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"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Banana Foster.md\"> Banana Foster </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Waco biker shootout - why was noone convicted?.md\"> Waco biker shootout - why was noone convicted? </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Untitled.md\"> Untitled </a>"
], ],
"Linked": [ "Linked": [
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-07.md\"> 2022-03-07 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"The twitching generation.md\"> The twitching generation </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Slow sex, long life.md\"> Slow sex, long life </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Uyghur Exile.md\"> Uyghur Exile </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/The improbable endless heroism of Volodymyr Zelensky.md\"> The improbable endless heroism of Volodymyr Zelensky </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/The man who paid for Anerica's fear.md\"> The man who paid for Anerica's fear </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Banana Foster.md\"> Banana Foster </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Untitled.md\"> Untitled </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-06.md\"> 2022-03-06 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-05.md\"> 2022-03-05 </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-05.md\"> 2022-03-05 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.06 Professional/The 10 Keys to A Successful Board Meeting How to Make Them Great and Not Something Everyone Dreads from Ajay Agarwal, Bain Capital Partners SaaStr.md\"> The 10 Keys to A Successful Board Meeting How to Make Them Great and Not Something Everyone Dreads from Ajay Agarwal, Bain Capital Partners SaaStr </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.06 Professional/The 10 Keys to A Successful Board Meeting How to Make Them Great and Not Something Everyone Dreads from Ajay Agarwal, Bain Capital Partners SaaStr.md\"> The 10 Keys to A Successful Board Meeting How to Make Them Great and Not Something Everyone Dreads from Ajay Agarwal, Bain Capital Partners SaaStr </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-04.md\"> 2022-03-04 </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-04.md\"> 2022-03-04 </a>",
@ -3370,19 +3427,14 @@
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/A Vibe Shift Is Coming.md\"> A Vibe Shift Is Coming </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/A Vibe Shift Is Coming.md\"> A Vibe Shift Is Coming </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Schluessel.md\"> Schluessel </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Schluessel.md\"> Schluessel </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Toto.md\"> Toto </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Toto.md\"> Toto </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Bimi.md\"> Bimi </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"Bimi.md\"> Bimi </a>"
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-02-23.md\"> 2022-02-23 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"02.03 Zürich/Iroquois.md\"> Iroquois </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-02-23.md\"> 2022-02-23 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/Lenquête « Suisse Secrets » relance le débat sur la liberté de la presse face au secret bancaire.md\"> Lenquête « Suisse Secrets » relance le débat sur la liberté de la presse face au secret bancaire </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"2022-02-22.md\"> 2022-02-22 </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.04 IT/Server-side Tagging In Google Tag Manager Simo Ahava's blog.md\"> Server-side Tagging In Google Tag Manager Simo Ahava's blog </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.02 Inbox/How to migrate your Nextcloud database-backend from MySQLMariaDB to PostgreSQL.md\"> How to migrate your Nextcloud database-backend from MySQLMariaDB to PostgreSQL </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/Why Are Letters Shaped the Way They Are.md\"> Why Are Letters Shaped the Way They Are </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/Ancient Indian texts reveal the liberating power of metaphysics.md\"> Ancient Indian texts reveal the liberating power of metaphysics </a>"
], ],
"Removed Tags from": [ "Removed Tags from": [
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"06.02 Investments/Le Miel de Paris.md\"> Le Miel de Paris </a>" "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"06.02 Investments/Le Miel de Paris.md\"> Le Miel de Paris </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/What i learnt during my 3 days offline.md\"> What i learnt during my 3 days offline </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/Migrants faced the worst of the gig economy, so they made their own delivery app.md\"> Migrants faced the worst of the gig economy, so they made their own delivery app </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/Confessions of a Bitcoin Widow How a Dream Life Turned into a Nightmare The Walrus.md\"> Confessions of a Bitcoin Widow How a Dream Life Turned into a Nightmare The Walrus </a>",
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.03 News/Lenquête « Suisse Secrets » relance le débat sur la liberté de la presse face au secret bancaire.md\"> Lenquête « Suisse Secrets » relance le débat sur la liberté de la presse face au secret bancaire </a>"
], ],
"Removed Links from": [ "Removed Links from": [
"<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-01-22.md\"> 2022-01-22 </a>", "<a class=\"internal-link\" href=\"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-01-22.md\"> 2022-01-22 </a>",

@ -444,7 +444,7 @@
"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-02-16.md": [ "00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-02-16.md": [
{ {
"title": "07:50 [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Cloud]], [[Nextcloud]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: upgrade Nextcloud", "title": "07:50 [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Cloud]], [[Nextcloud]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: upgrade Nextcloud",
"time": "2022-03-06", "time": "2022-03-17",
"rowNumber": 84 "rowNumber": 84
} }
], ],
@ -458,7 +458,7 @@
"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-02-23.md": [ "00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-02-23.md": [
{ {
"title": "09:11 [[2022-02-23|Memo]]: contact Philippe S pour Argonote", "title": "09:11 [[2022-02-23|Memo]]: contact Philippe S pour Argonote",
"time": "2022-03-03", "time": "2022-03-07",
"rowNumber": 84 "rowNumber": 84
} }
], ],

File diff suppressed because one or more lines are too long

File diff suppressed because one or more lines are too long

@ -1,10 +0,0 @@
{
"id": "rss-reader",
"name": "RSS Reader",
"version": "1.1.0",
"minAppVersion": "0.12.17",
"description": "Read RSS Feeds from within obsidian",
"author": "Johannes Theiner",
"authorUrl": "https://github.com/joethei",
"isDesktopOnly": false
}

@ -1,129 +0,0 @@
.rss-read a {
color: darkslategrey;
}
.has-invalid-message {
display: grid;
grid-template-columns: 1fr 1fr;
grid-template-rows: 1fr 1fr;
grid-template-areas:
"text image"
"inv inv";
}
.rss-setting-input input {
grid-column: span 2;
}
input.is-invalid {
border-color: #dc3545 !important;
background-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' viewBox='0 0 12 12' width='12' height='12' fill='none' stroke='%23dc3545'%3e%3ccircle cx='6' cy='6' r='4.5'/%3e%3cpath stroke-linejoin='round' d='M5.8 3.6h.4L6 6.5z'/%3e%3ccircle cx='6' cy='8.2' r='.6' fill='%23dc3545' stroke='none'/%3e%3c/svg%3e");
background-repeat: no-repeat;
background-position: right calc(0.375em + 0.1875rem) center;
background-size: calc(0.75em + 0.375rem) calc(0.75em + 0.375rem);
}
.unset-align-items {
align-items: unset;
}
.invalid-feedback {
display: block;
grid-area: inv;
width: 100%;
margin-top: 0.25rem;
font-size: 0.875em;
color: #dc3545;
}
.rss-scrollable-content {
overflow: auto;
height: 60vh;
}
.rss-tooltip {
position: relative;
}
.rss-tooltip .tooltiptext {
visibility: hidden;
background-color: var(--interactive-hover);
color: var(--text-normal);
text-align: center;
padding: 5px 0;
border-radius: 6px;
position: absolute;
z-index: var(--layer-tooltip);
}
.rss-tooltip:hover .tooltiptext {
visibility: visible;
}
.rss-content img {
max-width: 100%;
}
.rss-subtitle {
display: inline;
}
/*action buttons on mobile should not take one line each*/
.is-mobile button.rss-button {
width: auto;
}
.rss-selectable {
user-select: text;
}
.rss-card {
padding-top: 10px;
width: 100%;
height: 100%;
box-shadow: 0 4px 8px 0 rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2);
transition: 0.3s;
border-radius: 5px;
background: var(--background-primary);
}
.rss-card-items {
display: flex;
padding-top: 10px;
}
.rss-card-items .rss-item-text {
padding-left: 5px;
text-overflow: ellipsis;
overflow: hidden;
max-height: 10em;
}
.rss-item-title {
padding-left: 5px;
}
.rss-feed-item {
width: 100%;
}
.rss-view {
background: var(--background-secondary);
}
/*making sure both highlight styles look consistent*/
.rss-modal li mark {
background-color: var(--text-highlight-bg);
}
.rss-modal mark li {
background-color: var(--text-highlight-bg);
}
.rss-modal mark {
background-color: var(--text-highlight-bg);
}

@ -3730,6 +3730,10 @@ var Templater = class {
return; return;
} }
yield this.app.vault.modify(created_note, output_content); yield this.app.vault.modify(created_note, output_content);
this.app.workspace.trigger("templater:new-note-from-template", {
file: created_note,
content: output_content
});
if (open_new_note) { if (open_new_note) {
const active_leaf = this.app.workspace.activeLeaf; const active_leaf = this.app.workspace.activeLeaf;
if (!active_leaf) { if (!active_leaf) {
@ -3737,10 +3741,12 @@ var Templater = class {
return; return;
} }
yield active_leaf.openFile(created_note, { yield active_leaf.openFile(created_note, {
state: { mode: "source" }, state: { mode: "source" }
eState: { rename: "all" }
}); });
yield this.plugin.editor_handler.jump_to_next_cursor_location(created_note, true); yield this.plugin.editor_handler.jump_to_next_cursor_location(created_note, true);
active_leaf.setEphemeralState({
rename: "all"
});
} }
return created_note; return created_note;
}); });
@ -3761,7 +3767,14 @@ var Templater = class {
} }
const editor = active_view.editor; const editor = active_view.editor;
const doc = editor.getDoc(); const doc = editor.getDoc();
const oldSelections = doc.listSelections();
doc.replaceSelection(output_content); doc.replaceSelection(output_content);
this.app.workspace.trigger("templater:template-appended", {
view: active_view,
content: output_content,
oldSelections,
newSelections: doc.listSelections()
});
yield this.plugin.editor_handler.jump_to_next_cursor_location(active_view.file, true); yield this.plugin.editor_handler.jump_to_next_cursor_location(active_view.file, true);
}); });
} }
@ -5544,7 +5557,7 @@ var Editor2 = class {
if (file && this.app.workspace.getActiveFile() !== file) { if (file && this.app.workspace.getActiveFile() !== file) {
return; return;
} }
this.cursor_jumper.jump_to_next_cursor_location(); yield this.cursor_jumper.jump_to_next_cursor_location();
}); });
} }
registerCodeMirrorMode() { registerCodeMirrorMode() {

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
{ {
"id": "templater-obsidian", "id": "templater-obsidian",
"name": "Templater", "name": "Templater",
"version": "1.10.0", "version": "1.11.1",
"description": "Create and use templates", "description": "Create and use templates",
"minAppVersion": "0.11.13", "minAppVersion": "0.11.13",
"author": "SilentVoid", "author": "SilentVoid",

@ -153,14 +153,14 @@
"active": "55f887f08c69126d", "active": "55f887f08c69126d",
"lastOpenFiles": [ "lastOpenFiles": [
"01.02 Home/@Main Dashboard.md", "01.02 Home/@Main Dashboard.md",
"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-05.md", "00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-07.md",
"00.03 News/Jackass Oral Hostory.md", "00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-06.md",
"06.01 Finances/hLedger.md", "05.01 Computer setup/Nextcloud.md",
"06.01 Finances/2022.ledger", "00.01 Admin/Templates/Template Daily.md",
"00.01 Admin/Obsidian plugins.md", "00.03 News/The twitching generation.md",
"00.01 Admin/Memos/2022-03-04.md", "00.03 News/Ancient Indian texts reveal the liberating power of metaphysics.md",
"01.02 Home/@Shopping list.md", "00.03 News/Slow sex, long life.md",
"00.03 News/A Vibe Shift Is Coming.md", "00.03 News/@News.md",
"00.03 News/@News.md" "00.03 News/As rents rise, Americans are stuck in homes even when they want to move.md"
] ]
} }

@ -82,7 +82,7 @@ This section does serve for quick memos.
%% ### %% %% ### %%
&emsp; &emsp;
- [ ] 07:50 [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Cloud]], [[Nextcloud]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: upgrade Nextcloud 📆2022-03-06 - [ ] 07:50 [[Selfhosting]], [[Server Cloud]], [[Nextcloud]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: upgrade Nextcloud 📅 2022-03-17
- [x] 09:01 [[MRCK]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: Book ski trip for Meggi-mo's birthday 📅 2022-02-21 ✅ 2022-02-20 - [x] 09:01 [[MRCK]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: Book ski trip for Meggi-mo's birthday 📅 2022-02-21 ✅ 2022-02-20
- [x] 11:59 [[@Lifestyle|Lifestyle]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: contact Raphson qui habite Zürich 📅 2022-02-18 ✅ 2022-02-16 - [x] 11:59 [[@Lifestyle|Lifestyle]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: contact Raphson qui habite Zürich 📅 2022-02-18 ✅ 2022-02-16
- [x] 12:12 [[@Lifestyle|Lifestyle]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: contact Juliette Chevallier, Genève 📅 2022-02-19 ✅ 2022-02-18 - [x] 12:12 [[@Lifestyle|Lifestyle]], [[2022-02-16|Memo]]: contact Juliette Chevallier, Genève 📅 2022-02-19 ✅ 2022-02-18

@ -82,7 +82,7 @@ This section does serve for quick memos.
%% ### %% %% ### %%
&emsp; &emsp;
- [ ] 09:11 [[2022-02-23|Memo]]: contact Philippe S pour Argonote 📅 2022-03-03 - [ ] 09:11 [[2022-02-23|Memo]]: contact Philippe S pour Argonote 📅 2022-03-07
--- ---

@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ EarHeadBar: 50
BackHeadBar: 40 BackHeadBar: 40
Water: 3 Water: 3
Coffee: 0 Coffee: 0
Steps: Steps: 6006
--- ---
@ -23,7 +23,7 @@ Steps:
--- ---
[[2022-03-04|<< Previous]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2022-03-06|Next >>]] [[2022-03-04|<< 📆 Previous day]] &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; [[2022-03-06|📆 Next day >>]]
--- ---

@ -0,0 +1,97 @@
---
Date: 2022-03-06
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: Yes
Sleep: 8
Happiness: 95
Gratefulness: 94
Stress: 45
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 50
BackHeadBar: 40
Water: 2.25
Coffee: 2
Steps: 16024
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2022-03-05|<< 🗓 Previous]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2022-03-07|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2022-03-06Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2022-03-06NSave
&emsp;
# 2022-03-06
&emsp;
```ad-abstract
title: Summary
collapse: open
Note Description
```
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Memos
&emsp;
#### Memos
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% ### %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,97 @@
---
Date: 2022-03-07
DocType: Note
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
location:
CollapseMetaTable: Yes
Sleep: 7
Happiness: 90
Gratefulness: 90
Stress: 45
FrontHeadBar: 5
EarHeadBar: 50
BackHeadBar: 40
Water: 0.37
Coffee: 0
Steps:
---
%% Parent:: [[@Life Admin]] %%
---
[[2022-03-06|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[2022-03-08|🗓 Next >>]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Record today's health
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-2022-03-07Edit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-2022-03-07NSave
&emsp;
# 2022-03-07
&emsp;
```ad-abstract
title: Summary
collapse: open
Note Description
```
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Memos
&emsp;
#### Memos
This section does serve for quick memos.
&emsp;
%% ### %%
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Notes
&emsp;
Loret ipsum
&emsp;
&emsp;

@ -23,7 +23,7 @@ Steps:
--- ---
[[<% tp.date.now("YYYY-MM-DD", -1) %>|<< Previous]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[<% tp.date.now("YYYY-MM-DD", 1) %>|Next >>]] [[<% tp.date.now("YYYY-MM-DD", -1) %>|<< 🗓 Previous ]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[@Main Dashboard|Back]] &emsp; &emsp; &emsp; [[<% tp.date.now("YYYY-MM-DD", 1) %>|🗓 Next >>]]
--- ---

