place often reached by a two-lane state highway that winds by farm fields and churches or a busier route dotted with fast food, strip malls and a building on which, for a time, hung a banner reading, “Pro Life. Pro God. Pro Gun. Pro Trump.”
Mostly rural, conservative southern Illinois was an unexpected place for an abortion clinic, the 26-year-old thought, even if the towns welcome sign noted it was home to Southern Illinois University.
They parked outside a single-story office building, across from a Kroger, at the Choices Center for Reproductive Health. She walked in past a security guard to a waiting room, donning a green wristband.
![CHOICES Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, Ill.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/73f64d16-de34-4a54-bfd8-bb4752de23ef-abortion_story_carbondale_036.JPG)
![A security guard stands inside Choices Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, Illinois. April 2023.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/d12d4674-6a05-407f-9188-3b42d2d2c1f5-5D5A4104.jpg)
![The Choices Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, Illinois.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/6de59856-d7e5-421e-980c-13a9d877e5f1-5D5A2441.jpg)
When it became clear Roe v. Wade would be overturned, Choices Center for Reproductive Health looked to move abortion services from Memphis to Carbondale, Illinois, where abortion would remain legal. Choices braced for expected anti-abortion demonstrations and hired a security guard. When it became clear Roe v. Wade would be overturned, Choices Center for Reproductive Health looked to move abortion services from Memphis to Carbondale, Illinois, where abortion would remain legal. Choices braced for expected anti-abortion demonstrations and hired a security guard. When it became clear Roe v. Wade would be overturned, Choices Center for Reproductive Health looked to move abortion services from Memphis to Carbondale, Illinois, where abortion would remain legal. Choices braced for expected anti-abortion demonstrations and hired a security guard. TOP AND ABOVE LEFT: NICOLE HESTER, THE TENNESSEAN/USA TODAY NETWORK; ABOVE RIGHT: CHRIS KENNING, USA TODAY
Soon she sat on an exam table. 
Outside, a staffer put a mark on a whiteboard grid where the center kept track of its days, a row for each of six rooms, a column for each of the four people a patient would wait to see, including a nurse and a medical provider. Once each row was checked off, one patient was done; the next one could begin. Nearby, receptionists scheduled appointments for patients from as far away as Texas and Mississippi. 
After medical checks and an explanation of what to expect, the woman with the green wristband lifted a small water bottle and swallowed the first of two pills that would end her pregnancy. 
Similar scenes play out each day five miles away, a short drive past the citys Amtrak station, downtown shops and neon-lit 1950s-era Dairy Queen, on the other side of town. There, at an anodyne medical office where a vinyl sign stuck in the grass reads “Alamo Womens Clinic,” the parking lot is often filled with out-of-state license plates women who drive as long as 10 hours from the Deep South for an abortion.
![Carbondale, Illinois. April 2023.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/3354aafb-bdd8-4eeb-9ec9-f4fa503d6e22-9X0A0388.jpg)
![A city street in Carbondale, Illinois. April 2023.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/5a57a2aa-75d2-4ebe-86b9-0171cdce05cd-5D5A4003.jpg)
The road into Carbondale is dotted with signs of conservative rural America. At Illinois' far southern end, the city is closer to Mississippi than it is to Chicago. But inside city limits, where a university and a regional medical hub anchor a more left-leaning community, many people welcomed the new clinics.
Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
Outside, on a spring morning, anti-abortion protesters wore orange vests and tote brochures, hoping to persuade arriving women to turn back. A woman drove past them and strode determinedly through the waiting room to the office window. "I have an appointment," she said. 
Not far away, just off State Highway 13 near a busy farm supply store, contractors were renovating what some locals expect will soon become Carbondales third abortion clinic.
A year ago, there were no clinics in this former coal-country railroad junction turned college town.
In Illinois, anchored by liberal Chicago far to the north, abortion rights were legally protected. But they weren't as much of a local concern.
Abortion clinics operated in towns just across from St. Louis. But elective abortions had not been provided in Carbondale since 1985, when opponents had persuaded the local hospital to halt them.
The Supreme Courts dismantling of Roe v. Wade changed all that.
![A woman stands at the window of the Alamo Womens Clinic in Carbondale, Illinois, November 3, 2022.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/0f13137f-7057-420e-9caf-a7b9b89bf95b-5D5A2860.jpg)
![The Alamo Womens Clinic in Carbondale, Illinois, April 2023.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/d9042b21-ba57-44e7-a5c9-7e01f20460dd-5D5A4088.jpg)
With the changing legal landscape, Alamo Women's Clinic looked to move out of Texas and Oklahoma and reopen in other spots including Carbondale. After some contractors were reluctant to work on the site, the clinic said, it operated without a permanent sign. With the changing legal landscape, Alamo Women's Clinic looked to move out of Texas and Oklahoma and reopen in other spots including Carbondale. After some contractors were reluctant to work on the site, the clinic said, it operated without a permanent sign. With the changing legal landscape, Alamo Women's Clinic looked to move out of Texas and Oklahoma and reopen in other spots including Carbondale. After some contractors were reluctant to work on the site, the clinic said, it operated without a permanent sign. CHRIS KENNING, USA TODAY
In the year since Roe fell, few places in America have experienced the courts radical redrawing of abortion access as intimately as some small, blue-state towns near red-state borders. States moved to restrict or ban abortions, and some clinics moved or opened anew in these border towns.
In places like Bristol, Virginia (straddling the Tennessee border), and [Moorhead, Minnesota](https://apnews.com/article/abortion-minnesota-north-dakota-fargo-3ca02dd6ab32139562c0a7857f79b068) (just a bridge away from Fargo, North Dakota), tight-knit communities suddenly found themselves newly split by a post-Roe front line in the battle over abortion: their state line.
And as more states in the Midwest and the South put restrictions in place, abortion providers set their sights on Carbondale.
The city would become the closest abortion destination for more than 1.2 million women from states as far as Louisiana, according to an analysis by Caitlin Myers, an economics professor at Middlebury College who studies abortion access.
Carbondale had long been a blue-dot college town amid deep-red farm country. It had a history of activism dating back to Vietnam. But it had never planned on being the center of anybodys abortion fight.
In some other year, the city council might have spent most of its time talking about potholes or police budgets.
Gary Williams, Carbondale city manager
> We never imagined we would be in the middle of this national, highly polarized policy issue.
“We never imagined we would be in the middle of this national, highly polarized policy issue,” city manager Gary Williams said. 
A year ago, the story of how Carbondale would grapple with its new place on the fault-lines of Americas post-Roe landscape was just beginning to unfold. 
Providers would have to move clinics and, in some cases, themselves. Could they serve the crush of women who had never heard of Carbondale but soon would?  
Could opponents turn clients, or clinics, away?
Would their opening bring disruptive protests? A glaring national media spotlight?  Would tensions become a permanent presence? Would it change the areas identity?
The stakes, for everyone, felt enormous.
“Everybodys about to zone in on Carbondale,” Chastity Mays, a resident and mother of three, recalled thinking a year ago as she watched people she knew from her kids gymnastics and judo classes expressing clashing positions in a contentious meeting before any of the clinics had arrived.
“And Im just thinking, Are people ready for this?'”
![Getting ready](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
The busy diner was loud with chatter as waiters wove around full tables carrying hot coffee and plates of eggs. 
Sitting at one of the tables was Jennifer Pepper, in her early 40s, with bangs, tattoos of a lightning bolt and a heart on her fingers and a shirt emblazoned with the logo of the clinic she leads Choices Center for Reproductive Health.
A waiter came up to pour coffee, glancing at her shirt and around the cafe.
![Jennifer Pepper of Choices Center for Reproductive Health began looking at Carbondale even before the Supreme Court overturned abortion rights. She brought her executive staff to visit the town. “I made everybody look me in the eye and said, We're going to do this,'” she recalled.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/29e1d0aa-7621-4fcb-867d-2c1907a38141-5D5A2422.jpg)
Jennifer Pepper of Choices Center for Reproductive Health began looking at Carbondale even before the Supreme Court overturned abortion rights. She brought her executive staff to visit the town. “I made everybody look me in the eye and said, We're going to do this,'” she recalled. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
“Are you working at the new place?” he asked, to which Pepper nodded and explained they were hoping to open later in the year.
“Well,” he said, “welcome.”
Pepper, the CEO of Choices in Memphis, Tennessee, had been eyeing Carbondale for a while.
Republican lawmakers in her state and others nearby such as Kentucky and Missouri had for years been passing more and more restrictions, regulations and measures to squeeze access.
In May 2021, when the U.S. Supreme Court decided to hear the case of a Mississippi ban on abortion after 15 weeks — and said it would rule on the constitutionality of all prohibitions on abortion before “viability,” when a fetus can survive outside the womb Pepper concluded the clock was ticking.
She figured she had little more than a year before the conservative-majority court struck down Roe in the case known as Dobbs v. Jackson Womens Health Organization. That, in turn, would lead Tennessee to enact its “trigger law,” designed to ban abortion as soon as any future Supreme Court ruling made it possible to do so.
While Choices would continue to provide a range of other womens health services in Memphis, Pepper had to find a new place to provide abortions. Her clinic had performed roughly 4,000 a year.
But where? 
Illinois, whose Democratic-controlled legislature enshrined abortion rights in 2019, was already a destination for clients forced to seek care elsewhere because of restrictions in conservative states.
Pepper looked at a map, seeing clinics across the river from St. Louis, set up to maintain access amid growing restrictions in Missouri, that were already getting a crush of out-of-state patients.
“How much farther south could I get?” she asked.
Pepper knew the area. She grew up in the Rust Belt Mississippi River town of Alton, Illinois. Her eyes quickly fell on Carbondale, founded as a railroad junction in the 1850s. The presence of Southern Illinois Universitys campus had long made it a Democratic-leaning outlier in the region a blue college town inside a red rural swath inside a blue state.
The town, dotted with churches, hadnt provided abortions for a generation. Still, it was home to a thriving LGBTQ community center, and voters there unlike in many counties in the area chose Joe Biden over Donald Trump in 2020.
In Texas, even before Roe was overturned, more than 40 towns prohibited abortion services inside city limits, an approach that [spread to other politically conservative towns](https://apnews.com/article/abortion-clinic-border-virginia-tennessee-bristol-7dfed02251e668fdded6ac97ae7fd281) in states such as Iowa, New Mexico and Ohio.
But she figured Carbondale would be a welcoming place with support from leaders and volunteers. And unlike other smaller options even closer to the Illinois border, it had a local police force to quickly respond to trouble and was already a regional medical hub.
Most important, though, was the location. Wedged between states likely to limit or ban abortion, it was in a spot where the Ohio and Mississippi rivers dipped the Illinois border toward the American south. Carbondale was closer to Tupelo, Mississippi, and Huntsville, Alabama, than it was to Chicago.
That could make it a key outpost for abortion rights in a part of the country where an “abortion desert” was about to spread. 
In November 2021, six months before word of the impending Supreme Court ruling first leaked out, Pepper visited Carbondale to meet with advocates, civic leaders and others.
Soon she pitched the location to supporters and donors some of whom were initially skeptical that five decades of the federal right to abortion would just disappear. “Don't you think this is Chicken Little, the sky is falling?’” they would ask her. “And I was like, no.” 
Many also hadnt heard of Carbondale. 
“How far is that?” they would ask, as Pepper heard the clack-clack-clack of keyboards typing in the name to look it up on a map.
Its only three hours from Memphis, shed reply. It was even on an Amtrak line that ran to New Orleans. 
In January, she brought her executive staff to town. “It was like the exit row of an airplane,” she said. “I made everybody look me in the eye and said, We're going to do this.’”
Pepper knew things were about to get so stressful and time-consuming that she and her husband “preemptively started couples therapy, just like, to be sure that this would not ruin our marriage,” she said. Pepper's mother worried that photos of her in online news stories about abortion rights could put her at risk. 
In the months that followed, Pepper clocked thousands of miles in her Honda Accord between Memphis and Carbondale, quietly identifying a former dermatologists office they would later buy. It sat on a busy commercial strip, across from a large grocery store, next to a burger restaurant and a half-mile from Carbondale Community High School.
In what often felt like blind dates, she met with supporters who might help with housing or volunteer as clinic escorts. Grassroots abortion funds could help women pay for travel and other expenses.
By early March, she was meeting with local government and law enforcement. 
Police officials peppered them with questions: How many protesters would there be? How many officers would it take? Would there be safety concerns for staff, patients and the community? FBI agents came and toured their site. 
Many asked: Why Carbondale? 
“We would take an iPad and show people the map: Youre this blue in the middle of all of this,” she said, showing the red states expected to enact post-Roe abortion bans and restrictions: Missouri. Arkansas. Kentucky. Tennessee. Mississippi. Louisiana. Texas.
And southern Illinois was farther south than practically the entire state of Kentucky.
This is why youre going to be important,’” she would say to people in Carbondale.  
And shed hear the response: “Oh, thats going to be a lot of people.” 
Carbondale City Council member Adam Loos, a lawyer whose father worked in coal before the industry dried up, had watched the region outside the city, like other parts of rural America, turn from union blue to Trump-country red.
Sitting in a Mexican restaurant, near the railroad tracks that shoot through on their way from New Orleans to Chicago, Loos noted that polls showed a majority of Americans favored some level of abortion access.
Inside the city limits, he said, most people would probably welcome the clinics.
Outside the city? That was another story.
Mississippis stretched health system deals with thousands more births after abortion ban
Mississippi's maternal care system is stretched to the brink. Can it handle thousands more babies? Catch the newest “States of America” on USA TODAY streaming channels later this month.
USA TODAY
![May 2022](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
The rumors had begun to spread over kitchen tables, across church pews and through campus offices. 
In May 2022, the news finally burst into the open.
An overflow crowd estimated at more than 150, most of them opponents who had learned of Choices plan to open in Carbondale, poured one night into the normally sleepy city council chambers.
It marked the second time that month that speakers lined up for a chance at the podium. Two weeks earlier, speakers included one local church leader who said he had more than 50 families who opposed the arrival of an abortion clinic. Another said he didn't want one of America's most contentious culture war battles in their city.
This time, before a far larger audience, another minister Phil Nelson, a pastor at Lakeland Baptist Church warned of a “judgment that will come to our city” along with abortion. One elected official from another county urged the council to pass a resolution opposing abortion, as his county had.
Some welcomed the clinics, citing the dangers of maternal mortality rates they said are particularly high among Black women. But critics promised to boycott the city, which they hinted was struggling with falling college enrollment and some closed downtown storefronts.
"A lot of us shop here. A lot of us have family here. Anything that happens here in Carbondale is going to affect the respective communities," a woman who said she worked as a nurse told the council. "Im going to boycott Carbondale if you guys bring an abortion clinic here."
Then-Mayor Mike Henry at one point waved a paper with a legal opinion, explaining that, under state law, there was nothing they could do to allow the clinic or stop it, in part because it was in an area zoned for medical use.
![A lawn sign in December 2022. In Carbondale, not everyone was ready to welcome the clinics or the city's new reputation.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/890b5892-31d7-468a-bcb7-8443bf966a88-9X0A0297.jpg)
A lawn sign in December 2022. In Carbondale, not everyone was ready to welcome the clinics or the city's new reputation. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
“Im not overly fond of it myself,” he said. “You folks can demonstrate and maybe they won't come here if they understand that the community is truly, truly against them.” 
Some clinic supporters believed most of the opponents were from out of town and had little right to demand that Carbondale block the clinics.
Loos, who supported the move, pushed back at one point telling opponents they represented a “radical” minority driven by religious views. “I guess we might call this Yall Qaida," he said.
After a night of tense exchanges, opponents shuffled out, vowing to do what they could to stop abortions. Supporters, meantime, discussed volunteering to help.
By then, a second clinic Alamo Womens Clinic was already focusing on Carbondale. In Texas, Dr. Alan Braid, a longtime abortion rights advocate, would also seek to move clinics in San Antonio and Tulsa, Oklahoma, to New Mexico and Illinois.
Some Carbondale-area abortion opponents, while happy that the leaked Supreme Court opinion appeared to signal a pending win in a 50-year fight to overturn Roe, were dismayed that the battle had wound up right on their doorstep. 
“It just made things absolutely worse for where I live,” the Rev. Mark Surburg, a pastor in a nearby town, said later, lamenting that the city would become known as the “death capital of the Midwest.”
Rumors were that more clinics would come. 
![JUNE 2022](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
Pepper was visiting her mother in her hometown of Alton, working at the city's only coffee shop, when her phone started pinging and buzzing. 
It was June 24. The Supreme Court ruling finally hit. 
She expected it. But it was still staggering.
"I gathered my stuff up very hurriedly, jumped in the car and drove to Memphis," she said, spending the drive juggling calls from staff and attorneys about what was next.
By the time she arrived at the clinic, more than 5,000 calls had poured in, crashing the phone system all women scrambling for appointments or asking where they could go.
OK, she thought, here we go. This is finally it. Her efforts to open a new location had been months in the making. But plenty of challenges remained.
For one thing, Pepper wondered if shed struggle to hire staff in a small town one where a secret about where you work would be hard to keep. 
![Jennifer Pepper worried she would struggle to hire staff for the Choices clinic, in a small town where a job would be a hard secret to keep. Instead, she found that some people wanted to be part of a historic moment.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/d6cb7eaa-3c30-424a-b73e-3b8f88987bf3-abortion_story_carbondale_035.JPG)
Jennifer Pepper worried she would struggle to hire staff for the Choices clinic, in a small town where a job would be a hard secret to keep. Instead, she found that some people wanted to be part of a historic moment. Nicole Hester, The Tennessean/ USA TODAY Network
But the prospect of thousands of women who'd soon be unable to get abortions in their home states helped draw staff to the clinics from near and far in the months after the ruling.
There was the 36-year-old transplant to Carbondale named Unique, who like others didnt want to use her last name to protect her safety. After moving from Boston for her husbands medical position, she signed on as Choices operations manager.
“This is a historic moment,” she said. “I want to be a part of it.”
There was the nurse practitioner with a streak of colored hair who moved from Chicago. The medical assistant with a child who had grown up in an even smaller southern Illinois town. The local resident drawn by the chance to make a difference.
“Initially we all had these worries: How will it be? How are the protesters going to react to us?” Unique said. 
Uniques husband was initially uneasy. The clinics were the talk of the town. “It was a big thing,” she said. The fact that Choices also planned to offer transgender care, along with a wide range of women's health care, only added to the potential for controversy. 
One Choices employee said she kept it quiet, afraid that her relatives business would suffer if people learned where she worked. Another wondered how her church would react. Doctors would have to come in from outside the area.
Across town at Alamo, which [announced](https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/07/13/abortion-roe-texas-illinois-new-mexico-alan-braid/) its new location in July, Braids daughter, Andrea Gallegos, the administrator of the clinics in Tulsa and San Antonio, had decided to move her family 14 hours north to Carbondale.
“Were essentially in the same position that patients are having to make the choice to travel,” she said, wondering if shed run into protesters in town after work, something she didnt experience in a city of more than a million.
“Will I see them on the corner at the clinic and then also later at the school picking up my children?” she said. “Will I see them at the grocery store?”
![Andrea Gallegos, administrator of the Alamo clinic, decided to move to 14 hours away to open the clinic in Carbondale in hopes of serving women traveling for abortions. “We're essentially in the same position that patients are," she said.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/2afdb297-bcce-495f-ba63-a48d2c4fa1bb-5D5A2874.jpg)
Andrea Gallegos, administrator of the Alamo clinic, decided to move to 14 hours away to open the clinic in Carbondale in hopes of serving women traveling for abortions. “We're essentially in the same position that patients are," she said. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
At Choices, staff were trained on “clinic invasions,” active shooters and how to scrub certain personal information from the internet to avoid targeting or harassment.
Opponents pressured several contractors to boycott them. “Found out what you all do. Take me out, Im not working for you guys,” Gallegos said one contractor told them. Later, they could not get a sign erected for the same reason.
Still, the clinics began to take shape. They hauled in equipment.  Exam tables and copiers arrived. As opening days approached, misgivings began to fade.
Most employees said they were warmly supported around town in their work gear. People thanked them at gas stations and dropped off supportive letters.
“Ill go to the post office or the grocery store and people will see me in my uniform. And theyll stop me and be like, Thank you for your work. People stop by to offer to volunteer,” Unique said. “I honestly didnt expect to have that much support. But we do. And its a really good feeling.”
![August](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
By August, a group of pastors from Carbondale and surrounding southern Illinois counties had begun to meet along with opposition groups from the St. Louis area.
News of the clinics plans to open in Carbondale had landed like “a punch in the gut,” said Surburg, head of the Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in the residential neighborhood of Marion, 17 miles east of Carbondale.
Now there was a challenge ahead.
For decades, there had been little for anti-abortion opponents to organize against in the area. Active opponents thought of praying or working as so-called sidewalk counselors outside of abortion clinics as a “St. Louis thing,” the biggest city several hours away. 
![Before the Dobbs ruling, there were no abortion clinics to protest in Carbondale. But once the clinics arrived, a group of pastors and others vowed to build up an opposition movement.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/9831fb42-c9cb-484a-ad17-aa34b1e8901f-9X0A9983.jpg)
Before the Dobbs ruling, there were no abortion clinics to protest in Carbondale. But once the clinics arrived, a group of pastors and others vowed to build up an opposition movement. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
Carbondale did have a small pregnancy center, which offered aid to mothers and sought to offer alternatives to abortions. But many churches werent connected or organized around abortion, Surburg said.