@ -62,7 +62,7 @@ style: number
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Politics Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Politics
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -78,7 +78,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Society Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Society
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -94,7 +94,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Crime Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Crime
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -110,7 +110,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #History Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #History
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -126,7 +126,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Human Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Human
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -143,7 +143,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Art Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Art
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -160,7 +160,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Travel Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Travel
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -177,7 +177,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Tech Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Tech
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```
@ -194,7 +194,7 @@ sort file.link asc
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataview ```dataview
Table without id file.link as "Title", Tag as "Themes" from #Economy Table without id file.link as "Title", "**Read**: " + Read as "Read", Tag as "Themes" from #Economy
where contains(DocType, "WebClipping") where contains(DocType, "WebClipping")
sort file.link asc sort file.link asc
``` ```

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
--- ---
Alias: [""] Alias: [""]
Tag: ["Society", "Language", "Tech"] Tag: ["History", "Language", "Tech"]
Date: 2022-02-10 Date: 2022-02-10
DocType: "WebClipping" DocType: "WebClipping"
Hierarchy: Hierarchy:

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
--- ---
Alias: [""] Alias: [""]
Tag: ["Human", "Philosophy"] Tag: ["History", "Philosophy"]
Date: 2022-02-21 Date: 2022-02-21
DocType: "WebClipping" DocType: "WebClipping"
Hierarchy: Hierarchy:

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
--- ---
Alias: [""] Alias: [""]
Tag: ["Society", "Mobility", "US"] Tag: ["Economy", "Mobility", "US"]
Date: 2022-02-27 Date: 2022-02-27
DocType: "WebClipping" DocType: "WebClipping"
Hierarchy: Hierarchy:

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
--- ---
Alias: [""] Alias: [""]
Tag: ["Society", "Tech", "Cryptocurrency"] Tag: ["Tech", "Cryptocurrency"]
Date: 2022-02-20 Date: 2022-02-20
DocType: "WebClipping" DocType: "WebClipping"
Hierarchy: Hierarchy:

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
--- ---
Alias: [""] Alias: [""]
Tag: ["Society", "Crime", "Economy", "Banking", "Switerland"] Tag: ["Economy", "Banking", "Switerland"]
Date: 2022-02-22 Date: 2022-02-22
DocType: "WebClipping" DocType: "WebClipping"
Hierarchy: Hierarchy:

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
--- ---
Alias: [""] Alias: [""]
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Tag: ["Human", "Wellbeing"]
Date: 2022-03-06
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Link: https://aeon.co/essays/lovemaking-for-longevity-a-recipe-from-tokyos-imperial-archives
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&emsp;
```button
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^button-SlowsexLonglifeNSave
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# Lovemaking for longevity: a recipe from Tokyos imperial archives
For more than 1,000 years, the Imperial Family of Japan and its physicians have preserved a treasure of oriental medicine: the complete 30 scrolls of the *Ishinhō*, or the heart of medical prescription. This compendium was derived from sources in India, China, Korea and elsewhere, though many of the original documents have since been lost or destroyed. In 2012, I found myself in the Imperial Archives in the Tokyo Palace examining the precious scrolls.
I was delighted to discover a holistic approach: not only did I find herbal remedies, and nutrition and lifestyle aids, but also, in Scroll 28, instructions for the creation and preservation of *jingqi* (the life force), with a focus on sexual energy. These prescriptions, which originated at least 2,000 years ago in East Asia, were almost the opposite of Western ideas, since they required the achievement of orgasm without the loss of semen.
The idea dates to the 10th century, during the Heian period, a golden age for Japanese poetry and literature. The poet Sei Shōnagon (*c*966-*c*1025) wrote *The**Pillow Book*, while Murasaki Shikibu (*c*978-*c*1014), a fellow lady-in-waiting at the Imperial Court, wrote one of the worlds first and greatest novels, *The Tale of Genji*, relating the adventurous romantic life of a prince. All these works and more reveal the natural approach to sexual relations common in ancient Japan. Such naturalness was also a feature of ancient China, evident from the tomb excavation at Mawangdui in Hunan Province, revealing texts on the art of love, dating from around 200 BCE. A poem in those texts, *The Union of Yin and Yang*, may be the first sex manual the world has preserved. Throughout these works, colourful metaphors describe the unhurried and careful approach to the joys of sexual intercourse. The emphasis was on exceedingly slow and gentle movements, beginning with caressing what seem to be the mysterious energy meridians within the body.
What a perfect setting for the great compendium itself, written by the Japanese court physician Tamba Yasuyori in 984. It was in Scroll 28 of Tambas masterpiece that the classic Chinese narrative is revealed through the teachings of three women said to have advised the mythical Yellow Emperor on his longevity exercises. When I was able to revisit the scrolls again in 2018, together with leading members of the modern medical establishment in Japan, I could identify for my medical colleagues the prominent red marks over the names of the three women. One of them, whose name I translate as the original woman (*Su-Nu*), a kind of Chinese Eve, uses one of the oldest of the intimacy poems, from around 200 CE:
![](https://d2e1bqvws99ptg.cloudfront.net/user_image_upload/1837/Poem.jpg "")The Classic of Su Nu, with rhythmic translation and Chinese pronunciation
Each line in the poem could be interpreted either as individual intimate acts or as acts with different partners, as would be the case for monarchs with multiple wives and consorts. In this translation, I have attempted to reproduce the four-character rhythm of the original. Each line, and its response, contains four Chinese characters, each pronounced as a single syllable, making eight syllables in the two lines together. The much older Mawangdui poem, *The Union of Yin and Yang*, is also a character poem of this type, but it uses three characters instead of four. Repetitive rhythm was important in the transmission of texts, such as sutras and poems, when writing materials were scarce, and monks and poets had to memorise long texts. That was also true in the 10th century. The rare paper on which the scrolls are written is extremely fragile, and the original version is now a national treasure kept in the National Museum in Tokyo.
Of course, this poem, like many other ancient Chinese poems on the arts of love, needs metaphorical interpretation. Words such as immortal do not carry the same meaning as when is used in Western religions. The aim of the poem is to encourage the general improvement of health and longevity.
The deeper truth of the poem is that everything is interrelated. This is precisely what modern science finds using the associations between genes and disease. Most genes contribute to most diseases. Some modern scientists using genome sequencing go so far as to formulate the omnigenic theory, which is the theory that *all* genes contribute in some way or other to health and disease states. It works the other way round, too. Gene expression is also controlled by epigenetic states when the external environment tunes genes up or down. We do not have [selfish genes](https://aeon.co/essays/dead-or-alive-an-expert-roundtable-on-the-selfish-gene). The selfishness or kindness comes from our integrated selves, not from biomolecules such as DNA. Even scientists today use [metaphor](https://aeon.co/essays/why-the-selfish-genes-metaphor-remains-a-powerful-thinking-tool) to express what they mean.
The scrolls, all written in Classical Chinese, require great skill to translate into modern Japanese. This has been the life work of Sachiko Maki, who laboured for more than 40 years to produce the complete modern Japanese translation in a series of 34 volumes. A gift from the herbal remedy company Tsumura ensured that Oxford is now one of the few universities in the world to possess not only Sachikos translations but also a complete facsimile of the calligraphic scrolls. The translation into modern Japanese is important. Very little of the *Ishinhō* has been translated into English. What the Japanese version reveals is that Tamba was greatly influenced by Buddhism in his choice of what to preserve of the ancient Chinese texts. All animal products and all potential toxic metals were excluded. The only remedies are herbal, nutritional or sexual.
In fact, these medical prescriptions have long posed a translation challenge beyond just the metaphorical: they are sexually explicit, but their translators were originally late 19th- and early 20th-century Europeans with Victorian sensibilities to match. In fact, the Dutch sinologist and diplomat Robert Hans van Gulik even went so far as to translate them into Latin in 1961 in order to restrict access to their texts, as well as to their accompanying erotic prints from the Ming dynasty, to academic scholars only if a library did not agree to this, van Gulik refused to provide them with a copy.
As a pioneer in modern systems biology and its multilevel view of organisms, I immediately appreciated the traditional Asian view that parts of the human body should not be viewed in isolation but rather as part of a whole an integrated communicative system. Tamba clearly documented this philosophy in an unbroken line of physicians from himself all the way back to the 3rd century BCE.
It was at a chance meeting at a New Years brunch with Oxford academics in 2016 that I began discussing the scrolls, and specifically Scroll 28, with the entrepreneur Leslie Kenny.
Kenny was working with the scientists Katja Simon and Ghada Alsaleh from the University of Oxford on a compound called spermidine named for its presence in semen, where it was originally discovered. Unusually, she also had experience as a sexologist in China, and was familiar with the ancient Taoist practices and beliefs around sexual arousal, intimacy and their health benefits. She also knew of Oxford research demonstrating that spermidine triggered autophagy, the bodys inbuilt ability to renew and recycle cells, the foundation of life and a youthful life itself. So important is autophagy that Ohsumi Yoshinori, a Japanese scientist, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 2016 for discovering its mechanism of action.
Kenny wondered aloud whether the reason for arousal but non-ejaculation was so that the man would resorb his own spermidine and thereby benefit from a boost in cellular autophagy and the resulting beneficial biological effects. I too had wondered about the possible benefits of resorbing sperm to male health.
In order to test our theory, we needed to define what ageing was and then prove that the instructions of Scroll 28 led to halting it.
One of the most frequently cited scientific research studies on this topic was published in 2013 in the premier biology journal, *Cell*. The [paper](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3836174/) by the Spanish biochemist Carlos López-Otín and his colleagues in Madrid, Cologne, London and Paris hypothesised nine hallmarks of ageing, and posited it was possible to halt the ageing process. Rather than simply treating the symptoms of cardiovascular disease, Alzheimers and cancer, among other diseases of ageing, López-Otín said, one might be able to halt the onset of ageing itself.
If spermidine prevents dysfunction in our mitochondria, then it may protect human longevity as well
One of the potential agents he mentioned was spermidine. Because spermidine triggered autophagy, it was able to prevent many of these hallmarks of ageing. But spermidine did more than that it also protected mitochondrial DNA.
Mitochondria are the energy powerhouses of cells. It was the American biologist Lynn Margulis who first championed the theory that mitochondria were once independent microbes that joined other cells through the process of symbiogenesis to form the complex organisms we see around us today. More recently, a host of new studies [reveal](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-019-56133-3) that spermidine guards against ageing of mitochondria. If spermidine prevents dysfunction in our mitochondria, the basis of cellular energy, then it stands to reason that it may protect human longevity as well.
And protecting mitochondria is just the start. Scientists have recently [discovered](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32467649/) that spermidine can prevent an additional four negative hallmarks of ageing: epigenetic changes that damage gene expression; impaired maintenance of proteins; impaired production of stem cells; and disruption of intercellular communication. Emerging research suggests it may also inhibit cellular senescence.
In fact, the only other compound found to prevent six of these negative markers was a drug called rapamycin produced by a bacterium discovered on Easter Island (also known as Rapa Nui) which unfortunately causes immunosuppression. Spermidine has no known side-effects.
That left another hallmark of ageing erosion of telomeres, the tips that protect the ends of chromosomes from damage. Might telomeres themselves somehow be protected by the lovemaking for longevity recipe?
Elizabeth Blackburn, another winner of a Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, and professor emerita at the Salk Institute for Biological Sciences in California, discovered the power of telomeres along with an enzyme called telomerase that can lengthen those telomeres, thus extending life. Her [book](https://www.grandcentralpublishing.com/titles/dr-elizabeth-blackburn/the-telomere-effect/9781455587971/)*The Telomere Effect* (2017), co-written with the health psychologist Elissa Epel at the University of California, San Francisco, showed that meditation could cause the body to produce more telomerase, thus promoting longevity. Other evidence showed that mothers who had been stressed during pregnancy gave birth to babies with shorter telomeres. Epel and her colleagues did a further [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28411413/) in 2017 showing that couples who were sexually intimate also benefited from longer telomeres, though the team could not explain a mechanism of action, other than possible release of oxytocin, a hormone similar to that released by breastfeeding mothers and their babies.
Kenny wondered whether the synchronisation of heartrate, breath and gaze between two lovers as described in the *Ishinhō* was the mechanism of action. Indeed, there was no such telomerase benefit in the control group of couples who described themselves as happily married but who hadnt recently been sexually intimate. Whatever the mechanism of action behind the telomerase production, it was clear that the two lovers needed to intentionally come together and physically join as one in order to receive the longevity benefit.
But if spermidine and telomerase could together hold back nearly all the markers of ageing, what was the purpose of the rest of the longevity prescription in the translated scrolls? In particular, I was intrigued by the curious Taoist fascination with human saliva. In fact, the ancient Taoists would even perform ceremonies in which cups of saliva were exchanged to enhance health.
As a scientist and historian, Ive spent a great deal of time poring over the work of Charles Darwin, reconciling it with current scientific discoveries and making sure that Darwins legacy and intent is properly communicated to future generations of scientists. Darwin was a slow and thorough thinker. He integrated many processes into his work on evolution, *On**the Origin of Species* (1859), and in several other books. Contrary to what many evolutionary biologists think today, Darwin realised that our bodies must communicate with their germ cells sperm and eggs. One of my own recent conclusions is that modern science has discovered the tiny components involved in that communication; today, we call them extracellular vesicles or exosomes.
We also know that saliva contains exosomes. Originally [discovered](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0006291X8391776X?via%3Dihub) in 1983, exosomes were at first discarded by scientists who regarded them as extracellular rubbish. However, as more experiments were conducted, particularly with stem cells, it became clear that stem-cell therapies worked better when delivered together with exosomes. Taking these experiments one step further, it appeared that exosomes were actually more valuable than the stem cells themselves. Those exosomes have been proved to communicate with the germ cells.
I wondered whether the instructions for longevity in Scroll 28 meant that the bodys meridians or energetic channels so fundamental to traditional Eastern medicine were activated by the gentle touch of the intertwined couple. If the exosomes contained in the saliva exchanged when kissing followed those meridians, they might act as signposts to the omnipresent very small stem cells in the blood, telling them where to go to repair tissue but also changing cell receptors themselves. Could the mysterious meridians be some function of the exosomes?
Was it possible that the ancient Taoists had found a way not only to hold back the hands of time by intentionally activating production of spermidine and telomerase, but that the exchange of exosomes and activation of energetic meridian channels could also restore the emperors youth?
I think it might be. As a medical scientist, I have long been fascinated by natures ability to create its own pharmacopoeia, and know that the human bodys own internal pharmacy does this too by constantly sensing and assessing its internal and external state, and striving to continually stay in balance or homeostasis. The evolution of plants over hundreds of millions of years has certainly created the chemical combinations that work, whether to the advantage of organisms that eat them, or sometimes to their disadvantage when the mix is toxic. Herbal remedies exploit this evolutionary success of plants over millions of years.
Consummation should occur only three times out of 10, and only with a woman when wishing to conceive a child
I suspect that the trafficking of extracellular vesicles between all parts of the body may also be involved in another crucial feature of the ancient Chinese scrolls, since the emphasis on foreplay was on exceedingly slow and gentle movements, beginning with caressing of what seem to be the mysterious energy meridians within the body. Incidentally, those should not be confused with the channels, nerves and blood vessels familiar to Western medicine. My guess is that the caressing and massaging may trigger a release of vesicles across many areas of the body. Could this correspond to the notion of the meridian? Many scientists dismiss this concept from Chinese medicine, but not everything that exists can be visualised easily, as we well know from modern particle physics.
Breath, gaze and heartrate between lovers become synchronised during foreplay until actual coitus occurs, but it would be harmful for the man to consummate the love act at this point. The text of *Su Nu* suggests that consummation should occur only three times out of 10, and only with a woman when wishing to conceive a child. All other uses of a mans precious bodily fluids in this case, semen would be viewed as exhausting the mans body, ageing it prematurely. Whereas a woman and her *yin* energy were greatly strengthened by reaching climax, this was to be avoided at all costs by the man, whose *yang* energy would be robbed.
So crucial was this aspect that the physician sages gave detailed instructions on how a man could avoid ejaculation, while still reaching orgasm. Once a man mastered this life-enhancing technique, he would be capable of multiple orgasms just like a woman, and enjoy a long and healthy life.
That is especially true of the texts excavated in the early 1970s from the 2,200-year-old aristocratic tombs at the Mawangdui site in China. The remarkable poem *The Union of Yin and Yang* was found on a set of bamboo slips. The metaphors are different from the poem of the original woman in the *Ishinhō*, but the message is essentially the same. Cultivating the gentle arts of the bedroom is the secret of longevity. Tambas Scroll 28 therefore accurately portrays the culture of ancient China:
![](https://d2e1bqvws99ptg.cloudfront.net/user_image_upload/1836/insert-Colour-Yin-Yang-Poem.jpg "")The Union of Yin and Yang (合陰陽) from the Mawangdui (馬王堆) tomb excavations in China. The poems text was inscribed on bamboo slips. This picture shows three slips (or shaded columns) from scans from the Bodleian Library at the University of Oxford, together with standard Chinese transcription and translation by the sinologue Donald Harper. Read from right to left
It makes sense that this ancient knowledge was preserved by the Japanese. Unlike China, where literature was often lost or burnt as one dynasty succeeded another, the Imperial line in Japan survived for more than 1,000 years. This may also be the reason why sexually explicit texts continued to be highly valued. Some 4,500 poems survive in the *Manyōshū* collection from the Nara era (710-794 CE), many of them written by women openly expressing sexual longing. The Heian era (794-1185) continued this tradition, where again women poets, such as Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikibu, flourished, while the *Ukiyo* (meaning floating world or pleasure-seeking) tradition continued until the 19th century. By contrast, China became prudish following its transition to a strong neo-Confucian ethic during the 12th century. Indeed, Ye De Hui, the first Chinese scholar to rediscover the *Ishinhō* scrolls, especially Scroll 28, in Japan in 1903 was denounced by his fellow Chinese literary scholars. Furthermore, in the otherwise exhaustive and magisterial work of Fung Yu Lan, *A History of Chinese Philosophy*, written in the 1930s, the Taoist ideas on sexual relations are conspicuous by their complete absence. References to love use the neutral character, *Ren*, meaning benevolence in the filial sense.
Tamba Yasuyoris 1,000-year-old *Ishinhō* is already a national treasure. It deserves to be a world treasure, or a treasured Memory of the World, as the UNESCO category puts it. As the world slowly emerges from the COVID-19 pandemic of the past two years and its disastrous effects on intimacy, we will need to rediscover how important close personal relationships are. We need to recover the will to live that inspired the longevity prescriptions of the *Ishinhō*. Then we can truly sing the greatest love poem of the medieval Western world, the *sestina* of the 12th-century Provençal troubadour Arnaut Daniel:
> *Quen paradis, naura doble joi marma*
> (In paradise, my hearts joy will be doubled)
As the 20th-century French sinologist Marcel Granet put it, sex for the ancient Chinese was far more sacred than for us. It can be so once again for us too.

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Tag: ["Society", "Work", "Resign"] Tag: ["Economy", "Work", "Resign"]
Date: 2022-02-24 Date: 2022-02-24
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Tag: ["Politics", "War", "Russia"]
Date: 2022-03-06
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# The Improbable Rise and Endless Heroism of Volodymyr Zelensky
*Servant of the People*, the 2015 sitcom that made Zelensky a true public figure, was a huge improvement over his other work. It was a well-filmed and heartfelt satire of Ukrainian politics, daring to imagine a fundamentally decent man in the halls of power (think *Mr. Smith Goes to Kyiv*). Interestingly, Zelensky still played his part in Russian. He divested from Quarter 95 to run for office, but named his party “Servant of the People” after the series, providing a remarkably smooth continuity from KVN to politics; thats also when he finally switched languages.
Zelenskys landslide 2019 victory against the incumbent Petro Poroshenko seemed like the wildest plot twist imaginable. In fact, things could have been crazier still: Running alongside him in the same election was one of Ukraines best rock singers, Slava Vakarchuk of the band Okean Elzy, who unlike Zelensky never performed in Russian. Vakarchuk was not just a plausible candidate but the first choice for a large swath of progressive youth, who viewed Zelenskys feel-good centrism as a barely acceptable Plan B. The fear was—ironically—that he would get too cozy with Russia.
As president, Zelenskys peacetime domestic record was so-so. Several of his Quarter 95 colleagues followed him into government, which raised eyebrows. Promising to fight corruption, he had instead, in the judgment of the Wilson Center at the two-year mark of his presidency, “constructed an informal vertical that is far from any good governance or rule of law principles.” He skirted the limits of presidential power in a democracy by straight-up banning three unfriendly TV networks. As the Russian forces massed at the borders, he played a murky game of managing expectations that seemed to frustrate everyone involved. As late as February 21, 2022, the chief editor of the *Kyiv Independen*t was calling Zelensky “dispiritingly mediocre” in an angry [op-ed](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/21/opinion/ukraine-russia-zelensky-putin.html): “Gestures, for him,” she wrote, “are more important than consequences.”
Two days later, Russia invaded.
Suddenly, the right gestures were not just welcome but essential. Mere hours into the war, it was blindingly obvious that, while the Russians might overpower Ukraine militarily, the Ukrainians had grabbed firm control over something no army could wrest away: the narrative. In other words, they achieved unsurpassable meme superiority. The phrase “[Put some seeds in your pockets](https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/brave-ukrainian-woman-tells-russian-soldier-put-sunflower-seeds-in-your-pocket-so-they-grow-when-you-die/ar-AAUhmT1)” barely requires explanation any more. Random [dudes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6SmkMU8rYQ) interrupting live broadcasts become viral stars. The Ukrainian brand of defiant, fatalistic, healthily filthy humor, harkening back to the shtetl and to the Cossacks both, has taken over the world. There seems to be a straight line from the Zaporozhians mythical 1676 [reply](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reply_of_the_Zaporozhian_Cossacks) to the Turkish sultan (“By land and by sea we will battle with thee. Fuck thy mother”) to “Russian warship, go fuck yourself.” And at the top of it all stands Zelensky himself. No man has gone from joke to legend faster.
It took three statements, each a turning point. The first was the speech on the eve of the war, delivered, once again, in Russian and aimed at the people of Russia. “Youve been told Im going to bomb Donbass,” Zelensky said, countering the official Kremlin justification for the strike. “Bomb what? The stadium where me and the local guys cheered for our team at Euro 2012? The bar where we drank when they lost? Luhansk, where my best friends mom lives?”
He name-checked the arena, the street where the bar stood, the bar itself; he was acting like a parent of an abducted child in a movie, addressing the abductor on TV news and saying the childs name over and over. It was an incredibly savvy double play—Zelensky clearly knew this tactic was a Hollywood cliche of sorts, and used it for both its direct purpose (humanize Ukrainians) and its meta-purpose (_Putin is a serial killer_).
The second game-changing communication was his terse and immediately legendary response to the Americans offering to evacuate him from the capital: “I need ammo, not a ride.” The third was even simpler. It was a humble front-camera video shot on the night-time streets of Kyiv, Cabinet members flanking him like a defiant posse, with one message to Ukraine and the world: “Were still here.”
The memeification of Zelensky is overwhelming in its instanteity. There are Captain Ukraine PhotoShop jobs that put his head on Chris Evanss body. Countless photos contrasting him, in a flak jacket and bulletproof vest, with Ted Cruz rolling his suitcase through the airport or Trump in his golfing outfit. Even Trump himself, apparently a Putin ride-or-die, is [praising Zelensky now](https://www.cnn.com/2022/02/26/politics/trump-cpac-putin-ukraine/index.html), leading one observer to [note](https://twitter.com/b_judah/status/1497735284150128640) that “now the president of Ukraine is the more manly man… the fixation switches.”
An interesting subset of this instant myth recasts Zelensky as gangsta: The “Were still here” video became even more popular with the added instrumental from “Shook Ones” by Mobb Deep bumping in the background. Portraits of him with an added “explicit lyrics” sticker proliferate. On Saturday, [Jeremy Renner](https://twitter.com/search?q=%22jeremy%20renner%22%20zelensky&src=typed_query&f=top) trended on Twitter for the sole reason that people decided he looked enough like the man to play him in the inevitable movie. (I dont see it).
This, of course, is just how we happen to deal with the trauma of the unimaginable. Fangirling over Zelensky as an Avenger is the same sanity-preserving dissociation tactic that has, at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, made sex gods from Fauci and (sorry to remind you) Cuomo. Were simple creatures, and thats where our mind goes.
But there is a morbid edge to it, too. This is the first time in my life that I am writing about a countrys president hoping he will not be murdered by the time Im done. The current bout of Zelensky worship is different from our normal fawning over a politician, because this time we want it to work as a protective spell, too. We are making a pop idol out of a man who may be sacrificing his life as we speak, if not live on air, then something very close to it. Were throwing up jokey tributes as insulation against a scarier truth: Zelensky is not a superhero, not a meme, not a vessel for our revenge fantasies against Putin or Trump. He is a human who rose to the occasion. All we can _really_ do is look at him and hope that, if we are called to such unimaginable duty, we have it in us to do the same