He and others wanted a regular, peaceful presence outside the clinics. A big city might easily field a regular crowd of demonstrators. But a town of fewer than 22,000 and a liberal-leaning one at that? 
“Were going to have to build it up by scratch,” Surburg said.
Brian Westbrook, director of the St. Louis-based nonprofit Coalition Life
> The abortion industry is pouring millions of dollars now into Carbondale. And so the pro-life movement wants to do the same.
In other cities where clinics had crossed state lines, opponents had employed new tactics, including city-specific campaigns of door-knocking and, in more conservative towns, newly constitutional zoning restrictions to keep clinics away. In Carbondale, such suggestions went nowhere.
Helping organize a response was Brian Westbrook, director of the St. Louis-based nonprofit Coalition Life.
Westbrook discussed erecting billboards and signs on highways leading to Carbondale and funding an expansion of the local anti-abortion pregnancy center. It had expanded hours and ultrasounds, director Cassie Walden said during an August webcast called “Carbondale Crisis.” There was talk of a mobile ultrasound unit parked near the clinics to get women to rethink abortions. 
“The abortion industry is pouring millions of dollars now into Carbondale. And so the pro-life movement wants to do the same,” Westbrook said.
![After the fight to overturn Roe v. Wade, Rev. Mark Surburg, a pastor in a town near Carbondale, was dismayed to find the battle had wound up on his doorstep. “It just made things absolutely worse for where I live,” he said.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/8a117f07-5ebf-4411-b004-ff7cf9f9ad0e-abortion_story_carbondale_048.JPG)
After the fight to overturn Roe v. Wade, Rev. Mark Surburg, a pastor in a town near Carbondale, was dismayed to find the battle had wound up on his doorstep. “It just made things absolutely worse for where I live,” he said. NICOLE HESTER, THE TENNESSEAN/USA TODAY NETWORK
Pastors from Kentucky and Tennessee volunteered to make trips to Carbondale and opponents formed the Southern Illinois Pro-Life Alliance, a group of dozens of churches, to coordinate what they said would be a peaceful presence outside the new clinics.
Surburg said some wanted to fund supported living facilities for mothers who didnt believe they could afford a child.
At that point, just a few months after the Supreme Court ruling, the landscape of abortion remained unsettled as the battle moved to state legislatures, courts and ballot boxes.
Tennessees “trigger” law went into [effect](https://www.tennessean.com/story/news/2022/07/26/tennessee-abortion-trigger-law-ban-2022-expected-august/10061093002/) that month, making it a felony to provide abortions, with rare exceptions. At the same time, Kansas voters rejected a [state constitutional amendment](https://www.npr.org/sections/2022-live-primary-election-race-results/2022/08/02/1115317596/kansas-voters-abortion-legal-reject-constitutional-amendment) that would have stripped away abortion protections, reflecting [national polls showing](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/06/13/about-six-in-ten-americans-say-abortion-should-be-legal-in-all-or-most-cases-2/) about 61% believe abortion should be legal in most instances.
But during an appearance on the “Carbondale Crisis” webcast, Republican state Sen. Terri Bryant, who represents a portion of southern Illinois, predicted Illinois would only pursue more permissive abortion laws.
“Everyone in the country is going to want to come here,” she said. 
![Nov. 3](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
On a sunny fall morning, Gallegos got out of her car and walked up to the Alamo Womens Clinic, a one-story building set among small medical offices on the corner of a divided state highway.
Trailing her that morning were a cable news camera crew, a wire-service photographer and another reporter. Carbondale was coming to symbolize the shifting map of U.S. abortion access, and the media glare was intensifying.
She kept thinking: Was she forgetting something? 
Shed slept little the night before, holed up in one of the few hotels downtown, chasing down final details. Pushing through the glass door, she sipped a large coffee, both exhausted and excited.
It was far smaller than their San Antonio office, which had surgery suites. There was no sign yet outside announcing the clinic. But it had been a long road to get here. 
In 2021, [Texas](https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2021/09/01/texas-abortion-law-faq/?itid=lk_inline_manual_11) banned abortion beyond roughly the sixth week of pregnancy, shutting down many of the abortions Alamo performed. They had directed women to their clinic in Oklahoma, a nine-hour drive, before that state, too, passed a ban. A month later, in June, “it was over,” she said.
Finally, she was once again able to serve women seeking care.
“Its been a long time coming,” she said, walking amid quiet, white-walled hallways decorated with encouraging words such as “know your worth,” and checking on exam rooms and supply closets.
![A patient room at Choices Center for Reproductive Health, in December.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/4549edff-a2aa-4c00-af92-4479d087c733-abortion_story_carbondale_001.JPG)
A patient room at Choices Center for Reproductive Health, in December. Nicole Hester, The Tennessean/ USA TODAY Network
A physician, who had driven in from another state, entered and said hello.  A calendar on the wall showed the date: Nov. 3, opening day.
By then, more than a dozen states had enacted near-total abortion bans. Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas places where women might now look toward Carbondale. And that meant people seeking an abortion had to bridge longer and costlier distances. A [study published in JAMA](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2798215?utm_campaign=articlePDF&utm_medium=articlePDFlink&utm_source=articlePDF&utm_content=jama.2022.20424) found that travel time for women in Texas to the nearest abortion facility increased by nearly eight hours.
Waiting lists swelled as providers looked to open clinics and give financial aid to help women cross state borders. Planned Parenthoods abortion clinic in Fairview Heights, across from St. Louis, saw a 370% increase in patients since the court ruling. 
Soon the first woman, in her early 20s, checked in at the window. Her boyfriend sat in the waiting room. It would be $600 to see a provider and get [mifepristone](https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/08/briefing/abortion-pills.html), the first pill in the two-drug medication abortion regimen that had grown to account for more than half of U.S. pregnancy terminations.
![Medication for abortions, at the Choices clinic in Carbondale. More than half of American abortions now use this method.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/bc70f1c4-4e1a-4161-8e28-4571530a64d1-abortion_story_carbondale_023.JPG)
Medication for abortions, at the Choices clinic in Carbondale. More than half of American abortions now use this method. Nicole Hester, The Tennessean/ USA TODAY Network
“Our credit card machine decided not to work,” Gallegos said of a glitch that would require clients to retrieve cash from an ATM.
On hand was Braid, still fighting for access after 45 years. At the time, he was still facing [a lawsuit for performing an abortion](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2022/12/09/texas-abortion-ban-judge-alan-braid-sb-8/10865066002/) on a patient who had passed Texas six-week legal limit, a move hoping to draw a legal challenge.
Sitting in a clinic office, Braid said the lack of protesters that day was fine with him. He was sure theyd arrive but hoped they would not be as intense as theyd been in Oklahoma. 
“In Tulsa, the antis bought an empty lot across the street from the clinic. They put up a cross, a little shelter, a little prayer area. They were out there, 20 people at a time, screaming at patients,” he said. “It was pretty awful.”
Before long, the patient walked back to an exam room. She told staff she had returned from a trip and realized she believed she was pregnant. 
After some tests, the doctor whod arrived from another state pulled up a chair on rolling wheels to the exam table. 
“I dont see a pregnancy yet. Youre very early,” he said. She left without getting an abortion. More tests were needed.
Walking out, the woman said that was grateful to find access near where she was living. 
“Im glad its here,” she said.
Already that day, Alamo was setting appointments for people coming from as far away as Texas and Florida.
But first, those women would have to find ways to bridge the distance.
![December](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
More than a month later, Alison Dreith hunched over her laptop.
Outside her remote Illinois farmhouse, a distant drive from Carbondale she's careful not to say exactly where goats grazed on a cold December day. Inside, she scrolled through messages from women across the South: Jasmine from Texas. Kyler from Arkansas. Lesha from Georgia.
They were facing unwanted pregnancies but needed financial help to reach clinics like Carbondale. Gas money. Airfare. Hotels.
Some tried to explain. They didnt have someone to care for their other children. They lacked a car or a ride for drives to Carbondale that could take up to 10 hours. They needed help with hotels to stay overnight.
![Alison Dreith went to college in Carbondale. Now, from elsewhere in Illinois, she helps run the Midwest Access Coalition, which offers support for women trying to reach clinics in Carbondale, and elsewhere, for an abortion.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/c6367fbd-3151-4382-ab03-deb4e4323ad1-5D5A2995.jpg)
Alison Dreith went to college in Carbondale. Now, from elsewhere in Illinois, she helps run the Midwest Access Coalition, which offers support for women trying to reach clinics in Carbondale, and elsewhere, for an abortion. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
“Im looking to receive help with transportation for my upcoming appointment,” one woman messaged.
Dreith, who went to college in Carbondale, helps run the Midwest Access Coalition, a donations-and-grants-funded nonprofit that started in 2015 as state restrictions were already fracturing the abortion landscape. 
Now, months after Dobbs, they and other abortion funds were playing an increasingly critical role for women having to travel hundreds of miles to reach clinics. A Planned Parenthood center in Fairview Heights, Illinois, just across the river from St. Louis, had provided travel and lodging to thousands of patients since Dobbs.
Toward the end of 2022, the Midwest Access Coalition helped more than 1,600 women. That was double the number from the previous year and nearly four times the 380 clients they aided in 2019.
Dreith, a former leader of NARAL Pro-Choice Missouri, said on any given day, she has to vault unexpected hurdles on behalf of the women who call: A missed flight. An inability to get off work. A domestic violence victim whose abuser took her identification and phone. 
On this day, she was helping a 24-year-old woman in Arkansas who had an appointment at the Alamo clinic in Carbondale.  It was 680 miles round trip. $150 gas, $40 food. A room at the Best Western in Carbondale. 
“I have sent $190 in cash to the clinic for you to pick up at your appointment for gas and food support,” Dreith messaged. “Ill call and check in on you next week, but Im here if you need me or if something changes.”
The woman thanked her. “Happy to help,” Dreith replied, with a hands-heart emoji. 
But the demand never stopped.
The group already had to temporarily stop supporting partners to travel with patients. It would eventually have to shut down the hotline during the latter days of some weeks because of the overwhelming demand, waiting until the following week to help those seeking it. 
That means some were managing their own abortions or winding up carrying an unwanted, or even dangerous, pregnancy to term.
“It just reminds you that lives are on the line,” she said.  
![Christmas](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
Just a few days before Christmas, a blizzard was forecast to sweep across southern Illinois fields and forests.
Outside huddled several protesters, including a local resident who had a sign, a folding chair and a cooler with snacks and two women at their checkpoint sign. One driver raised a middle finger at the protesters as he sped by. 
Inside Choices, “Let It Snow” played on speakers as staffers clicked keyboards at a long desk. At one end were paper bags filled with pregnancy-ending medication.
![at CHOICES Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, IL., Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2022.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/10be69b1-9ca9-4dbf-83a1-fd39e974a8f0-abortion_story_carbondale_004.JPG)
![at CHOICES Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, IL., Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2022.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/20ae976a-db72-413e-8f75-a0ba9b01b2c2-abortion_story_carbondale_030.JPG)
In December, as patients from across the country flowed in and out of Carbondale, employees at Choices Center for Reproductive Health kept up with their system. A whiteboard on one wall tracked each staffer's visit to each waiting patient. In December, as patients from across the country flowed in and out of Carbondale, employees at Choices Center for Reproductive Health kept up with their system. A whiteboard on one wall tracked each staffer's visit to each waiting patient. In December, as patients from across the country flowed in and out of Carbondale, employees at Choices Center for Reproductive Health kept up with their system. A whiteboard on one wall tracked each staffer's visit to each waiting patient. NICOLE HESTER, THE TENNESSEAN/USA TODAY NETWORK
Between July and December of 2022, more than 65,000 people were unable to receive a legal abortion in their home state, according to a [FiveThirtyEight analysis](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/post-dobbs-abortion-access-66000/) of Society of Family Planning data, because of banned or restricted access. 
Another [analysis](https://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/abortion-driving-distance/) showed women who lived in a swath stretching from southern Illinois to the Gulf of Mexico faced some of the longest drives for care in the nation.
Illinois is one of the few places where abortion is legal for up to 24 to 26 weeks of pregnancy. Choices performs abortions up to 12 weeks.
In the Carbondale clinics exam rooms, women flowed in and out.
In one room was a matter-of-fact, 30-something flight attendant in black boots, who said she was upset she'd had to travel so far, take off work and face protesters who tried to stop her. They had no idea of her reasons, she said. What if shed been raped? 
In another room was a 21-year-old factory worker from Kentucky, a single parent not ready for a second child. She didnt know much about the abortion debate. Only that shed looked up where to go and found Carbondale. Her boyfriend waited outside in the car. 
In yet another was a young woman in a hoodie and sweatpants. She was nervous and kept an earphone in one ear. She said she wanted to be ready to care for a child. 
“Im barely able to take care of myself,” she said.
![at CHOICES Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, IL., Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2022.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/1448850f-9e4e-4749-b1ce-5db2c2a313c8-abortion_story_carbondale_043.JPG)
![at CHOICES Center for Reproductive Health in Carbondale, IL., Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2022.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/b8414834-e48e-42f1-9389-3b90f9b798a1-abortion_story_carbondale_044.JPG)
At Choices, the walls are dotted with encouraging artwork. Patient handouts give guidance on what to expect after taking abortion medication. At Choices, the walls are dotted with encouraging artwork. Patient handouts give guidance on what to expect after taking abortion medication. At Choices, the walls are dotted with encouraging artwork. Patient handouts give guidance on what to expect after taking abortion medication. NICOLE HESTER, THE TENNESSEAN/USA TODAY NETWORK
Some women arrived with firm determination, staff said. Some wavered and left. Others let loose a floodgate of tears when they finally reached a sympathetic staffer after a long journey. Staff neither encouraged nor discouraged them it was their own choice.
In one room, the young woman with a green wristband was upset that protesters had gotten her to stop at a sign that read “Check In.” There, two people she thought were clinic workers with safety vests and clipboards had tried to get her to visit the local pregnancy center for an ultrasound and to persuade her against abortion.  
Her decision was anything but blithe, she said.
![Outside the Choices clinic, people with orange vests and a check-in sign hope to stop arriving women and steer them toward a pregnancy center that encourages alternatives to abortion.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/3c224617-a5d9-40ea-bfc2-5d767a374928-abortion_story_carbondale_050.JPG)
Outside the Choices clinic, people with orange vests and a check-in sign hope to stop arriving women and steer them toward a pregnancy center that encourages alternatives to abortion. Nicole Hester, The Tennessean/ USA TODAY Network
The clinic staff asked her about her period, took her vital signs and medical history. They went over what to expect with the two-drug regimen. 
There would be cramping. Bleeding is normal. Watch for blood clots bigger than a lemon, they said. Call if she had concerns. And they stressed that once the pill is taken, there is no turning back.
“So of course you just have to be sure of your decision before you take that pill,” one staffer said. 
She was handed the first pill and a small bottle of water.
Not long after, she walked out, past the security guard. She looked exhausted. Back home, her kids were waiting. And there was a long drive ahead. 
![JANUARY](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
It was already dark on an early January night in downtown Carbondale as more than a dozen abortion opponents held hands in a prayer circle inside city hall hoping to persuade the city not to approve a 100-foot “bubble zone” to keep demonstrators away from those entering clinics or any health care facilities.
After taking Communion, they sang hymns and prayed. “Our God, wont you stop them?” one woman asked. Another person, his head bowed, said, “Its not your will that children be sacrificed.”
![By January, Carbondale was preparing to pass a law to keep protesters farther away from the abortion clinics. A group of activists gathered inside city hall to try to stop the new rule.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/4cf3dbef-cef2-4f7c-9e0e-fd33fb28fb54-5D5A3023.jpg)
By January, Carbondale was preparing to pass a law to keep protesters farther away from the abortion clinics. A group of activists gathered inside city hall to try to stop the new rule. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
Watching and shaking her head was a woman who owned a business in Carbondale. She declined to provide her name. But she said the debate had created lingering local tensions.
“Its a very dark road weve come down,” she said. 
About 70 opponents, and six supporters, waited through more than an hour of mundane council business: a liquor license dispute, complaints about potholes and whether Carbondale should have new years fireworks.
A series of anti-abortion speakers said the "bubble zone" proposal violated their constitutional rights and they threatened legal action. They said the decision was part of a larger question of the citys identity. Supporters countered that women and clinic workers shouldnt be bullied.
But some of the more fiery speeches from the previous May, when some opponents had hoped to block the clinics quickly, seemed absent. 
And the city council members didnt budge. One said he didnt appreciate being threatened with lawsuits. Loos launched into a dressing-down over the tactics including demonstrators use of ladders they climbed to peer over Choices fence. 
“Its creepy. Its weird,” he said. “Stop it.”  
The council passed the ordinance. 
![An anti-abortion speaker addresses the Carbondale City Council, January 2023.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/de9672ab-12f1-4035-a48f-6c9894e410aa-9X0A0322.jpg)
![The Carbondale City Council debates a buffer zone for abortion clinic protests in January 2023.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/1250ff35-02d4-4713-add8-97e36274273d-5D5A3070.jpg)
Anti-abortion speakers said the city council's plan for a protest buffer zone violated their constitutional rights. The ordinance passed. Anti-abortion speakers said the city council's plan for a protest buffer zone violated their constitutional rights. The ordinance passed. Anti-abortion speakers said the city council's plan for a protest buffer zone violated their constitutional rights. The ordinance passed. CHRIS KENNING, USA TODAY
Curt Caldwell, a former teacher, had been going out with his wife, Connie, to pray outside the clinics. He said they were disappointed more residents werent actively involved.
After the fervor of the initial meetings, they said, some of the enthusiasm seemed to have dissipated. “It just was like, 'Hey, where are they? Where did they go?'” Connie Caldwell said.
“When its our town, and then something invasive comes in that you know in your heart is wrong, then its hard,” she said.
After the buffer zone passed, clinic staff said they saw a drop in demonstrators. By late March, sometimes there were just a few protesters, if any. Anti-abortion activist Scott Davis, standing with several others one day outside of Alamo's long drive, acknowledged turnout had dipped but said at least a small number of women had been persuaded to go to the pregnancy center. 
Carbondale resident Stanley Tucker wrote to the local paper, saying hed sat in his chair holding a sign reading "Choose Life" or "Protect the Unborn,” and complained about residents passing by and shouting obscenities at protesters.
A local man who opposed the clinics was running for mayor. But opponents knew that what they really needed, to flip the states Democratic legislative supermajority, was a tall order.
“Long term, it ultimately ends up being a political thing, because the state legislature is the one that decides these laws,” said Surburg, the pastor. 
While that seemed out of reach, he said, so too did overturning Roe v. Wade before it happened.
![April](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/indepth-static-assets/uploads/master/70180040007/90617b6c-b520-4b98-8e80-b491e53d19f3-orange-line.png)
On a warm day in late April, Cindy Courtney looked over the shelves of diapers, books, baby clothes inside Carbondales Cradle of Hope.
The Catholic-supported charity, whose stated goals include “to encourage life and prevent abortions from taking place,” had recently opened near a building under renovation that was widely rumored to become the citys third clinic.
City officials confirmed a new clinic was set to open this year but wouldnt say where, and some clinic operators stayed publicly mum about their plans.
“Its right behind us,” said Courtney, the centers volunteer director. “My first thought is to stand there and pray, or throw some holy water on it.”
![-](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/17/USAT/5fc60770-9085-40aa-8c56-fba52eab21b6-IMG_8963_2.jpg)
![-](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/17/USAT/9a60f20d-774b-4db7-b9ec-95e5f9611a61-IMG_8959_2.jpg)
At Cradle of Hope, a Catholic-supported charity, Cindy Courtney stocks baby supplies for needy mothers that it hopes to persuade not to have abortions. She laments how the town became synonymous with the abortion fight. “It just happened so fast,” she said. At Cradle of Hope, a Catholic-supported charity, Cindy Courtney stocks baby supplies for needy mothers that it hopes to persuade not to have abortions. She laments how the town became synonymous with the abortion fight. “It just happened so fast,” she said. At Cradle of Hope, a Catholic-supported charity, Cindy Courtney stocks baby supplies for needy mothers that it hopes to persuade not to have abortions. She laments how the town became synonymous with the abortion fight. “It just happened so fast,” she said. CHRIS KENNING, USA TODAY
In the year since locals first heard clinics were moving into town, Courtney lamented that Carbondale had become so widely associated with abortion. Southern Illinois had even been referenced as an abortion haven in an episode of the ABC show “Greys Anatomy.”
“It just happened so fast,” she said. “It wasnt here. Then all of a sudden, here in a little bit, were going to have three abortion clinics.”
By May, after ramping up over months, Alamo and Choices together were scheduling about 20-30 women each day, with 95% from out of state making Carbondale the emerging haven of access that clinic operators had envisioned more than a year earlier.
Illinois as a whole also saw more and more distant patients amid bans both nearby and in the South. Planned Parenthood of Illinois, which operates in various locations, saw numbers of out-of-state patients rise to 30% from 6%.
“The fact that so many people are traveling daily is pretty incredible and ridiculous, all at the same time,” Gallegos said after climbing into her car after a day at the Alamo clinic. She said she was still working to move her family to a city she said had become an “island of access.”