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Date: 2022-03-06
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Link: https://www.sfchronicle.com/projects/2022/hamid-hayat/
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# He is still paying for Americas fear
From the moment he applied for his job at the warehouse two years ago, Hamid Hayat worried that his co-workers would find out about his past.
It was hardly a secret: He had written his real name on the application, and anyone who Googled him could find dozens of articles. But he was hired without a problem, earning $16.25 an hour to unload delivery trucks for Amazon at a fulfillment center near the Stockton airport. When Hamid informed his managers he was Muslim and needed a space to pray, he was given access to a room normally reserved for breastfeeding mothers. He knelt on the carpet.
Everyone he met at the vast white building was supportive. One of his supervisors regularly complimented his performance and gave him advice on climbing the corporate ladder. Another praised his energy and agility, saying he moved like a man of 18 or 19.
Tall, lanky and often wearing a baseball cap, Hamid was 37 but came across much younger. He addressed male managers as “sir” and called co-workers “bro.” He was an upbeat presence, smiling through his tasks. His voice was soft except when he talked about sports, and then he would ramble happily about his favorite teams. Last year, he bet a manager that his Cowboys would beat the Raiders on Thanksgiving; when Hamid lost, he came to work in a Raiders face mask.
On a typical day, Hamid arrived to the fulfillment center at 6:45 a.m., put on a reflective vest and went to the dock, where his 10-person team would spend 10 hours unloading pallets of dog food and toilet paper and a million other things Californians had ordered online. He liked the repetition of the tasks, which kept his mind occupied.
It was only during the lulls that he would start to feel anxious. When things got too slow, he would bite his lip and his mind would wander. All of a sudden, the world around him would seem unreal, like he was only dreaming it, dreaming he was free, and would wake up as the person he used to be: a young man behind bars, wrongly convicted of being a terrorist, surrounded by the grim quiet of a federal lockup.
Then the next trailer would pull into the dock, and hed remember where he was.
One day early last year, Hamid was having trouble concentrating on his work. He confided in a co-worker that he was feeling “mentally drained” and might need to take a short leave. She asked if he wanted to talk about it. They found a private place to sit.
“Do you know who I am?” Hamid asked her. “Google my name.”
She took out her phone and tapped a few keys.
“I cant believe it,” she said.
He paused, trying to think of what to say next.
Aside from talks with his family and his lawyers, Hamid had never shared his full story — an almost unbelievable series of events that stretched from California to Pakistan to a secretive Midwestern prison unit known as Little Gitmo. It began in the first chaotic months after 9/11, when the FBI, vowing to prevent the next terrorist attack, swept up hundreds of Muslim Americans and accused them of planning atrocious violence, at times building thin cases based on the work of paid informants who slipped in and out of mosques and schools.
Many of the suspects they snared were young men like Hamid, who, according to prosecutors at his 2006 trial, “had a jihadi heart and had a jihadi mind.” Convicted, he would lose 14 years of his life to jail and prison, before a long legal battle exposed flaws in the trial and weaknesses in the governments case, setting him free in 2019.
Sitting at the Amazon warehouse now, Hamid wondered how to explain all of this to his co-worker. It was a story of loss, but not the kind that most Americans are used to hearing when they think about 9/11 today, two decades after the attacks. He didnt know how she would react.
But he took a risk. He started to open up. And he did something that, to his great regret, he did not always do as a younger man when giving people a look inside his heart and his mind.
This time, he told the truth.
Hamid Hayat checks his phone after praying at his home in Stockton, where he lives with his parents.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
The simplest way to explain how Hamid ended up in prison is that he made the wrong friend at the wrong time. The friend was an FBI informant, and the time was August 2002.
Hamid was living in Lodi, the San Joaquin County town just north of Stockton surrounded by vineyards and fruit farms. Billing itself as “Livable, Lovable Lodi” since the 1950s, the warm weather and demand for farm labor had long attracted immigrants from Pakistan, including Hamids father, Umer.
A resourceful, uneducated man from a farming village called Behboodi, Umer had arrived in the 1970s, hoping to escape poverty and start a family. After years as a laborer, picking grapes and cherries in Lodis fields, he bought a modest yellow house and an ice-cream truck with a picture of Homer Simpson on the side. He became the neighborhood ice-cream man.
In the yellow house, Umer and his wife, Oma, raised two sons and two daughters. All were born in the United States but spent time in Pakistan while they were young, including Hamid, who was the eldest. In 1991, when he was 9, his father pulled Hamid out of public school and sent him to stay with his grandparents in Rawalpindi, a twin city of the capital, Islamabad.
Hamids maternal grandfather was a prominent Islamic scholar who ran his own madrassa, a religious school. Umer imagined that Hamid would learn about Islam there and eventually return to the U.S. with prospects as a religious scholar and teacher, possibly following in his grandfathers footsteps.
During a decade of schooling in Pakistan, though, young Hamid failed to impress his teachers and extended family. He often ignored his studies to play cricket and goof around with friends. Relatives came to see Hamid as a good-hearted slacker, sweet but dim. Feeling insecure — “I didnt have confidence in myself,” he recalls now — he said he often compensated by making up stories.
Hamid, wearing a white cap at center rear, with relatives in Pakistan, where he went to school and stayed with his grandparents from 1991 to 2000.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Once in his late teens, a local doctor stopped by his grandparents house in Rawalpindi. Hamid started telling the man that his father, Umer, owned a Kmart back in the United States. Hamids brother and two cousins, Jaber and Usama, observed this exchange with amazement, thinking, *Why is this guy bullshitting?* Jaber later recalled.
When the doctor left, Usama told Hamid: “One day this bullshit is going to catch up to you.”
Hamids stint in Pakistan came to an end in 2000, when he contracted severe meningitis and briefly fell into a coma. His sister Raheela was staying in Pakistan and visited him at an Islamabad hospital. She noticed that the disease, which can cause permanent brain damage, seemed to have altered Hamids personality: He jumped up and down on the bed with her, “acting like a little kid with me,” Raheela later remembered.
After Hamid and other family members returned to California, Hamids odd behavior persisted. “Hes supposed to grow up; hes supposed to be an adult,” Raheela said, but he was having “tantrums” and “acting more like a kid.” Instead of living inside the yellow house with his parents and siblings, Hamid preferred the garage, where he placed a mattress, a PlayStation and a TV. He zoned out watching Bollywood movies.
In Lodi, Hamid turned 19 on Sept. 10, 2001, a day before 9/11. He didnt know anyone in the Muslim American community who approved of the attacks — “It was evil,” he said. Hamid and his family had long attended a small, mostly unadorned mosque in Lodi, and the Hayats continued to pray there even as others stopped, fearing harassment.
Today Hamid remembers this period as one of the loneliest of his life. After so many years in Pakistan, his English fluency had dimmed, making him stumble over words. He tried to find meaningful work, enrolling at a community college and teaching Islam to some local children for a time, but nothing stuck. “I wanted my life to be a purpose — to, like, really help people out,” he told me last year during one of our dozens of conversations. “But I dont know if I have the ability.”
Then, when he was almost 20, Hamid met someone at the mosque who told him he was smart and capable, and suddenly he didnt feel so alone.
Naseem Khan was new in town, and chatty. He was 29, almost a decade older than Hamid, and said he was a computer technician helping the mosques two imams. He wore crisp tucked-in shirts and drove a new Dodge Durango.
Because Khan said he did not have family nearby, Hamid invited him to dinner at the Hayat home, and soon Khan was a regular presence there. He took to calling Umer “Dad.” Oma cooked for him. “Tell your sister,” Khan said to Hamid one day, “that she makes wonderful tea.”
On March 6, 2003, Hamid and Khan were joking around in the garage, bantering in Pashto salted with occasional phrases of Urdu and English. Hamid smoked Marlboro Reds; Khan teased him that his lighter never worked. Hamid groused for a bit about the sorry state of his love life — awkward around women, he wondered if someone had placed a curse on him — and lamented that Pakistans national cricket team had not qualified for the World Cup. He offered tea to his friend.
Khan abruptly changed the subject.
“Have you watched the news?” Khan asked.
“No, about what?” Hamid asked. “The al Qaeda thing?”
“About — that man theyve caught,” Khan replied. “Whats his name?”
Five days before, the CIA had captured Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, a top al Qaeda planner of the 9/11 attacks, in Pakistan.
“Uh,” Hamid stammered. “Kh — Sheikh Khalid Mahmood?”
“Khalid Sheikh Mohammed,” corrected Khan.
“Hes not the real one, see,” Hamid replied, suddenly seeming quite knowledgeable about the terrorist whose name he had just mangled. “The other day … I called Pakistan, right? Theyre saying this is not that person. Hes a lookalike.”
“Its possible, man,” Hamid said.
During these casual chats, it was common for Khan to steer into current events and religious controversies. He often claimed to possess little knowledge of politics or Islam, asking Hamid to school him.
“I know youre better than me when it comes to Islam,” Khan told him. “Im proud of you. I wish I was like you.”
One day, when Hamid was talking about cricket, Khan segued into a discussion of “jihad,” saying he planned to “fight for jihad” in Pakistan.
During his years in Pakistan, he had developed a fascination with Islamic fundamentalism, clipping Urdu-language articles about extremist groups and Pakistani politics and keeping them in a scrapbook. Now, he showed the scrapbook to Khan, eager to impress him.
In this and other chats, Hamid boasted to Khan that his family carried influence in extremist circles. Saying that “jihad is the duty of every Muslim,” Hamid claimed he knew young men from his grandfathers madrassa in Pakistan who had trained as fighters. He admired them, he said, and suggested that his relatives could help aspiring jihadists gain access to training camps. Hamid even said he knew of such a camp in Mansehra, an area in Pakistans rugged and mountainous Northwest Frontier province.
Hamid also made some antisemitic comments to Khan. In one conversation, Hamid asked Khan if he had heard of Daniel Pearl, the Jewish American reporter beheaded by Pakistani militants in February 2002.
“They killed him,” Hamid told Khan. “Im so pleased about that. They cut him into pieces and sent him back. … That was a good job they did. Now they cant send one Jewish person to Pakistan.”
Its painful for Hamid to look back on this period, he told me. “Do you ever wonder about things you did when you were 18, 19?” he asked. “I might scream at the younger version of myself, right? Like, why did you do this? Why didnt you do that?”
As far as he knew, Khan was his best friend. Around the time they first met, in 2002, Hamid was feeling so down on himself that he began to contemplate suicide. When he decided to confide these feelings, Khan was the one he told.
“I thought hes like an older brother to me,” Hamid said. “I looked up to him, honestly.”
Left: The Hayats lived in this small home in a quiet Lodi neighborhood but had to sell it to pay legal bills. Right: The mosque in Lodi where the Hayats once prayed.Paul Chinn / The Chronicle 2005
A year and a half earlier, two FBI agents knocked on the apartment door of an Oregon convenience store clerk.
The agents hoped to speak with the owner of an Islamic charity they were investigating, but they were on unfamiliar ground. The Bend FBI office was small, with one supervisor and five agents. They were more accustomed to probing crimes on a nearby Native American reservation than tracking the finances of terror networks. But it was Oct. 17, 2001. The World Trade Center wreckage was still smoking, the public was fearful of future violence — and the bureau was scouring every part of the country for leads.
The store clerk, Naseem Khan, realized immediately that they were confused: His first and last names are common in Pakistan, and the agents were looking for a different Naseem Khan.
He didnt mind the intrusion, though. He had told girlfriends that he dreamed of a career in law enforcement. And now the wrong Naseem Khan began to tell the FBI agents a fantastic tale about terrorism — one that linked a notorious al Qaeda fugitive to a tiny mosque in California.
Khan had once lived in Lodi and attended the mosques services, and he claimed that, back in 1999, members of Afghanistans Taliban had spoken to the congregation. He said he was certain he had seen one of the men on a poster of the FBIs most wanted terrorists. When an agent borrowed Khans computer and pulled up a copy of the poster, Khan pointed to Ayman al-Zawahiri, an Egyptian commander of al Qaeda, second only to Osama bin Laden.
The FBI had been hunting al-Zawahiri since 1998 for his role in bombing U.S. embassies in East Africa. “Khan stated he could still picture the priestlike al-Zawahiri standing up in front of the audience, speaking Urdu and lecturing about Allah,” the Bend agents wrote in a record of the interview.
The story was dubious at best — try to picture one of the worlds most wanted al Qaeda terrorists openly hanging out with his Taliban buddies near the capital of California — and bureau analysts in New York later concluded that the possibility was “remote,” according to an FBI memo.
Khans past might have further damaged his credibility. Born in Pakistan and brought to the U.S. in his teens, he had once filed a false report of abuse against his mother. She [disowned him](https://theintercept.com/2016/11/19/star-witness-lodi-sleeper-cell-case-naseem-khan-trail-of-lies/), later writing in a letter to Hamids lawyer that her son was “a bagful of lies, deceit and air,” the Intercept reported. At 19, Khan pleaded guilty to passing a bad check. He kicked around California and the Pacific Northwest for years, working at Wienerschnitzel and Taco Bell before landing at the convenience store in Bend.
Even so, the FBI was intrigued by Khan and his offer of help. He spoke Urdu and Pashto and could enter the Lodi mosque without arousing suspicion. His “unique access,” Sacramento agents wrote in a memo, “could allow Sacramento to criminally prove that individuals in Lodi, California are raising money to support terrorist activities.”
The bureaus eagerness to work with Khan was part of a broader shift in FBI strategy after 9/11. Agents began setting up undercover stings in communities with large populations of Muslims, often with the help of informants who pretended to be extremists, and even provided targets with fake bomb materials.
The government said the people they arrested were intent on violence; lawyers for many defendants said their clients were either mentally ill or easily coerced, roped into plots they didnt understand. Republicans and Democrats alike supported the FBIs tactics, which began with President George W. Bush and continued under President Barack Obama.
The Sacramento FBI relocated Naseem Khan to Lodi at the end of 2001, paying for his moving expenses, his car and rent for his new apartment. The bureau gave him an additional $3,000 to $3,500 a month, ultimately totaling $225,000. Khan was assigned a code name, “Wildcat,” and sent into the mosque with a recording device. He would capture more than 1,000 hours of audio for the FBI.
Initially, the bureau sought information about the mosques two imams, Shabbir Ahmed and Mohammed Adil Khan, natives of Pakistan staying in the U.S. on religious-worker visas. Officials were aware that Ahmed had delivered a pro-Taliban speech to an audience overseas, and the FBI believed the imams were trying to establish a “radical madrassa” on U.S. soil, officials later said. But although Khan succeeded in cozying up to the imams, they said little of interest to the FBI, and by mid-2002, the bureau had almost nothing to show for months of investment and effort.
Then, by chance, at the mosque, Khan ran into Hamid — the young man with the scrapbook, a curiosity about militants and a big mouth.
The Sacramento agents had never heard of Hamid before. But when Khan told the FBI about their talks — and Hamids claims that his Pakistani relatives were tied to extremism — the government wanted to know more. At the FBIs direction, “Wildcat” conducted a series of extended conversations with Hamid throughout the second half of 2002 and into 2003. Khan secretly recorded some of them and did not record others.
That April, Hamid and his family traveled to Pakistan for what would be his second extended stay in that country. Umer had saved enough money to build a house in his native Behboodi, and Oma, who suffered from hepatitis, arranged to receive medical care in nearby Rawalpindi.
### Hamids life in Pakistan ###
Born in the U.S., Hamid spent part of his childhood in Pakistan, studying religion there from 1991 to 2000. He went back to the country with his family in 2003, staying for two years and marrying a Pakistani woman before returning to California. Federal prosecutors accused Hamid of attending a jihadist training camp during his second stint in Pakistan, but Hamid and multiple eyewitnesses said he could not possibly have attended a camp. **Select a city to find out more.**
Alex K. Fong and Jason Fagone / The Chronicle
During the two-year trip, Hamid spent most of his time in the village playing video games and cricket, according to him, his sister, his cousins and other acquaintances. Several times he accompanied Oma to Rawalpindi for her treatments, and some weekends he went to Islamabad to eat American food and watch movies. Twice, he traveled with family to the town of Multan. He was almost never alone, his friends and family later told courts.
At the start of the trip, Hamid kept in touch with Khan, who called often from California. But soon Hamid grew wary of their conversations. Something didnt feel right, he thought.
Earlier that year, Hamid had told Khan he planned to attend a camp while in Pakistan: “Im ready,” he had said, “I swear.” But by this point, Hamid had made a lot of bold claims to his friend, ranging from the implausible to the obviously false.
He had said he knew that al Qaeda maintained five to six branches in the U.S., communicating through pay phones. In Khans presence, Hamid had told an undercover FBI agent named Terry Rankhorn that his uncle was the king of Pakistan and could get Rankhorn a carton of hard-to-find cigarettes. (Rankhorn spoke with Hamid several times and felt that Hamids claims were “more boasting than actual substance,” the agent later testified.)
Even Khan found Hamid to be an unreliable narrator, once telling Umer that his son was a “liar.” But now, in summer 2003, when Khan called Hamid from California, he demanded to know why Hamid wasnt going to a camp like hed said.
“Thats all he wanted to talk about was stuff like that,” Hamid told me. “He was more pushing me.”
On the phone with Khan, Hamid offered excuses, saying the weather wasnt right and his mother was too ill. In a July 2003 call, Khan swore at him, saying Hamid was “wasting time” by taking care of his mother.
“You fucking lie up your ass,” Khan said. “You fucking sleep for half the day, all day. … You wake up … light up a cigarette … like a loafer.”
Hamid replied, “Exactly. What else am I going to do?”
Finally, Khan burst out in anger, telling Hamid he needed to “be a man,” get back into his grandfathers madrassa and straighten his mind. “God willing,” Khan said, “when I come to Pakistan and I see you, Im going to fucking force you to,” adding that he could “beat your ass in Pakistan, so nobodys going to come to your rescue.”
“Im not going to go with that,” Hamid replied calmly. According to Hamid, he later told Khan in an unrecorded conversation that hed been lying all along and never intended to go to a camp.
Though his friendship with Khan was now ruptured, Hamid was unfazed, as he soon had other things on his mind. In 2004, his parents arranged for him to marry a young woman from Behboodi.
He met her for the first time at the start of their multiday wedding celebration. Hamid was nervous when they started talking, worried that they might not get along, but soon they were chatting like old friends. She was an aspiring fashion designer who sewed womens dresses, and he admired her ambition.
“It was a love marriage,” recalled Ismail Khan, a friend of the Hayat family who grew up in Behboodi and now lives in Stockton. “They really liked each other. In my community, thats not that easy.”
At the wedding, there was dancing and traditional Pakistani food, plates of rice and beef and chicken. Some of the men fired celebratory shots into the air with rifles, as was custom at weddings in the region. Hamid was reluctant to shoot, telling a cousin he feared a bullet would fall from the sky and hit him.
He and his wife lived together for several months in the village, making plans for a permanent life in California. She did not have a U.S. visa, so they agreed Hamid would return to Lodi with his mother and sisters, then bring her over as soon as possible.
In late May 2005, the Hayats boarded a plane bound for San Francisco, with a layover in South Korea. In his wallet, Hamid carried a *tawiz* — a capsule containing a prayer written on a slip of paper. A friend of the family had given it to him, saying he should keep it in his pocket for good luck. Hamid had never opened the capsule or read the prayer inside, he later told me.
Waiting for their connecting flight in the South Korea airport, Hamid noticed a security guard walk past him several times. He thought it was strange. The family boarded, and the plane took off.
Then, in midair, Hamid felt it turn around.
The crew announced that the flight was being diverted to Tokyo. A dangerous passenger needed to be removed.
Umer Hayat and wife Oma raised two daughters and two sons, including Hamid, the eldest.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
The Hayats were met at the airport by security personnel. Onlookers snapped pictures. His sisters — Najia was 18, Raheela was 10 — were afraid. “My mom said to smile because we havent done anything,” Raheela recalled.
The women and Hamid were taken into separate rooms and questioned. A calm, respectful FBI agent asked Hamid if he was involved with any gangs in Pakistan. Hamid was confused: No, nothing to do with gangs. What about terrorist groups? Hamid said the FBI had the wrong person. He showed his marriage certificate.
Hamid “is pretty thin, and didnt strike me as someone who would have recently attended anything involving rigorous training,” the agent emailed colleagues. “He was very soft spoken and polite, actually pleasant.” The Hayats were allowed to continue to California.
Back at the yellow house in Lodi, Hamid forgot the incident and focused on one goal: helping his wife obtain paperwork to join him. When that happened, Umer and Oma would throw a reception party and the newlyweds would get their own place. Hamid couldnt wait. To provide for his new family, he began working as a cherry packer at a local warehouse for a few bucks an hour. He made plans to re-enroll in community college.
“I felt like, OK, Im moving in the right direction,” he remembered. “You know what? I got a job. Just start off right here. Focus on my education. Bring her here and move on with life.”
Then, on June 3, two FBI agents knocked on the door of the yellow house.
The men were polite. They said they wanted to speak with Hamid. Umer invited them inside. He said his son was sleeping — Hamid had worked a late shift — and went to wake him up. The FBI interviewed the father and son separately, asking again if Hamid had attended a terrorist camp in Pakistan. Hamid again said no, he wasnt a terrorist. Umer defended his son, saying the Hayats had been in America 30 years and believed in peace.
The agents then asked if Hamid would answer a few more questions at FBI headquarters, and he agreed. Umer told his son not to worry — they had done nothing wrong.
The following morning, Umer took Hamid to the FBI office in Sacramento. They did not have a lawyer. An agent took Hamid into a room around 11 a.m. while Umer paced in the lobby. This experience was different.
In multiple interview sessions over the next 16 hours, Hamid would be aggressively questioned by five agents who “turned into monsters,” Hamid recalled.
Hamid said that when he once again denied attending a terrorist camp, agents yelled that he was lying. One agent showed him photos found in Hamids luggage, depicting men with rifles; Hamid explained that the photos were from his wedding and celebratory gunfire was typical.
During an interrogation, police are generally allowed to lie to elicit a confession, and as a tactic, the FBI asked Hamid a question: “Why would we have a picture of you on satellite image in 2003 in your most recent trip to Pakistan?” An agent administered a polygraph test to Hamid, then told him he failed it. (This may have been another tactic; the FBI never produced a record of the polygraph.)
Hamid didnt know it then, but the FBI was in the dark when it came to his recent time overseas. The bureau had never done an investigation inside Pakistan to find out what he was doing there, and they had no photos showing Hamid at any camp. FBI officials later said they lacked the infrastructure to work a case in Pakistan. James Wedick, a retired FBI agent turned private investigator who ended up [assisting Hamids defense team](https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2006-may-28-tm-wedick22-story.html), told me this was untrue. “We had agents stationed there,” he said.
According to a 2003 Congressional Research Service [report](https://sgp.fas.org/crs/row/RL31624.pdf) and investigations by the [New York Times](https://www.nytimes.com/2002/07/14/world/fbi-and-military-unite-in-pakistan-to-hunt-al-qaeda.html) and [Los Angeles Times](https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2002-aug-25-fg-fbipak25-story.html), the FBI was then conducting joint operations with Pakistani officials to hunt terror suspects in that country, involving dozens to hundreds of U.S. law enforcement personnel. Yet “no one ever tried to verify what he was doing overseas,” said Wedick, referring to Hamid. “It was so bizarre.”
In the interrogation room, after more than four hours of questioning, Hamid felt his head buzzing. The FBI provided no Urdu or Pashto interpreter, and he was struggling to find the right English words. “My brain was dead asleep,” he recalled in one of our interviews last year. “I kept on denying, denying, denying it, and I just got tired.” So he changed his answers. Did he go to a camp? “Im like, Yes, I did. I just said it so they can let me go.”
At this point, the FBI agents began to film Hamids responses. (They had not recorded his earlier denials, they would later testify, because proper equipment was not immediately available.)
The bureau pressed Hamid for details about the camp. He said he had gone there thinking it was for religious education, not for weapons training.
Where was it? The town of Balakot, he said, in Pakistans Northwest Frontier province.
Could he draw a map? He made a crude scribble of a road and some bushes.
The agents asked what he did at the camp. Hamid replied that men gave him a rifle, but he was too skinny to hold it (“rifle training is very hard, sir”), so they made him work in the kitchen.
At one point, an agent asked Hamid how he would receive attack orders. Hamid responded, “Maybe, uh, send a letter or anything like that, maybe.”
Hamid said he was at the camp for three months, four months, or possibly six or seven. He said his uncle ran the camp, or his grandfather, or al Qaeda, or it had no leaders at all. The location, in his telling, shifted from Balakot to Kashmir to Afghanistan to Tora Bora.
As hours went by, the agents grew frustrated. They seemed to grasp that Hamids story was incoherent, that the details did not add up, but they attributed this to his reluctance and not to their own confusion; none of them had much counterterrorism experience or familiarity with Pakistan, as they later testified in court.
Meanwhile, Umer had been taken into another room for questioning.
Interviewers told Umer they knew his son had attended a terrorist camp. Hamid, they said, had just confessed. Umer insisted his son was no terrorist, asking for a Quran so he could swear on it. But then the FBI showed him footage of Hamids interview, and now Umer changed his answers, too.
Yes, Umer said, he knew his son had gone to a camp. He said he had allowed it and even personally toured multiple camps to observe training activities. He described a massive underground compound where 1,000 jihadis, some resembling a “Ninja Turtle,” practiced crossing bodies of water by pole vaulting.
“They were playing us,” Umer told me. “They were making us very stupid. I just started to lie with them. I was trying to go home.”
Neither man understood the legal peril they were in. During a break in Hamids interview, he told one of the agents about his recent wedding and asked if the man wanted to attend the upcoming reception.
The FBI brought him pizza and soda. Hamid ate, smoked outside and waited for several hours at the office. Past midnight, questioning resumed. Hamid told agents he was tired and had a headache. Toward the end of the interrogation, close to 3 a.m., when an agent said the FBI was going to arrest him now — “Hamid, youre going to jail” — it didnt fully register.
“Yeah,” Hamid responded, without any apparent emotion. “So am I going to get a place to sleep over there like that?”
“Its jail, Hamid, you know that?”
“I know its a jail,” he replied, “but can I lay down?”
Hamid was handcuffed and taken to the Sacramento County jail. Later that day, Umer was arrested and brought there, too. The FBI also arrested the two Lodi imams, accusing them of overstaying their visas.
Within weeks, a federal grand jury indicted both Hamid and Umer on charges of lying to the FBI. The father and son would be put on trial together.
During 14 years of incarceration, 12 in federal prisons, Hamid bonded with many other prisoners from various walks of life.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Wazhma Mojaddidi was running errands in Sacramento when she got the call that changed her life.
On June 5, 2005, the 30-year-old lawyer and volunteer with the Council on American-Islamic Relations picked up her phone and heard the voice of Basim Elkarra, CAIRs Sacramento Valley director. He said hed received a troubling tip: FBI agents had just interviewed a Lodi father and son in some kind of terrorism investigation.
Elkarra wasnt sure what was going on, and he asked Mojaddidi to help him find out. Born in Afghanistan and married to a man from Pakistan, Mojaddidi was a rookie attorney, having graduated from law school just two years earlier. But the situation sounded urgent, and she spoke the Hayats native languages, Urdu and Pashto. “I said, OK, well, let me see what I can do,” she remembered.
A Lodi community leader had also contacted a second lawyer, Johnny Griffin, a criminal defense attorney and former prosecutor with decades of cases under his belt. Mojaddidi went with him to the FBI building, where the interrogations of Umer and Hamid had just concluded. Trying to get a sense of which Hayat would be facing the most serious charges, Griffin asked the FBI, “Which ones the heavy?” Officials indicated that Umer was, Mojaddidi recalled.
Mostly for this reason, the lawyers decided that while they would work together on the defense of the Hayats, the more experienced Griffin should take the lead and represent Umer, while Mojaddidi — who had never tried a criminal case before — would defend Hamid.
When she met him in jail for the first time, Hamid seemed “very, very simpleminded,” Mojaddidi said. “Like a child, not sophisticated in any sense. But he would say, No, I am not pleading guilty to this, because that in itself would be a big lie. ” She believed Hamid when he said he had never attended a camp. He said several times he would take his chances in court and place his trust in God.
Neither attorney had any idea what was about to unfold.
Two days after arresting the Hayats, the FBI unsealed an affidavit filled with sensational new details. Not only had Hamid confessed to attending a “jihadist” camp “run by al-Qaeda,” the sworn statement alleged, but he had conducted target practice with a picture of President George W. Bushs face while “being trained on how to kill Americans.” The government said he was working with others to plan an attack in the U.S., potentially targeting “hospitals and large food stores.”
Soon the global media converged on Lodi, interviewing residents about the alleged al Qaeda terrorists in their midst. On June 8, 2005, a row of TV cameras stretched wall to wall at the Sacramento office of U.S. Attorney McGregor Scott, who was heading the investigation and had called a news conference. He appeared with Keith Slotter, Sacramentos lead FBI special agent.
“We believe through our investigation that various individuals connected to al Qaeda have been operating in the Lodi area,” Slotter told reporters. (Later, U.S. officials released a diagram that featured photos of Osama bin Laden and prominent Taliban figures connected by lines to mug shots of Hamid and Umer.) Evening news broadcasts led with the story of “al Qaeda in America,” as an ABC anchor put it.
The message, from both the government and the news media, was clear: Al Qaeda had set up shop in California, and the Hayats were at the center of the plot.
The news spread fear through the Central Valleys Muslim American community, recalled CAIRs Elkarra. “People were confused,” he said. At first, the Hayats neighbors defended them to reporters. “And then the following week it was just like, Oh my God, I cant believe my neighbor was a terrorist,’” Elkarra recalled. But when he spoke with people who had known the Hayats for years, they insisted that Hamid and Umer were good people and that the charges must be wrong.
Indeed, almost immediately after the arrests, officials walked back some claims. No, there was no evidence of a plot to attack hospitals or grocery stores, the FBI told the media. No, there was no al Qaeda connection either — mention of the terror group had been a mistake, and [Scott later told ](https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/enemywithin/)[reporters with the PBS documentary series](https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/enemywithin/)[](https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/enemywithin/)[“Frontline”](https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/enemywithin/) he regretted it. That July, officials said they would not pursue visa-related charges against the two imams if they agreed to be deported; the imams, denying any link to terrorism, left the country.
When it came to the Hayats, however, the Justice Department dialed up the pressure.
In September 2005, Scott announced an updated indictment that charged Hamid with providing “material support” for terrorism, in addition to the counts of lying. According to the new charge, Hamid had attended a training camp in Pakistan “during a period of months,” then returned to the U.S. intending to “wage violent jihad.”
U.S. Attorney McGregor Scott outlines terrorism charges against Hamid Hayat in 2005.Steve Yeater / Special to The Chronicle 2005
The Justice Department adopted this strategy in hundreds of terror cases after 9/11, arguing that defendants like Hamid — who had committed no violence — were *likely* to do so because they had given money or their own bodies to terrorist groups. “When a terrorist blows up a building, youre prosecuting the people who bomb the building. Youre looking at the bricks that fell apart,” David Deitch, one of the prosecutors at Hamids trial, told me. But a material support case is different, he said, because the government is trying to stop violence before it happens.
“Laudable goal, of course,” Deitch added. “Its difficult to prove because its hard to get in peoples minds. You have to prove what peoples actions and intent was, and intent is always in peoples heads.”
The trial was shaping up to be complex, featuring two separate juries, one for Umer and one Hamid. The juries would hear some testimony together and some apart. Although it was clear by the fall of 2005 that Hamid faced far more serious charges than his father, Mojadiddi remained his lawyer, not the more experienced Griffin. And as she prepared for the trial, Mojadiddi made a fateful decision: She would not present an alibi defense.
There were relatives and friends who had been with Hamid almost every day in Pakistan from October 2003 to November 2004, the period when the government said he spent “months” at a remote camp. The witnesses said he couldnt possibly have done that. But in speaking with some of Hamids family members and consulting with Griffin, Mojaddidi decided that “those people would have made really bad witnesses,” she told me, because the government would simply portray anyone close to the Hayat family as a potential terrorist.
Mojaddidi thought she could win the case without an alibi defense, she said, as long as she could highlight the weakness of the governments evidence — particularly Hamids confession to the FBI. She happened to know Wedick, the former FBI agent, and asked him to watch footage of the interrogation. A 35-year bureau veteran and private investigator, Wedick was shocked by the video — Hamid was clearly “saying anything to get out of that room,” Wedick told me — and he offered to help the defense mostly free of charge.
In summer and fall 2005, as the trial drew closer, Americas war on terrorism was intensifying. U.S. troops poured into Iraq and Afghanistan, and Bush warned about sleeper cells in the homeland. During an October speech, he claimed law enforcement had disrupted “three al Qaeda plots to attack inside the United States” since 9/11, apparently referencing the Hayats.
“We will not relent,” Bush said.
Umer Hayat is released from federal custody in May 2006, flanked by Johnny Griffin (left), his attorney, and Wazhma Mojaddidi, his sons attorney.Max Whittaker / Associated Press 2006
“He talked about jihad, jihad, jihad,” prosecutor Laura Ferris said of Hamid, addressing the jury at the start of his trial.
It began in February 2006, in the Sacramento courtroom of federal Judge Garland Burrell Jr., a former district attorney appointed by the presidents father, George H.W. Bush. Defending Hamid, the inexperienced Mojadiddi was up against a team of seasoned government prosecutors that included Deitch, a veteran of other prominent counterterror trials, and Robert Tice-Raskin, who would later become a California state judge.
Deitch recently told me that, going into the trial, the team felt confident it could prove Hamids guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. “Everyone believed in what we were doing,” he said. “We had evidence that all kind of fit neatly together,” showing that Hamid “had bought into the whole idea of jihad.”
In court, the government used Hamids words against him, sharing pieces of his FBI confession and his inflammatory comments to Khan, who appeared and gave testimony as the governments star witness. Prosecutors also displayed Hamids collection of Pakistani newspaper articles, describing it as a “jihadist scrapbook.”
Then there was “the throat note,” as prosecutors dubbed it — the Arabic prayer inside Hamids *tawiz*, the capsule found in his wallet. Their translation read, “Oh Allah, we place you at their throats, and we seek refuge in you from their evils.”
A professor of religion at San Diego State University testified for the government that only a “jihadist” who is “in the act of being a warrior” would carry such a prayer. Prosecutors said the “throat note” was particularly damning: Unlike the scrapbook, which could have been the product of mere curiosity about violent extremism, the prayer, they argued, meant that Hamid had returned to the U.S. with a violent mission.
Prosecutors needed to wring meaning from the prayer. Aside from Hamids confession, they had no evidence that he attended a camp. They showed the jury a handful of aerial photos, taken in 2001 and 2004, of an area in Balakot, one place Hamid had mentioned in his confession. A Department of Defense analyst testified that the satellite images bore some features of a terrorist training camp — he was 50% sure, he said, calling his guess a “good strong possible” — but admitted that the location might be a Pakistani military facility instead.
Mojaddidi found this strange: The site was only a 4 ½-hour drive from Islamabad. Why the mystery? Did U.S. agents inspect it on foot? Were there other aerial pictures? When she asked about additional photos, though, prosecutors said the answers were classified — and although Mojaddidi could have applied for a security clearance, she never did, so she was unable to view any secret materials.
By all accounts, Mojaddidi worked hard to prepare for the trial, later saying in a deposition that she believed she could “learn on the job.” Still, she made some key mistakes out of inexperience, judges would later find.
For instance, she did not get an expert on police interrogation methods to question the validity of Hamids confession. Mojaddidi spent a lot of time in court highlighting its inconsistencies, telling the jury that the FBI manipulated Hamid into answering leading questions, “getting him to say what they wanted him to say.” But without an expert to provide context about the psychology of false confessions, it can be difficult for juries to grasp why someone would admit to a crime he didnt commit.
The government took advantage of this lapse. “Why would he lie?” a prosecutor asked the jury. “How, in a post-9/11 world,” could Hamid sit with the FBI and “describe how he was just curious, so he went to these camps, if it were not true?”
Mojaddidi also failed to effectively challenge the governments view of the “throat note” from Hamids *tawiz*. When Mojaddidi was younger, she told me, she had worn a similar item and knew how common they were in Pakistani culture. So she understood that the San Diego State professors description of the prayer as a jihadi battle cry was dubious.
The prayer, in fact, is meant to protect people when they travel, and other translations do not include the word “throat,” Middle East scholars would later tell the Atlantic magazine. But although Mojaddidi did cross-examine the professor, she did not make legal objections to his testimony or call her own Arabic-speaking expert to interpret the prayer.
Looking back on the trial now, Mojaddidi defends her efforts, saying she looked for experts but couldnt find anyone who wanted to stick their neck out for a terrorism suspect at a moment when so many Americans were afraid of Muslims. “Back then, in that climate, in that culture, it was very different,” she told me. “Just getting people to want to be involved in this case, where a person had admitted, confessed, to going to a camp — you didnt want to be tied to that.”
Prosecutors invoked 9/11 throughout the trial and in its final moments. In his closing statement, Deitch conjured images of Hamid potentially spraying “a crowd with an AK-47” or wearing “a backpack full of explosives into a crowded shopping mall.” He posed a question to jurors: What if the government had left Hamid alone, knowing what they knew, and then such an attack occurred? Wasnt it the FBIs duty to intervene?
Jurors considering Umers innocence or guilt deliberated for eight days before they announced they were deadlocked. His case was declared a mistrial, and he ultimately struck a deal, pleading guilty to lying about a minor financial issue in exchange for other charges against him to be dropped. Umer would go free.
On April 25, 2006, Hamids verdict was read: guilty on all counts, including the terror charge.
His advocates were startled and disappointed. Wedick sat in the courtroom feeling intense disgust. “There was no case,” he told me. “It was about nothing.”
Mojaddidi found herself gazing at the jury box. The court had just polled the jurors individually, asking if they agreed with the verdict, and when one woman responded that she did agree, she seemed to contort her face, as if she felt the opposite. *This doesnt seem right*, the lawyer thought.
Hamid barely reacted, remaining calm, as he had throughout the two months of arguments. Sitting at the defense table, he had observed it all with detachment. He told me he had often felt an urge to laugh out loud in court: The governments narrative about him seemed melodramatic, cheesy, like something “from a movie,” he said. He had become a spectator to his own life, a character in a story America was telling itself.
Top: A braid of hair, grown and cut during Hamid's incarceration and kept as a keepsake. Above: A Federal Bureau of Prisons identification card, part of materials kept by Hamid.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Hamid was 25 when the government gave him a beige prison uniform and locked the solid metal door to his small cell. The room was bare except for a sink, a toilet, a desk and a mattress. Insects crawled through fissures in the walls. A tiny window covered with bars looked out to the gray skies of Terre Haute, Ind., more than 2,000 miles from his family in California and half a planet from the wife in Pakistan hed barely gotten to know.
The system had come down hard. At sentencing, Judge Burrell had given him a term of 24 years, declaring that Hamid “attended a terrorist training camp and returned to the United States, ready and willing to wage violent jihad when directed to do so.” Then Hamid had received a notice from the Bureau of Prisons that he would be sent to a Communications Management Unit. Hed never heard of such a place, and he was unaware of its nickname: Little Gitmo, a reference to Guantanamo Bay, the U.S.-run military prison in Cuba.
The unit, a restricted area within the Terre Haute federal prison, was part of a U.S. effort after 9/11 to gather terrorism convicts in one place and subject them to intense surveillance. Hamid and about 50 other men were now confined here, most of them Arab Muslims.
By and large, these werent the most notorious terrorists in the country. Those men, like al Qaeda operative Zacarias Moussaoui and the 1996 Olympics bomber Eric Rudolph, were held at an even more secure Supermax facility in Colorado. The prisoners in Terre Haute were instead “a hodgepodge of second-tier terrorism inmates,” as the Washington Post described them in a 2007 article.
A few doors down from Hamid was the cell of John Walker Lindh, the 20-year-old Marin County man captured in 2001 while fighting for the Taliban. The unit also held five of the Lackawanna Six, young Yemenis from upstate New York who were arrested after attending an al Qaeda camp in Afghanistan.
Hamid was limited to 15 minutes of phone time per week. His letters to his wife and parents would be searched, to make sure he wasnt smuggling dangerous messages out of prison. If his family visited him, they would be separated by a glass wall, their conversations conducted over a handset and monitored by agents.
There was almost nothing to do in the unit. Hamid could emerge from his cell during the day and exercise outdoors for a few minutes, in a small caged-in area, or he could watch TV with other prisoners in a communal room. He read legal thrillers by Michael Connelly. He grew a beard, at the urging of other Muslim prisoners who said it was a religious obligation, and a ponytail. As it lengthened over the months, he taught himself to braid the ponytail, killing time.
Many of the other prisoners were curious about Hamid and tried to understand how such a shy person had ended up there. “Its a very small place, so you have no choice but to get to know everybody,” recalled Masoud Khan, one of several young Virginia men who had attended a militant training camp in Pakistan; his conviction on terror charges was later overturned. Hamid struck Khan as “just a young man” whose “persona didnt fit the time and place.”
“He was very simple, very humble, very polite,” said Yassin Aref, an Iraqi Kurd who had fled Saddam Husseins regime with his family and settled in Albany, N.Y., becoming a well-liked community imam. In 2004, along with a local pizza-shop owner, [Aref was ensnared](https://nymag.com/news/features/yassin-aref-2011-7/) in a controversial FBI sting involving an informant with a criminal past. He was convicted on terror charges and placed in the unit, where he met Hamid and talked to him during meals.
Aref, who was 37 at the time, said he realized immediately that Hamid did not fit the mold of a fundamentalist. “I tell you, he was not carrying any ideology,” Aref told me recently, speaking on the phone from Iraqi Kurdistan, where he returned after completing his sentence in 2018.
To Arefs surprise, Hamid didnt even understand the basics of his own Sunni tradition. There are four main branches of religious law within Sunni Islam, each with its own prayer rituals: Hanafi, Maliki, Shafii and Hanbali. Aref could tell by the way Hamid prayed that he was Hanafi. But Hamid said he wasnt sure what he was. It would be like a Protestant Christian not knowing if he was a Baptist, a Methodist or an Evangelical.
“He dont know shit about the religion,” said Khalid Awan, another prisoner who was then confined at Little Gitmo. “He memorized the Quran like a parrot, but he dont know what it is meaning.”
Awan, an educated Canadian citizen originally from Pakistan, had been arrested after 9/11 on a false tip that he knew one of the hijackers. The government eventually charged him with transferring money to a Sikh extremist group, which he denies. He received a 14-year sentence and was brought to the isolation unit in Terre Haute, where he became one of Hamids closest friends, talking with him every day about their families, sports, women, survival. “He was like a father figure to me when I was a knucklehead,” Hamid remembered.
One day, Hamid asked Awan about a news story from Pakistan that he had recently heard: During an arrest there, police had found a stash of revolvers.
“What is the difference between a pistol and a revolver?” Hamid said.
Awan was so surprised that he slapped Hamid on his shoulder.