Elsewhere in Illinois, a new abortion battle was brewing in a small town along the eastern border with Indiana, whose total abortion ban was still being hammered out in court. And months earlier, in Peoria, a man was charged with setting fire to a Planned Parenthood clinic, causing $1 million in damage just days after Illinois passed [legislation aimed at protecting abortion patients and providers](https://apnews.com/article/abortion-us-supreme-court-health-care-costs-illinois-bbc4df0d3bec21ad84febd9ee0f0937d).
Gary Williams, Carbondale city manager
> Were a little blue dot and this huge sea of red in Southern Illinois. And youve got this dynamic of local residents that have been really quiet about it. It hasnt riled them up, it hasnt caused a lot of stress. And then youve got a lot of dissension and activism and protests from folks who dont live here.
But even as the Carbondale clinics gained notoriety outside the city, the visible signs of tension that some feared would be a permanent fixture in Carbondale for the time being, at least  had appeared to ebb.
Clinic protests hadnt proven as large or disruptive as Williams, the city manager, feared a year earlier after the tumultuous council meetings in Carbondale.
Nor had the clinics faced any major threats of violence. Carbondale police responded to once-weekly calls to remind protesters of property lines, officials said.
A Carbondale anti-abortion mayoral candidate who emerged was defeated in a spring election by Carolin Harvey, who served as mayor-pro-tem after the former mayor stepped down. Other city council members who supported the clinics were reelected.
“Its been really interesting to see how this whole thing has played out,” said Williams, who viewed Carbondales experience with abortion as reflecting the nations larger political divides.
“Were a little blue dot and this huge sea of red in southern Illinois. And you've got this dynamic of local residents that have been really quiet about it. It hasnt riled them up, it hasnt caused a lot of stress. And then youve got a lot of dissension and activism and protests from folks who dont live here,” he said.
How area residents viewed the impact of the clinics presence whether it was the talk of the town or a non-issue, a crisis or something that elicited shrugs tended to be colored by like-minded social circles that rarely intersected.
“I dont hear any opposition. But thats because everybody Im around is in support of the clinics,” said Mays, who explained that she learned that, in Carbondale, “there turned out to be much more pro-life people than I thought there was.”
The Chamber of Commerce hadnt quantified any economic impact, but some people in town said it likely gave at least some boost to restaurants, gas stations and hotels, at least one of which offered a discount to clinic clients. Nor had any obvious boycotts appeared to materialize.
Still, clinic leaders said protests tended to ebb and flow. And local anti-abortion groups said they would not stop their efforts. By mid-May, Coalition for Life and the conservative Thomas More Society would file a federal lawsuit seeking to overturn the citys 100-foot buffer zone.
At a news conference in front of city hall, Peter Breen, a Thomas More Society attorney, said the suit represented a renewed push in Carbondale and was part of a broader struggle in a state surrounded by those with stricter abortion rules.
Breen said he was reminded of the complaints he heard from southern Illinois lawmakers when he served in the state legislature.
“What is with you guys in Chicago imposing your values on us here in Carbondale and in southern Illinois?” he said. “Why should these folks here in southern Illinois be turned into an abortion hub for a good third of the country? Its not right.”
![Abortion pills, held by an advocate in Illinois.](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2023/05/03/USAT/f364f4d4-5908-40cd-b8e7-61eba27a969b-5D5A2938.jpg)
Abortion pills, held by an advocate in Illinois. Chris Kenning, USA TODAY
Across town at Choices, a group of staffers huddled by the front desk one morning near a still-empty waiting room, clicking on computers, preparing exam rooms and making small talk. Their work on the front lines of the abortion fight had grown routine. They got plenty of support people still regularly stopped by the clinic to make donations or bring cookies or flowers despite an occasional dirty look. 
“I think Carbondale has been a very different experience from other new clinics opening in smaller communities or along borders,” Pepper said.
By the end of March, in the first five and a half months they were open, Choices had performed just over 1,400 abortions, reaching an average of about 400 a month, the largest numbers of women coming from Tennessee, Mississippi and Arkansas.
Though rising each month, its just 75% of the surge that Pepper predicted likely a function of the newness of the location, greater use of abortion pills via telemedicine, unpredicted preservation of abortion access in some states and the struggle to reach distant clinics, she said. 
Jennifer Pepper, president and CEO of Choices Center for Reproductive Health
> I think travel is an even bigger barrier for people than we had anticipated. Probably lots of people are choosing to continue their pregnancy because a place like Carbondale just seems like too high a hurdle to jump, especially for people living in poverty in southern Mississippi or southern Louisiana. Thats a long way.
“I think travel is an even bigger barrier for people than we had anticipated,” she said. “Probably lots of people are choosing to continue their pregnancy because a place like Carbondale just seems like too high a hurdle to jump, especially for people living in poverty in southern Mississippi or southern Louisiana. Thats a long way.”
For Pepper personally, its been a long 18 months since first setting her sights on Carbondale one full of fundraising, long commutes, media attention, hiring local staff, navigating city leaders and protesters and serving as a public advocate.
“It was incredibly stressful. I probably spent more nights in hotels and Airbnbs than I did at home,” she said. “And quite frankly, what makes me even more tired is that I don't see it slowing down for us, for our patients, for our communities, anytime soon. Especially with all the additional attacks on medication, abortion and gender-affirming care. It feels like drinking out of a firehose.”
To Pepper, the meager showing of daily protesters outside the clinic's windows was a reminder of public attitudes often lost amid heated fights over abortion. 
“Most people in this country, and even in very red areas, support access to abortion,” she said, citing polls that show 61% say it should be legal in all or most cases, something that helped fuel a midterm election backlash to the high court ruling. 
Yet as the one-year mark approached, legislatures in Florida and North Carolina continued pushing [moves to further limit abortions](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2023/05/16/north-carolina-12-week-abortion-override-governors-veto/70226030007/), and courts weighed the use of the pill mifepristone. The battles over abortion rights continued.
So too did the demand for abortion and the work of those determined to provide it.
At Choices, it could be seen in the flickering appointment screens.
The cars with out-of-state plates in the parking lot.
And the exam-room whiteboard that is checked, erased and checked again.
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# In the American West, a Clown Motel and a Cemetery Tell a Story of Kitsch and Carnage
In the desert of central Nevada, somewhere between a shuttered brothel and a nuclear test site, lies the tiny town of Tonopah. The settlements main strip is a mix of dusty casinos, mining museums and old-timey shops. Faded missing-persons posters peer from store windows. A sign warns against entering the abandoned mineshafts. A smattering of tourists stroll the otherwise barren streets.
Many of the visitors who do venture here stay at one of the few lodgings in town: the World Famous Clown Motel. Its hard to miss. A pair of 20-foot-tall wooden clowns surveil the parking lot. A pink and powder-blue post topped with a brightly lit juggling clown beckons motorists in (or warns them off). Known as “the scariest motel in America,” its said to be haunted. It may well be.
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4285-web-1024x778.jpg)
The Clown Motel office, January 2023. (Andrew Chamings)
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4231-web-1024x768.jpg)
A large wooden clown adorns the front of the motel, January 2023. (Andrew Chamings)
I came here in January, wanting to learn more about why America — my adopted home for 16 years — so strangely and uniquely fetishizes its brutal past. Nowhere is this more true than in the American West, and nowhere have I seen it better epitomized than in Tonopah.
In the shadow of the clowns, just across the motels parking lot, lies a cemetery that holds the story of a truly ghoulish history. A little over a century ago, Tonopah was a bustling silver mining town of about 3,000 residents. Then a mysterious illness decimated the population. It was one of the most nightmarish events in Nevadas history — known as the Death Harvest. In the spring of 1905, a local newspaper began reporting that about a dozen seemingly healthy men in their 20s were dying every day of an unknown affliction that killed four out of every five men it infected. Early details coming out of the town were sparse and horrific. A victims neck would swell, then his skin would turn black. Most died within a day of getting sick. One man who escaped the horror to Reno told reporters that he saw 12 bodies on slabs on his way out, “blackened by the terrible disease that is mowing down the people.”
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4234-web-954x1024.jpg)
Old Tonopah Cemetery, located across from the motels parking lot, January 2023. (Andrew Chamings)
No one knew how the contagion started. Some blamed the towns unusual topography, noting that a noxious gas from the mines may have settled in the hollow between the small mountains on the edge of the desert. One report pointed to the foul-tasting whiskey being served in one of Tonopahs bars. Another concluded the infection came from eating cannibalistic hogs. Most people believed the disease was contagious yet, somehow, women and children were spared. Even stranger, neighboring areas were unaffected. There was little to be done but escape.
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4266-web-1024x768.jpg)
Old Tonopah Cemetery at dusk, January 2023. (Andrew Chamings)
The shroud of death has since left Tonopah and has been replaced with something else: ghost hunters, social media stars, trinkets and guided tours through the grimmest moments of the towns history. Under the kitschy gaze of a thousand clowns, I joined this crowd, trying to understand how tragedy in America so often turns to tourism.
I grew up in a green, hilly part of Englands West Country, a few miles from the Atlantic Coast. There are no straight roads there. The longest section of uncurved tarmac was a single-lane, mile-long stretch that my dad would always say was “built by the Romans.” Every other journey around the cow-dotted hills of North Devon involved stomach-turning hairpins between the hedgerows, following winding tracks laid down by livestock thousands of years earlier.
There may be no landscape more distant and more different from my childhood home than the road to Tonopah. I begin my journey about a week after a winter storm has frozen the desert. The temperature is still cold as I make my way down U.S. Route 95. Snow dusts the foothills between the sand and the Sierra Nevada, a place so desolate it inspires both loneliness and awe.
Under the wide sky, scattered, forgotten towns litter the landscape. I pass empty roadside diners, rusted out trucks and thousands of miles of dead road. I stop periodically to photograph abandoned mine shafts and shuttered burger huts as the cold and grit whip off the desert. The only humans I see for a hundred miles are truck drivers shuttling goods between Reno and Las Vegas.
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4198-web-1024x768.jpg)
A shuttered brothel near the Clown Motel on U.S. Route 95, Tonopah, Nevada, January 2023. (Andrew Chamings)
As the sun begins to set, I eventually reach Tonopah. I see a garish sign piercing through the gloaming: Clown Motel. World Famous. Vacancy.
“I added the world famous part,” Hame Anand tells me proudly, as we stand among the 2,000 clowns in the motel lobby. Anand and his business partner, Vijay Mehar, a Las Vegas hotelier, took over this place in 2019. After surviving the pandemic, theyve seen good business, largely due to the two horror movies that were filmed here and countless YouTubers and TikTokers who seek it out as part of their never-ending quest for viral content.
Outside the lobby, a new cafe is under construction. I peer through an unfinished window frame and see the cemetery below. Theres more than just a neighborly connection between the two. After the plague, another tragedy struck Tonopah just a few years later, in 1911, when a fire in a mine took 17 lives. One of the victims was Clarence David. Little is known about him except that he collected clown memorabilia. When he died, he left behind a young son and daughter. They grew up nearby and, in their later years, in 1985, decided to open a clown-themed motel to honor their father, who was buried 20 feet away.
There are countless ghost stories surrounding the motel, of course. The hauntings were eagerly advertised by its previous owner, Bob Perchetti, who had taken over in 1995. On one episode of “Ghost Adventures,” filmed here in 2015, he claimed that the specters of perished miners regularly visit guests in their rooms. He also said that guests have woken up to find clowns standing over them.
Besides adding the words “world famous” to the sign out front, Anand tells me he painted the polka dots on the exterior of the motel and doubled the number of clowns in the lobby, most of which were donated by visitors. Next to one pink-nosed cotton clown, a curious note recalls the passing of a woman named Donna. “Lisa \[daughter\] dropped her clown doll off,” it reads, as if depositing the clowns of dead relatives here was normal, even routine.
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4211-web-1024x768.jpg)
A clown collection in the motel lobby, January 2023. Many of the clowns have been donated by visitors. (Andrew Chamings)
Anand is proud of the motel and seems to genuinely love the place. For years, he worked in advertising in India and Las Vegas, but this strange motel in the desert seems to be his calling. “This place needs me,” he says, smiling.
As I walk to my room, Anand hands a young couple an electromagnetic field reader. The ghost-hunting tool is available to rent for $35 a day — although, as the small print notes, paranormal activity is not guaranteed. He happily tells the couple that all guests have “24/7” access to the cemetery.
My room, 222, is the “Clownvis” room. Thats “Clown-Elvis,” a very real person I did not know existed until I found myself in a small red motel room with 20 gaudy painted portraits of him staring back at me.
![](https://newlinesmag.com/wp-content/uploads/IMG_4223-web-1024x768.jpg)
The Clownvis room, January 2023. (Andrew Chamings)
Late that afternoon, I visit the cemetery, stepping across the motels snowy parking lot and down a few steps. This is the place where many of the young men from the so-called Death Harvest are buried. Every one of the roughly 300 bodies here met their fate from 1901 to 1911. Fourteen graves are filled by those who died in the mine shaft fire. It wasnt just the fire and plague, however.
Most graves are marked, not with headstones, but with spindly wooden crosses that draw long shadows over the hill. Many are marked with tin plaques that note the cause of death. Theres Charles Smith, an ore sorter “murdered in his cabin behind the midway mine.” Theres Jerry ODonel, who died after falling down a mine shaft and being blown up by dynamite. And then theres “Big” Bill Murphy, a mine cage operator, who climbed down into the fiery shaft during the infamous fire — three times — to save unconscious miners. He never emerged from his third descent.
There are also a dozen infant graves, more than one set of brothers who died in mining accidents and a handful of young womens names — allegedly sex workers who were murdered or who committed suicide by drinking carbolic acid.
Allen Metscher has spent the past four decades researching the lives of those who perished during that brutal decade. Hes the one who engraves their stories on the small sheets of tin affixed to the graves. Metscher was born in Tonopah in the 1940s and has never left the small mining towns of central Nevada.
“My grandfather came to Nevada with gold fever in 1902. He died after a mine caved in,” Metscher tells me. “He left behind a wife and two destitute sons, my dad and my uncle. They both eventually died from silicosis from working in the mines, too.” In the 1980s, Metscher and his two brothers formed the Central Nevada Historical Society and set out to protect the regions history; much of that work has been here, in this graveyard. He spends many of his days leading tourists around and adding more plaques to the graves.
As I wander the town and speak with residents and those passing through, I learn more about its history. For roughly 12,000 years, this part of Nevada was inhabited by Indigenous people. Then, as in most of the West, European settlers arrived, bringing plunder and bloodshed along with them. Settling began with the discovery of riches beneath the ground. The town was founded in 1900, when a man named Jim Butler decided to camp by a spring near the foothills on the edge of the desert. As the story goes, Butler awoke to find his donkey missing. When he finally caught up with the wandering burro, he went to hurl a rock at it in frustration, only to realize the rock was glinting with silver.
News of the discovery reverberated across the West. Hundreds of fortune seekers landed in the camp and toiled in brutal conditions, as hastily formed mining companies laid claim to the valuable ore beneath the areas dusty hills.
By 1905, the bodies were piling up from the plague. Word of the deaths soon made its way to the newsrooms in San Francisco, where one mineralogist erroneously told reporters the cause of the mass death was almost certainly ammonia in the water drawn from volcanic rocks. That or rotten vegetables poisoning the water.
Hundreds of men fled Tonopah in fear. City officials gathered and quickly issued a report to be sent out to the newspapers, in an attempt to save the towns reputation and to outline their efforts to disinfect every corner of it and burn all the rotten vegetables. To no avail. Tonopah was decimated.
The American West is full of these once-violent places now polished for tourism and consumption. On my way here from California, I passed a marker for the site of the last camp of the Donner Party, a notorious group of pioneers caught in a winter storm. More than 40 of them died, and some of the survivors consumed the dead. The tragedy is now memorialized in a park, a museum, a ski resort, movies and a musical.
The town of Tombstone, Arizona — named after a marker of death — obtains most of its revenue from those visiting the location of the 30-second gunfight at the O.K. Corral, a legendary spasm of violence between lawmen and outlaws more than 140 years ago.
Across the West, there are more obscure sites that trade dollars for a peek at their dark past. A few hours from Tonopah, in the city of Porterville, California, a red-brick family home named Zalud House sits across the street from a Rite Aid store. A century ago, a German immigrant family suffered inside those walls a string of tragedies so sad that the home now charges $3 for people to look inside. On display: the bed in which young Mary Jane Zalud died of consumption; the bullet-riddled rocking chair her father sat in when he was shot dead by a spurned lover; and the horse saddle the youngest boy in the family was thrown from, before dying from his injuries.
The different approach to the horrors of history in Englands West Country couldnt be more stark. In September 1975, a few miles from where I grew up in Devon, three elderly siblings shot each other dead on a farm in an apparent suicide pact. The story of their deaths was only told in whispers. No sign adorns the address today. No tours are available. Nothing is left to mark the tragedy, let alone profit from it.
In England, every inch of soil has been warred over, killed for, harvested, bought and sold a hundred times, from the Druids to the Romans to the Gauls to the modern day. The horrors of those bygone eras are buried deep, even repressed, beneath the colonial guilt and secret tragedies of the past.
The carnage of Americas manifest destiny is fresher, a bloodstain still drying in the sand. “The modern West was born in blood,” says William Deverell, a professor of history at the University of Southern California. “Events of violence and terror have somehow become part and parcel to aspects of the American character.”
Americans have dug up that bleak history, dusted it off, repackaged it and put it up for sale. “History is shaped and contorted to meet the demands of that marketplace,” says Boyd Cothran, a historian and the author of “Remembering the Modoc War: Redemptive Violence and the Making of American Innocence.” “One of the main ways it gets remembered in the American West is, How do we get tourists to stop in our town and spend a little bit of money there?’” continues Cothran.
In Tonopah, the mass death is part of the draw, though less attention seems to be paid to the truth behind the tale. Back in 1905, months after the Death Harvest ended, the bodies were sent to San Francisco and Reno for autopsy. It wasnt bad booze or noxious gas that killed so many people, it turns out, but a form of pneumonia caused by unsanitary water. In its rush to pull the riches out of the ground, the town had built no working sewer system. Chamber pots were thrown onto the wooden sidewalks. Waste from the towns slaughterhouse flowed through the streets.
Conditions eventually improved but, decades later, with its mines shuttered, Tonopahs gruesome history became the cornerstone of its identity: an attraction for tourists long after the silver in its veins ran dry. Today, all thats left to exploit in Tonopah is the lore.
Somehow, I survive the night in the motel with nary a sight of a ghost, let alone Clownvis. In the morning, I see a director named Sydney Ostrander setting up a tripod and camera in the snowy parking lot. “Were shooting a video for a song called Hotel for Clowns,’” she tells me. I ask if the artist, a rising indie pop star named Chloe Moriondo, had Tonopah in mind when she wrote the song. “I think the song came from her own brain,” Ostrander says. “But then it just happened to be a real place.”
As I climb into my car to take the long road back to San Francisco, a man stands in the parking lot filming his friend, perhaps another YouTuber, walking down the cemetery steps while eating some jerky bought from the gas station. At the city limit, on Route 95, as the sand and wind swirl off the asphalt, a model in a pink silk dress and feather boa strikes fabulous poses on the shoulder of the road for a photographer.
Later, Metscher calls me to tell me hes making his next graveyard plaque. “He was the town barber,” Metscher says of the interred man. “He used to shave the corpses so theyd look respectable for their families. He died of pneumonia, but — a story goes that he may have died of fright. I think Ill put that on the plaque.”
*This article was published in the Spring 2023 issue of* New Lines* print edition.*
*[Sign up](https://newlinesmag.com/subscribe/) to our mailing list to receive our stories in your inbox*.
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# Police called her hanging a suicide. Her mother vowed to find the truth.
##### Part I
### The hidden wounds on Richmond Street
As a death investigator, Breanna Dibble thought of herself as the eyes and ears of the Hennepin County Medical Examiners Office, responsible for detecting small details that could become important clues later. On a busy July 4th weekend in 2019, she raced to the scene of a woman found hanged in a South St. Paul basement that looked like a dungeon.
Dibble went to work. Chains, sex toys, a whip, an empty tequila bottle and a polka-dot party hat spiraled in a mess around the womans nude body, which lay on the floor. Dibble turned her over and found bruising and lacerations smattering her back. She noticed a tattoo on the womans thigh, a black-ink illustration showing a female figure in lingerie with her hands bound behind her tailbone. Diamond-shaped imprints crisscrossed the womans throat, and they appeared to match the links of a utility chain with a Master lock that dangled from a pipe on the ceiling.
There was no suicide note. Full rigor mortis meant she had probably died hours before anyone called 911. A red dress hung off her shoulder like a scarf in what Dibble took for a clumsy attempt to clothe her. The fact that she was otherwise naked struck her as important. In hundreds of death scenes, Dibble had never seen a case of a woman hanging herself naked, especially with three kids upstairs likely to discover the body. As police questioned the others in the house, she learned at least one of them was lying.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/stppolicereport.png?w=800)
An excerpt from the South St. Paul police report on Heather's death.