“You were a convicted terrorist, and you dont know the difference between a pistol and a revolver?” Awan replied to Hamid, he later told me. “You are no terrorist. You are a *tourist*.”
Awan said he often felt sorry for Hamid, especially when the young man spoke about his family and the tremendous pain of being separated from them. He had already missed the birth of his eldest sisters first child.
Now Hamid was learning about their lives in hurried, awkward phone calls. His parents seemed to be struggling: Saddled with huge legal bills from the trial, they had been forced to sell the family home in Lodi to a relative. They were now living in the garage with his siblings until they found a new place. His mother, Oma, distraught by the trial and her sons incarceration, was taking sleeping pills.
And his wife, speaking from Pakistan, said she was waiting for him.
There was more Hamid wanted to say to her than he could convey on the phone. But he was self-conscious about his shaky Urdu handwriting. Awans penmanship was better, so the two men collaborated on letters to her. Hamid wished to be romantic. Awan teased him, pretending to be disgusted: “I said, man, what is this shit youre asking me to write? My love, my love.
Other times, Hamid drafted love notes in English, scribbling on scrap paper in his cell:
I am not perfect
I say stupid things
I laugh when Im not supposed to. I have scars left by people who did me wrong. Im a little crazy, and probably wont change. Love me or not. But I make one promise, that if I love you, I do it with a full heart.
Hamid remained in Little Gitmo for 15 months, until early 2009. Then the government transferred him to a similar Communications Management Unit at a prison in Marion, Ill., where he would remain for a year. His ponytail lengthened, snaking to his elbows. A thick black beard spread across his face.
All this time, he wondered if he was doing the right thing by staying married. In the culture of his family — and in the traditions of her village — women were supposed to respect their husbands wishes. In one letter to her, almost trying to talk her out of sticking by him, Hamid wrote, “I have a 24-year sentence. You are just beginning your life.” According to Awan, she wrote back, “I can wait for you for 25 years.” But Hamid felt guilty: What kind of life was he holding her to?
There were only two possible solutions: He could offer her a divorce, or he could get his conviction overturned.
Oakland attorney Dennis Riordan represented Hamid on appeal.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Hamid had reason to believe he could walk free.
No longer represented by Mojaddidi, he was now in touch with a team of lawyers based in San Francisco who had taken up his case and were filing appeals. He used his scarce monthly allotment of minutes on the prison email terminal to send elaborately polite messages to Dennis Riordan, the lead attorney.
“I hope you are doing well and did well during my arguments too,” Hamid wrote Riordan in 2009, after a court hearing on his case in San Francisco. “I am very anxious. … I would be grateful to you, if you please update me.”
Born in the Bronx and raised Catholic, Riordan was 58, with white hair and a friendly demeanor that belied an aggressive legal style. An influential appellate lawyer, he had represented many high-profile defendants — the San Quentin Six, the West Memphis Three — sometimes getting old convictions reversed by presenting new evidence.
Yet even compared with those high-stakes cases, Hamids case stood out to Riordan as a special one. “I did not know Hamid when I got into it,” he said, “but the more that I dealt with him, he just came across as a very decent person. And eventually, he convinced a lot of people along the way.”
Riordan had met Hamid for the first time three years earlier, in the visiting room at the Sacramento County jail. The jury had just convicted Hamid and, like many in the Bay Area, Riordan had followed the trial in the media, perking up when he read about a controversy involving the jury foreman, Joseph Cote.
The Chronicle published two articles on April 7, 2007, about the jury that convicted Hamid.The Chronicle 2007
Immediately after the guilty verdict, Mojaddidi had asked Wedick to speak with the juror who seemed uncomfortable in court. The juror told him that Cote pressured her into a guilty vote. She said Cote made “racial” remarks, apparently about Muslims, including a comment that “they all look alike,” and made a gesture like he was tying a noose around his neck. (Two other jurors later stated that Cote made similar racial comments; in court testimony, Cote denied any racial or ethnic bias and said he did not make a noose gesture.)
Riordan had argued cases that involved juror misconduct, and as he scrutinized the trial records, he was so disturbed by what he found that he offered to work on Hamids appeal pro bono. “I was completely convinced he was innocent,” Riordan told me. “He would not have been convicted unless *everything* went wrong.”
It wasnt just the foremans behavior: The whole case struck Riordan as a disaster, from the weakness of the governments evidence to the mistakes of Hamids defense lawyer. As soon as Riordan interviewed Mojaddidi, “The problems with her inexperience became apparent,” he recalled.
According to Riordan, Mojaddidi told him that Hamid had an alibi, but she wasnt able to present it in court. Witnesses in Pakistan could have testified that Hamid never went to a camp, but it wasnt possible to bring those witnesses to the U.S. for the trial, she said.
When Riordan replied that, under rules of criminal procedure, Mojaddidi could have presented their testimony through depositions taken overseas, she said she didnt know that. “So, boom: There goes the alibi defense,” Riordan told me. (Mojaddidi repeated to me that she did pursue these leads but decided that “it wasnt going to all come together to be a strong alibi defense.”)
In this new effort to free Hamid, Riordan was joined by Don Horgan, the co-founder of his firm; their colleague Ted Sampsell-Jones; and Layli Shirani, an Iranian American law school student who spoke Farsi. After reading about Hamid in the media, Shirani had contacted Riordan to ask if she could help. The case, to her, was a textbook symptom of Islamophobia: “It seemed to me that pretty much anybody could have been Hamid, any one of us,” she told me.
Layli Shirani, an attorney with the Sacramento Valley chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, was part of the team representing Hamid in his appeal.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Together, the team started appealing Hamids conviction in summer 2006. At this stage of the process, they were only able to point out procedural flaws in the trial, not bring new evidence, and one by one, their efforts smashed into various legal brick walls. Filing a motion for a new trial, they argued that the jury foreman had been biased against Hamid, citing Cotes comments to other jurors and to the Atlantic. Judge Burrell disagreed, writing that Cote and other jurors “thoroughly and thoughtfully deliberated.”
Hamids team then appealed to the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco, where a three-judge panel heard oral arguments in June 2009. The ruling was supposed to come down within six months, but years passed. As Hamid waited, he faced fresh dangers behind bars.
In late 2010, the prisons bureau removed Hamid from the Communications Management Unit in Illinois and placed him in the prisons general population — a tacit admission that Hamid was not among the gravest threats to national security. Six months later, after he showed “clear conduct and a good rapport with staff and other inmates,” according to a prison memo, he requested a transfer to California, wanting to be near family. Though the government did not grant his wish, it did get him closer to the West Coast: In 2011, Hamid was transferred to FCI Phoenix, a medium-security prison in Arizona.
He was glad for the move in some ways. The hot climate was a welcome change from the cold Midwest, though it took some adjustment. Within days of arriving, Hamid went to the prison barber and asked him to cut off his ponytail. The barber paused and asked if he was sure. Hamid smiled: “Bro,” he said, “I cant deal with this weather.”
But he sensed that his new environment in Phoenix was hostile. Many of the guards were from military backgrounds, and the way some officers looked at him, “you could tell they wanted to kill you,” Hamid recalled. According to Robert Manning, a prisoner in Hamids cellblock, guards tended to view Hamid as “a religious fanatic terrorist piece of shit.”
He was monitored more closely than other inmates, required to check in with officers every two hours during the day, and limited to a single brief phone call per week. And though visiting rules were more relaxed — he could finally sit at a table with his mother and siblings and hug them — the government did not allow Umer to visit, repeatedly denying his requests without telling the family why.
Hamid tried to ignore the glares and make friends. To show officers he wasnt a threat and to make a little money, he worked as a janitor for $50 a month, mopping floors. Eventually he earned a promotion to head janitor, becoming one of the few prisoners trusted by guards to clean their offices. To Hamids surprise, he said, a guard who had been in the military and fought in Iraq pulled him aside one day and told him, “Your crime does not fit your character.”
Hamid bonded with other incarcerated men, sharing his sports knowledge and cheering louder than anyone else during live contests. The prison TVs often showed Dallas Cowboys games; Hamid rooted for Americas Team and became a committed Cowboys fan. When a group of white prisoners gathered for NASCAR races, Hamid pulled up a chair and hollered for Kyle Larson, a driver from Elk Grove, not far from Lodi.
The next year, Barack Obama won a second term as president. A young white man shot and killed 20 children and six adults at an elementary school in Newtown, Conn. Facebook bought Instagram for $1 billion. In prison, the ice-cream mans son turned 30.
It wasnt until 2013 that the Ninth Circuit in San Francisco finally ruled on Hamids appeal — denying it. The four-year delay was never explained.
Though two of the judges on the panel sided with the government, the opinion contained a silver lining for Hamid in the form of a blunt dissent by the third judge, A. Wallace Tashima. Writing that he would toss Hamids conviction if it were up to him, Tashima likened the “throat note” to an Islamic version of the hymn “Onward, Christian Soldiers,” which describes soldiers “marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before, at the sign of triumph Satans host doth flee.”
Christians “easily comprehend,” he wrote, that the song “does not mean that the zealous churchman is literally militant.” It was only the fact that Islams “tenets are unfamiliar to the vast majority of Americans” that gave the *tawiz* such power to decide Hamids future.
For the first time, an influential figure in the justice system was expressing not only skepticism about the fairness of Hamids trial, but also something close to bewilderment or horror. Riordan was encouraged, telling Hamid, “This is just the beginning.”
The lawyer explained that they still had one option left to win his freedom — a last-ditch legal channel known as a habeas corpus petition. Still, even if it worked, the habeas process would take several more years. And if it didnt, Hamid realized, he was looking at almost another decade and a half behind bars.
His family was shattered by the courts denial. When Hamid broke the news to Umer on the phone, he could tell his father was crushed: “I could hear it in my dads voice.” Before long, his wifes parents urged their daughter to divorce Hamid and move on. When Hamids mother came to visit him in Phoenix, she told him, “Theyre asking for a divorce.”
“What?” came his reply. “I just spoke to her. She didnt mention nothing.”
It was not easy to let go. Ismail Khan, the family friend, recalled, “Until the last minute this guy didnt want to sign the papers. Till the last minute.” Still, Hamid recognized that his wife “did have the right to move on,” he told me. The couple reached a mutual decision over the phone, agreeing to divorce. He had lost his court appeal, and now he had lost his marriage, too.
A photo from Hamid's time in prison.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
The Muslim brothers, as they called themselves, liked to pray together outdoors, on a beat-up, netless tennis court in the exercise yard at FCI Phoenix. They were a diverse group — Black, Latino, some of Arab descent — and out there under the desert sun, a few would sit every day on the blazing-hot court and talk about their obligations to God. Every Sunday night, they gathered for a religion class in the prisons interfaith chapel, where staff allowed the men to keep a small library of Islamic texts that anyone could borrow.
For a while, Hamid was reluctant to join the group, wary of talking openly about Islam. He feared it would remind officers of his conviction. “He was more reserved, more quiet,” remembered Ameen Abdul-Jillil, a fellow prisoner and a Black follower of Islam who was in prison for drug offenses and led many of the prayer sessions as an informal imam.
He got to know Hamid in 2013, around the time of Hamids divorce. “That was one of the first things he opened up about,” Abdul-Jillil said. “You could tell at first glance that the world had beat on him a little bit.”
Abdul-Jillil had grown up in New York and knew little about Pakistani culture, so he asked Hamid a lot of questions. What was his wedding like? Why did he have an arranged marriage? Hamids answers prompted more questions, and soon the men were talking about the religious traditions of their families and the differences in how they prayed.
One day, Hamid saw Abdul-Jillil kneeling to pray in the exercise yard on the bare concrete. Where was his prayer rug? Hamid asked. Where was his kufi — the traditional Muslim skullcap? Didnt Islam require you to cover your head? “Thats not part of Islam,” Abdul-Jillil replied. “Show me where thats part of Islam.” He told Hamid he didnt need a prayer rug unless the ground was filthy: The whole Earth is a carpet.
“I was not open-minded when it came to my religion,” Hamid remembered. “I was just doing what I was taught. But he just said: Hold on.
As time went on, Hamid grew more comfortable around the brothers, and his perspective broadened. Abdul-Jillil taught him how to check his beliefs against original texts, and Hamid filled his cell with books and printouts. He studied the Sahih al-Bukhari, a foundational work of Sunni scholarship, and mainstream contemporary interpretations of the Quran. In his childlike longhand, he took notes on passages that resonated, like one that discussed the productive uses of free time, a plentiful resource in prison:
There are two bounties that many people lose (by not taking full advantage of them): Health & Freedom (Al-Bukhari) ... Your health before illness — your free time, before your preoccupation … The one who has free time actually has no excuse for not performing his Obligatory deeds & improving his self.
When Hamid realized how little he knew about Islam, he would later say, he felt embarrassed. “I learned about my own religion in prison. It may sound crazy to a lot of people, but prison was a school, you know what I mean?”
Prison also opened his eyes to other religions and cultures, he said, describing an unlikely friendship he developed with Manning, the incarcerated man in his cellblock. A Los Angeles native with dual citizenship in Israel, Manning was serving a life sentence, convicted of killing a Southern California woman with a mail bomb in 1980. (More recently, the FBI has sought to question him about the 1985 pipe-bomb killing of a Palestinian American activist; Manning says he has no information and is innocent of all crimes.) A onetime follower of the anti-Arab radical Meir Kahane, Manning was now 60 and in poor health, pushing a mop with the aid of a walker.
Hamid chatted with Manning on their janitorial shifts. “A lot of people said, Hey, do you know what hes in for? ” Hamid said. “And I dont care. Thats none of my business.”
He had never spoken at length with a Jewish person before — not in Lodi, not in Pakistan — and found that they shared much in common. Manning had been raised by a Syrian mother, so the two men were weaned on the same kinds of foods. Whenever Manning got his hands on some hummus or Turkish coffee, they would sit together, thinking of home.
“Im a very cautious person,” Manning told me recently on the phone from FCI Phoenix. “And I kind of watch and see whos who and whats what. And I started talking to Hayat, and I found out that he is not the type of person that I believe would go through with any kind of terrorist action.”
Manning came to trust Hamid so completely that he asked him to help prepare a Passover meal. When a guard asked Manning why he was hanging around with someone who “wants to kill Jews” — referring to Hamids 2003 comment about the decapitation of Daniel Pearl — Manning defended Hamid. “Sometimes were around other people and we say stupid things,” Manning told the officer. “I dont think he is who you think he is.”
As Hamid got to know Manning and continued to educate himself in prison, reading books and taking classes in religion and history, he felt more and more ashamed by the antisemitism of his youth. It was particularly painful for him to remember what hed said about Pearl. “I was totally wrong,” Hamid recently told me. “*Thinking* that was absolutely wrong. My mind-set at the time was not being open-minded, and being prejudiced. It made me really ashamed of my thoughts.”
By now, nine years into his incarceration, Hamid had grown accustomed to the rhythms of prison. He accepted that he would spend many more years inside, drawing on something his parents had taught him as a kid. The Hayats believed in pre-decree: Everything that happens, no matter how small (a single breath, the flutter of a leaf), was written by God thousands of years ago.
Lying in his cell, Hamid took comfort from this thought: God had brought him here for a reason. It wasnt for him to know why.
Then, in early 2014, he logged on to the prison computer to discover an unexpected email from Riordan, his lawyer.
Riordan said there was something he needed to discuss with Hamid in person, urgently. He was getting on a plane to Arizona.
Hamid heads to an Eid celebration at the Islamic Center of Stockton.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Hamids last hope for freedom rested in a 127-page legal document.
The habeas corpus petition represented years of digging by his appellate lawyers, a group that had expanded to include Martha Boersch, a former federal prosecutor. The team completed the petition in early 2014, a few days before Riordan sent the urgent email to Hamid.
To win a federal habeas challenge, a prisoner must show that his trial was so flawed that the errors actually changed the verdict. This is extremely hard to do, which is why the vast majority of petitions fail. But habeas proceedings allow judges to consider new evidence. And in rare cases, they can change a prisoners fate.
The petition argued that Hamids trial attorney, Mojaddidi, hadnt adequately defended him, presenting new testimony to highlight her purported errors. The centerpiece was a stack of statements from alibi witnesses who did not get an opportunity to speak at the trial — friends and family who had been with Hamid overseas and said he could not have attended a terror camp. Several of the witnesses still lived in that country.
The petition also argued that Mojaddidi should have found experts on false confessions and the *tawiz*. But Hamids lawyers didnt just focus on the performance of a young attorney. They challenged the judgment and honesty of the Justice Department, writing that the government “either knew, or should have known, that Hamid was entirely innocent” — and imprisoned him anyway. Attorney Layli Shirani, who worked on the petition, said, “Its always been what the government did that was the real problem.”
In particular, Hamids lawyers argued that the government must have known there wasnt a terrorist camp in Balakot during the period when they claimed Hamid attended it. “Obviously, the FBI had the capacity to easily visit that site and search it with a fine-tooth comb,” the team wrote. So why did the jury only see a few inconclusive aerial photos? Did the government withhold other aerial photos that would have damaged its case — revealing, for instance, that no terror camp existed or no training was conducted? And if U.S. agents didnt go to the site in person, why not?
Before filing the habeas petition in court, Hamids team had emailed the document directly to federal attorneys, giving the government a chance to simply walk away. “This is outrageous,” Riordan said he told prosecutors in a follow-up phone discussion. “Why dont you just agree to set aside the conviction?”
Though they declined that offer, the prosecutors did float an idea for a deal to Riordan: If Hamid agreed to plead guilty to a lesser terrorism-related charge, he could potentially get credit for time served — and go free within a few years. Perhaps even months.
Riordan and Boersch flew to the Phoenix prison to consult with their client. The attorneys told Hamid they had a good shot at winning his release without cutting a deal. But it was a risk. The judge who would make the ultimate decision, Burrell, was the same one who had sentenced Hamid and tossed his appeal.
Hamid didnt need to think long.
“Ive now lost my wife,” Hamid told them. “Ive waited in prison for nine years. And Im not gonna say anything that isnt true.”
He would maintain his innocence — and take his chances, one more time, in court.
Initially, for obscure procedural reasons, the case landed on the bench of a magistrate judge 150 miles north of Sacramento, in Redding. Justice Department attorneys, including Scott and his subordinates, responded to the petition with a slew of challenges to get it dismissed, arguing that Mojaddidi did a “zealous and competent” job for Hamid. They said the government didnt share on-the-ground images of the camp because no one had tried to inspect it — “United States government officials cannot waltz into an anti-American militant camp” — and Hamids lawyers were merely speculating about the existence of other aerial photos, according to prosecutors.
Two more years passed in a slow grind of motions and counter-motions. The judge moved slowly and sided with the government on most issues.
In September 2015, Riordan was diagnosed with colon cancer. He didnt tell Hamid he was sick, not wanting his client to worry. Riordan had been 58 when he originally took the case; now he was 67. A surgeon removed a piece of his colon. He began chemotherapy.
“We faced many setbacks,” Sampsell-Jones, Riordans colleague, told me, “but Dennis was indefatigable. Some of the rest of us probably would have given up if not for him.”
For almost a decade, little had gone right for Hamid in the justice system. But now he began to catch some lucky breaks, starting with the 2016 retirement of the Redding judge.
The case was reassigned to a newly appointed magistrate, Deborah Barnes of the Eastern District, which includes Sacramento. A graduate of UC Berkeleys law school, she had worked on both sides of the criminal justice system, as a Sacramento County prosecutor and a federal public defender. Her job was to weigh all arguments and make recommendations to Burrell, the courts senior judge. And in 2017, to the delight of Hamids team and over the strenuous objections of federal attorneys, she said she would grant an evidentiary hearing. Hamid could call new witnesses. A door that had been slammed shut for years was thrown open.
In the courtroom, Riordan approached the judge. He had recently learned that his cancer was spreading. He was about to begin a new round of intensive chemo, and the outcome was uncertain. Telling Barnes he was “concerned about my continuing availability,” Riordan asked if the hearing could be scheduled as soon as practically possible.
When the moment arrived, in January 2018, Barnes allowed four witnesses to testify via video link from Islamabad, which had never been done before in the district. To accommodate the difference in time zones, she kept the Sacramento courtroom open until midnight. Jaber, Hamids cousin, and Raheela, his youngest sister, also testified.
Hamids sister Raheela Hayat (left) with attorney Layli Shirani.Steve German / Special to The Chronicle
One by one, the witnesses explained that Hamid had never left his friends and family to attend a camp in Pakistan. During cross-examinations, federal attorneys questioned their memories and motives. None of the witnesses appeared rattled, least of all Raheela.
She had been 10 when Hamid was arrested. She was now 23.
In one exchange, the DOJ implied she might be lying to protect her brother.
“You dont want him to be in jail; is that right?” the government lawyer asked her.
“And you would do whatever you could to help him. Isnt that right?”
“I would do anything for my brother except to lie on behalf of him.”
Hamid checks his phone outside his home in Stockton.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Hamid was coming back from lunch when the prison guard who had served in Iraq beckoned him into the unit office. “I need you to clean up this mess right here,” the officer said.
Hamid saw there was no mess. “Got you, sir,” he said. Playing along, he grabbed a broom, pretending to sweep the floor. The officer went to his computer, pulling up a news article about the court testimony. He invited Hamid to read it.