The officers told Dibble not to bother with bagging the victims hands to preserve DNA evidence or sealing the body for the autopsy — standard protocols for a potential homicide. Dibble did anyway, but by then police had covered the woman with a dirty bedsheet, possibly contaminating the body.
“They had already made their minds up that her death was a suicide,” Dibble said in an interview. “And I had no indication of that at all.”
The womans name was Heather Mayer. She was 33 years old and worked as a policy specialist for a Twin Cities insurance company.
Dibble would revisit the scene of Heathers death many times as she lay awake nights or paused at a stoplight. She waited for the day police might deliver the investigative findings that would make the rest of the pieces fit into place. It never came.
Nearly four years later, the circumstances of Heather Mayer's death continue to remain a mystery. South St. Paul police have informally continued to call it a suicide, or possibly a “tragic accident,” and the medical examiner records still list Heathers cause of death as “undetermined.”
Dibble wasnt the only one who wondered if there was more to Heathers death than what police said. When one of the officers called Heathers mother, Tracy Dettling, to say her daughter had hanged herself, Dettlings mind flashed to her grandkids still in the house. She jumped into her car and sped toward the Twin Cities. Then she called the officer back from the road.
“Did *he* do this?” Dettling demanded.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/bella_h.jpg?w=1400)
Bella Bree, seen on Nov. 11, 2022, said she was in a “dark place” emotionally and financially when she met Ehsan Karam on Tinder. They married seven months after their first text.
Bella Bree was one of the last people to see Heather alive.
On a misty afternoon last summer, 29-year-old Bella smoked a Camel menthol outside the unremarkable two-story rental house where police found Heathers body three years earlier. Being back there reminded Bella of the strange power this place on Richmond Street W. once possessed over her.
“I feel like its pulling me in,” she said, exhaling a white cloud.
Five years ago, Bella had fallen into a bad way. A series of debilitating back surgeries forced her to drop out of the University of Minnesota, leaving her isolated and on the verge of losing her apartment. She said she was fighting suicidal thoughts when a handsome man who described himself as “not vanilla” messaged her on Tinder.
Bella had identified herself as a “sub” in her dating profile — short for a “submissive.” She was looking for a “dominant.”
Ehsan Karam was a dominant.
It was Bellas first real experience in BDSM — the broad term for relationships involving bondage, dominance, submission and sadomasochism — and most of what she knew came from reading “Fifty Shades of Grey,” the bestselling novel by E.L. James.
In the book, a naïve college student, Anastasia, is courted by Christian, a handsome young billionaire with a “red room of pain” in his Seattle penthouse. As Anastasia considers becoming Christians submissive, they meet to negotiate a contract, stipulating which safe words and hard limits Christian must follow with Anastasia in order to “explore her sensuality and her limits safely.”
Some practitioners of BDSM have criticized “50 Shades” for perpetuating dangerous misconceptions. BDSM is about safely taking or relinquishing control, they say — not the need to inflict harm on someone, as Christian does to Ana in the book, to the point of reducing her to tears.
“What people are drawn to is the idea of playing with power,” said Phillip Hammack, who studies fetish relationships as a psychology professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “Its like a script” — which is why BDSM sessions are called “scenes.”
There are many forms of BDSM, but Hammack said there is one immutable rule that distinguishes all fetish from abuse: Clear — and sometimes written — consent. “If the sub says peace out, thats it. Its over.”
When Bella first started dating Ehsan, he seemed like a love interest out of a romance novel. He glowed with confidence and told her that every day with her “felt like Christmas.” He paid for her meals and showered her with torrents of affection and favors they called “love bombs.” He invited her to move in with him, solving her apartment problem.
“He seemed to have all of the qualities that I would need in a partner,” she said.
In March 2018, seven months after he messaged her on Tinder, they married.
## So from the time I met Ehsan until we were married,
#### **Bella Bree**, Ehsans ex-wife
Ehsan was 36, 12 years older than Bella when they met. Born in Iran, hed been raised in the Twin Cities. Up until a few years earlier, he had trained to be a professional fighter. [Video from 2013 shows Ehsan winning his first pro mixed martial arts fight by choking his opponent into submission.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYJAINYGbHg)
Ehsan didnt respond to interview requests for this story, but in a profile published by his gym in 2013, he said bullies tormented him at school, and he started taking martial arts lessons as a kid. Training to be a fighter transformed him from a “typical insecure guy” to “a better friend, a better father, a better boyfriend, and just a happier person in general,” he told the interviewer. He talked about his expertise in chokeholds, which had won him four straight fights. An injury ended his MMA career early, he told Bella, and he worked as a security guard in downtown St. Paul when they met.
After they married, Bella began to see a more controlling side of Ehsan emerge.
He sent her a “submission contract” and said she must agree to its terms if she wished to stay with him. The document, which she shared with the Star Tribune, stipulated Ehsan would be Bellas “owner.” He would dictate her schedule, from waking by 6 a.m. to the time shed wait for him in bed at night. She would exercise, perform chores and eat at his direction. A poor attitude or other disobedience amounted to an offense punishable by slapping, pinching of genitals, isolation or the use of clamps for prolonged periods, according to the contract. The agreement, which Bella signed, was to terminate only in her death.
He invited other women, whom he called “slaves,” to live in their house and join them in a sexual relationship. Morgan Sargeson, 29, was the first. She recalled Ehsan introducing Bella as an ex-girlfriend whom hed allowed to stay at his house after her mother died. Bellas mom was very much alive, but at Ehsans order Bella said she spent weeks pretending to mourn in front of Morgan.
## I dated Ehsan for a month and a half
#### **Morgan Sargeson**, Ehsans ex-partner, sitting with Bella Bree, Ehsans ex-wife
Then Heather moved in. Heather had known Ehsan longer than any of them. They had dated casually once, years before Bella came into the picture. By September 2018, she was staying at the Richmond Street house four or five nights a week, before living there full time.
Heather stood on the short side of 5 feet tall, with a sugary charm that could lift the spirit of any room and an indomitability that allowed her to carry a mattress up a flight of stairs, or take a beating so Bella didnt have to. Once, when she knew Bella was feeling especially low, Heather surprised her at work with a bucket of fried chicken, and they improvised a picnic lunch on the hood of her car.
She also carried a darkness. Maybe it started when she was raped. She was just a teenager. As she relayed the story to friends and family later, two men were giving her a ride home. They told her she couldnt leave the car without gratifying them first.
Heather dropped out of high school and began showing signs of a severe anxiety disorder that made it hard for her to keep a job. She got pregnant the first time at 17. The father was a teenager whod been staying under a bridge near a bead shop her mom owned, where Heather worked part time, in Northfield. Heather set out to help him, and she ended up marrying him. The relationship fell apart, and by age 25, she was a single mother of three boys.
Heather found a group of like-minded people in the BDSM community. Others had also endured sexual abuse. BDSM allowed them to take the power back by acting out scenes in which they were in total control.
She kept that part of her life secret from her family. In online forums, she called herself “CandySays2.” She became a moderator for a group of hundreds of people in the local BDSM community that met daily on social media, semimonthly in person and occasionally for parties.
Part of Heathers role was to keep predators out of the community. If a new member sought to join her group, she and the other moderators were responsible for vetting them first. Heather was a tenacious protector of her flock — which is why her friends say they were so terrified of the images that began to appear on her social media feed.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heather_selfie.jpg?w=900)
Heather Mayer is seen in a photo from her phone. The 33-year-old insurance policy specialist had a playful streak and a toughness belied by her size.
A week after agreeing to be Ehsans “slave,” Heather told a friend how well it was going. “Im super happy and I feel a bigger balance than I have before and Im loving it!” she texted.
But in later messages, she described him as a “walking time bomb” who used the pretext of BDSM to prey upon vulnerable women.
“Hes a man with mental health issues and is mentally/physically abusive and he found a label that helps him justify that abuse,” she said.
For Heather, Bella and Morgan, what had started as consensual BDSM turned into beatings that exceeded anything theyd agreed to, according to Bellas and Morgans interviews with the Star Tribune and police, and corroborated by pictures, videos and private messages.
Morgan said Ehsan crossed the line separating BDSM from abuse early in their relationship, when he struck her on the inner thigh with a metal pipe. The pipe left a red imprint that bloomed into a purple and blue bruise bigger than the size of her hand, and that has yet to fully disappear more than four years later. The weapons after that day included whips, a flogger covered in sharp plastic teeth, chains, his fists and a conductor wand he used to shock them with an electrical current, she said.
“He would punch me in the ribs repeatedly until they broke. He would make sure they broke,” Morgan said. “And then he would stretch my ribs until I passed out from the pain. And then I would wake up to him doing whatever he wanted to me.”
Bella recalled several of the instances he hurt or scared her, like the time he held her underwater in a bathtub until she almost lost consciousness. Or when he shoved her face in her cats dirty litter box, and months later she was still finding silver grains of litter lodged deep in her ear. Once, he beat her with a metal pipe so hard it bent her wedding band and crushed her finger.
He threatened to kick Bella out of the house unless she endured what he called her “gantlet.” Bella said he beat her with his hands, a belt and a metal rod until she passed out from shock. He posted a photo on Instagram afterward, showing Bellas nude body covered in bruising from the neck down, she said. “And people loved it.”
Both Morgans and Heathers young children lived in the house at different times when their mothers were beaten. Ehsan found out Morgan was looking to move out, and “he went after my kidneys and my tailbone with various diameters of PVC,” she said. “My daughter was sleeping downstairs, so I couldnt scream. And he knew that.”
For Morgan, the fear of staying gained the upper hand.
On the morning of Dec. 7, 2018, after Ehsan left for work, Morgans co-worker helped her pack and drove her to an apartment hed rented in his name so Ehsan couldnt follow her.
“I absolutely lived my last, like, three weeks there unsure of whether or not I was going to wake up in the morning,” Morgan said.
## I would be able to steal away to study for college,
#### **Morgan Sargeson**, Ehsans ex-partner, sitting with **Bella Bree**, Ehsans ex-wife
The BDSM sessions turned into a contest to see which of the women could endure the most pain, and it was almost always Heather, according to Bella and Morgan.
Images taken during that period show Heathers body covered with dozens of red markings from a weapon fashioned with the tiny teeth of a plastic office-chair mat. A video from February 2019 shows Ehsan snuffing out a cigarette on Heathers back and then repeatedly holding her head underwater in a bathtub, once for about 20 seconds, even after she thrashed to get back up. Weeks later, she texted Ehsan from the hospital, reporting shed suffered pneumonia, bronchitis and an ear infection.
“I am not well,” she said in a separate exchange. “I didnt realize that slave meant I do not get taken care of when Im not doing well.”
“You get taken care of pretty f—ing well,” he replied. “Even making that statement is extremely ungrateful.”
“All of me aches today ... cant hear out of my left ear ... stomach still hurts and I feel cold,” she wrote to him in another conversation.
“Suck it up, bitch,” he replied.
In other messages, she described occasions where he drank in excess. She urged him to get treatment and said he had a history of hurting his girlfriends after he blacked out. “You are going to hurt someone or kill someone someday,” she said.
Ehsan denied it. “Hypothetically,” he said, “if I had hit you, would it be wise to admit such a thing over text?”
##### Heather Mayer
The reason you hate me so much is because I don't forget the details, I'm always sober enough and lucid enough to remember everything that happens
##### Ehsan Karam
You're really slow
Think what you want
I am not .. I'm intelligent, resourceful, helpful and kind I'm not always perfect and I have my less than pretty moments .. but I'm a pretty good person who just chooses the wrong men to be with
What's crazy is how smart you are and instead of using it to have a great life and happiness you would rather hide and do nothing and stay in all of this chaos ..
Hypothetically...if I had hit you. Would it be wise to admit such a thing over text?
I never touched a single one of my exes goodbye
Obviously not, but I'm still trying to help you and don't treat me like I'm crazy ... anyways I will try not to message you, you can message me or call me if and when you ever want to talk
Three weeks after being admitted to the hospital, Heather called police to report Ehsan had attacked her and locked himself in the house with her kids. When the officers showed up, Heather said theyd broken up and hed punched her head “five or six” times and then chased her into their alley, according to a police report. Ehsan didnt go peacefully. Police broke out a window in his house, and he reached through the glass and snatched the barrel of one of their guns. They Tasered and shot Ehsan with three rubber bullets before he collapsed and the officers were able to break in the door.
Ehsan was taken to jail and charged with domestic assault and obstruction of justice. Heather filed for a domestic abuse no-contact order. This fight in front of her children had gone too far, she told him.
“Maybe someday youll get the help you need and you wont keep hurting people,” she wrote to him in a private message on social media. “I love you Ehsan ... I will probably forever ... I hate you for taking yourself away from me.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heather_chain.jpg?w=400)
Heather Mayer, posing in this photo with a chain around her neck, was a moderator for a Twin Cities BDSM group. Her role, in part, was to keep predators out.
The separation didnt last.
After the assault, she and Ehsan started exchanging texts and private messages, sometimes dozens per day. The messages make references to sleeping together and meeting outside at her job, where Ehsan worked for the buildings security. Ehsan said that a proper slave would have no limits, and that things would be different “if youd acted appropriately.”
“I love you,” Heather replied. “This is hurting me beyond what ive really experienced before … i dont know how to navigate it … im scared and alone …”
“This is where you lean into your submission and my protection if you want this to work,” he told her. “Really no way around that.”
Less than two months after taking out the no-contact order, Heather wrote a letter asking a judge to lift it. She sent a draft to Jennifer Casanova-Roers, Ehsans attorney, who agreed to look at it before Heather submitted it to the judge. In texts, Ehsan responded with edits instructing her how to downplay the abuse, citing Casanova-Roers.
“Jenefer \[sic\] says if you want the no contact lifted you have to be at court on Tuesday,” Ehsan texted her on June 12, 2019. “She said theres a part in your letter where you say nothing like this has happened THIS BAD before she thinks it should say NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE.” He told her to add that she suffered from bipolar disorder and PTSD, and that shed been erratic because she went off her medication. “And of course remove the sh— about me being drunk,” he said.
The next week, Heather stood in front of Dakota County Judge Jerome Abrams, asking that Ehsan be allowed to move back home.
“She feels safe,” Casanova-Roers told the judge. (Casanova-Roers declined to be interviewed for this story.)
Abrams remarked on the severity of the events that led to the no-contact order, but he agreed to lift it. For the sake of Heathers kids, he said, “its probably good for you to get back together so long as things are smooth.”
Sixteen days later, Heather was dead.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heatherjournal_new.png?w=1400) ![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heatherjournal_new.png?w=1400)
An excerpt from Heather Mayer's journal, asking to lift the no-contact order against Ehsan Karem that she had sought in April 2019, three months before her death.
After she left Ehsan, Morgan married the coworker whod aided her escape. She got pregnant that summer, and they bought a townhouse together in Apple Valley. When she found out Heather died, she grieved for her friend. But Morgan decided to stay out of it when people from her old life started asking her to go to the police about Ehsans history of violence.
She was getting ready to take her kids bowling six months later when her phone rang. The name that flashed across her screen read “Heather.”
Someone was calling her from a dead womans phone.
##### Part II
### A mothers instincts wont let go of case
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/tracy_h.jpg?w=1400)
Tracy Dettling began compiling evidence after Dakota County declined to file charges in Heather Mayers death. Above, she held a photo of her daughter on Jan. 2, 2023, as she stood on the frozen remains of a garden Mayer had planted for her years ago in Nerstrand, Minn.
Tracy Dettling entered the prosecutors office braced for bad news.
It had been seven months since police found her daughter Heather dead, and in that time Dettling had lost faith that police were taking the case seriously. When Dakota County Attorney Kathy Keena called a meeting, Dettling texted the lead investigator to say she felt in her gut there would be no charges. “I hope I am wrong.”
Dettlings suspicions proved correct.
The police investigation, Keena said, did not find criminal behavior that led to her daughters death because Heather voluntarily climbed into the chain harness she was found in before the others in the house went to bed, and they owed her no “duty to protect” under the law. Had Heather died in the course of BDSM — the form of sexual roleplay she and the others in the house practiced — a “strong argument could be made” for criminal negligence charges. But Keena said the evidence pointed in the other direction. (Keena would not agree to an interview for this story.)
Dettling bit her tongue and gazed across the room. There was more to this, she thought. If the police couldnt find the truth, she would do it herself. Dettling told Keena she wanted her daughters file — the body-camera video, autopsy records, police interviews, Heathers iPhone.
“I want everything.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heather_childhood.jpg?w=650)
Heather Mayer grew up in Nerstrand attending church, local football games and going to the cabin for long weekends.
If there is such a thing as luck, Dettling believes her family didnt get any. Her first child died of sudden infant death syndrome. A car accident left her second daughter, Jennifer, quadriplegic and cognitively impaired at 19.
“Heather was my last hope,” Dettling said.
Dettling is short, like Heather. With glasses perched on the edge of her nose and a flash of white hair pulled back into a ponytail, she spends her free time scouring police records or rereading court transcripts she keeps stacked on her dining room table, searching for clues that may have eluded police.
She raised Heather in Nerstrand, an hours drive south of the metro, in a modest old house that overlooks a tree-covered valley. Nerstrand is a community of only a few hundred people south of Northfield, a larger city thats home to the Malt-O-Meal cereal factory and whose slogan is “Cows, Colleges and Contentment.” Heather enjoyed a typical Midwestern country girls life, attending church and varsity football games and going to the cabin for long weekends. She devoured books, especially love stories.
At 16, Heather entered what Dettling calls the “black years.” She dropped out of high school. She started sneaking out. One day, Dettling found her daughter inside a car in their driveway having sex with a stranger.
“Whatever happened to my daughter, it was like night and day,” Dettling said. “I didnt know how to help her.”
Dettling convinced Heather to get a GED, but a crippling anxiety disorder prevented her from holding down a job. Heather worked for her mother for nine years, as her disabled sister Jennifers full-time caretaker. One day Dettling found Heather dozed off and Jennifer dangling helplessly out of her wheelchair. “What are you doing?!” she remembered shouting.
Heather woke up and tried to brush it off. Dettling lost her temper, and the fight ended with Heather quitting and storming out of the house.
She blocked her moms phone number after that. In her rare visits home, Dettling recalled, she noticed Heather losing weight at an alarming pace (by the time of her death, Heather had shed 50 pounds from what shed listed on her drivers license). Her daughters skin appeared gray and sallow, her cheeks hollowed. She wore long sleeves and turtlenecks, even in the summer.
One evening, Dettling just had this feeling. She called Heathers son and told him to put his mother on. Heather sounded weak, Dettling recalled later, but she said she was feeling good about the future and talked about plans to take the kids to Valleyfair. They fought over Ehsan. Dettling couldnt understand how Heather could go back to the man whod hit her.
“Leopards dont change their spots,” she said.
“Hes good to me,” Heather replied.
“Heather, how is he good to you?” Dettling asked. “Just name one thing.”
Heather was silent, Dettling recalled. “That said it all to me.”
Two days later, police called to say her daughter had killed herself.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/tracy_home.jpg?w=1400)
Tracy Dettling cried as she talked about the death of her daughter next to piles of documents she has investigated at her home in Nerstrand.
After Dakota County declined to file charges in Heathers death, the prosecutor mailed Dettling a USB drive. She began compiling the first of what would grow into enough documents, recordings and photographs to fill a plastic storage crate. Slowly and painfully, she pieced together the day her daughter died.
At about 1:25 p.m. that July day, Bella had called 911 to report Heathers death. She told the operator shed found Heather at least “15 to 20 minutes” ago.
The body-camera showed officer Mellissa Cavalier arrive about five minutes later. Cavalier rushed down to the basement to find a woman named Holly Appell, 33, a new addition to the Richmond Street house, shirtless and frantically performing chest compressions on Heathers lifeless body. Without prompt, Holly told the officer that Heather “has bipolar disorder” when she first arrived. “The keys were right next to her,” she told the officer, referring to the chain that Heather was found in. She added that Heather had not taken her medication the day before.
The officers confirmed Heather was dead. Cavalier stepped away to call Dettling. The officers and a chaplain huddled outside in the rain and debated how to tell the kids, who had been in their rooms upstairs and oblivious to what had happened, as the paramedics rolled their mother away on a gurney.
Cavalier, meanwhile, returned to the house with more questions for Holly and Bella.
Dettling had asked repeatedly if “*he*” did this, she said. Who was “*he*?”
“She was referring to Ehsan,” Holly told her, “and no he did not.”
“Was he here at all yesterday?” asked the officer.
“Yes,” replied Holly, “but he wasnt here when all this happened … He didnt do this,” she repeated, claiming Ehsan had left “probably about midnight or so.”
Later, Holly approached Cavalier outside the house to confess shed lied to cover for Ehsan. He was here when it happened. Hed slept here. Hed helped take Heathers body down from the harness.
“We know how it looks, because of like the domestic violence,” said Holly.
Ehsan returned later that night. In a 15-minute conversation in the basement, Ehsan told Phillip Oeffling, the lead investigator assigned to the case, how Heather was heavily medicated. She “asked” for the chain harness and climbed into it “of her own accord,” and the keys were “right next to her,” Ehsan told the officer. He said he checked on her several times throughout the night. “I have no recollection of what happened after that,” Ehsan said.
Ehsan said theyd called 911 within three to five minutes after finding Heather dead that next day.
When Oeffling asked to speak to him one-on-one, Ehsan told him to “talk to my lawyer.”
Though prosecutors would list Ehsan as a suspect, there is no record that Oeffling ever followed up to interview him again.
Oeffling, South St. Paul Police Chief Brian Wicke and former Chief Bill Messerich declined interview requests about this case.
In listening to audio of Oefflings interviews with witnesses in the months after Heathers death, Dettling found conflicting versions of what happened the night before they discovered her daughters body. Neither matched prosecutor Keenas explanation that both Ehsan and Holly witnessed Heather voluntarily climb into the chain before they went to bed.
The first version came from Holly, who told police shed met Ehsan online and visited a couple of times that year. The weekend Heather died, shed flown up from her home in Alabama for Ehsans birthday.
In a phone interview, Holly told Oeffling theyd enjoyed a quiet night at home watching TV, drinking tequila and snorting cocaine, planning a celebration for the next night. Bella went to bed first, followed by Ehsan. When Holly turned in for the night, Heather was the last one up. She remembers Heather “playing with” the chain. But, “I dont remember full-on seeing her get into it,” she said.
Theres no definitive evidence of how Heathers body was positioned when she was found. Holly told Oeffling when she woke that day, Heather was missing. They searched the house and Holly found her in the laundry room, strangled by the chain, which was fastened into a makeshift noose by a Master lock and wrapped around her neck. Holly said they always left slack on the chains noose, but when they found Heathers body, she appeared to be leaning her weight into it, “like she was trying to do what she was doing.” They shouted up to Bella, who called 911 while Holly started CPR. “And then you guys were there within a few minutes.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/chain.jpg?w=400)
A lock and chain found in the basement where Heather Mayer died. Diamond imprints on her throat appeared to match the chain.
The second version of the night came from Bella. The first time they talked, Oeffling interviewed Bella at the house on Richmond Street with Ehsan present. Speaking barely above a whisper, Bella provided short answers to Oefflings questions, saying she didnt see or hear anything the night of Heathers death, and she didnt remember much about the next day when the body was discovered. Heather seemed perfectly fine that night, Bella said, and added that sometimes Heather used the chain alone.
The following January, after shed separated from Ehsan, Bella told Oeffling that Ehsan had coached her on what to say before the first interview. “It was all about just making sure I dont say that he left her there,” she said. “That she did it herself.”
In a series of new interviews with police, Bella confirmed that she was the first to bed the night Heather died, but said she was awakened by voices in the vents coming from the basement below. According to her statements to police, she could hear Heather being whipped and saying, “I would hang myself for you.”
“He was there with her. And he left her there — chained in the basement alone. Chained by the neck in the basement, by herself, while they were doing alcohol and cocaine,” Bella told the officer. “I dont think she took her life.”
“I dont either. I dont either,” said Oeffling. “You mentioned they left her there. How do you know that?”
“Thats what they told me,” Bella replied.
“And then they said to lie about it, and say that she did it all herself, and she liked to do that,” she told Oeffling. “But what they said happened was they were having a scene. And he said he left the key with her and went to bed.”
When Bella learned the next day that Heather was dead, she told Oeffling, she had wanted to call the police right away, but Ehsan and Holly said they needed to find the key first.
Bella said she spent five or 10 minutes helping them search for the key to the lock that held the chain around her throat before Ehsan claimed he found it at her feet, “which didnt make sense to me.” Ehsan unlocked Heather and placed her on the bed, and Bella called the police.
Ehsan and Holly instructed her to tell police Heather hanged herself, she told Oeffling. “So I did. And then he left.”
“Just to clarify, you have no information that he forced her into the apparatus?” asked Oeffling. “Do you think she was in it when she made that statement about being willing to hang for him?”
Bella knew only what she heard through the vents, she told the investigator. “My darkest suspicion is that she was in that, and she said that, and he tested her on it.”
## Last thing I saw was Heathers face.
#### **Bella Bree**, Ehsans ex-wife, sitting with Morgan Sargeson, Ehsans ex-partner
Oeffling noted the “odd set of circumstances” to the case and said the “lifestyle” of the residents on the house at Richmond Street made it a difficult one, according to recordings of the interviews with Bella.
“Its established that \[Ehsans\] not a nice person. But not being a nice person isnt illegal. If we want a case charged, we have to show evidence of a crime,” he told Bella.
Bella would later send photos to the officers documenting the abuse, and social media posts from Ehsan bragging about not using safe words. In a private message, Ehsan asked Bella, “Would you die for me?” In another, he threatened to kill her and himself. In a separate message, in February 2019, he described a plan to feed Holly a “bunch of drugs” and “keep her chained up like I did you.”
Bella repeatedly told Oeffling that she was afraid Ehsan would hurt more women if police didnt stop him. “Hes going to do this again,” she said. “I know that he is.”
As she listened to the interview recordings, Dettling realized their stories did not line up.
She noticed other details of the investigation that also didnt make sense. Days after her daughters death, a psychologist who knew Heather through the BDSM community called Oeffling to report how Heather had confided that Ehsan was abusing her. Oeffling told the tipster that Ehsan appeared to be a “terrible human being,” but all signs pointed to her death being an accident caused by Heather using a “dangerous combination” of alcohol and benzodiazepines, a depressant. However, when Dettling got the medical examiners report, she saw her daughters blood tested positive only for alcohol and cocaine.
The autopsy also revealed to Dettling the extent of the injuries her daughter had suffered before she died.
Scars covered Heathers chest, buttocks, back and legs, some up to 6 inches long, including the outline from where the phrase “Daddy Knows Best” had been carved into her forearm. The medical examiner also described more recent cuts and bruises that had not healed.
The autopsy photos show Heathers wrists bent inward and encircled with narrow contusions. Bella told police in a statement she saw Heathers wrists shackled behind her back with handcuffs the morning she died. She told the Star Tribune she recognized the red cuffs; shed bought them for Ehsan as a present, she said.
Police photos from the scene of Heathers death show a pair of red handcuffs in an open drawer of a clear-plastic storage container. A pair of scissors and a zip tie can also be seen strewn across a bed a few feet away. The photos were included as evidence in the police file, but Oeffling never asked Bella about handcuffs and he made no mention of them in his report.
Dettling found a journal full of entries written by her daughter. One contained the phrase “I will always honor my commitments to my master” written 80 times. Another page listed her “hard limits” as a BDSM submissive, including stopping when she said “red,” the safe word. Under “special considerations,” she wrote: “Choking — I love it. If I start to get to \[sic\] panicked after multiple times please let me recover.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heatherhonor.png?w=800)
A page from Heather Mayers journal contained the phrase “I will always honor my commitments to my master” written 80 times. Elsewhere she described her “hard limits” as a submissive.
Dettling guessed her daughters passwords and searched through Heathers phone, including her text history and social media messages. The exchanges described past assaults and accusations that Ehsan didnt follow the limits shed put in writing.
“I said red so many times,” Heather said in one exchange.
“Im in too much pain, my spine feels like its trying to climb out of me, every joint is throbbing and my lungs hurt,” she said in another.
“I did not think you would use kink to justify abuse,” she told him in a separate message. “Youre emotionally manipulative and do not recognize the damage you do until after the fact and then shrug it off as no big deal … you are throwing \[our relationship\] away by making me decide between being safe and being terrified.”
“You said youd never leave my side,” Ehsan replied. “Quite an interesting turn of events.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/morgan_h.jpg?w=1400)
Morgan Sargeson said Ehsan Karam crossed the line separating BDSM from abuse early in their relationship. When he heard she wanted to move out, she said he attacked her with PVC pipe.
Dettling called Morgan from Heathers phone, but at first she didnt answer.
She texted later explaining who she was and why she wanted to talk, and Morgan called her back. Dettling said shed found Morgans texts in her daughters phone and needed to know what happened in the Richmond Street house. Over two hours, Morgan recounted the physical and psychological torture she and Heather had endured together. Dettling said she was trying to get police to reopen the case — to get justice. Maybe Morgans story would convince them.
Morgan agreed to submit a statement to police about what Ehsan did to her. She sent Dettling an image from Ehsans Instagram account, posted shortly before her daughters death. It showed Ehsan crushing Heathers face into the carpet with his leather shoe. A gob of spit had crusted over her eye. “Pray for this bitch, yall. Shes got a ROUGH month ahead of her,” read the caption.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/thepatriarchig.jpg?w=400)
An image from Ehsan Karams Instagram account shows him crushing her face into the carpet with his shoe.
In the photo, Ehsan has wrapped Heathers neck in a utility chain. Bella said its the same chain police found at Heathers death scene.
Bella said she was there at the hotel where it happened, and she could corroborate that the protection order had been in place at the time.
Finally, months of hard work paid off. Dettling sent the photo to Oeffling, who agreed to reopen the case and interview Morgan.
Morgan sent Oeffling a video showing her bleary eyed and dressed in black lingerie. Ehsan appears behind her, grasps her neck into a chokehold between his forearms and squeezes. “I didnt want it to happen,” she told the officer. “I didnt want it to be filmed. So he made me drink, he made me smoke marijuana. And in the video you can see that Im just not there at all.”
Oeffling was still skeptical any of this amounted to a crime — especially one a jury would recognize — given her willingness to engage in BDSM.
It was like two boxers entering the ring, he told Morgan, according to a recording of their interview. “You cant come back a month later and say, Hey, I didnt agree to get my ass kicked, but at the time, you agreed to fight.”
Nevertheless, reopening the investigation turned up a new lead for police: Another woman who said Ehsan had assaulted her.
Her story begins the day after police found Heather dead in Ehsans basement.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/gabbie_h.jpg?w=1400)
Gabby Schmeeckle was a BDSM novice when she met Ehsan Karam over Instagram. She met Karam in person just a day after Heather Mayers death and fled after an “audition” where she was punched, slapped and whipped.
Less than 24 hours after paramedics had wheeled Heathers body out of the house, Gabby Schmeeckle, 32, was finishing a nursing school exam in Omaha and then packing up her car to visit Ehsan for his birthday.
Gabby had found him on Instagram a few months earlier and theyd flirted over direct messages. He invited her up to his house for his birthday in July. Gabby also followed the social media accounts of Heather, Morgan and Bella, and she figured if these experienced women in the community had been with him, he must be trustworthy.
Gabby was a novice in the world of BDSM. After watching her dad die from complications related to an autoimmune disorder, shed searched for something to help with the pain. She found articles that said BDSM could be an effective tool to work through trauma. “I liked the idea of being protected and cared for,” she said.
When she arrived at the house that night and met him for the first time in person, she detected a strange mood, especially with Bella, who seemed subdued and distant. No one mentioned until later in the weekend that Heather had been found dead in the basement just a day earlier.
Gabby said Ehsan invited her to join the Richmond Street house, but told her she first must endure an “audition” that entailed a weekend of pain without limit. If she asked him to stop, she would have to leave.
“I was early enough in my BDSM journey that I just kind of took it for what it was,” she said. “I didnt really question him.”
Gabby said she fled the next night in tears, covered in cigarette burns, her own blood, whiplashes and purple and red markings across her breasts and face from where hed punched and slapped her. She drove across the border into Iowa before she felt safe enough to pull over at a hotel for the night.
“There was no consent,” she said. “There was no saying no. This man is trained in jiujitsu. Hes an MMA fighter. What am I going to do against him?”
## A lot of my breaking point was the face smacking,
#### **Gabby Schmeeckle**,
Ehsans ex-partner
Over the next few months, as officer Oeffling was interviewing witnesses in Heathers case, Ehsan persuaded Gabby to give him another chance.
She visited him in Denver, where he was staying with his mom, and he choked her until she passed out, and then choked her again because he “didnt like how I came out of it,” she said. In November 2019, he came to live with her in Omaha for a month. “Thats when it was the worst,” she said. “Just constant torture.”
Gabby eventually filed a report of domestic abuse to police in Nebraska. They told her she had a weak case because of her participation in BDSM, she said. Police took her report, but it never led to charges.
When the officers from South St. Paul called Gabby in 2020, after reopening the investigation of Heathers death, she told them about how hed beat her up that first night.
“Did you tell him no?” asked investigator Mitch Nelson, according to a recording of the interview.
“Yes,” she said.
Ehsan didnt talk about Heathers death, she told Nelson, other than making “several comments that weekend about how he was going to be needing another bitch around the house.” She sent the detective evidence of his brutality toward her. The photos, which she also shared with the Star Tribune, showed her tattoos permanently discolored from the cigarette burns, her chest gashed and blackened from where he struck her over and over.
Nelson said he thought she had a case for a domestic assault charge. Months later, a prosecutor from Keenas office called. The prosecutor told her the pictures were “some of the worst” shed ever seen, recalled Gabby, but her office would not be filing charges.
“Her explanation was that a jury would never side with me.”
## He said that I had to come audition for him
#### **Gabby Schmeeckle**,
Ehsans ex-partner
Dettling finally caught two breaks. The Minnesota Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility agreed to open an investigation into Casanova-Roers, Ehsans lawyer. Dettling had sent the oversight board descriptions of text messages from her daughters phone that appeared to show Casanova-Roers helping to coach Heather on how to get the no-contact order dropped.
The South St. Paul City Attorneys Office was also charging Ehsan with violating Heathers protection order. It was a misdemeanor. If convicted, Ehsan likely faced a fine and court-ordered therapy, maybe some minor jail time. It wouldnt bring Heather back. But three years after her death, it would allow Dettling and Bella to confront him in the courtroom.
Before they did, another woman would come forward.
##### Part III
### I want Heathers voice to be heard
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/stephanie_h.jpg?w=1400)
Stephanie Chao in November 2022 at the Tucson, Ariz., spot where Ehsan Karam attacked her in front of a police officer five months earlier.
One afternoon last June, in the shadow of the Santa Catalina Mountains an hour north of the Mexican border, Tucson Police officer Maxwell McCully was driving to a report of a domestic assault when he noticed a man sprinting down the sidewalk.
McCully looked closer and saw a woman up ahead. The officer realized she was running away from the man.
McCully flipped on his siren and pulled over, but it was too late, according to his report: Ehsan tackled Stephanie Chao onto the cement in front of his squad car.
McCully leapt out of the car, unholstered his sidearm and pointed it. Ehsan surrendered and the officer handcuffed him. In his report, McCully said Stephanie was shaking, struggling to speak and bleeding from a cut under her left eye.
The cut had faded into a scar the shape of a teardrop five months later, as Stephanie sat in a park in Tucson and described how shed met Ehsan on a dating app in 2020, after hed left Minnesota and then Nebraska. She said they moved into an apartment his mom helped him buy, and Ehsan was training her in BDSM. Ehsan had also continued his relationship with Holly Appell, the other woman who was present the night Heather died, who Stephanie said became her “sub sister.”
Like the others, Stephanie said Ehsan bulldozed past the line separating consensual BDSM and domestic abuse. She said he choked her until she was unconscious, then again before she had a chance to recover. In less than two years, Stephanie said, he gave her a dozen black eyes.
“My one thing was I dont want face shots,” she said. “And he would break it every f—ing time.”
The day police arrested him, Stephanie said she ran for her life. She said Ehsan punched her three times in the face before officer McCully could stop him.
## He would choke me until I was unconscious,
#### **Stephanie Chao**, Ehsans ex-partner
While the officers were at the apartment complex, a neighbor whod called 911 around the same time accused Ehsan of harassing them for weeks. The officers found the neighbors window broken and caked in fecal matter, and four vulgar notes littering their entryway.
Ehsan was booked into the Pima County jail around 11 p.m., and charged with two counts of domestic assault, both misdemeanors. At the time, he was wanted on a nationwide warrant ordering his extradition to Minnesota for skipping a court date. Instead of shipping him to Minnesota, a judge let him out on bond at noon the next day, according to jail records.
“Oh my God,” Stephanie remembered thinking when he walked back into their apartment with no warning. “Im going to die.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/tusconreport.png?w=800)
The Tucson, Ariz., police report of Ehsan Karams assault on Stephanie Chao and harassment of their neighbors.
Eleven days later and 1,600 miles away, Dettling stepped up to the gray building with the words Dakota County Judicial Center in black letters over the entry, prepared to face the man she blamed for her daughters death.
She hoped to find a reckoning inside, even a small one. Ehsan had pleaded guilty to violating Heathers domestic assault no-contact order, issued by a judge a few months before her death.
The South St. Paul city attorney was asking for three days in jail and mandatory counseling, far less than what Dettling had hoped to achieve when she set out on this mission to find justice. But after three years of searching, she would mark any jail time in the victory category.
When Ehsan came before the judge, Dettling watched from the spectator gallery. Bella and Morgan viewed the proceedings live through a Zoom feed.
In a plea for leniency, Ehsans attorney, Casanova-Roers, told Judge Timothy McManus that Heather was the one whod initiated the contact in violation of the order, not her client. “And he understands he should not have allowed that,” Casanova-Roers said.
South St. Paul prosecutor Jerome Porter called Dettling to offer a victim impact statement on behalf of her daughter. She approached the lectern just a few feet from Ehsan. It was the first time shed ever been in the same room as him.
“I want Heathers voice to be heard,” Dettling began, reading from a notebook with the words “Heather case. Justice is coming” scrawled on the cover. She asked McManus to give Ehsan the maximum penalty under the law.
She told the judge how hed inflicted so much pain and anguish on Heather that shed suffered regular panic and anxiety attacks. “She couldnt sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, talk to her friends, see her family, go to the store, or be with her kids or work, let alone work overtime, without his permission,” Dettling said.
“He controlled every aspect of her life, so that when I started going through her phone and reading the texts between Ehsan and Heather, it didnt sound like my daughter,” she continued. “I knew the words were hers, but I didnt recognize the person writing them. He had transformed my daughter, Heather, from being \[an\] independent, hard-working mother of three wonderful children — \[a\] confident and strong young woman, sure of her convictions, creative and talented — to someone I didnt know ... He had her brainwashed. Heather couldnt tell anymore what was love and what was abuse.
“There are laws against abusing animals in this way. What gives him the right to treat a human being in this way and get away with it? My grandchildren have to go through the rest of their lives without their mother because of this monster.”
Casanova-Roers objected when Dettling told Judge McManus how the attorney had coached her daughter on how to write the letter requesting to drop the no-contact order, but McManus overruled and let her speak.
“They crafted a letter that was a lie and presented it to this court,” Dettling continued. “It was a targeted and blatant lie ... The letter took all the blame off of Ehsan and put all of the blame on Heather.
“Jennifer used key words to sway the judge into dropping the \[no-contact\] order, saying to the court that Heather felt safe; they are both in therapy.
McManus acknowledged he was at a disadvantage. The case had bounced to different judges before landing on his desk for sentencing, and he didnt know the history.
“Who are you getting this from?” he asked Dettling.
“Heathers phone,” she replied.
“Is this after she died?”
“Yes.”
“OK,” the judge continued delicately. “And then, Im completely in the unknown. How did your daughter die?”
Dettling bit her tongue. “Its undetermined,” she said. “It is not suicide, as they called it in.”
She asked the judge to hold Ehsan accountable not just for Heather, but for the “pattern of abuse and torture of vulnerable women.”
“They are afraid to come forward and to make him accountable because of the extreme fear he has put in them,” she said. “I know the wheels of justice turn slowly, but I want Ehsan to know that Heather will have her justice. Your Honor, make him accountable today!”
## Heather couldnt tell anymore
#### **Tracy Dettling,** Heathers mother, reading from the victim impact statement she made on behalf of her daughter in court
After Dettling, Bella spoke.
She told McManus that Ehsan had also been convicted of violating a protection order shed taken out against him. “I suffered physically, severe sexual and psychological abuse, as did Heather and the other partners he brought in and out of our South St. Paul home,” said Bella. “These abuses included being punched, slapped, kicked and beat with PVC pipes, metal-type belts and switches of various diameters all over the face and body.”
“Why didnt you call the police?” asked the judge.
“I was in fear for my life,” Bella said. “He threatened to kill us if we did anything.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/bella_lipinjury.jpg?w=625)
A photo of Bella Bree with a bruised and swollen lip taken on Oct. 9, 2018. She sent this and other images to police as evidence of how Ehsan Karam crossed the boundaries of BDSM into nonconsensual violence.
When it came time for Ehsan to tell his side, Casanova-Roers told McManus he was not getting the full story. The behavior Dettling and Bella described was all “part of the sexual play” of BDSM, she said. Prosecutors for Dakota County had viewed the videos and photos and interviewed the witnesses to the allegations. “There were no charges brought against Mr. Karam because there was ample evidence to show that it was part of this BDSM play,” the lawyer said.
Heather was an experienced moderator in the BDSM community who knew what she was doing, said Casanova-Roers. “Your Honor, its hard to hear the things that Ms. Dettling said for anyone, especially parents. Mr. Karam has a hard time hearing it because these things did not happen in the way that they have been presented to you today.
“Heathers death was very painful for my client as well,” Casanova-Roers continued. “He loved her dearly. And he loved \[Bella\] as well. I think things took a turn, and all of this consensual play that happened is now being used against him as —”
“Its not consensual,” interrupted Bella. “It is not.”
McManus asked Ehsan if he wished to speak in his defense. In a brief statement, Ehsan acknowledged the allegations sounded bad when taken literally. “But the way that they have described it does not take into account the fact that it was all consensual. If you were familiar with the community, you would not be as shocked by what youre hearing, I promise you, your Honor.”