“I appreciate you, sir,” Hamid told him, a bit startled by the gesture.
“No, man,” the officer said. “Your chances are looking real good.”
Over the next weeks, Hamid noticed a change in the staffs attitude toward him. The habeas petition was sparking fresh coverage of his case, including an episode of “The Confession Tapes,” a documentary series on Netflix. It featured clips of the FBI interrogation that showed Hamid begging to sleep, and when the show aired, it startled some staff at FCI Phoenix.
A prison chaplain confided in Hamid that “theres a lot of staff members who feel sorry for you,” Hamid remembered. One guard who watched the Netflix series told Hamid, “You really got educated! Your English has improved.”
Hamid, accustomed to judicial delays, thought it might take a while for the system to determine his fate. He had now been incarcerated for almost 13 years, 11 in federal prisons. He had missed the birth of three nieces and nephews, the weddings of his brother Arslan and his sister Raheela, the invention of the iPhone, the spread of Twitter. Ten years had passed since hed seen his fathers face, one year since hed held his mothers hand.
But now, after so much waiting, things began to move quickly.
In January 2019, Judge Barnes released a methodical list of “Findings and Recommendations.” Writing that the governments case against Hamid had always been “thin,” she said the new alibi witnesses told “consistent,” credible stories about Hamids innocence. If Mojaddidi had presented that testimony during Hamids trial, the judge said, the result might have been different. Barnes also faulted the lawyer for not presenting experts on false confessions and the prayer in his wallet. These errors, Barnes concluded, violated Hamids right to an effective defense, and therefore the district court, led by Burrell, should throw out his conviction.
Hamid had become so used to rejection that he was surprised when Riordan told him about this development. He tried to check his excitement, changing little about his prison routine as he waited six more months.
On July 30, 2019, Riordan was at home on Potrero Hill when he got an alert on his computer that Burrell had made his decision. Riordan opened the opinion, scrolled to the last paragraph, read the magical phrase — “convictions and sentence are vacated” — and felt his body shake.
Though Burrell differed with Barnes on some points, the judge had agreed that a proper alibi defense could have tipped the scales in Hamids favor. The trial had been flawed, the conviction wrongful. At minimum, Hamid was entitled to a new trial.
Technically, the ruling didnt establish Hamids innocence, only the ineffectiveness of his trial counsel. Still, Riordan was elated: The result was “as close as you can get” to a finding of innocence, he said, because it was based on alibi evidence that should have seen the light.
Deitch, the trial prosecutor, had left the Justice Department and was not involved in the habeas battle. When he heard about the reversal of Hamids conviction, “There was a part of me that was sad to see it undone,” he told me, explaining that no lawyer wants to see his case overturned. If the judges were correct, though — if Hamid was deprived of a fair trial because of his attorney — “then Im glad it happened,” he said.
Today Deitch specializes in white-collar defense for a D.C.-area law firm. Asked if he still believes that Hamid intended to commit terrorist violence, Deitch said he didnt know: “Were human beings, and we never know.”
Hamid is welcomed home at the Sacramento Valley office of the Council on American-Islamic Relations.Santiago Mejia / The Chronicle
The moment Riordan received Burrells ruling, he alerted the rest of Hamids legal team, then sent his client an email. “Hamid, a blessed day,” he wrote, giving him the news. When they connected a few hours later, Hamid kept saying he didnt believe it. He steadied his hand against the wall by the prison phone.
“As you know I am a religious man, and believe God has a hand in everything,” Hamid emailed Riordan the next day. “In this case I believe he picked the right people for the job. You have brought me to a great understanding. I believe now that there is justice in America.”
Federal attorneys told the court they were mulling their next move. They might appeal the ruling or decide to put Hamid on trial again. In the meantime, though, Riordan filed a request for his immediate release, and the government did not object.
Days later, on Aug. 9, Hamid walked out of the prison wearing a sweatsuit and beard. He dropped to his knees, kissed the ground and prayed.
Hamid displays a photo of himself at Popeyes in Stockton having his first meal upon release from prison, accompanied by Carlos Cervantes of the Anti-Recidivism Coalition.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
He caught a ride with Carlos Cervantes, an employee of the Anti-Recidivism Coalition, a nonprofit organization that helps people adjust after prison. They pulled over at a rest area for Hamid to pray, then at a Walmart so he could buy a cheap cell phone. As they crossed the Arizona border into California, Hamid requested they stop at a Popeyes. He ordered chicken and biscuits, staring in wonderment at the bounty before digging in.
The next day, Basim Elkarra brought Hamid to CAIRs office, where his family was waiting. Oma broke down crying as soon as she saw her son. She buried her face in his chest, sobbing, refusing to let him go. He hugged her and kissed her head. Then Hamid embraced Umer, who removed his glasses and wept on Hamids shoulder.
The next morning, Oma went to wake Hamid for prayer. She placed her hand gently on his knee.
Hamid opened his eyes. Then he began to scream.
He didnt know where he was. He didnt recognize his mother.
Video of Hamids reunion with his mother and father the day after his release from prison in August 2019.Provided by CAIR Sacramento Valley / Central California
After selling the yellow house in Lodi to pay their legal bills, the Hayat family now lived in nearby Stockton. The neighborhood wasnt as pleasant — a desolate motel stood a few blocks away — but the new house was comfortable, with an apricot tree in the backyard. There was a mosque 50 or 60 steps from the front door.
Hamid never considered returning to Lodi; too many bad memories there. His plan upon release was to stay with his mother temporarily at a place near the familys house, adjusting to freedom for a few days before he moved in with the whole family. His fathers cousin, Mohammed Saeed, provided an apartment. But Hamid was so accustomed to fenced-in areas that when he saw the buildings open courtyard, he told his mother, “We need to get out of here.”
His parents cleared out an extra room at their home for Hamid, and he put a mattress and his stuff in there. It wasnt much — a few shirts and a shoebox of assorted items hed kept from prison. A leather Dallas Cowboys necklace, sewn by a buddy at FCI Phoenix. His well-worn prison Quran. Photos of the friends hed made. His shorn hair braid, preserved in a baggie.
Hamid was comfortable enough in his new bedroom, but when he ventured out into the house or anywhere beyond, he felt uneasy. In prison, the days had passed quietly. Now everything was sharp and fast and loud.
The few times Hamid tried to venture beyond the Stockton area, he got scared. Driving a car for more than a few minutes made him feel antsy; the traffic was so quick. When his young nieces and nephews visited, running around the house laughing, he could barely stand the noise, and if someone touched him on the shoulder, even his father, “the first thing I do is make a fist,” he said — a defense mechanism he learned in prison.
While it was reassuring to be surrounded by relatives, it was stressful as well. The routines of Hamids family members had changed in the 14 years he was away. Living with them was like growing up again.
He did not contact his ex-wife in Pakistan. He did not hear from her, either. It was possible she had remarried; Hamid did not try to find out. What would be the point? If he spoke with her, what would he say?
At night he struggled to fall asleep. He woke from nightmares that he was back in prison. Waves of anxiety hit him out of nowhere, along with compulsions to punch a wall or bash his head against something solid.
In February 2020, the Justice Department decided not to put Hamid on trial a second time. U.S. Attorney Scott asked a court to dismiss all charges, and his office said in a statement that “the passage of time and the interests of justice” persuaded him to leave the case in the past.
Hamids advocates felt vindicated: If U.S. officials really believed in their evidence, they wouldnt just give up. “It tells you everything in the world that the government decided to walk away from this,” attorney Don Horgan said.
But key figures in the case did not concede errors. As [Scott put it](https://www.sacbee.com/news/local/article249155555.html) to the Sacramento Bee last year, when he left office, the conviction was reversed only because Mojaddidi “had rendered ineffective assistance, not that our case was flawed in any way.” In a recent email, Scott told me, “Ive said enough about the Hayat case over the years and dont need to comment any further.”
A spokesperson for the Sacramento FBI office also declined to comment for this story. And the bureau informant Naseem Khan, who now runs a gift shop in Oregon with his wife and sells his own woodburning artwork, did not respond to several requests for comment.
Even after the dismissal of charges, Hamid still didnt believe it was over. He continued to avoid public places, worrying that the FBI was still monitoring him. This fear got in the way of his efforts to resume some kind of normal life, particularly when it came to his religious routine. He felt exposed walking into a place of worship, wondering if there were people like Khan inside. “I dont know whos who,” Hamid explained. “For me to put up that face, smiling: Hey, hows it going? Its hard for me. People are not the same.”
Hamid missed the Muslim brothers at FCI Arizona. It had proved safer for him to practice Islam in prison than in the free world. So he avoided the mosque next to his familys Stockton home, preferring to pray alone, in his room, or sometimes at a mosque 4 miles down the highway, where he was more of a stranger.
Hamids anxiety peaked in March 2020, when he prepared to get on an airplane for the first time since his 2005 flight from Pakistan was diverted. His cousin was getting married that spring in Buffalo, N.Y., and he wanted to be there. He would go with his mother for about a week.
A month before the trip, Hamid gave Riordan a heads-up, anticipating that he might still be on a government no-fly list. Out of an abundance of caution, Riordan reached out to an attorney he knew at the Justice Department and asked if Hamid would run into trouble. The attorney replied that he had checked with the FBI and learned Hamid was not on any list, Riordan recalled.
Yet when Hamid and Oma arrived at the Stockton airport to board their connecting flight to Los Angeles, Hamid was pulled aside at the check-in counter and made to wait for 45 minutes while security scrutinized his passport.
In a polite voice, Hamid told airline personnel that if there was a problem, he could contact his attorney.
Eventually, he and Oma were allowed to board. However, when they arrived in Los Angeles, security personnel appeared at their side, Hamid remembered, and one agent began recording video with his phone.
This time Hamid got angry, telling the agents, “I know why you guys are doing this.”
“Im just doing my job,” one replied.
“I know, but youre doing this because of my past,” Hamid said.
He pointed his phone back at them. “Fuck you guys,” he said. “Im recording you guys too.” They let the Hayats pass.
In Buffalo, Hamid attended the wedding festivities, surrounded by hundreds of people of Pakistani, Indian and Bangladeshi descent. Except for the late-winter chill of upstate New York, he felt like he was back in Pakistan — the vibe was so joyful — and for the first time in years, he let himself relax around strangers.
The only odd moment was when a man he didnt know approached him and said he recognized Hamid from Netflix. “I know you,” the man said. “Youre like, famous.”
Hamid didnt think anyone except his relatives would recognize him here, far from home.
“The stress kind of got to me,” he recalled. “It kind of mentally broke me down.”
When it was time to fly back to California, he initially refused to go. He didnt want the wedding to end. He said he would stay in New York.
Relatives called Riordan and explained the situation, hoping the attorney could help. The two men had kept in touch after Hamids release. Riordan had decided to tell Hamid about his cancer, which was now in remission. Hamid had responded by sending Riordan a bottle of black cumin seeds, an anti-inflammatory mentioned in the Quran.
Reaching Hamid on the phone in Buffalo, Riordan told him the pandemic was picking up and he might get stuck in New York if he waited. Finally, Hamid and Oma returned to Stockton.
Hamid plays with his cat, Oreo, in their Stockton home.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
By this point, Hamid understood he was “really lost” and needed help.
Two months earlier, Riordan had connected him with a mental health professional at the Anti-Recidivism Coalition. Hamid had never been in therapy before; theres a stigma against those who seek mental health care in some Muslim communities. But a cousin and sister drove Hamid to his first appointment, helping him feel comfortable, and he began meeting weekly with the counselor, Ellen Goldwasser, in her office, which smelled of lavender air freshener. He sat in a gray cloth chair, nervously bouncing his knee up and down.
Goldwasser explained to Hamid that its common for people getting out of prison to show symptoms that resemble post-traumatic stress disorder — depression, insomnia, hyperalertness. Together, over the next months, they found strategies to manage those feelings. “A lot of the work has been focusing on Hamids strengths,” Goldwasser told me. “Just his resilience, through his entire incarceration, and how thats continued out here.”
Establishing new routines became crucial. Goldwasser urged Hamid to keep a schedule. He made sure to wake up at the same time every day, 5:15 a.m., immediately make his bed and do sit-ups — habits from prison. He adopted a black and white rescue cat, naming her Oreo. “She keeps me busy,” he said, “feeding her and playing with her.”
Hamid embraces counselor Ellen Goldwasser of the Anti-Recidivism Coalition during a visit in Sacramento.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Gradually, he grew braver, venturing outside more often to run errands. With money saved from his prison job, Hamid bought a used Toyota, driving it to therapy and getting used to the speed of the highway.
Before long he took his biggest step yet — applying for the job at Amazon. One of his cousins had worked at the Stockton fulfillment center and suggested that Hamid consider it. Though he was wary at first, assuming the company would toss his application, Hamid passed a background check, signed up, clocked in and embraced the life of an Amazon wage worker.
“Its helping me develop new skills,” he said, “and Im grateful.” He realized after a few days that he was struggling to count the merchandise fast enough — if there are 12 diaper boxes in a row on a pallet, and the boxes are stacked four high, how many boxes are there total? — so to improve his math skills, Hamid signed up for a correspondence course and practiced multiplication in his off hours.
As Hamid became friends with several co-workers, playing paintball with a group in their free time, he even began sharing pieces of his story. To his great relief, they expressed sympathy and surprise. The day he felt drained and asked a woman to Google his name, she responded that she couldnt believe that such a happy-seeming person had been through all of that.
One morning last spring, we met for breakfast at a Dennys in Stockton. He arrived looking fit and well rested in a San Francisco Giants ball cap, sunglasses, a T-shirt and jeans. We ordered coffee, and Hamid described the events of his morning — getting in a car, driving to a low-end chain diner, sitting in a burgundy booth — as if they were wondrous.
He took a swig of coffee and pointed to the mug: “This is my favorite. Black coffee. I got hooked on it in prison.” As a teenager, Hamid preferred tea. But now, he said, when he tries to drink the tea that his mother makes, it doesnt taste right.
Hamid checks his phone as children play during an Eid celebration at the Islamic Center of Stockton.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
On a bright, warm afternoon in May, Hamids relatives gathered at the mosque a block from the familys home. It was Eid, the breaking of the fast at the end of Ramadan, and local Muslims were celebrating with a barbecue. On one end of the building, children played in an inflatable bounce castle, watched by their mothers, while in a separate area, men tended to a grill, cooking chicken and hot dogs and piling them onto paper plates in wildly generous portions.
Hamid was at work but had told everyone he planned to stop by after his shift. His father circulated for a time in a white linen robe, making sure everyone had enough meat and rice and mint tea, then taking a seat and gazing quietly at the crowd of 40.
At age 64, Umer is essentially retired these days, though not by choice. In 2005 and 2006, when the United States arrested him and his son and put them on trial — an experience he refers to as “the tragedy with Hamid” — Umer spent almost a year in jail awaiting the verdict. It sapped his strength, he told me, and when he was released, “I was weak.”
After that, he was unable to find steady work, partly due to his health and partly because the trial made him a pariah in Lodi. None of his old customers wanted to buy ice cream from him. “We try to tell them we are not terrorists,” he said, “but they are not believing us.” Early last year, Umer was hospitalized with COVID-19, leaving him with lingering pain and slowing his walk.
Others at the barbecue told me that the trauma of Hamids long incarceration has scarred the entire Hayat clan, changing how they relate to one another and to the community. Umers cousin Mohammed Saeed said of Umer, “Hes not the same. The whole family. If you see him, hes somewhere else. He is not here.” Same with Oma, who used to be social. Not anymore: “She is sitting in the house,” Saeed said. “And not just in the house. In the corner of the house. Crying. She is worried that the government will come after Hamid again and take him away.”
As the afternoon grew longer, and the men pulled stacks of colorful popsicles from coolers and passed them around, Hamid was nowhere to be seen. People kept asking Umer if Hamid was coming, and he said he didnt know. While we waited, I asked Umer about his sons future: Where did he see Hamid in 10 years? Umer said he hoped Hamid might get married again, to a good Muslim woman who respected him for all he had endured.
Eventually, Umer sat up, craned his neck and said to no one in particular: “Where is Hamid?”
Finally, after 5:30, Hamid returned from his Amazon shift, pulling up to his familys house in his Toyota still wearing his reflective vest. He said he was tired after unloading full trailers all day. He said his boss had given him a $25 Amazon gift card for being a hard worker. He didnt know how to use it. “Ill have to watch a YouTube video,” he said.
Instead of attending the barbecue, Hamid went inside the house, sat on the couch and started tapping on his phone. A short time later, Umer walked through the door. He and Hamid greeted each other. The Eid celebration had ended; Hamid had missed it.
I asked Hamid if he had any photos of friends from prison. While he went into his room to look, I talked with Umer about his own experience being locked up. Umer shook his head and made a low noise. “I was crying inside: Oh, God, what did I did? What did I did?
He glanced at the closed door to Hamids room and turned the topic back to his son. The government, he said, had never apologized. “They still say they did nothing wrong,” Umer said. “How they did nothing wrong, when he spent 14 years in prison? His half life is gone. His wife is gone. She couldnt wait 24 years.”
The clock on the wall read 6:20 p.m. Almost time for evening prayer. Umer stood.
“Oh my God,” he said, his voice rising. “Still we are suffering from this stuff.” He walked out the front door, back to the mosque.
Hamid did not follow. Instead, he changed clothes, emerging from his room in a kameez, a black knit kufi and Nike Jordan sandals.
Alone now, he unfurled a prayer rug in front of a window that looked out to the apricot tree in the backyard and knelt, touching his forehead to the rug, silently reciting the opening chapter of the Quran, rocking forward and back.
Hamid prays in his living room in Stockton as the sun sets.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle
Hamid doesnt intend to work at Amazon forever. College still appeals to him — he wonders if he could get a religion degree and be a professor somewhere, and supporters recently [launched an online fundraiser](https://www.launchgood.com/hamidhayat/) to help pay his tuition. He has also spoken with Goldwasser about a possible career in the nonprofit sector, working with other formerly incarcerated people. He doesnt have a firm plan, though, and in our talks last summer, he hinted that he wants more space and independence to figure it all out.
During an interview over dinner with Chronicle photographer Stephen Lam and me, Hamid asked us a question: Did we know that Muslims are allowed to marry non-Muslims? Its true, he said. Hamid added that, within his familys tradition, if he met a woman he liked, he could set up a date with her as long as members of both their families were present. He didnt need an arranged marriage; he could make his own decision.
Another day, walking outside the family home in Stockton, across from the mosque, Hamid said he was thinking of moving to Phoenix, where some prison buddies had remained after their release. The city was also home to a few FCI Phoenix staffers who had treated him kindly, and hed been keeping in touch with them by text message and on Facebook. One retired prison employee had messaged Hamid that she was glad for his release and “happy that you never allowed your experience to make you bitter or angry.”
Hamid said he missed his friends and the desert weather. He dreamed of getting his own apartment in Phoenix. “I want to go someplace where nobody knows who I am,” he said softly, the Giants cap shielding his eyes from the midday sun. “I want to be me.” But he said he doesnt know how to make the transition. At Amazon, he applied for a transfer to a company facility in Phoenix. His boss denied the request, saying Hamid lacked the right experience for that role and that the team needed him in Stockton.
On Sept. 11, thousands of people, including President Biden, gathered for a wreath-laying in New York City to honor the nearly 3,000 people killed by the hijackers in 2001. In San Francisco, members of the Fire Department rang the bell outside the Public Safety Building, as they have done every year on the anniversary of the attacks. George W. Bush gave a speech at a memorial service in Pennsylvania, remembering that “I saw Americans reject prejudice and embrace people of Muslim faith” 20 years earlier.
Hamid stayed home that day and told me he preferred not to talk. He did share something on his Instagram account, an image going around on social media. It showed the burning Twin Towers with a caption that read, “R.I.P. to the 2,996 Americans who died on 9/11. And R.I.P. to the 1,455,590 Innocent Muslims who died during the US invasion for something they didnt do.”
Hamid told me later that he reposted the image because it resonated with him. The 9/11 attacks were “absolutely disgusting to this day,” he said. And the dead were not the only victims.
This was as close as I ever got to hearing Hamid express frustration about the war on terrorism and the wreckage it has left in so many lives, including his own.
He repeatedly spoke of his participation in this article as a kind of moral obligation: He wanted to convey remorse for some of what he said to Khan, and he wanted people to understand what the governments decisions had cost him. “I have no ill feelings, no grudges, no anger in me,” he said. “Its not going to do me no good. I just dont want this to happen to anybody ever again.” But Hamid never seemed fully comfortable talking about it all, for reasons easy to understand.
His country once looked at him and imagined a terrorist. Americans feared his anger, and for that, he lost nearly everything. So if he does feel anger now, he isnt free to show it. He still worries what co-workers and neighbors will think when they learn about his story. He still feels the need to show that he has a good heart, a good mind. He is still afraid of Americas fear.
Late last year, close to Christmas, Hamid was behind the wheel in Stockton, distracted and going too fast, he said. He heard a siren behind him. He pulled over and handed his ID to the police officer who approached his window.
The cop squinted at the drivers license.
“Are you the Hamid Hayat from Lodi?” the officer asked. Hamid said yes.
The man handed the card back. “Have a good day, sir,” he said. “Youve been through enough.”
Hamid thanked him profusely, took a deep breath, eased back onto the road, and drove away.
Hamid drives to a dinner in Stockton.Stephen Lam / The Chronicle