In the end, McManus sentenced Ehsan to the maximum 90 days in jail.
“I find this is a serious violation,” the judge said.
The bailiff took Ehsan into custody, and Dettling grinned and pumped her fists in celebration as she left the courthouse.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/tracy_armsup.jpg?w=1400)
Tracy Dettling pumped her fists in victory outside the Dakota County courthouse after seeing Ehsan Karam sentenced to 90 days in jail for breaking a no-contact order Heather Mayer had taken out on him before her death.
The Dakota County jail discharged Ehsan in August, after he served two months. Once released, he traveled to Orlando to stay with Holly Appell.
On Sept. 28, 2022, as Hurricane Ian raged outside, police responded to a 911 call to Hollys apartment. Holly would later testify that shed broken up with Ehsan, and the next morning, while they were still in bed, he wrapped his arms around her throat and squeezed her windpipe until she blacked out. “I said no. I said, I do not consent. I said red, ” she told the judge. “And he told me that my words do not matter.”
Ehsan is charged with assault, battery and a first-degree felony for kidnapping that carries up to life in prison. In early March, in a courtroom in downtown Orlando, he watched blankly from the jury box as Holly testified in a hearing over his bond. Handcuffs fastened his wrists to a metal chain that wrapped around the waist of a blue jumpsuit.
In sworn testimony, Holly recounted how over the next 36 hours, until she was able to message a friend for help from her Apple Watch, Ehsan repeatedly choked her unconscious, took her phone, stripped her naked, locked her in a dark closet for hours and forced her to perform sex acts. He told her he planned to kill her and himself. “I was terrified — he had this look in his eyes,” she said.
Ehsan forced her on the bed and drew the tip of a kitchen knife from her neck to her cheeks, then stuck the blade in her mouth, Holly continued. He told her how he was going to rip off her insulin pump and let her die, she testified. “He also at that point told me that my dad wasnt coming until Friday and that my body would be decomposing by then.”
She said she spent two months in inpatient psychiatric treatment in Tennessee recovering from the attack.
Ehsan pleaded not guilty to the charges. His attorney, Bryce Fetter, said in a court document that Ehsans actions with Holly during the alleged assault and kidnapping were “consensual.”
During the hearing, Fetter said that Ehsan and Holly were in a “relationship that went bad.” He argued Holly had opportunities to escape or call for help and she didnt. Holly also had a history of dishonesty, Fetter said, and he read text messages entered into evidence showing her friends calling Holly a serial liar, saying shed hidden her relationship with Ehsan from them.
The judge denied Ehsan bond, meaning hed remain in jail until his trial, scheduled for June.
In an interview three days after the hearing, Holly said she now looks differently at what happened to Heather and how Ehsan reacted than when she first gave her statement to police almost four years ago. When she defended Ehsan to the officers the day they found Heathers body, she said she truly believed the man she loved — whose responsibility was to protect his submissives — was not capable of hurting one of them. But now she knows thats not true.
“Ehsan disguised abuse as BDSM,” she said. “He has violence in him.”
Holly said she was getting ready for bed the last time she saw Heather alive. She watched Ehsan take Heather into the laundry room and heard them engaging in a BDSM scene from the next room. “I could hear the two of them playing, ” she said.
Ehsan came out of the laundry room, but Heather never did. “He told me she wanted to sleep in there,” said Holly.
Holly didnt see Heather again until the next day, when she found her hanged to death in that room. She said Ehsan seemed distraught as they searched for the key to the chain around her neck, but he “freaked out” when they talked about calling 911. He instructed her and Bella to lie to police and say he hadnt been at the house when it happened, Holly said. And then he ran.
When she thinks back on that night, Holly wonders if Heather would still be alive if she would have gotten up to check on her.
“I really feel like the only people that know what happened are him and Heather,” Holly said. “And obviously Heather cant speak for herself anymore.”
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/holly_h.jpg?w=1400)
Holly Appell testified that after she broke up with Ehsan Karam, he repeatedly choked her unconscious, locked her in a closet and forced her to perform sex acts. Karams attorney said the actions were “consensual.”
Holly is the sixth woman across four states to accuse Ehsan of assault since Heather called 911 on him in April 2019, according to police records. One of those, who participated in this story but asked not to be attached by name to this detail, reported to police that Ehsan forced her to perform oral sex on men in exchange for drugs. The allegation led to no criminal charges. Several said Ehsan posted explicit photos of them, which theyd shared with him privately when they were dating, on social media after they broke up. In one case, the woman said he posted the photos on her own social media account, which her family members followed. For the assault on Heather in April before she died, Ehsan was convicted of obstruction of justice and sentenced to probation; the domestic assault charge was dismissed nearly six months after Heathers death.
Four of the women took out protection orders against Ehsan, and hes been convicted of violating two: Bellas and Heathers. He is still facing charges in Arizona and Florida for allegations of assaulting Stephanie and kidnapping Holly.
Heathers death has spread through social media as a cautionary tale to others in the BDSM community. The fact that its still unsolved sends an implicit message, said Sarah, another member of an online BDSM group, who requested that her last name be withheld for privacy.
“Were not worth pursuing if anything happens — because we asked for it.”
On Dec. 20, Casanova-Roers entered into an agreement with the Minnesota Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility to suspend her law license for 60 days and place her on probation for two years. The investigation, initiated by Dettlings complaint, found Casanova-Roers violated Minnesotas rules of professional conduct when she gave Heather legal advice on how to get the no-contact order lifted. Casanova-Roers failed to disclose to Heather that her interests as Ehsans attorney directly conflicted with those of his victim, the agreement states. The Minnesota Supreme Court enacted the suspension in May.
Jerome Abrams, the judge who dropped Heathers protection order 16 days before her death, declined to comment. Court spokesman Kyle Christopherson said Abrams, who is retired, did not recall Heathers hearing, but that such cases are difficult because judges must rule based on the information presented at the time. “If theyre deceived, then perhaps the ruling isn't going to be in the best interest of the parties,” he said.
Morgan and Bella have started a nonprofit to help victims of domestic violence, called Heather House. Reconnecting over the case ignited a close friendship. They are now roommates. They published a webpage called [“What Happened to Heather?”](https://queenethereal.com/) which contains their accounts of the abuse they suffered under Ehsan as a warning to others. Bella plans to reenroll at the University of Minnesota and finish her degree. She served Ehsan with divorce papers while he was in jail. They officially divorced in December.
Dettling has continued to search for justice for her daughter. She hired a private detective, Mike Lewandowski, to review the case. The former St. Cloud police officer and investigator told the Star Tribune that the South St. Paul officers overlooked red flags from Day One of the investigation in Heathers death, starting from when they told Dettling her daughter killed herself. “The term suicide probably should have been not used,” he said.
Lewandowski said police continued to mishandle the case by throwing a bedsheet over Heathers body, failing to preserve the scene, interviewing witnesses in front of Ehsan and by not investigating Bellas statements about what she saw and heard that night and the next morning.
In September, Lewandowski brought the case to the Bureau of Criminal Apprehension, which assigned an investigator to review it.
The case is still open.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/portraits/ehsan_jail_cropped.jpg?w=625)
Ehsan Karam at a March 3 bond hearing at the Orange County Courthouse in Orlando. He is charged with assault, battery and a first-degree felony for kidnapping that carries up to life in prison.
In those first couple Thanksgivings after Heather died, Tracy Dettling could hardly eat.
She tried to make the holiday nice for the grandchildren that first year. They needed that, she thought. She went to wake Heathers youngest son and noticed hed written the words “Come back mom” in a sharpie on his upper thigh. She was preparing a stuffing later, and all she could think about was that funny mask Heather made every year with Saran wrap or a Ziploc bag to keep from crying when she chopped the onions, and Dettlings brave face would quiver and then collapse.
This past November, on the fourth Thanksgiving since her daughters death, a half hour before the guests were set to arrive, Dettling anxiously checked on the side dishes in the oven, worried she might overcook them. She bumped into her husband, who was carving the turkey in the kitchen, and she laughed and pinched the back of his pants. When it came time for the onions, she decided to make a Saran-wrap mask over her glasses, just to see how well it worked.
Since Heathers death, the court has granted Dettling full custody of her three grandsons. They have grown tall and sturdy, already towering over their grandmother and sprouting facial hair. The second-oldest volunteered to slice the bread and help make the stuffing — the duties his mother performed each year before she died. He ribbed Dettling about cooking too much food — again — and told jokes to fill the time when everything is cooking and the guests had yet to arrive. He remembered the time they all drove up to the Twin Cities with Heather to see “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.” They had to sit in the very front row of the megaplex and all their necks hurt for days after. Jennifer, who was strapped to her electric wheelchair, acknowledged by blinking. A chubby Chihuahua named Margarita watched from under the table.
Dettling laughed at her grandsons jokes and it reminded her of how Heather would make her laugh. She told them all how she spotted a cardinal earlier that day venturing up to the bird feeder on the back deck that hangs over the forest behind her house. Whenever they see one, she explained, “We always say, ah, Heathers peeking in on us.
There was a knock and the sound of the dinner guests walking in the house, and Dettling moved to the door.
![](https://ststatic.stimg.co/assets/news/heather-assets/handouts/heatherandboys.jpg)
Heather Mayer and her sons.
#### How we reported this story
The reporting for this story began in 2021, when Tracy Dettling contacted Star Tribune reporter Andy Mannix regarding the unsolved death of her daughter, Heather Mayer. Dettling was convinced police had not conducted a thorough investigation, in part because of Heathers lifestyle in the BDSM world.
What began as a story about a mothers search for justice expanded in scope as Mannix began investigating the events leading up to the death of Heather, and how law enforcement and the courts handled her case. About a year into the reporting, Ehsan Karam, the man Heather was living with at the time of her death, was charged with assaulting women in Arizona and Florida. Others who knew Ehsan, including his estranged wife, came forward to police alleging that Karam had assaulted them as well, and they agreed to share their stories with Mannix.
The story relied heavily on records — both public and non-public — obtained through data requests and provided by sources, as well as dozens of interviews. Mannix and photographer Renée Jones Schneider also traveled to Tucson, Ariz., Omaha, Orlando and several locations in Minnesota to complete the reporting.
The description of the South St. Paul Police Departments response on July 4, 2019, comes from a combination of body-camera footage from multiple officers, crime scene photos, Hennepin County Medical Examiner records, police reports and interviews with people who were present that day. The reporters interviewed experts in the BDSM subculture and members of an online BDSM group Heather helped moderate. Several talked on the condition of anonymity, citing concerns that stigma around their lifestyle could negatively impact their families and professional lives.
The quotes from police interviews with witnesses come from the official recordings of those conversations made by the officers, supplemented by the officers notes and reports. All dialogue from court proceedings is quoted verbatim from transcripts.
Many people named in the story declined or ignored requests to be interviewed, including: Ehsan Karam, Jennifer Casanova-Roers, Kathy Keena, South St. Paul Police Chief Brian Wicke, former Chief Bill Messerich, officer Phillip Oeffling and other members of the South St. Paul Police Department. To represent their side of the story, Mannix quoted their statements on the case from police reports, court records and transcripts, interview recordings, body-camera footage and their writing.
Tracy Dettling gave Mannix access to Heathers phone, which contained the text and private social media messages cited in this story. The phone also contained videos and photos of the violence described in the story. To corroborate their allegations, other women in the story also provided text messages, photos and videos of the verbal abuse and physical violence they endured. They allowed the Star Tribune to independently view all materials cited in this story, including those turned over to law enforcement. Some of the photos were posted to social media.
The description of the meeting between Dettling and Keena comes from a combination of interviews with Dettling and a copy of the letter Keena wrote explaining why her office did not file charges. Dettling also shared her correspondence with law enforcement over the case.
In cases where no record existed, the reporters relied on interviews with the people who were present to recreate those scenes, such as the final phone call between Dettling and her daughter.
Every minute nearly 20 people are victims of intimate partner violence, according to the [National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.](https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS) If youre a victim, help is available through organizations such as the [Minnesota Day One](http://dayoneservices.org/) confidential crisis hotline (1-866-223-1111) and the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) (1-800-799-7233). If youre having suicidal thoughts, call the [National Suicide Prevention Lifeline](https://988lifeline.org/) at 988.
**[Contact reporter Andy Mannix](mailto:andy.mannix@startribune.com) if you would like to share your feedback on this story. You can also share your feedback with Star Tribune editors at [editor@startribune.com.](mailto:editor@startribune.com)**
#### Credits
**Reporting** Andy Mannix
**Photography and Videography** Renee Jones Schneider
**Editing** Eric Wieffering, Deb Pastner, Emily Johnson, Jenni Pinkley, Mark Vancleave, Abby Simons, Trisha Collopy, Valerie Reichel
**Design** Anna Boone, Josh Jones, Josh Penrod, Greg Mees
**Development** Anna Boone, Jamie Hutt
**Audience Engagement** Nancy Yang, Sara Porter, Ashley Miller
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# The Damning Details That Led JPMorgan Chase to Settle With Epsteins Victims
![](https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/0c9/c92/e6de322f4601e89cc6d6c528f9b61b682b-chase-epstein.rsquare.w700.jpg)
Photo: Yuki Iwamura/Bloomberg via Getty Images
Money created Jeffrey Epstein. From his 1990s friendship with Victorias Secret billionaire [Les Wexner](https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/06/inside-jeffrey-epsteins-decades-long-relationship-with-his-biggest-client) to his relationships with top financiers like Jes Staley and Leon Black, he used his proximity to endless amounts of it to create and run his monstrous child-sex-trafficking operation for decades. The cash let him travel indiscriminately through the echelons of cultural power, doing work for Noam Chomsky, the head of the CIA, and the general counsel of Goldman Sachs, according to published accounts of his [calendar](https://www.wsj.com/articles/jeffrey-epstein-calendar-cia-director-goldman-sachs-noam-chomsky-c9f6a3ff). Critical to all this was Epsteins close ties to Wall Street, which he maintained at two of the worlds most powerful banks: JPMorgan Chase and then, when that ended, Deutsche Bank. For the past seven months, a group of anonymous victims has been suing those banks for propping up Epstein and allegedly ignoring red flags because he brought so many prestigious, wealthy clients along with him. On Monday morning, JPMorgan Chase announced it had settled with Epsteins victims over its alleged role in banking his child-sex-trafficking operation. It is likely the most significant settlement yet — but its unlikely to be the end of [Wall Streets reckoning with Epstein](https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/04/wall-streets-jeffrey-epstein-reckoning-is-coming.html).
The settlement came as things were starting to look conspicuously bad for the bank, with evidence increasingly pointing toward JPMorgans knowing full well it was doing business with a monster. On Monday, just hours after the bank settled with the Jane Does, U.S. Virgin Islands prosecutors made public some of the banks internal communications about Epstein. “Discovery confirms that JPMorgan knowingly, recklessly, and unlawfully provided and pulled the levers through which Epsteins recruiters and victims were paid and was indispensable to the operation and concealment of Epsteins trafficking,” the prosecutors wrote in a new filing on Monday. “JPMorgan had real-time information on Epsteins payments that the government did not and had specific legal duties to report this information to law-enforcement authorities, which it intentionally decided not to do.”
The details are damning. Going back to 2007, a lawyer for the bank connected a money transfer from Epstein to a child whom he had at one point called his “Yugoslavian sex slave.” In 2008, prior to Epsteins first conviction, one of his bankers wrote in an internal email, “We need to have the felony he pleads guilty to. So march. No one wants him.” (This appears to be a projection of what the bank would tell him: march, as in, go take a walk. Instead, the bank kept him as a client for another five years). Also that year, Catherine Keating, who is now CEO of Bank of New York Mellon Wealth Management, didnt want to retain Epstein after his conviction. Other internal documents call him “known child sleaze” and say that “no one on todays call was in favor of having retained \[Epstein\] as a client.” The banks head of enforcement investigated “whether or not Jeffrey Epstein was continuing to be involved in criminal activity, namely human trafficking,” and told top executives — including Staley (former CEO of JPMorgan Chases powerful wealth-management arm), Mary Erdoes (his successor), and Keating — that “this is not an honorable person in any way. He should not be a client.”
It looks as though the settlement is a way for the bank to stem an avalanche of otherwise bad news. Also on Monday, Manhattan federal judge Jed Rakoff certified the class status of the Jane Does, meaning they can proceed with their class-action lawsuit on behalf of dozens, if not more than 100, victims. Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan Chases long-time CEO, was just deposed in May. Related litigation pitted Staley against the bank, and he [reportedly](https://www.wsj.com/articles/jamie-dimon-says-he-never-discussed-jeffrey-epsteins-accounts-at-jpmorgan-jes-staley-says-dimon-did-b11f0da5?mod=hp_lead_pos1) claims he had conversations with Dimon about keeping Epstein on as a client. (The bank [denies](https://www.cnbc.com/2023/05/31/jpmorgan-dimon-epstein-staley.html) this). A filing made by the Jane Does late on Friday accused JPMorgan of “producing documents at an inexplicably slow rate,” which had apparently stunted some of the fact-finding during the deposition process, and sought to reopen it.
For now, details of the settlement are private. (Bloomberg reported it would be as high as [$290 million](https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2023-06-12/jpmorgan-set-to-pay-290-million-to-settle-epstein-victims-suit?srnd=premium). Ultimately, it has to be approved by the court). Still, for the victims, this is a giant amount of money. Just last month, Deutsche Bank settled with them for $75 million, and the JPMorgan deal was probably significantly higher since Epstein had been a Chase client for more than 15 years. “The settlements that have been reached are both life changing and historic for the survivors,” said Sigrid McCawley, co-counsel for the victims. David Boies, another co-counsel for the victims, paraphrased a line from the 1973 comedy *The Sting*: “I feel like Johnny Hooker — [its not enough, but its close](https://youtu.be/EmDQiL3UNj4?t=139).”
As with everything related to Epstein, the public interest is huge. There is still a void in our understanding of how he was able to coerce, rape, and traffic so many underage girls for so long and with such impunity. Often, settlements signal the endpoint of the publics understanding of an alleged crime, an agreement to end discovery, subpoenas, depositions, and all other manners of fact-finding. In this case, though, its unlikely to be the end of what we know. The settlement has no effect on the U.S. Virgin Islands case, and a spokesman for the Attorney General there said the office “will continue to proceed with its enforcement action to ensure full accountability for JPMorgans violations of law and prevent the bank from assisting and profiting from human trafficking in the future.” Nor does it stop the civil litigation between the bank and Staley, who had courted and befriended Epstein. Staley denies doing anything wrong, but the paper trail between them isnt typical banker talk. “That was fun. Say hi to Snow White,” Staley once emailed to Epstein in 2010. The banker visited Epsteins island, went to visit him in London, and was apparently a close friend. Epstein lobbied for Staley to become CEO of Barclays, one of the U.K.s biggest banks. (His relationship with Epstein is why Staley was ultimately ousted from the bank in 2021, and Barclays is now considering [clawing back](https://www.reuters.com/business/barclays-calls-allegations-against-former-ceo-staley-serious-new-2023-03-27/) some compensation as more information has come to light).
When JPMorgan announced its settlement, the bank acknowledged its regrets in dealing with Epstein but stopped just shy of admitting responsibility. “We all now understand that Epsteins behavior was monstrous, and we believe this settlement is in the best interest of all parties, especially the survivors, who suffered unimaginable abuse at the hands of this man,” a JPMorgan spokeswoman said in a statement. “Any association with him was a mistake, and we regret it. We would never have continued to do business with him if we believed he was using our bank in any way to help commit heinous crimes.” The evidence released in other cases throws that last statement into question. Whether the bank will admit responsibility further down the line remains to be seen.
Why JPMorgan Chase Settled With Epsteins Victims
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# The Disease of More
- Published
6/8/2023
- By
Kevin Van Valkenburg
When Pat Riley was coaching the Los Angeles Lakers in the 1980s, he came up with a term to explain why all dynasties eventually fall. Typically, they arent toppled from the outside. Most implode from within. He called it the Disease of More.
Athletes, by nature, are addicted to achievement. Its part of what separates them from mortals. If they win one championship, theyre briefly satisfied, but the feeling soon fades and they are desperate for more. If they earn a million dollars, theyre ecstatic, but before long, it seems insufficient. They are convinced they need more. More of everything, more commercials, more followers on social media, more houses, more influence, even more romantic partners. The same forces that inspire you to work hard to get everything you ever wanted eventually consume you. Your wants simply mushroom. Millionaires long to be billionaires. Billionaires long to be kings.
Golf is currently afflicted with the Disease of More.
It has infected everything — the players, the executives, and even some of the media that covers it. (Were not innocent here.) And while you can admire the ambition of someone who sees millions in their bank account and stews over the fact that its not yet billions, this particular strain of the Disease of More seems so contagious, there is a real chance it ends up consuming the sports entire essence.
I was thinking this week, after the news broke that the PGA Tour was going to partner with the Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia, about the reasons I fell in love with the game of golf.
They had a lot to do with Phil Mickelson if Im being honest.
There was something magnetic about his rapscallion charm on a golf course. I had a begrudging respect for Tiger Woods, but I found it hard to root for perfection. It took me years to warm up to him. I was drawn, instead, to someone who seemed more human, more vulnerable. Mickelson could be a swashbuckling fool, sure, but he was my fool.
![](https://cdn.sanity.io/images/96if0dtl/dev/addc7b19fd17788f2cd2903755da530e1a326eec-3000x2107.jpg?w=880&fit=max&auto=format)
![](https://cdn.sanity.io/images/96if0dtl/dev/addc7b19fd17788f2cd2903755da530e1a326eec-3000x2107.jpg?fit=max&auto=format)
On the golf course where I learned the game, there was a hole that I loved, a sharp dogleg left that was framed by rugged pine trees. The green was driveable — if you were willing to court disaster. It was a blind shot. Short was dead but so was long. You had no idea if youd pulled off the shot until you reached the green. To hit an iron to the corner of the dogleg was the sensible play, it was only a wedge from there, but I couldn't resist trying to cut the corner, teeing the ball high and launching a drive up over the trees. I did it because thats what Phil would do, chase the adrenaline rush. No feeling on a golf course has ever matched the rush of rounding the corner, squinting to see if my ball had landed on the green or bounded into the woods.
I dont think Ive ever rooted harder for someone than I did for Mickelson during the final round of the 2004 Masters. I jumped off my couch after each back nine birdie, desperately trying to will him to victory through the pixels of my television screen. The neighbors of my Baltimore row house were livid, pounding our shared walls to implore me to quiet down, but for a few hours, I didnt care how impolite I was. I was invested in Mickelsons journey, having suffered through all the disappointments, and this was the payoff.
I never once gave a single shit how much money Mickelson won that day.
Or any day, for that matter. It was the thrill of the chase that mattered.
I understand why Mickelson cared about the money. The value he brought to the game — the loyalty of people like me — allowed the PGA Tour and the majors to reap billions of dollars over the course of his career. By his estimate (and I think he was correct) people like him and Tiger offered the PGA Tour more value than they were receiving in return. Endorsement money was nice, but why shouldnt Mickelson get an extra piece of the pie when people were clearly tuning in to see him play, not Kirk Triplett or Briny Baird?
Phil Mickelson wanted more. And he probably deserved more. Those frustrations set in motion seismic changes within the sport, but now we have reached a moment where the PGA Tour is trying to become the first American sport that is no longer tethered to reality.
The Disease of More has essentially removed fans from that equation. We no longer matter. Someone else is eager to foot a massive bill, and they would prefer you do not ask questions as to why.
Should we care?
It makes for an interesting thought exercise.
In every other sport, compensation has to be tied to revenue. Revenue has to be driven by interest, whether its measured in eyeballs tuning in, or tickets purchased. The Baltimore Ravens, for example, could sign Lamar Jackson to a $260 million contract this spring, the largest in NFL history, because a huge pile of money is generated by the interest in his abilities. If the interest in Jackson — or in similarly-talented players like Patrick Mahomes — suddenly waned, NFL players would eventually need to reflect that. Jackson might want more money, but the basic economic principles of profits and losses being tethered to each other would make it impossible.
Golf, though, is not the NFL. It is a niche sport, and it always has been. There was a time when Tiger nearly dragged it into the mainstream, and you could argue he deserved $200 million in guaranteed money, but that time has come and gone. He is not limping through that door any time soon. A lot of people in golf want to be paid like Lamar Jackson, but their skills (based on profits and losses) did not warrant similar compensation, and this was a frustrating reality to accept, so they have simply chosen not to accept it. The Saudis were happy to step in and satiate that economic insecurity.
What the last few weeks have revealed about golf is that, at the highest level, virtually everyone is a bullshit artist who has been duplicitous enough to say whatever the moment called for in order to justify their position. None of this, it turns out, has ever had anything to do with the 9/11 families, human rights concerns, LGBTQ rights, growing the game, shotgun starts, golf in Australia or disrupting the PGA Tours monopoly.
It was about power and money. Everyone at the top wanted more.
I still think there is a good chance this deal doesnt go through, that it was hastily scrambled together by people desperate to save face. The Department of Justice, by all indications, will want to closely scrutinize everything. And there are a number of players — ones who showed glimpses of principle over the last year only to be blindsided by their commissioner — who are furious.
Whatever it is that PGA Tour executives and the Saudis are attempting to build, it has nothing to do with the people who love and watch the sport. Its a passthrough that helps money and influence get redistributed. The golf is now completely secondary.
Theyre going to hope youll support it, the way you always have, but let this week serve as a reminder that you dont have to. Here is the brutal truth about the PGA Tour: Its greatest value has always been providing context for the majors. I grew aware of Phil Mickelson because he was a character on a weekly television show called the PGA Tour, but I only *cared* about him because of the majors. You can still watch and enjoy the majors without giving a second thought to the phony Sturm und Drang of the FedExCup. The majors may not be pure, but they still represent something more than a soulless cash grab.
The Saudis can buy up almost everything, and almost anyone, as long as the world runs on oil. But the reasons you love the game dont have to go up for sale.
Find yourself a dogleg with a blind green, tee it high and swing boldly. Sip a cold beer and see how much of the afternoon sunshine you can possibly inhale.
The people squabbling over giant piles of money, because they can never be comfortable as long as someone else has more, will still be there if you ever want to return.
*Kevin Van Valkenburg is the Editorial Director at No Laying Up.*
*kvv@nolayingup.com*
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```
^button-3daysinsidetheworldofCanadiancheerleadingNSave
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# Three days inside the sparkly, extremely hard-core world of Canadian cheerleading
Tap or scroll past to hide video
It was the third and final day of the Canadian Cheer National Championships in Niagara Falls, and the Golden Girls were feeling fierce.
The GGs, as they called themselves, had done their warm-ups and gone through their rituals. Theyd screamed together in the foyer of the Niagara Falls Convention Centre, shouting out the doubt and negativity, anything that could hold them back. Theyd run their routine, working their pyramids and tumbling and baskets and dance over and over and in their minds so many more times than that until its relentless rhythm was as natural as breathing. Theyd stretched into splits, lifted their legs into standing scales, flipped and tumbled down the practice mats. Theyd stood swaying together in a circle, two dozen teenagers and women with their arms wrapped around each other, singing Lady Gaga at the top of their lungs.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/1Sec_A_GG_pyramid.jpg)
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/1Sec_B_spins.jpg)
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/1Sec_C_GGs.jpg)
The CheerForce WolfPack Golden Girls over the course of the weekend.
“Take it in, but remember this is what you trained for,” their coach, Jess Montoya had told them, her raspy voice straining over the raucous noise of a backstage hallway. She was a former cheerleader who went to university for child and youth psychology, but kept coming back to cheer. “Chill out, take it moment by moment. Enjoy it.”
Outside, the sun was shining, other groups of girls glimmering in constellations on the grass.
The CheerForce WolfPack Golden Girls and the Cheer Sport Great White Sharks are two of the most prominent and closely watched teams in the rapidly developing world of Canadian cheer. Going into Nationals in April, the Great White Sharks were five-time world champions and the subject of Canadian reality show *Cheer Squad*, a team known for precise and beautiful routines, for stunts that pushed the limits of what seemed possible.
But the Golden Girls had been circling, coming second to the Great Whites at Worlds in Florida last year, nipping behind them in Dallas in February, placing second at the Face-Off event on Friday night.
The idea of a rivalry between the teams was a bit overhyped the effect of social media, and maybe the American influence, where “cheerlebrities” and cheer fan accounts could be dramatic and mean. But while the Great White Sharks and the Golden Girls respected each other, there was no doubt both teams were there to win.
Going into their second and final routine for Nationals on Sunday, the Golden Girls were in first place. It was the end of the season, the last chance at Nationals for some of them.
They had 2½ minutes.![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/preview/cheer/assets/button_fx.svg)
The Niagara Falls Convention Centre began filling up first thing Friday morning. There were, according to their T-shirts, Proud Cheer Moms and #1 Cheer Dads. There were cheer siblings and cheer grandparents, entire families decked out in cheer hoodies and cheer T-shirts and cheer paraphernalia, team regalia to rival any crowd of die-hard sports fans. By the time the first teams took the stage, the line outside the ProCheer apparel store stretched 20 minutes or more.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/2Sec_A_crowd.jpg)
Cheer Dads and Cheer Moms with teammates from Legacy Allstarz in Laval, Que., show their support for athletes on the competition's first day.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/2Sec_B_splitsmom.jpg)
Demonstrating flexibility in the halls of the convention centre for members of the Under 6 Twinkles from CheerForce in Oakville, Ont.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/2Sec_C_makeup.jpg)
Stacey Slute finishes her daughter Baylees eye makeup while brother Dallas waits ahead of her performance.
“Its pretty intense,” said Janine Furtado, rolling her 15-year-old daughters ponytail into fat ringlets with a curling iron plugged into a hallway wall.
Like many of those at Nationals, Janine and her husband didnt know anything about cheer until their daughter, Summer, got into it. Before that, they thought cheer was all pep rallies and rah-rah-sis-boom-bah, old-fashioned sideline cheerleading, where girls led chants and waved pompoms alongside a football game.
Now, they knew it was nothing like that. This cheer wasnt about pumping up the crowd for a mens sport. Cheer was the sport. These teams cheered only for themselves and for other cheer teams.
Four years in, cheer was how they spent their weekends, their family vacations, a significant amount of their money. Janines husband, Jay Jankowsky, soon found himself with a collection of Cheer Dad shirts and a deep appreciation for both the athleticism and high-stakes nature of cheer competition. It would be hard not to get into it, seeing how much dedication and teamwork it took, how hard the girls trained: two practices a week at least, plus private tumbling lessons. So much effort for competitions won or lost in two, 2½-minute routines.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/3Sec_A_crashzoom.jpg)
Beach Cheer Athletics RipTide perform a toe-touch jump. The team and crowd often yell “hit” timed to these jumps.
“Literally every single girl has to work together for a routine to hit, so its all about teamwork,” Janine said. “If anything goes wrong, they hurt pretty hard, too. They feel like theyre letting their team down.”
Nearby, one of Summers teammates was hunched over, looking pale, sick with a fever as another teammate opened a bottle of Tylenol and calculated the dose. “Theres always one,” Janine said sympathetically.
A group of girls danced around, singing Taylor Swift at full volume.
The Canadian Cheer National Championships is the largest tournament in Canadian cheer. This year, 8,000 athletes journeyed from around the country to compete at Nationals, with at least double that number of supporters paying to watch. The youngest competitors were five, the oldest in their 40s. Some of the 428 teams, including both the Golden Girls and Great White Sharks, would be heading to the world cheer competition in Orlando the following week.
“Its a bit of a subculture. You come here and youre just like, What is even happening? Its this whole other world,” said Ali Moffatt, a former cheerleader who coaches the Great White Sharks and is co-owner of Cheer Sport Sharks, Canadas largest cheer gym. “We always say that to new families when theyre joining the gym. The first year, youre going to be like, What have I started? And all of a sudden, youre just addicted to it.”
In all-star cheer, teams of up to 32 people compete by performing short, highly technical acrobatic routines in unison at the highest energy, with scores based on execution, difficulty, creativity and showmanship.
Many come from gymnastics and dance, drawn by cheers unique amalgamation of athletics, entertainment and teamwork.
There are places for all kinds of bodies in cheer small flyers, lithe tumblers, powerful bases and with seven different skill levels and no upper age limit, virtually anyone can find a place. Though there are co-ed teams, cheer in Canada is overwhelmingly female, with girls and women making up an estimated 98 per cent of competitors.
There is nothing quite like cheer, which combines the hyper-feminine aesthetic of a pageant with the posturing and swagger of boxing, the performative flair of pro wrestling, the tribal fandom of football and the raucous atmosphere of a rock concert.
“If you go into a cheer practice, kids are sweating, sometimes crying, bleeding. This is intense,” said Jess Montoya, the Golden Girls coach. “Its a hardcore sport.”
Lest the false eyelashes and giant hair bows obscure its intensity, team names Wicked, Wrath, Chaos, Mayhem, Reckless, Savage, Vengeance, Defiance, Furious, Cheer Beast, Black Widows illustrate cheers bedazzled mix of “You go, girl” and “Come at me, bro.”
Cheer has exploded in Canada since Ali Moffatt opened her first Cheer Sport gym in Ontario 20 years ago, and continues to grow. Where gyms once had to seek out kids, there are now 700 sharks of various ages training at her nine Cheer Sport locations around the country, and competing gyms opening all the time.
“I think people underestimate the athleticism thats required to do it until they fully see it. I dont think anyone would see what a team like Great Whites is doing and say it wasnt a sport,” she said. “Any time someone says that to me, Im just like, Youve got to see what my girls do. And the minute they do, theyre like, Oh, okay, this is insane. They get it. You just have to watch it.”
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/4Sec_A_maddyeye.jpg)
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/4Sec_B_shoulder.jpg)
Nineteen-year-old Maddy Hickey stood still near the window of an Airbnb, waiting while her mother re-watched an instructional video on YouTube, preparing to tape Maddys shoulder before competition.
“All the doctors Ive seen are like, Rest. Rest. Im like, Sorry, no, I have Nationals and then Worlds, I literally cant, ” Maddy said. Her mother, Tanya, winced. Being a cheer parent is not for the faint of heart.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/4Sec_C_makeup.jpg)
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/4Sec_D_selfie-2.jpg)
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/4Sec_E_lift.jpg)
Maddy Hickey gets her shoulder taped, does her hair and makeup, records a TikTok video and practises with her teammates before her Saturday performance.
Cheer is no small commitment. There are the practices (mandatory) and the costs (significant): $500 for the team uniform, replaced every two years, $150 for cheer shoes that may not last a season, and up to $8,000 a year in gym and competition fees and travel, more at the higher levels.
In nine years of cheer, Maddy knew well how physically punishing it could be. Shed had her nose broken, been kicked in the jaw, torn her rotator cuff twice, gotten a concussion, had her finger crushed, and was now going into Nationals with a separated shoulder. One of her friends had blown out her knee so badly shed never fully recovered, never mind been able to cheer again.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/5Sec_A_pain.jpg)
Maddy Hickey with her mom, Tanya, following her Saturday performance.
Maddy was on PCT Legendary, a co-ed team in Level 7, the most advanced level in cheer. In the routine later that day, a girl would stand on top of Maddys shoulders, and another girl would be lifted on top of that. It didnt seem like the best thing to do with a separated shoulder, but when Maddys coach asked if they should bring in an alternate, Maddy cried and told her: “I will literally cut my arm off and go there with one arm.”
“It brings me so much happiness,” she said. “I love, love, love it. It brings me so much joy.”
Pushing through injury and pain is a mark of pride for many athletes, a display of tenacity and grit. But its perhaps less expected in cheer, where swinging ponytails and big smiles can belie the seriousness and extremity of the pursuit. In 2006, when American cheerleader Kristi Yamaoka fell 15 feet onto her head, she continued the motions of her routine even while being wheeled away on a stretcher with a concussion and a broken neck.
“Youre always proving yourself to other people. Its a very underestimated sport,” said Maddy. “People dont think youre strong. And then when you go out there and you hit it, youre like, Watch this.’”![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/preview/cheer/assets/button_fx.svg)
When people ask Maddy what football team she cheers for as still sometimes happens she pulls up a video of one of her teams routines, and tells them, “I cheer for myself.”
With 8,000 athletes each performing their routines twice at Nationals all those bodies flying and flipping and twisting together at high velocity there was a running ledger of sprained ankles and jammed wrists, a shoulder dislocation, an ugly finger break that needed surgery.
“The highs are high, and the lows are low,” said Bruce Baldock, sitting next to his 13-year-old daughter, Alyssa, amid the hubbub of the convention centre on Saturday.
The previous year, the whole right side of her teams pyramid had collapsed on the final day of Nationals, an instant loss. She was a flyer, and in practice and competition, he had known the helpless, sickening feeling of seeing his daughter tossed at the wrong angle, knowing no one would be able to catch her.
“Its hard to keep smiling, but you have to. You have to tough it out,” Alyssa said brightly. She was in her fifth year of cheer, competing with the Cheer Sport Spinner Sharks. “Even if you get kicked in the face by a girl, you have to keep smiling.”
Vomiting from nerves, from the intense physicality, or from performing through illness is common enough that there are bins ready off stage, and a procedure to clean the mats when it happens during a routine.
“Im not just the vomit guy,” stressed Mario Carito, a former football and rugby player who got into cheer at 18, ultimately choosing it over rugby at college. He works about a dozen cheer competitions a year including Nationals, tending to the mats, running water stations, passing out the coveted Nationals competition blankets, setting up wheelchair ramps for the Cheerabilities athletes.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/6Sec_A_mario.jpg)
Mario Carito, a former competitor, cleans a mat on the first day of competition.
But its the barf that makes him a cheerlebrity, of sorts. As Mario headed onto the stage with his wet vac and disinfectant kit for the 10th time, the audience was dancing to Mambo No. 5 and chanting his name.
“Its kind of like at the hockey game when everyone cheers for the Zamboni guy,” he said. “Its a rough task, but were trying to make it fun for everyone.”
The world of cheer is, if it needs to be said, extremely even relentlessly cheerful.
As Nationals wound to its final performances on Sunday afternoon, the hallways of the convention centre were littered with a chaos of streamers and dotted with glitter.
It had been three full days of wild energy and thumping music. There had been constant and uncountable hugs and squeals and woo-hoos and pep talks and selfies, spontaneous singalongs and exuberant hallway dance parties.
There had been supporters chanting and cheering and pounding the floor, athletes singing and screaming, unrestrained female voices at full volume, with no one even thinking to tell them to be quieter.
There had been fogs of hairspray, gallons of energy drink, mounds of candy.
And there had been tears so many different kinds of tears. Tears of physical pain, of frustration, of disappointment, of joy and pride and accomplishment, slipping down the faces of athletes and coaches and supporters alike.
“Its beautiful. Everything is so crazy,” said Ziggy G, a former nightclub bouncer working security at the cheer competition for the first time. In one tradition, cheerleaders decorate clothespins and slip them onto other athletes backpacks for luck. As the weekend went on, Ziggy Gs lanyard and ID tag were increasingly full of colourful pins with messages like, “Get it!” and “You rock!”
“Its crazy how popular it is, and how much people get into it,” he said. “The best thing is to see all those cheerleaders being so happy.”
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/8Sec_A_Ziggy.jpg)
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/9Sec_A_practicegym.jpg)
The Golden Girls and the Great White Sharks warmed up across from each other in the practice gym on Sunday afternoon. Their custom songs blared from two separate sound systems, electronic dance music pulsing with deep beat drops and laser pews telling their team stories for the season, clashing in a chaos of noise somewhere in the space between.
“There must be blood in the water, I can smell it from a mile away. Its a feast of fear. Theres no one to save you,” the Great Whites music roared.
“Work hard! Dream big! You can be anything you want,” pulsed the Golden Girls Barbie-themed song. “Independent, so resilient, forget about Ken.”
After being dismissed and discounted for much of its history, cheer is increasingly being acknowledged as something more than a perky appurtenance for male athletics. The International Olympic Committee officially recognized cheer in 2021, paving the way for it to become an Olympic event as early as 2028, and perhaps settling once and for all for anyone who still doubts it the question of whether cheer is a sport.
The Great White Sharks ran onto the stage.
In All-Girl Level 6, routines are made up of a series of acrobatic stunts, pyramids and tumbling, finishing with a choreographed dance.
With so many athletes performing at once, it takes at least eight judges to watch and score the elements of the routine.
Hitting zero performing a routine with no deductions is a source of great pride. While it doesnt guarantee a win, it means the team never faltered.
The Great Whites looked flawless.
“Did they hit?” I asked Ali, as the team ran off stage 2½ minutes later, a blur of white and sparkles.
“There was one slight thing. I dont know how the judges will call it,” she said, worriedly walking to the video screen backstage to view the replay. When it was done, she turned around, relieved. “I think they hit.”
The Golden Girls gathered in the dark backstage, finding a moment of calm amid the thunderous noise. Their coach, Jess Montoya, had taught them to focus inward and fuel their minds with positive thoughts in those moments, replaying every practice, every competition, every time their routine had gone right.
Then the Golden Girls took the stage, a swarm of black and pink and rhinestones catching the light. Jess clapped from the floor, making sure they sensed her confidence in them. It was a challenging routine, and theyd never hit it twice in a row at competition this year. But she knew they could.
*Hi, Im Barbie.* Their music started and 24 girls burst into motion, a synchronicity of bodies flying into the air, balanced atop pyramids, dropping into baskets of their teammates arms. They launched themselves into strings of backflips, jumped up into splits.
They vamped and stamped, hands clenched into fists, full of grace and power.
Then, as a flyer spun a pirouette atop her teammates uplifted hands, a momentary loss of balance. It was the final moment of the final stunt, the last seconds of the routine. The flyer swayed, missing her teammates outstretched arms, then toppled backwards toward the ground.
There were gasps and groans in the crowd.
On stage, faces flickered, registering panic then dismay, before springing back into broad smiles as they recovered and finished the routine. The Golden Girls left the stage, gathering grimly around the screen to watch their video. They had been so close.
“Do not give up,” Jess told them. “We just have to be good to one another. You cant blame each other, and we have to move on.”
The team broke into smaller groups and drifted away into hugs, getting water, trading congratulations and condolences with the Great Whites, finding parents and supporters many decked out in Golden Girls shirts and Barbie pink accessories also feeling the crush of disappointment.