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# The Twitches That Spread on Social Media
Three years ago, the psychiatrist Kirsten Müller-Vahl began to notice something unusual about the newest patients at her clinic in Hannover, Germany. A typical Tourettes patient is a boy who develops slow, mild motor tics—blinking or grimacing—at about age 5 to 7, followed later by simple vocalizations such as coughing. [Only about one in 10](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/tourette/features/tourette-five-things.html) patients progress to the disorders most famous symptom—coprolalia, which involves shouting obscene or socially unacceptable words. Even then, most patients utter only half a dozen swear words, on repeat.
But these new patients were different. They were older, for a start—teenagers—and about half of them were girls. Their tics had arrived suddenly, explosively, and were extreme; some were shouting more than 100 different obscenities. This last symptom in particular struck Müller-Vahl as odd. “Even in extremely severely affected [Tourettes] patients, they try to hide their coprolalia,” she told me. The teenagers she was now seeing did not. She had the impression, she said, that “they want to demonstrate that they suffer from these symptoms.” Even more strangely, many of her new patients were prone to involuntary outbursts of exactly the same phrase: *Du bist hässlich*. “You are ugly.”
Müller-Vahl, a [professor of psychiatry](https://www.essts.org/past-board-members/kirsten-muller-vahl) at Hannover Medical School and the chair of the European Society for the Study of Tourette Syndrome, was not the only one puzzled by this phenomenon. The global community of Tourettes researchers is tight-knit, and as they talked it became clear that a shift in patients and symptoms was happening all over the world, at the same time. Before the pandemic, 2 to 3 percent of pediatric patients at the Johns Hopkins University Tourettes Center, in Baltimore, had acute-onset tic-like behaviors, but that rose last year to 10 to 20 percent, according to [*The Wall Street Journal*](https://www.wsj.com/articles/teen-girls-are-developing-tics-doctors-say-tiktok-could-be-a-factor-11634389201). Texas Childrens Hospital reported seeing approximately 60 teenagers with sudden tics between March 2020 and the autumn of 2021, compared with just one or two a year before that.
At an online conference last October, doctors in Canada, France, the United Kingdom, and Hungary pooled their knowledge. They had all seen an increase in patients with this unusual form of tic disorder. One teenager came from the Pacific archipelago of New Caledonia, which France once used as a penal colony; another came from the tiny South Atlantic island of St. Helena, to which Britain sent Napoleon for his final exile. “Very remote locations,” Andreas Hartmann, a consultant neurologist at the Pitié-Salpêtrière Hospital in Paris, told me via email. “Yet accessible to TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram.”
Four months before the clinic in Hannover saw its first new-style patient, a 20-year-old German man named Jan Zimmermann had launched a YouTube channel called Gewitter im Kopf, or “Thunderstorm in the Head.” Thats how he describes living with his socially inappropriate, visually arresting symptoms: blurting out obscene words, throwing food, trying to nibble his friend Tim. In the past, he has set off fire alarms, pulled the emergency brake on the train, and [once asked a cross-eyed HR manager](https://ga.de/region/siebengebirge/bad-honnef/youtuber-aus-dem-siebengebirge-spricht-ueber-tourette_aid-44064953), “Is the wall more interesting than me?”
[Helen Lewis: The superstars of Tourettes TikTok](https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/07/disability-influencers-tourette-tiktok/619468/)
Zimmermann now has [2 million](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh2Nc3OwjSwuXrUdFNXqFbQ) YouTube followers and a [bespoke app](https://chipapk.com/app/7071969/) that allows users to download his “best tics” as sound files. On his merchandise page, you can buy hoodies, mugs, and a 25-euro doormat [emblazoned](https://gewitterimshop.de/products/fussmatte) with one of his most common sayings: *Du bist heute besonders hässlich*, or *“*You are particularly ugly today”—nearly the same phrase that kept coming out of Müller-Vahls patients.
Zimmermann calls his symptoms “Gisela” to suggest that they have a will of their own. Last May, [he threatened legal action against an activist](https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/plus230890021/Streit-um-YouTuber-Tourette-Syndrom-oder-Antisemitismus.html) who called him a Nazi after he released a baking [video](https://twitter.com/jjhavemann/status/1347264585921941505?s=20&t=Hf4R2u2gES2cH6e6Lxpq-Q) in which he said, “In the oven, give my regards to Anne Frank.” (In Germany, where Holocaust denial and Hitler salutes are illegal, this was a particularly shocking thing to broadcast on the internet.) His lawyers suggested that, because Zimmermann himself faced marginalization, calling him a Nazi was absurd. And he could not be held responsible for the offense caused: After all, Gisela made him do it.
Zimmermanns behavior seems to have influenced his viewers own tics. In a forthcoming study of 32 of her new-style patients, Müller-Vahl found that 63 percent threw food, and that the most common vocalizations were swear words such as *arschloch* (“asshole”) and *fick dich* (“fuck you”). Some parroted other phrases of Zimmermanns, such as *pommes* (“fries”) or *fliegende haie* (“flying sharks”). But when her team began to question the teenagers in front of their parents, many denied watching Zimmermanns YouTube videos.
Tammy Hedderly, a neurologist at the Evelina London Childrens Hospital, sometimes calls her new-style tic patients “Evies.” These girls “present thumping their chest, shouting *beans*, and falling to their knees,” she told the virtual conference. The nickname comes from a 21-year-old British influencer named Evie Meg Field, also known as @thistrippyhippie, who has [14.2 million](https://www.tiktok.com/@thistrippyhippie?lang=en) followers on TikTok and [nearly 800,000 on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/eviemeg/?hl=en). Field has [published a book](https://bookshop.org/books/my-nonidentical-twin-what-i-d-like-you-to-know-about-living-with-tourette-s/9780751584066) called *My Nonidentical Twin: What Id Like You to Know About Living With Tourettes*.
Fields signature tic—saying *beans*—is what alerted the British researcher Tara Murphy that the Tourettes patient she saw on remote St. Helena must have been influenced by the internet. At the October conference, Murphy described how “LM,” a 16-year-old born and raised on the island, had tics from an early age but suddenly developed much more florid symptoms in early 2021: clicking, whistling, and saying *beans*. In other words, LM was an “Evie.”
Field herself has acknowledged her strange power. On September 25, she posted [a video of herself](https://www.tiktok.com/@thistrippyhippie/video/7011939086617382150?lang=en&is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1) looking sheepish with the caption: “me watching 95% of ppl with tics/tourettes say the beans tic knowing im the original source.” But Field and Zimmerman, who did not respond to requests for comment, are only two among dozens of “Tourettes influencers” with large fan bases online. According to TikTok, videos tagged #tourettes have been viewed more than [5 billion times](https://www.tiktok.com/tag/tourettes?lang=en).
The unexpectedly wide appeal of these videos is surely bound up with transgression and the old-fashioned desire to rubberneck, mixed up with a backlash against “normies”—the neurotypical—and a proud assertion of the right to be different. The essence of coprolalia is violating social conventions, and watching those with Tourettes shout and swear is just as compelling as watching an edgy comedian say the allegedly unsayable.
The teenagers who watch the #tourettes videos also find community, acceptance, sympathy, and validation. Less wholesomely, they find proof that the more eye-catching, disruptive, or rude the creators tics are, the more viral they go.
Katie Krautwurst was a high-school cheerleader in Le Roy, New York, when the twitching began. In October 2011, she woke up from a nap and started to spasm. A few weeks later, her friend Thera Sanchez, also a cheerleader, began to experience the same symptoms. More and more girls followed: shaking, stammering, fainting, unable to control their arms as they flailed around their bodies. Eventually, at least 18 people in LeRoy—including one boy and a 36-year-old woman—were affected.
[Read: Finding humanity in my Tourette syndrome](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/finding-humanity-in-my-tourette-syndrome/275138/)
“Parents wept as their daughters stuttered at the dinner table,” [*The New York Times**Magazine*](https://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/11/magazine/teenage-girls-twitching-le-roy.html) recounted months later. “Teachers shut their classroom doors when they heard a din of outbursts, one cry triggering another, sending the increasingly familiar sounds ricocheting through the halls. Within a few months, as the camera crews continued to descend, the community barely seemed to recognize itself.” The health authorities in Le Roy looked for a physical explanation: Was the towns water contaminated? Its soil? Erin Brockovich—yes, [*that* Erin Brockovich](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/09/the-relentless-erin-brockovich/614185/)—appeared in town, ready to bust open a scandalous cover-up of industrial pollution. The New York State Department of Health tried to reassure parents at a public meeting that no such cover-up existed. Katie, Thera, and their mothers appeared on NBCs [*Today* show](https://www.today.com/video/school-baffled-by-12-girls-mystery-symptoms-44489795600), the girls shaking and spasming, which drew nationwide attention to their cause. The segment portrayed the tics as a sudden interruption in otherwise contented lives. “When these started,” Thera said, “I was fine. I was perfectly fine. I felt good about everything. I was on honor roll.” She just woke up one day, she said, and the symptoms began.
The next day, however, the fever began to break. David Lichter, a Buffalo doctor who had treated several of the Le Roy girls, went public and revealed his diagnosis: conversion disorder, a now-outdated Freudian term for when psychological stress manifests as physical symptoms. Global experts began taking an interest in the case. “They were not all happy cheerleaders, living the American dream; they just werent,” Simon Wessely, a psychiatry professor at [Kings College London](https://www.kcl.ac.uk/people/professor-sir-simon-wessely) with a long-standing interest in [contested illnesses](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/denying-the-grave/201906/how-should-we-treat-contested-illnesses#:~:text=Contested%20illnesses%20include%20conditions%20like,sensitivities%2C%20and%20chronic%20Lyme%20disease.), told me. Later coverage filled in some important history: The week before Katies tics started, her mother, Beth, had had brain surgery. Thera, it emerged, had a difficult relationship with some members of her family. Another girl reported that she had a violent father.
Wessely, who is also an epidemiologist, described what happened in Le Roy as “a fairly standard incident of contagious tics.” When the girls went on television, he said, many specialist doctors saw them and began voicing their skepticism on social media. “Neurologists,” Wessely added, “often dont bother with euphemisms: Theyre hysterical. That is not any known movement disorder in science.’” Eventually, the diagnosis of a mass psychogenic illness began to gain credence. Lichters main contribution to the debate, he told me by email recently, was to advise local news outlets—amid “a strong push from family members and other activists to find the true cause of the problem”—that media attention was aggravating the outbreak.
In 2012, after communicating with neurologists who had evaluated two-thirds of the Le Roy patients, Wessely and Robert E. Bartholomew, a sociologist in New Zealand, co-authored an academic [paper](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3536509/) discussing the incident. They described the outbreak as an example of a mass psychogenic illness, or MPI—that is, an illness that arises in the mind and makes a group of people feel unwell at the same time. Such outbreaks were once called “mass hysteria.”
If Le Roy was the site of an MPI, then Katie, the popular cheerleader, might have been the index case, from whom others subconsciously took their cues—think of Abigail, the character in *The Crucible* responsible for the 1692 Salem witch trials. The researchers noted that such outbreaks of tics and twitches have traditionally been rare in Western contexts; they are more common in countries where a belief in witchcraft is widespread. But following similar incidents in North Carolina and Virginia, Le Roy was the third such case in a decade.
The Le Roy outbreak was also, unusually until that point, not confined to a single class or friendship group. Instead, the tics spread throughout the school. The researchers wondered if social media, then a new technology, might have influenced the pattern. The only adult affected by the twitches, a 36-year-old nurse, [said that she mostly followed](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/09/what-witchcraft-is-facebook/279499/) the towns news through Facebook. Bartholomew and his co-authors wrote that, according to doctors who treated 12 Le Roy patients, “as soon as the [media coverage stopped](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-students-twitcnew-york-h-idUSBRE85M0DF20120623), they all began to rapidly improve and are doing very well”—a finding that subsequent local [news accounts](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-students-twitcnew-york-h-idUSBRE85M0DF20120623) corroborate.
Since Le Roy, there have been more such incidents, including a [2012 outbreak of “hiccups” in Danvers, Massachusetts](https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/danvergano/salem-hiccups-mystery), which affected 24 students, mostly girls, at two high schools. (Ironically enough, Danvers is the site of Salem Village, where the witchcraft hysteria had broken out more than three centuries before.)
In August, Kirsten Müller-Vahl was ready to declare that the new-style tics also belonged in the category of MPIs. She wrote up her findings in a [research paper](https://academic.oup.com/brain/advance-article/doi/10.1093/brain/awab316/6356504) called “Stop That! Its Not Tourettes but a New Type of Mass Sociogenic Illness.” In other words, society, and specifically social media, was spreading the disorder. Inevitably, her claims attracted attention in newspapers—“Is social media behind an epidemic of teenage tics?” asked the [*Daily Mail*](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-10205131/British-clinicians-reporting-extreme-tic-disorder-affecting-young-adults.html), the British tabloid—and among Tourettes specialists.
Categorizing the new tic-disorder outbreak as a mass psychogenic illness would explain many of its notable features, such as the age and gender profile of patients. Bartholomew says that out of the 3,500 likely cases of MPIs that he has identified through history, “I would say 98 percent of them are majority female.” (Two possible exceptions are [Gulf War](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/gulf-war-syndrome) and [Havana ](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-60237839)syndromes.)
Are girls simply more prone to such illnesses? Early [research](https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/sep/14/facebook-aware-instagram-harmful-effect-teenage-girls-leak-reveals) does suggest that they are more affected by social-media pressures, after all. Or are doctors and authorities more ready to describe womens symptoms as the modern version of hysteria? What *is* clear, though, is that something new is happening in the history of mass psychogenic illnesses. Previously, an outbreak was limited to one village, one classroom, one nunnery. “It has always been said that its spread by sight and sound; in the past, thats been a limiting factor,” Bartholomew told me. But now we are a global village, and if tics can instead be spread through screens, then that tells us something about how strongly teenagers feel about the people they interact with online.
Evie Meg Fields social-media bios and book subtitle reference her experience of living with Tourettes. But after watching videos of her throwing around food, Hartmann and Müller-Vahl expressed doubts about the diagnosis. Hartmann suggested that some influencers, and some of those they influence, have something called “functional tics” layered—“like an onion,” he said—over mild to moderate Tourettes. Some of their most visually arresting, most distinctive, most *viral* behavior might be the result of functional tics, not Tourettes.
Experts have not reached a consensus about what to call their new-style patients, and how to classify their symptoms. Some use the phrase “tic-like behavior” to distinguish their movements from those caused by Tourettes, while the concept of functional tics arises from another condition, called [functional neurological disorder](https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/fnd/#:~:text=Functional%20neurological%20disorder%20(FND)%20is,as%20multiple%20sclerosis%20or%20stroke.), or FND. (The word *functional* denotes a glitch in how the brains software works; the malfunction somehow affects the nervous system and produces unwanted, involuntary sounds and movements.) Indeed, Fields memoir indicates that she received an FND diagnosis several years ago, following an unspecified trauma; she was diagnosed with Tourettes only in October 2020, well after she became an influencer on TikTok. Not every twitch, click, or whistle is a sign of Tourettes. For the girls who say “beans” or “flying sharks,” FND is the most common alternative diagnosis.
So why do we talk about Tourettes influencers rather than FND influencers? Tourettes is widely seen as having a physical cause rather than a psychological one. The diagnosis confers greater social legitimacy on influencers behavior, and is far less likely to offend patients than anything that smacks of “hysteria” or being “all in your mind.” Tourettes also makes the teenagers inability to control their tics understandable to outsiders. “Its a great feeling to have a name for my condition, which means I can easily tell people, I have Tourettes, if I need to,” writes Field.
Why should this particular set of symptoms arrive at this particular moment? Over Zoom, Robert Bartholomew told me that the pandemic—and the lockdown and homeschooling measures used to contain it—had created a “perfect storm” for an illness spread through social media. Teenagers were isolated from their friends, stuck at home with their families, spending hours alone with their screens, with their usual routines knocked out.
Other experts noted that the pandemic didnt *cause* the new tic disorder—the first patients arrived in Müller-Vahls clinic before COVID-19 emerged in Wuhan—although lockdown measures may have exacerbated it. One hypothesis is that some of us are “tic prone,” but display tics only when triggered by stress or another illness. This fits with existing [research](https://www.aecf.org/blog/generation-z-and-mental-health) showing that many members of Generation Z are anxious, isolated, and depressed, with body-image troubles worsened by the perfect bodies and aspirational lives they see on TikTok and Instagram. They are part of a grand social experiment, the first cohort to grow up with the internet on smartphones, the first generation whose entire lives have been shaped by the demands of social-media algorithms. Tics and twitches may be their unconscious method of saying: [*I want out*](https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v26/n05/hilary-mantel/some-girls-want-out)*.*
[Jonathan Haidt: The dangerous experiment on teen girls](https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/11/facebooks-dangerous-experiment-teen-girls/620767/)
Although tics can be profoundly debilitating, some may fulfill a short-term psychological need: Teenagers with them might be able to skip school, or to limit unwanted or stressful activities. They can make friends online, and find a ready-made community. They receive attention and sympathy from their families and from strangers on the internet. Those with coprolalia can break taboos without consequences: *Gisela made me do it*.(A disorder where you can swear and use slurs in public seems almost comically apt for the age of cancel culture.) Hartmann said that making Tourettes content could be, in some cases, “the ultimate freedom. Suddenly you can behave like a jerk, and people will even congratulate you, and become subscribers to your YouTube channel.” That dynamic can make these tic disorders harder to treat. Nanette Mol Debes, a specialist at the Herlev Hospital in Denmark, explained to me that some of the affected girls have balked when told that they must stop their movements. “Sometimes patients are sad or angry, and say: Its been nice to have tics.’”
The other side of the story is that some of those with tics, whatever their cause, involuntarily harm themselves. Some have to give up hobbies or jobs they love. Evie Meg Fields book ends with moving testimony from those with tics, such as “It can be hard to even sleep without medication,” and stories of being denied boarding to airplanes for repeatedly saying, “Ive got a gun.” Given the COVID-related disruptions and the long-term underfunding of mental-health services, some struggle to access appropriate medical treatment—or even a diagnosis—for months on end. The suffering is real, whatever the cause.
The suggestion that tics have a psychological component is controversial with patient groups. Advocates for those with other contested illnesses, such as [chronic Lyme disease](https://www.cjr.org/analysis/lyme-disease-contested-illness-empathy.php), have reacted furiously to any suggestion that they are social or psychological in nature, and some researchers have been subject to abuse and even [death threats](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2011/aug/21/chronic-fatigue-syndrome-myalgic-encephalomyelitis#:~:text=Chronic%20fatigue%20syndrome%20researchers%20face%20death%20threats%20from%20militants,-This%20article%20is&text=The%20full%20extent%20of%20the,revealed%20today%20by%20the%20Observer.). Although the backlash among patients with tic disorders has been far more muted, some people with functional tics reject the idea that TikTok is to blame. “I read the article and thought it was a load of crap,” Michelle Wacek [told *The**Guardian*](https://www.theguardian.com/media/2021/nov/16/the-unknown-is-scary-why-young-women-on-social-media-are-developing-tourettes-like-tics) after *The**Wall Street Journal* reported on tic contagion. “TikTok is not giving people Tourettes.” (Wacek has said that it is a coincidence that she was following Evie Meg Field before developing tics.) The Tourettes influencer Glen Cooney has warned that the media frenzy might undo the good work done to reduce stigma around the condition, [posting](https://www.tiktok.com/@this.tourettes.guy/video/7024878724021488901?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&lang=en): “We will not stop spreading awareness because of a Karen with an opinion.”
The Tourette Association of America has taken a more nuanced view. The groups CEO, Amanda Talty, told me that about half of the people living with Tourettes or tic disorders go undiagnosed, and that raising awareness is a legitimate aim for influencers. She doesnt fault Field for her followers tics. “Its unfair for anybody to place singular blame on any one individual,” Talty said.
Still, prompted by the recent news reports, the association has issued guidance on distinguishing between Tourettes and functional neurological disorder. The distinction matters because standard treatments for Tourettes include antipsychotics or ADHD medications, which can have strong, unpleasant side effects. Those drugs are “not recommended” in treating functional tics, according to the Tourette Association, which generally favors cognitive behavioral therapy. “Reducing the consumption of tic-related videos will also increase the likelihood of recovery,” the association [adds](https://tourette.org/rising-incidence-of-functional-tic-like-behaviors/).
Tammy Hedderly, the London neurologist, worried that the German research paper on mass sociogenic illness would fuel suspicions that the teenagers could simply snap out of it if they wanted. She told me that one 14-year-old patient in her clinic had a “meltdown” when asked to stop watching Tourettes videos. When talking with the boy, whose tics mirrored Fields, Hedderly realized just how much the community on TikTok meant to him.
So what happens now? Bartholomew thinks that the current spate of sudden tic-like-disorder patients will eventually abate, when the conditions that created them change. “Its a sign of the times,” he told me. “Its a social barometer.” The tics are allowing teenagers to express something about the unbearable alienation and intimacy of modern life, which is lived so much through screens. Mass-psychogenic-illness outbreaks tend to stop when it becomes obvious that there is no chemical leak or secret biological weapon involved—which is why Bartholomew believes that recognizing them as social contagions is important, even if it offends people.
Kirsten Müller-Vahl told me that the reactions varied among her patients in Hannover when her team told them that they did not have Tourettes—that something else was causing their tics and twitches. Some patients, she said, “were more or less cured after I offered the correct diagnosis.” Others could not accept that judgment. “They still think they suffer from Tourettes,” she says; some patients keep running YouTube channels offering advice about the condition. When patients who have built an identity on being a Tourettes influencer discover they do not have Tourettes, Müller-Vahl said, she faces a poignant question: “I am asked: How do I tell my followers?’”