“Were there for each other,” said 18-year-old Steph Miles, another of the teams flyers, standing outside in the sun later, after the Golden Girls collected their second-place banner.
“We all know that its not one persons fault,” she said. “We all take the hit as a team.”
By the next morning, the Golden Girls were back in their group chat. The messages popped up on coach Jess Montoyas phone one after the other.
“I had a huge cry on the ride home because I freaking love this team so much,” one said.
And another: “These are the moments were gonna remember. And are a reminder that we are nothing without each other.”
The Golden Girls would be back at the gym that evening. There would be taped ankles and bruised thighs, old injuries and fresh pain. Theyd wear their matching blue CheerForce shirts and their pink CheerForce shorts, and theyd work their routine, finding their smiles and that place they called their “golden bubble,” where all that mattered was their team and what they could do together. Looking ahead to Worlds, to next season, to another chance to hit zero.
![](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/files/interactive/sports/cheer/assets/images/11Sec_A_end.jpg)
Streamers fly at the awards ceremony for the pre-competitive teams.
- Editing by **Lisan Jutras**
- Photo editing by **Solana Cain**
- Development by **Jeremy Agius**
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- [x] 🐟 Salmon fillet ✅ 2022-10-29
&emsp;
@ -146,7 +146,7 @@ style: number
- [x] 🌾 Bulgur ✅ 2022-10-29
- [x] 🍚 Rice ✅ 2023-05-29
- [x] 🥔 Potatoes ✅ 2023-04-07
- [x] 🥣 Soup ✅ 2023-03-06
- [x] 🥣 Soup ✅ 2023-06-12
&emsp;
@ -176,7 +176,7 @@ style: number
- [x] 🌿 Bay leaves ✅ 2022-08-05
- [x] 🌿 Oregano ✅ 2022-03-14
- [x] 🌿 Herbes de Provence ✅ 2022-03-14
- [x] 🌿 Coriander ✅ 2023-05-29
- [x] 🌿 Coriander ✅ 2023-06-12
- [x] 🌿 Parsley ✅ 2023-04-18
- [x] 🌿 Fresh mint ✅ 2023-01-09
@ -186,13 +186,13 @@ style: number
- [x] 🌭 Mustard ✅ 2022-12-24
- [x] 🫒 Olive oil ✅ 2022-07-30
- [x] 🥑 Avocado oil ✅ 2023-04-07
- [x] 🥑 Avocado oil ✅ 2023-06-15
- [x] 🥗 Vinegar ✅ 2023-01-19
- [x] 🥣 Beef broth ✅ 2022-08-05
- [x] 🥣 Chicken broth ✅ 2023-04-18
- [x] 🥣 Vegetable broth ✅ 2022-08-05
- [x] 🧂 Salt ✅ 2022-10-19
- [x] 🧂 Pepper (black) ✅ 2022-10-19
- [x] 🧂 Pepper (black) ✅ 2023-06-15
- [x] 🧂 Pepper (white) ✅ 2022-10-19
- [x] 🥒 Gherkins ✅ 2023-01-10
@ -206,8 +206,8 @@ style: number
#### Kitchen stuff
- [x] 🗞 Aluminium foil ✅ 2023-01-18
- [x] 🗞 Parchement ✅ 2023-01-18
- [x] 🗞 Aluminium foil ✅ 2023-06-15
- [x] 🗞 Parchement ✅ 2023-06-15
&emsp;

@ -78,7 +78,8 @@ style: number
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-05-23 ✅ 2023-05-22
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-05-09 ✅ 2023-05-08
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Paper* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-04-25 ✅ 2023-04-24
- [ ] ♻ [[Household]]: *Cardboard* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-06-13
- [ ] ♻ [[Household]]: *Cardboard* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-06-27
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Cardboard* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-06-13 ✅ 2023-06-12
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Cardboard* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-05-30 ✅ 2023-05-30
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Cardboard* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-05-16 ✅ 2023-05-15
- [x] ♻ [[Household]]: *Cardboard* recycling collection %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Tuesday 📅 2023-05-02 ✅ 2023-05-01
@ -91,7 +92,8 @@ style: number
- [ ] 🛎️ :house: [[Household]]: Pay rent %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the last 📅 2023-06-30
- [x] 🛎️ :house: [[Household]]: Pay rent %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the last 📅 2023-05-31 ✅ 2023-05-30
- [x] 🛎️ :house: [[Household]]: Pay rent %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the last 📅 2023-04-30 ✅ 2023-04-26
- [ ] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-06-12
- [ ] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-06-19
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-06-12 ✅ 2023-06-12
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-06-05 ✅ 2023-06-03
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-05-29 ✅ 2023-05-29
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-05-22 ✅ 2023-05-22
@ -99,7 +101,8 @@ style: number
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-05-08 ✅ 2023-05-06
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-05-01 ✅ 2023-05-01
- [x] 🛎 🧻 REMINDER [[Household]]: check need for toilet paper %%done_del%% 🔁 every week 📅 2023-04-24 ✅ 2023-04-21
- [ ] :bed: [[Household]] Change bedsheets %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Saturday 📅 2023-06-10
- [ ] :bed: [[Household]] Change bedsheets %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Saturday 📅 2023-06-24
- [x] :bed: [[Household]] Change bedsheets %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Saturday 📅 2023-06-10 ✅ 2023-06-12
- [x] :bed: [[Household]] Change bedsheets %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Saturday 📅 2023-05-27 ✅ 2023-05-25
- [x] :bed: [[Household]] Change bedsheets %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Saturday 📅 2023-05-13 ✅ 2023-05-13
- [x] :bed: [[Household]] Change bedsheets %%done_del%% 🔁 every 2 weeks on Saturday 📅 2023-04-29 ✅ 2023-04-26

@ -126,7 +126,8 @@ style: number
- [w] :birthday: **[[Amaury de Villeneuve|Papa]]** %%done_del%% 🔁 every year 📅 2023-08-30
- [x] :birthday: **[[Amaury de Villeneuve|Papa]]** %%done_del%% 🔁 every year 📅 2022-08-30 ✅ 2022-08-30
- [x] :birthday: Papa 🔁 every year 📅 2021-08-30 ✅ 2021-10-01
- [*] :crown: Fête des pères %%done_del%% 🔁 every June on the 3rd Sunday 📅 2023-06-18
- [ ] :crown: Fête des pères %%done_del%% 🔁 every June on the 3rd Sunday 📅 2024-06-16
- [x] :crown: Fête des pères %%done_del%% 🔁 every June on the 3rd Sunday 📅 2023-06-18 ✅ 2023-06-19
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -6,13 +6,13 @@ Date: 2022-10-17
DocType: "Person"
Hierarchy: "NonRoot"
TimeStamp:
location:
location: [46.1891643,6.144626575490701]
CollapseMetaTable: true
Person:
LastName: Moulin
FirstName: Arnold
DoB:
Address:
Address: "Boulevard de la Cluse 21, 1201 Genève, Switzerland"
Phone: <a href="tel:+41787686844">+41 78 768 68 44</a>
Email: "[arnold.moulin@gmail.com](mailto:arnold.moulin@gmail.com)"
Relation:

@ -5,13 +5,13 @@ Date: 2021-12-04
DocType: "Person"
Hierarchy: "NonRoot"
TimeStamp:
location: [46.26358076666667,6.224664466666667]
location: [46.1891643,6.144626575490701]
CollapseMetaTable: true
Person:
LastName: "Le Bastart de Villeneuve"
FirstName: Marguerite
DoB: 1986-05-02
Address: "23 rue du Pré-Puits, 1246 Corsier, Switzerland"
Address: "21 boulevard de La Cluse, 1205 Genève, Switzerland"
Phone: "+41 76 616 84 22"
Email: "margueritebv@yahoo.fr"
Relation: Sibling
@ -20,7 +20,7 @@ fc-category: "Birthday"
fc-date:
day: 2
month: 5
---
Parent:: [[@Family organisation|Family organisation]]

@ -0,0 +1,54 @@
---
Alias: [""]
Tag: ["timeline", "🐎", "🐿️"]
Date: 2023-06-17
DocType: Confidential
Hierarchy: NonRoot
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
---
Parent:: [[@Sally|Sally]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2023-06-09RidingoffNSave
&emsp;
# 2023-06-09 Riding off
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Note Description
&emsp;
<span class='ob-timelines' data-date='2023-06-09-00' data-title='Ride off' data-class='green' data-type='range' data-end='2023-06-09-00'> Sally seems to be scared with ride-off and near side. To be worked on.
</span>
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
Difficulties with ride-off and near-side
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,114 @@
---
Alias: [""]
Tag: ["🏨", "🍴", "🇨🇭", "🌊"]
Date: 2023-06-18
DocType: "Place"
Hierarchy: "NonRoot"
TimeStamp:
location: [47.31921225000001,8.578860146470998]
Place:
Type: ["Hotel", "Restaurant"]
SubType: Lakeside
Style: Swiss
Location: "Küsnacht"
Country: CH
Status: Tested
CollapseMetaTable: true
Phone: "+41 44 914 18 18"
Email: "home@sonne.ch"
Website: "[Willkommen im Romantik Seehotel Sonne Küsnacht am Zürichsee](https://sonne.ch/de/)"
---
Parent:: [[@Restaurants Zürich|Restaurants in Zürich]]
&emsp;
```dataviewjs
let tempPhone = dv.current().Phone ? dv.current().Phone.replaceAll(" ", "") : '+000'
let tempMail = dv.current().Email ? dv.current().Email : ""
let tempCoorSet = dv.current().location ? dv.current().location : [0,0]
dv.el('center', '[📲](tel:' + tempPhone + ') &emsp; &emsp; [📧](mailto:' + tempMail + ') &emsp; &emsp; [🗺️](' + "https://waze.com/ul?ll=" + tempCoorSet[0] + "%2C" + tempCoorSet[1] + "&navigate=yes" + ')')
```
---
&emsp;
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-SonneSave
&emsp;
# Sonne
&emsp;
> [!summary]+
> Note Description
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 📇 Contact
&emsp;
> [!address] 🗺
> Seestrasse 120
> 8700 Küsnacht
> Switzerland
&emsp;
☎️ `= this.Phone`
📧 `= this.Email`
🌐 `= this.Website`
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🗒 Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### 🔗 Other activity
&emsp;
```dataview
Table DocType as "Doc type" from [[Sonne]]
where !contains(file.name, "@@Travel")
sort DocType asc
```
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -10,9 +10,9 @@ TimeStamp: 2022-08-15
location:
CollapseMetaTable: true
TVShow:
Name: "Lost"
Name: "House of the Dragon"
Season: 1
Episode: 1
Episode: 6
Source: Internal
banner: "![[img_1924.jpg]]"
banner_icon: 🍿

@ -0,0 +1,128 @@
---
type: "series"
subType: null
title: "House of the Dragon"
englishTitle: "House of the Dragon"
year: "2022"
dataSource: "OMDbAPI"
url: "https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11198330/"
id: "tt11198330"
genres:
- "Action"
- "Adventure"
- "Drama"
studios:
- "N/A"
episodes: 0
duration: "N/A"
onlineRating: 8.5
actors:
- "Matt Smith"
- "Graham McTavish"
- "Steve Toussaint"
image: "https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZjBiOGIyY2YtOTA3OC00YzY1LThkYjktMGRkYTNhNTExY2I2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTEyMjM2NDc2._V1_SX300.jpg"
released: true
streamingServices:
airing: false
airedFrom: "21/08/2022"
airedTo: "unknown"
watched: true
lastWatched: "[[2023-06-08]]"
personalRating: 0
CollapseMetaTable: true
---
Parent:: [[@Cinematheque]]
---
```dataviewjs
dv.paragraph(`> [!${dv.current().watched ? 'SUCCESS' : 'WARNING'}] ${dv.current().watched ? 'last watched on ' + dv.current().lastWatched : 'not yet watched'}`)
```
&emsp;
# `$= dv.current().title`
&emsp;
`$= dv.current().watched ? '**Rating**: ' + dv.current().personalRating + ' out of 10' : ''`
&emsp;
```toc
```
&emsp;
### Detail
&emsp;
**Genres**:
`$= dv.current().genres.length === 0 ? ' - none' : dv.list(dv.current().genres)`
```dataviewjs
let text = '';
if (!dv.current().released) {
text += '**Not released**\n';
if (dv.current().airedFrom) {
text += 'The series will release on ' + dv.current().release_date + '.';
} else {
text += 'The series is not released yet.';
}
} else if (dv.current().airing) {
text += '**Not finished**\n';
text += 'The series is not fully released yet.';
}
if (text) {
dv.paragraph(text);
}
```
```dataview
list without id
"<table><tbody><tr><td><a class=heading>Type</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.type + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Online Rating</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.onlineRating + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Episodes</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.episodes + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Duration</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.duration + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Aired from</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.airedFrom + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Aired to</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.airedTo + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Studios</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.studios + "</span></td></tr></tbody></table>"
FROM "03.04 Cinematheque/House of the Dragon (2022)"
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Poster
&emsp;
`$= '![Image|360](' + dv.current().image + ')'`

@ -177,7 +177,8 @@ The following Apps require a manual backup:
- [x] :iphone: Backup [[Storage and Syncing#Instructions for iPhone|iPhone]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 2nd Tuesday 📅 2023-04-11 ✅ 2023-04-11
- [ ] :floppy_disk: Backup [[Storage and Syncing#Instructions for FV|Folder Vault]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 1st Friday 📅 2023-07-07
- [x] :floppy_disk: Backup [[Storage and Syncing#Instructions for FV|Folder Vault]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 1st Friday 📅 2023-04-07 ✅ 2023-04-06
- [ ] :cloud: [[Storage and Syncing|Storage & Sync]]: Backup Volumes to [[Sync|Sync.com]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-06-12
- [ ] :cloud: [[Storage and Syncing|Storage & Sync]]: Backup Volumes to [[Sync|Sync.com]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-09-11
- [x] :cloud: [[Storage and Syncing|Storage & Sync]]: Backup Volumes to [[Sync|Sync.com]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-06-12 ✅ 2023-06-12
- [ ] :camera: [[Storage and Syncing|Storage & Sync]]: Transfer pictures to ED %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 2nd Thursday 📅 2023-07-13
- [x] :camera: [[Storage and Syncing|Storage & Sync]]: Transfer pictures to ED %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months on the 2nd Thursday 📅 2023-04-13 ✅ 2023-04-13

@ -237,7 +237,9 @@ sudo bash /etc/addip4ban/addip4ban.sh
#### Ban List Tasks
- [ ] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-06-10
- [ ] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-06-24
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-06-17 ✅ 2023-06-16
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-06-10 ✅ 2023-06-10
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-06-03 ✅ 2023-06-03
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-05-27 ✅ 2023-05-27
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-05-20 ✅ 2023-05-22
@ -256,7 +258,9 @@ sudo bash /etc/addip4ban/addip4ban.sh
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-02-18 ✅ 2023-02-17
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-02-11 ✅ 2023-02-11
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]] Get IP addresses caught by Postfix %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Saturday 📅 2023-02-04 ✅ 2023-02-04
- [ ] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-06-10
- [ ] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-06-24
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-06-17 ✅ 2023-06-16
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-06-10 ✅ 2023-06-10
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-06-03 ✅ 2023-06-03
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-05-27 ✅ 2023-05-27
- [x] 🖥 [[Selfhosting]], [[Configuring UFW|Firewall]]: Update the Blocked IP list %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on Saturday 📅 2023-05-20 ✅ 2023-05-22

@ -583,7 +583,8 @@ List of monitored services:
- [x] [[Server Tools]]: Backup server 🔁 every 6 months on the 1st Tuesday ✅ 2021-10-13
- [x] Set-up landing page
- [ ] :desktop_computer: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Tools|Tools]]: Upgrader Gitea & Health checks %%done_del%% 🔁 every 4 months 📅 2023-06-18
- [ ] :desktop_computer: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Tools|Tools]]: Upgrader Gitea & Health checks %%done_del%% 🔁 every 4 months 📅 2023-10-18
- [x] :desktop_computer: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Tools|Tools]]: Upgrader Gitea & Health checks %%done_del%% 🔁 every 4 months 📅 2023-06-18 ✅ 2023-06-16
- [x] :desktop_computer: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Tools|Tools]]: Upgrader Gitea & Health checks %%done_del%% 🔁 every 4 months 📅 2023-02-18 ✅ 2023-02-14
- [x] :desktop_computer: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Tools|Tools]]: Upgrader Gitea & Health checks %%done_del%% 🔁 every 4 months 📅 2022-10-18 ✅ 2022-10-18
- [x] :desktop_computer: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Tools|Tools]]: Upgrader Gitea & Health checks 🔁 every 4 months 📅 2022-06-18 ✅ 2022-06-20

@ -290,7 +290,8 @@ Everything is rather self-explanatory.
- [x] [[Server VPN]]: Backup server 🔁 every 6 months on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2021-10-14 ✅ 2022-01-08
- [x] [[Server VPN]]: Backup server 🔁 every 6 months on the 1st Tuesday ✅ 2021-10-13
- [ ] :shield: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server VPN|VPN]]: Check VPN state & dashboard %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months 📅 2023-06-18
- [ ] :shield: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server VPN|VPN]]: Check VPN state & dashboard %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months 📅 2023-09-18
- [x] :shield: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server VPN|VPN]]: Check VPN state & dashboard %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months 📅 2023-06-18 ✅ 2023-06-19
- [x] :shield: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server VPN|VPN]]: Check VPN state & dashboard %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months 📅 2023-03-18 ✅ 2023-03-18
- [x] :shield: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server VPN|VPN]]: Check VPN state & dashboard %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months 📅 2022-12-18 ✅ 2022-12-20
- [x] :shield: [[Selfhosting]], [[Server VPN|VPN]]: Check VPN state & dashboard %%done_del%% 🔁 every 3 months 📅 2022-09-18 ✅ 2022-09-18

@ -595,4 +595,124 @@ alias f=expenses:Food
2023/06/05 Dinner
expenses:Food:CHF CHF27.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/07 Dinner
expenses:Food:EUR €54.15
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/08 Boulangerie
expenses:Food:EUR €4.70
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/08 Ptit dej
expenses:Food:EUR €13.90
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/08 Metro
expenses:Travel:EUR €19.10
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/08 Paul
expenses:Food:EUR €13.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/09 Cake - PPZ
expenses:Horse:CHF CHF11.15
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/09 Lunch
expenses:Food:CHF CHF7.75
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/05 Migros
expenses:Food:CHF CHF13.00
assets:Cash:CHF
2023/05/21 Drinks
expenses:Food:EUR €21.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/02 Dinner
expenses:Food:EUR €74.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/05 Migros
expenses:Food:CHF CHF11.15
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/05 Migros
expenses:Food:CHF CHF11.30
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/05/21 Dej
expenses:Food:EUR €10.20
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/05/21 Food
expenses:Food:EUR €17.20
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/05/21 Food
expenses:Food:EUR €10.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/05/21 Dej Papa
expenses:Food:EUR €93.80
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/05/31 Diner
expenses:Food:EUR €49.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/10 Lunch - Marg & Arnold
expenses:Food:CHF CHF48.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/10 Mask & sponges
expenses:Horse:CHF CHF42.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/10 Pizza
expenses:Food:CHF CHF24.50
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/12 Migros
expenses:Food:CHF CHF43.95
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/12 Coffee
expenses:Food:CHF CHF12.60
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/12 Lunch - tiny fish
expenses:Food:CHF CHF19.50
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/12 Migros
expenses:Food:CHF CHF13.80
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/13 Boulangerie
expenses:Food:CHF CHF7.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/11 Drinks
expenses:Social:CHF CHF24.50
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/14 Current expenses
expenses:Current expenses:CHF CHF100.00
assets:Cash:CHF
2023/06/14 Coop
expenses:Food:CHF CHF15.45
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/15 Dinner - Dominique
expenses:Social:CHF CHF196.00
liability:CreditCard:CHF
2023/06/17 Migros
expenses:Food:CHF CHF28.65
liability:CreditCard:CHF

@ -70,13 +70,15 @@ All tasks and to-dos Crypto-related.
&emsp;
%%- [ ] 💰[[Crypto Tasks#internet alerts|monitor Crypto news and publications]] %%done_del%% 🔁 every week on Friday 📅 2022-12-16%%
- [ ] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-06-06
- [ ] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-07-04
- [x] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-06-06 ✅ 2023-06-12
- [x] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-05-02 ✅ 2023-05-01
- [x] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-04-04 ✅ 2023-04-03
- [x] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-03-07 ✅ 2023-03-07
- [x] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-02-07 ✅ 2023-02-06
- [x] :ballot_box: [[Crypto Tasks]]: Vote for [[EOS]] block producers %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 1st Tuesday 📅 2023-01-03 ✅ 2023-01-03
- [ ] :chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-06-12
- [ ] :chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-07-10
- [x] :chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-06-12 ✅ 2023-06-12
- [x] :chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-05-08 ✅ 2023-05-08
- [x] :chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-04-10 ✅ 2023-04-09
- [x] :chart: Check [[Nimbus]] earnings %%done_del%% 🔁 every month on the 2nd Monday 📅 2023-03-13 ✅ 2023-03-12

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