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# Endless Exile: The Tangled Politics Keeping a Uyghur Man in Limbo
On March 2, 2010, twenty-six-year-old Ayoob Mohammed put on a new suit—a navy jacket and cream pants—and drove through the blooming poppies of Tirana, Albanias capital, toward the countrys international airport. He felt a flutter of nerves in his stomach as he paced in front of the arrivals screen. Soon, Mohammed spotted a young woman in a headscarf and heavy coat emerge through the gate; her father accompanied her. They had travelled from their home, in Montreal, where the cold was still biting. Mohammed steadied himself and gazed at Aierken Mailikaimu (who goes by Melike, meaning “princess” in Uyghur), his fiancée, in the flesh for the first time. He handed her a bouquet of red and white roses.
The couple had first connected in early 2009, on the social-networking website Hi5. One day, as Mohammed was browsing the platform, a message popped up in his inbox. Mailikaimu asked if the figs in Mohammeds profile picture were from the city of Artux. Mohammed confirmed that the figs—known for their distinctive fragrance and yellowish colour—were indeed from the Uyghur homeland, which lies in Chinas northwest. Mohammed wrote that he was from Artux. Mailikaimu responded that she was as well.
After several weeks of small talk, they began chatting frequently. They soon telephoned each other and discovered they held common values and shared a devotion to their Muslim faith. “Ayoobs letters, the way he treated me, it made me feel very special. And his kindness, his honesty, it appealed to me,” Mailikaimu says. Perhaps most meaningfully, they felt less alone in each others presence: both Mohammed and Mailikaimu are Uyghur—a largely Muslim, Turkic-speaking ethnic group native to Xinjiang, a region Uyghurs often refer to as “East Turkistan”—whose treatment by China Canadas Parliament recently recognized as genocide. Together, they ruminated on the agony of what theyd left behind in the homeland: the aromatic tomatoes; the traditional pulled-noodle dish called Laghman that, even if replicated elsewhere, never tasted quite the same; and their mothers.
When Mailikaimu asked Mohammed more personal questions, like how he had ended up in Albania, where there was no sizable Uyghur community, he felt he could confide in her about his cruel fortune: hed been sold to the United States for bounty as an alleged terrorist in post-9/11 Pakistan, held for four years at the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and finally exonerated and resettled in Albania, a former communist state in the Balkan Peninsula that he hadnt known existed and could not have found on a map.
Mailikaimu wasnt put off by Mohammeds story: she felt only sympathy for his suffering. A few months after they connected, he proposed marriage. “If you say yes,” he wrote, “I will take care of you my whole life.” To Mailikaimus delight, her father, a former Uyghur activist, understood Mohammeds plight and was supportive of their union. She accepted his proposal and his story. “I love you 365 days a year,” he wrote to her.
Some sixteen years after his release, the spectre of Guantánamo still follows Mohammed like a shadow. Invisible geopolitical forces have bent his story to their will—a story that has become so tangled and intractable that it is no longer his. How he landed in Guantánamo—so far from his birthplace in China—has been repeatedly scrutinized by media, researchers, and authorities, and is rooted, in part, in the history of Uyghur repression by the Chinese state. This repression has included the construction of a terrorist narrative to justify Chinas mistreatment of the Uyghur people. Still, decision makers charged with Mohammeds fate have yet to demarcate evidence from propaganda.
The day after Mailikaimu arrived in Albania with her father, she and Mohammed married. Despite the limitations on Mohammeds freedom of movement—he is prohibited from travelling outside Albania—she hoped that Canada, the country that had recently granted her citizenship, a place she held up as a beacon of law and justice and sanctuary, would also welcome her husband.
That initial optimism gradually waned. Since Mailikaimus first attempt to sponsor Mohammed almost eight years ago, Canadian authorities have consistently denied his resettlement for security reasons, claiming he is a member of a terrorist organization. The United States, which boasts the greatest intelligence-gathering operation in the world, determined that no such evidence existed against Mohammed. Why does Canada insist otherwise?
Mohammed was born, in 1983, into a farming family in Xinjiang, near the ChinaKyrgyzstan border. His parents and six siblings worked the land, which was prolific with wheat, corn, cotton, and lush grape orchards. Though he wasnt aware of it as a boy, Mohammed later learned that a tempestuous history defined the region. A string of governments—first the Qing dynasty, then the Republicans and the Communists—had laid claim to the Uyghur territory, viewing it as an untamed land, and fought to control it. In the late nineteenth century, under the Qing dynasty, the area was named Xinjiang, or “new frontier” in Mandarin, and absorbed as a Chinese province.
Xinjiang is one of Chinas most ethnically diverse areas. Over 12 million Uyghurs make up the largest ethnic minority, alongside other Turkic and predominantly Muslim ethnic groups. Twice, the territory became autonomous, declared as the “East Turkistan Republic,” until 1949, when Communist China swept in and conquered it. Official Chinese sources claim that Xinjiang and the Uyghurs have been an “inseparable part” of China for millennia. But Uyghurs and historians claim instead that it is more of a colonial relationship, with many Uyghurs aspiring to independence.
For centuries, the vast area, three times the size of France, sat at the heart of the ancient Silk Road. Its towns dotted a thriving corridor for the trade of goods and culture across Asia. Xinjiangs position bordering eight countries, along with its rich deposits of oil and natural gas and its fertile land, made the region an integral part of the new Communist governments economic and foreign trade pursuits—it saw the area as ripe for development and assimilation.
While foreign rulers have frequently treated Uyghurs as second-class citizens, only the Chinese Communist Party has “gone so far as to try to destroy the Uighurs altogether, in a process of demographic suppression,” Joshua Kurlantzick wrote in a 2004 Council on Foreign Relations article. In the 1950s, Beijing implemented hard-line policies in Xinjiang to purge non-Chinese-speaking Muslim residents of their traditions and encouraged members of Chinas majority Han ethnic group to migrate to the area, incentivizing them with favourable positions to oversee massive industrialization and expand the oil, gas, and agricultural sectors. Inequality and tensions grew along ethnic lines, and Xinjiangs demographics altered dramatically: in 1941, Uyghurs represented more than 80 percent of the population; by 1998, they represented less than half.
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In the late 1970s, following the Cultural Revolution, Deng Xiaoping took power and imbued the region with a greater sense of stability, reining in the heavy-handed repression of the Maoist period. In Xinjiang, political activism increased, and locals demonstrated against a history of discriminatory policies.
Then, in the 1990s, the collapse of the Soviet Union allowed Uyghurs to travel and relocate to newly independent central-Asian states, which appeared to increase Chinese authorities concerns over ethnic nationalism and organized political opposition in the region, leading again to a crackdown on religious practice and expression. Separatist groups calling for Uyghur independence emerged. Most advocated peaceful means; a small number targeted state officials and installations, planting and detonating bombs.
China blamed the violent incidents on a “small number of separatists, terrorists, and religious extremists who are accused of having links with foreign hostile forces, whose aim is to split the motherland,’” according to a 1999 Amnesty International report. The government responded with a campaign against “ethnic separatists,” arbitrarily arresting scores of Uyghurs, torturing and sometimes killing them in circumstances that may have constituted extrajudicial executions. According to Sean Roberts, a cultural anthropologist and associate professor at George Washington University who took his first trip to Xinjiang in 1990, young Uyghur men “would not have felt safe around the police. They would have assumed that they could be brought in on trumped-up charges at any point.”
Mohammed was a teenager during this time, when his first memories of the states repression of his people were formed. His older brother was educated as a teacher but struggled to find employment as outsiders with few credentials took up meaningful posts. When Mohammed was sixteen, he visited a friend in a nearby village where officials ordered Uyghur farmers to destroy their corn crops not yet ready for harvest; the authorities had apparently asserted control over a community they considered subversive, according to Mohammeds understanding at the time.
In 1998, while Mohammed attended high school, his father and brother began importing socks from interior China. They soon expanded into textiles, opening a small shop. Mohammed helped on weekends, but he had long hoped to further his education. In secondary school, he excelled at physics and other sciences, though he dreamed of studying business to build and manage his own company and support his family financially. Mohammeds parents knew that, if he were to stand a chance of fulfilling his ambitions, he would need to leave Xinjiang. The plan was for Mohammed to bus to Kyrgyzstan and fly on to Pakistan, where his father had arranged for a family friend to help him apply for a US student visa.
In the summer of 2001, Mohammed received a passport and the planning was cemented. The family told nobody of their intentions; the act of going abroad could be interpreted as separatist activity. Mohammed had seen men from his neighbourhood travel to Kyrgyzstan for business, where a sizable Uyghur community had settled; some returned to interrogations and detention. Mohammed packed a small shoulder bag with a few clothes and $600 (US), which his family had saved up. His emotions straddled excitement and sorrow. “I knew I wasnt going to be able to return for summer breaks, you know, like a normal student,” Mohammed says. His family offered him small departure gifts: family photographs, a watch, and a pen. Mohammed hugged his mother as they wept. He committed to memory the fragrance of her clothing, whose scent he can still call to mind some twenty years later.
Having never travelled outside of Xinjiang, Mohammed, then eighteen, was delighted by the splendid gardens and dizzying bazaars of Islamabad, Pakistans capital. His fathers friend had arranged for him to stay in a room in a local school dormitory while his US visa was processed. (Mohammeds time in Pakistan and, later, Afghanistan has been picked apart in interrogations by various governments; even microscopic inconsistencies have been used against him. To avoid potential conflict or further trauma, Mohammed requested that The Walrus rely on official affidavits regarding the details of this period of his life.)
In Islamabad, Mohammed says, he met Ali, a Uyghur student a couple of years older who also hoped to further his education in the US. They became close, and Mohammed was relieved to have a companion. As the pair waited for their visas, they explored nearby sights and spent time with Alis friends. Mohammed felt safe with the group, so when they said theyd heard rumours of Pakistani authorities targeting Uyghurs and returning them to China, by then a practice that had developed across central Asia, he believed them.
In the late 1990s, China had established stronger security ties with former Soviet republics and Pakistan. Concerned about the influence of Uyghur nationalist communities that had previously settled in central-Asian countries for political purposes, China sought co-operation for Uyghur extraditions. A 2005 *Asian Survey* article notes that, while Pakistan was not openly hostile to its small Uyghur community throughout the 1990s, it prioritized its strategic ties with China over its religious ties with Uyghurs. As China cracked down on Uyghurs and other minorities in Xinjiang, Pakistan took stricter measures to assuage Chinas fears of a growing Uyghur independence movement. In 1997, for example, fourteen Uyghur students enrolled in local Islamic religious schools were allegedly arrested and deported to China. The students, according to Amnesty International, were “handed over to Chinese authorities without any legal process and reportedly summarily executed on the Chinese side soon after being driven across the border.”
After Mohammed had spent about a month in Pakistan, his US visa arrived, but Alis was still being processed. Alis friends had described how simple it was to cross into Afghanistan—no visa was required, and the border was a short bus ride away. Mohammed and Ali decided to travel to Jalalabad, a city in eastern Afghanistan where they could avoid the risk of being returned to China while waiting for Alis papers; Mohammed was also eager to explore Afghan culture. “I wanted to make my family happy and to pursue a brighter future for myself in the US,” Mohammed described in an affidavit. “I would not have done anything to make them worry, like taking an unnecessary trip to a place that I knew to be unsafe.”
It was September 2001, and the Taliban controlled some 90 percent of the country, including Jalalabad. “Due to my age, I did not understand Afghanistans political situation and did not understand the dangers posed by the Taliban,” Mohammed described in the documents. While on the bus to Jalalabad, Mohammed heard a radio broadcast—something about an attack in the US—but he did not appreciate how this news could affect him or what it had to do with Afghanistan. After all, he spoke only two languages: Uyghur and Mandarin.
One early October night, in response to the 9/11 attacks, the US invaded Afghanistan. “On my orders, the United States military has begun strikes against al-Qaeda terrorist training camps and military installations of the Taliban regime in Afghanistan,” then US president George W. Bush proclaimed in a national address. Petrified by the thunderous explosions targeting nearby Taliban strongholds, Mohammed and Ali agreed that they needed to leave Afghanistan at once, according to the documents. They planned to wait for a pause in hostilities before returning to the bus station. Holed up in their motel, they soon ran out of food. Ali ventured to a nearby market for supplies. When Ali had not returned within a few hours, Mohammed grew concerned. He waited a day, and still, Ali had not come back.
Although frightened, Mohammed decided to try to return to Pakistan. He made his way to the bus station, but a group of armed men beat him and stole his money, photographs, and travel documents. An elderly onlooker took pity on him and placed him in a taxi that took him to a nearby village in a valley of the Tora Bora mountains, where a small group of Uyghurs lived. By December, the US had begun relentlessly pounding the area with bombs. The mountains of Tora Bora were believed to be the hideout of Osama bin Laden.
Mohammed and more than a dozen other Uyghurs found refuge from the seemingly interminable barrage in a nearby cave. He passed his time reading, studying the Quran, and sharing stories with the men. Some who had settled there sought to escape persecution and were advocates for an independent Uyghur homeland. After roughly two months, the violence faded, and the men gathered their belongings and made their way to Pakistan. They traversed snow-capped ridges and precipitous valleys, following a group of locals who navigated the winter haze. After a few days, they reached a border village on the Pakistani side.
By then, the US had instituted a bounty system, encouraging Afghans and Pakistanis to identify and hand over suspected terrorists to US or Northern Alliance soldiers. Donald Rumsfeld, then secretary of defence, announced, “We have leaflets that are dropping like snowflakes” from helicopters and planes in both countries. One such flyer read, “Get wealth and power beyond your dreams....You can receive millions of dollars helping the anti-Taliban forces catch al-Qaida and Taliban murderers. This is enough money to take care of your family, your village, your tribe for the rest of your life.” According to Pakistans former president Pervez Musharraf, Pakistanis turned over at least 369 people. “We have earned bounties totalling millions of dollars,” he wrote in his 2006 memoir, *In the Line of Fire*. Human rights reports at the time noted that the process had turned into a black market for abductions, with hundreds of people arbitrarily detained.
Mohammed and more than a dozen Uyghur men were caught in the dragnet and handed over to bounty hunters for $5,000 (US) a head. They were flown to an American base in Kandahar, where Mohammed was interrogated and severely beaten. Soldiers stomped on his chest. In court documents, Mohammed recalled an interrogator acknowledging that he had been “at the wrong place at the wrong time.” After six months, soldiers prepared him for a transfer. He was stripped naked and humiliated. “They did very ugly things,” Mohammed described in a 2009 interview with a US researcher. Mohammed was hooded, bound, and loaded onto a military plane that took him to Guantánamo Bay, where a total of twenty-two Uyghur men who shared similar histories were held.
In the evening of September 11, 2001, Bush held a National Security Council meeting with his closest advisers. “The attacks provide a great opportunity to engage Russia and China,” he said, according to *The 9/11 Commission Report*. At the time, Xinjiang was relatively stable, yet China began to align with the USs all-encompassing global war on terror by rebranding Uyghur separatism and calls for independence as terrorism. The violence that China had previously depicted mostly as separatist activity and Uyghur unrest was reframed as an organized threat that was “externally instigated, terroristic in nature and specifically tied to al-Qaeda,” Justin Hastings, a professor of international relations and comparative politics at Sydney University, wrote in a 2011 paper in *The China Quarterly*. In November 2001, China circulated a document claiming that “Eastern Turkistan” forces, an inchoate umbrella group of forty organizations, had committed terrorist acts.
It professed that one such group, the Eastern Turkistan Islamic Movement (ETIM), was “a major component of the terrorist network headed by Osama bin Laden.” Bin Laden had allegedly financed the group, which China asserted was based in Afghanistan and comprised “320 terrorists from Xinjiang” led by a man named Hasan Mahsum. Human rights groups and activists widely saw this rhetorical shift as a cover to further repress the Uyghur people.
Initially, the US government resisted classifying Chinas local grievances with Uyghurs as terrorism. In an October 2001 address in Shanghai, Bush stressed that “no government should use our war against terrorism as an excuse to persecute minorities within their borders.” Lorne Craner, then US assistant secretary of state for democracy, human rights, and labour, claimed that China had “chosen to label all of those who advocate greater freedom in [Xinjiang]...as terrorists, and we dont think thats correct.”
China furthered its terrorist narrative in a January 2002 document in which it enumerated an extensive list of incidents that it defined as examples of jihad, attributing the “terrorist” threat to “East Turkistan” forces—including ETIM. “No international scholars studying Uyghurs at the time had ever heard of this group,” Roberts, the cultural anthropologist, says. In 2020, Roberts published a book titled *The War on Uyghurs*, which chronicles Chinas use of the war on terror to erase the cultural identity of Uyghurs. “It was an idea of basically one person [Mahsum] who was trying to establish an independence movement....Theres no evidence that [ETIM] succeeded in carrying out any violence,” inside China or anywhere in the world, Roberts says.
Meanwhile, Bush had given his evocative “axis of evil” speech, making clear his intent to go to war in Iraq. But the US needed Chinas support. Consequently, Mohammed and the twenty-one other Uyghur men detained in Guantánamo Bay “became pawns in negotiations concerning Chinas UN Security Council veto power and US policy toward Iraq,” according to a 2009 brief filed before the US Supreme Court on behalf of seventeen of them.
By August 2002, the US had publicly reversed its stance on the Uyghur threat. Richard Armitage, then deputy secretary of state, told journalists that he had discussed, “with our Chinese friends, the fact that we will consult with them as we move forward [about Iraq plans].” Journalists asked Armitage whether the US considered ETIM a terrorist organization and would support putting it on a list of terrorist organizations. “We did,” Armitage replied. Within days, the US embassy in Beijing announced the listing, replicating several of Chinas claims, but it also went further, accusing the group of working with al-Qaeda and “planning attacks against US interests abroad, including the US Embassy in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan.”
A year after 9/11, the US Terrorist Exclusion List and the UNs Al-Qaida Sanctions List had classified ETIM as a terrorist organization, augmenting Chinas framing of Uyghurs as a global terrorist threat. Such lists, though, were notoriously flawed. Following 9/11, the Bush administration “basically just ran forward and started making designations, without any due process, with very, very limited documentation,” says Thomas Biersteker, an honorary professor of international security at the Graduate Institute, in Geneva. The US would approach the Security Councils Al-Qaida and Taliban Sanctions Committee, responsible for reviewing designations and requests for delisting, and say, “We have a list of people associated with Bin Laden, people who finance Bin Laden, people who we suspect of either material or some kind of support. And basically, at that point in time,” Biersteker notes, “anything the US put on the table passed unanimously.” ETIM has since been removed from the US Terrorist Exclusion List.
The designations were highly controversial. Given the timing, many scholars, lawyers, and activists surmised that the move was a quid pro quo to gain Chinas support for the US invasion of Iraq several months later. Ultimately, the UN didnt support the Iraq invasion, and US officials denied this framing. “One of the reasons [ETIM] was designated,” testified Randall Schriver, then chief of staff and senior policy adviser to Armitage, before a 2009 congressional hearing, “is that we had a process where we could either corroborate information provided, independently gather and collect the information, or seek a third party.” This corroborating information, Schriver noted when pressed by the committee, was confidential. “That this [listing] was done solely to ingratiate ourselves with the Chinese and to try to enlist their co-operation in the global war on terror,” Schriver said, he found “difficult to accept and analytically unsound.”
Still, the consequences reverberated, spreading across lives and years. According to a 2004 declassified US Department of Defense memo signed by then commander of Guantánamo Geoffrey D. Miller—currently named in several European legal complaints for his alleged role in torture at Guantánamo Bay and Abu Ghraib—Mohammed had received training at an ETIM camp in Afghanistan, where Mahsum, the group leader, had been present. The memo concluded that Mohammed, who by then had been detained for nearly three years, was a probable member of ETIM, which, it claimed, was directly affiliated with and supported by al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups that “have made attacking Americans their main priority.” Mohammed told interrogators at Guantánamo that hed first heard of ETIM from them. “Maybe America named it like this,” he later said. “Maybe they thought that this was how to name the Uyghur movement.”
Around a year before Miller signed this memo, however, the US military had determined that Mohammed was not affiliated with al-Qaeda or the Taliban and was not a threat to US national security; officials recommended him for release and transfer to a third country. Yet the US could find no country willing to accept him. Following a US Supreme Court decision in 2004, the Uyghur detainees at Guantánamo—who had until then been held without charge—were permitted legal counsel and to challenge their detention through Combatant Status Review Tribunals (CSRTs), an arbitrary, controversial process later found to be unconstitutional. A *New York Times* article at the time cited a former national security official who said, “We were shocked that they even sent those guys [the Uyghurs] before the C.S.R.T.s....They had already been identified for release.”
In 2005, Mohammeds case was brought before the CSRTs, and instead of questioning his supposed membership with ETIM, the board, made up of three military members, asked him to respond to the claim that he had gone to Afghanistan for weapons training. According to unclassified tribunal hearing transcripts, Mohammed insisted that he had not gone to any camp for any kind of weapons training, nor did he belong to any political party. “In the world,” Mohammed told the CSRTs, “no place can you put a person in prison for three years and then you check their status. This is not right....Im suffering here.” Other Uyghur men noted in their hearings that they might have learned to use a weapon but that they did not consider where they stayed to be a “camp.” “It was a small place, and there were other Uyghurs there,” one man, Akhdar Qassim Basit, said, “a little Uyghur community where Uyghurs went—I do not know what you mean by the place called camp.” Another man, Ahmed Adil, was asked about his ties with ETIM and links to other terrorist organizations. “We shouldnt be accused of this,” he replied. “I dont believe it because our only problem is with the Chinese government. Theyve been torturing and fighting us for hundreds of years....This is the first time Im hearing that there is an Eastern Turkistan Islamic Movement.” Of the twenty-two Uyghur men, the CSRTs found that five did not meet the legal definition of “enemy combatant.” One of them was Mohammed.
At Guantánamo, Mohammed and the four other Uyghur detainees were placed in small cells. Mohammed felt like a caged bird. “Even birds are uncomfortable in cages. Even they cant survive in cages,” he says. “How can a man...survive in that small of a cage, where he can only walk one step, and then half another step, until he reaches the other side of the cage?”
The CSRTs ruling, however, allowed them to be transferred to Camp Iguana, an area of the detention facility that afforded more freedoms, where they could watch cartoons and *Harry Potter* movies. After determining that the Uyghur detainees could be released, the US government searched for a country willing to accept them—they could not be sent back to China for fear of torture or other persecution. According to a 2006 *New York Times* article citing a senior State Department official, more than 100 countries had been approached about accepting the Uyghur detainees, including Canada. Only Albania had agreed. Nearly five years after they had been imprisoned, the US flew Mohammed and the four other exonerated Uyghur men, in shackles, on a military transport plane overnight. They learned of their destination only a week prior to arriving.
The men were placed in a squalid government refugee facility on the outskirts of the capital, Tirana, that had been converted from an army barracks. “They were essentially dumped in Albania to largely fend for themselves,” says Wells Dixon, an attorney with the US Center for Constitutional Rights who had represented Mohammed and several other Uyghur men, pursuing vigorous litigation in US courts to secure their release and transfer. Life there was itself a kind of prison, with barbed wire on the windows, an evening curfew, and armed police guards. There was talk among the other residents of the men being terrorists, and locals suspected them of being American spies. “At one point, I told the camp director that I wanted to return to Guantánamo. Its better than this,” Mohammed says. It was then he realized “that we would never really be free.”
One afternoon last summer, I met Mohammed in downtown Tirana, at an air-conditioned meeting space near trendy cafés and communist landmarks. He wore a cotton shirt and shorts, had beard stubble with the odd grey hair and an expressive face that lit up or dropped relative to his emotion. It had been fifteen years since his release from Guantánamo.
After Mohammed had spent about a year in the refugee facility, the Albanian government gave the men a modest monthly stipend of $300 or $350 (US) for all expenses. Unable to communicate with his family in Xinjiang out of concern for their safety, Mohammed set about building a life. Hed learned basic English at Guantánamo, and in Albania, he kept a diary in which he scribbled his daily tasks, logged whom hed met and where hed gone, and included English-class writing prompts about Led Zeppelin and Babe Ruth.
He enrolled in further education, made friends with his classmates, and received a bachelors degree and a masters degree thanks to a donor who funded his studies, which were facilitated by the Center for Constitutional Rights. And he met and married Mailikaimu. The couple had two children—a daughter, now ten, and a son, five. Both children are Canadian citizens and reside primarily in Montreal, where a small Uyghur community helps keep their history and traditions alive.
After Mohammed recounted his history to me, three of his friends, fellow former detainees at Guantánamo, soon joined us. As the few Uyghurs in Albania who understand one anothers hardship, the men, ranging in age from late thirties to early fifties, gather regularly—theyve celebrated births, marriages, and family reunifications. As we sat together around a table, the men spoke of the indelible stigma they carry from Guantánamo and of the history of Uyghur oppression. China has consistently sought the mens extradition, claiming they are terrorists.
Over the years, the men, who still have family back in Xinjiang, watched from afar as Chinese authorities detained thousands of Uyghurs, Kazakhs, Hui, and other Turkic and Muslim minorities. By 2018, upward of a million people were held in a sophisticated expanse of secret prison and detention facilities, or “reeducation camps.” People have reported widespread torture and sexual abuse as well as forced sterilization. Mohammed believes that almost every member of his family, at one point or another, has been held in detention facilities.
Due to their uncertain status in Albania, the men fear that one day they may be returned to China to face a similar fate. Mohammeds lack of travel documents means that, when his children and Mailikaimu are not visiting Albania on school breaks and holidays, he is separated from them. Mailikaimu needed to sponsor Mohammed as her spouse for permanent residency in Canada, a lengthy process—further protracted in complex cases—that involves proving the genuineness of the relationship and adequate finances. Mohammed has twice been rejected. “I cant complete my dreams,” he told me. “Almost sixteen years in Albania, no proper ID, days just passing by. This is our situation. As Uyghurs from East Turkistan, since weve gotten to Albania, we continue to be victims of politics among nations, a sacrifice to their interests.”
In 2016, Prasanna Balasundaram, then in his mid-thirties and an attorney with Downtown Legal Services, the University of Toronto faculty of law clinic, received an email from a Toronto-based lawyer named Timothy Wichert. Wichert had contacted a listserv of refugee lawyers, of which Balasundaram was a member, requesting assistance: a Uyghur man whose wife had sponsored him for permanent residency in Canada had been found inadmissible due to membership in a terrorist organization. Wichert was looking for an attorney who could take on the case, to challenge the decision in a process of judicial review before the Federal Court of Canada. “What jumped out at me,” Balasundaram says, “was the fact that hed been detained at Guantánamo and exonerated at his Combatant Status Review Tribunal, resettled in Albania, and found [by Canada] to be a member of the same terrorist organization that he was found to be exonerated from in Guantánamo.”
Mailikaimu and Mohammed had retained Wichert, in 2014, on a pro bono basis to prepare a spousal sponsorship application for Mohammeds permanent residency, which they submitted that spring. Wichert argued that there should be no issue regarding Mohammeds admissibility to Canada because no charges were ever laid against him: he was exonerated, released from custody, and transferred to Albania after an extensive investigation by US authorities. Still, two years later, Canadian immigration officials determined that Mohammed was inadmissible, citing national security concerns, and held that there were reasonable grounds to believe Mohammed was a member of ETIM, which they claimed was an organization that engaged in acts of terrorism. “That [terrorist] label, it sticks to me everywhere I go,” Mohammed says. “Its always there.”
What struck Balasundaram was the “absurdity” of the inadmissibility finding. “Its a clear example of unfair and unjust prevention of family reunification here in Canada,” he says. The Uyghurs “were exonerated in a very stacked process against them, in which literally the most powerful intelligence-gathering institutions in the history of humanity were directed toward finding any reason to continue detaining these people, and they turned up nothing.”
Balasundaram and his team found several procedural-fairness issues in Mohammeds inadmissibility finding. In January 2015, during the application process, Mohammed was called to the honorary consulate of Canada in Tirana for what he thought was a routine interview. The interviewer was dressed in plain clothes and did not introduce themselves or provide identification. Mohammeds keys and phone were confiscated, and he was not provided an interpreter; he interviewed in English out of fear of jeopardizing his application.
Documents later revealed that a government “security partner” had conducted the interview. Yet this person had not advised Mohammed of its potential legal implications, particularly the risk of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service sharing information with foreign entities despite the possibility of ensuing mistreatment or torture, as had occurred in the high-profile cases of Maher Arar and Ahmad El-Maati.
Over a year later, Mohammed was called for a second interview, this time by a uniformed officer named Jennifer Woo, who did not inform him that the contents of the interview would be part of the admissibility decision. Woo questioned Mohammed on “allegations from unnamed parties” that Mohammed “was a member of ETIM and had participated in hostilities against the US.” Disclosures later revealed that the officer had communicated with a senior litigation analyst at Citizenship and Immigration Canada before the interview.
Although heavily redacted, the email exchange between Woo and the analyst is illuminating. The analyst provides Woo with detailed instructions on interviewing Mohammed. “I understand that the [applicant] was interviewed in the past and wasnt forthcoming. However, he may give you a bit more or you can hold it against him this time if he is not forthcoming as the interview will be ours,” the analyst wrote. “Offer him some water and the good chair....I would conclude the interview by asking him his opinion on the djihad and of the involvement of Canada in the coalition against ISIS.” The analyst then guided Woo on how to word her admissibility concerns: “I have reasonable grounds to believe the following: you were a member of ETIM or ETIP—a listed entity that has been linked to al-Qaeda—and you went and joined al-Qaeda in Afghanistan to fight the US troops.” The analyst advised this despite Mohammed having arrived in Afghanistan before the US announced its invasion.
“There was a strategy at play,” Balasundaram says. “Give him the comfortable chair, like essentially lull him into a sense of comfort and ease, and then essentially put to him a series of questions that was going to result in him being found inadmissible. It wasnt an open-ended query to determine whether or not he was inadmissible.” At the end of the interview, Woo informed Mohammed for the first time of admissibility concerns. (Woo did not respond to requests for comment.)
A few months later, Mohammed received the finding of inadmissibility to Canada based on security grounds, Section 34 (1)(c) and (f) of the Immigration and Refugee Protection Act. The officer provided no substantive reasons.
In 2019, Balasundaram argued the case before the Federal Court. Mailikaimu attended along with some thirty Uyghur people from the Toronto community, who came to offer support. Justice Martine St-Louis ordered a redetermination of Mohammeds permanent residency application, citing violations of procedural fairness, some of which, she said, were “flagrant.” The process to reexamine Mohammeds case stalled for nearly a year. The Canadian embassy in Rome, which dealt with permanent residency applications in the region, cancelled its interview with Mohammed due to a request for an over-the-phone interpreter it deemed last minute and claimed could pose privacy concerns. It then transferred his application to the High Commission of Canada in Nairobi; by this time, his case had been pending for some six years.
Mailikaimu and the children were living full-time in Montreal, where she could work and access child-care support from her family and the children could build their futures. Mohammed found that the physical distance created a barrier in his relationship with his kids. He would alter his schedule to wish them a good day before they went to school and speak on WhatsApp video when they came home. His daughter would cry after seeing her father onscreen. His son would throw fits and could sometimes muster only the words “I miss you.” The boy, who felt abandoned, would look to the sky when a plane passed overhead and ask if it was his father arriving.
In spring 2020, Mohammed finally received a letter outlining the Canadian immigration officers admissibility concerns. These included Mohammeds alleged membership in ETIM and his credibility related to his obtaining a US visa in Pakistan and travelling to Afghanistan. The officer supported the notion that ETIM is a terrorist organization based on several questionable sources, including the UN Security Councils 2002 listing of the group, the US Terrorist Exclusion List, a US Department of State country report that listed several ETIM terrorism incidents in China, and a BBC article titled “Q&A East Turkestan Islamic Movement.”
Through his lawyers, Mohammed responded to the concerns by submitting sources—US court records, US congressional testimony, and academic and scholarly work—that indicated the reliability of such documents must be scrutinized. Mohammeds submissions laid out his position: little independent evidence corroborated Chinas claims about ETIMs existence or capacity to carry out violent acts, and the terrorism listings were widely thought to be politicized. The officer, though, was not convinced. “I note that it is a serious allegation to suggest that the U.N. Security Council and the U.S. government would list an entity as a terrorist organization when it is not a terrorist organization,” the officer responded.
To support the admissibility concerns, the officer relied on notes from interviews that Justice St-Louis had found to have breached procedural fairness. While the officer referred to the declassified US Department of Defense document that claimed Mohammed had received weapons training at an ETIM training camp and was a probable ETIM member, they failed to cite other declassified documents illustrating that the US government had later overturned such claims and found Mohammed not to be an enemy combatant. “The officer appears to have selectively relied on out-of-date, incorrect, and unreliable evidence to support the inadmissibility allegations,” Mohammed submitted. “All of the other...documents pertain to general information about ETIM and make no reference to Mr. Mohammed or information that would support a link between the group and Mr. Mohammed.”
Mohammed maintained, once again, that he was not a member of ETIM and had known nothing of the group until interrogators questioned him in detention at Guantánamo. “While I accept that the applicant may not have had knowledge of the ETIM name at the time he was [in Afghanistan],” the officer rebutted, “if a person joins a game where people pass pucks with sticks on ice but does not know it is called hockey, that does not mean this person was not playing hockey.’”
Back in 2006, after the US transferred Mohammed to Albania, seventeen Uyghur men remained in detention at Guantánamo. In a case on behalf of Huzaifa Parhat and the sixteen others, a US federal court considered whether the CSRTs labelling of Parhat as an “enemy combatant” was supported by a preponderance of evidence. “The Tribunals findings regarding the Uighur group rest, in key respects, on statements in classified State and Defense Department documents that provide no information regarding the sources of the reporting on which the statements are based, and otherwise lack sufficient indicia of the statements reliability,” it noted. “Parhat contends, with support of his own, that the Chinese government is the source of several of the key statements.”
The US government had relied on four classified documents to support its claims that ETIM is associated with al-Qaeda and the Taliban and has engaged in hostilities. The public version of the courts opinion redacts its discussion of the classified documents, but the court made public a damning assessment:
The documents make assertions...about activities undertaken by ETIM and about the organizations relationship to al-Qaida and the Taliban. The documents repeatedly describe those activities and relationships as having reportedly occurred, as being said to or reported to have happened, and as things that may be true or are suspected of having taken place. But in virtually every instance, the documents do not say who reported or said or suspected those things. Nor do they provide any of the underlying reporting upon which the documents bottom-line assertions are founded, nor any assessment of the reliability of that reporting.
The court unanimously cleared Parhat of “enemy combatant” classification and determined there was no evidence that Parhat was a member of ETIM, no credible evidence that ETIM was associated with al-Qaeda or the Taliban, and no credible evidence that ETIM had ever fought the US.
“The Uyghurs are not terrorists...or have undergone terrorist training,” Susan Baker Manning, an attorney who represented several of the Uyghur men before US courts, noted in a subcommittee hearing. “Many of them were previously accused of having obtained military training because they were shown how to break down and reassemble a single Kalashnikov rifle. Some, but not all, fired two or three bullets at a target. To call that military training or terrorist training is absurd.”
In July 2020, a Canadian parliamentary subcommittee held a hearing on the human rights situation of Uyghurs in Xinjiang. Alex Neve, then secretary-general of Amnesty International Canada, raised the case of Mohammed as well as those of other Uyghur men with similar stories living in third countries, including two Uyghur men who had been resettled in Bermuda, have Canadian wives and children, and are seeking family reunification in Canada. “The anguish and injustice that has befallen those individuals and families,” Neve said, “is frankly unconscionable. Canada could solve that situation in a few days or weeks.”
A month later, Mohammed was found to be inadmissible to Canada on security grounds for the second time. To point out inconsistencies in Mohammeds story, the officer relied in part on Mohammeds testimony, during which he said that, in Afghanistan, he had stayed in a “cave” with “weapons” versus another instance in which he said he had been in a “village” with “a single old rifle.” The officer raised further credibility concerns by referring to a book that quotes Mohammed as having travelled to Afghanistan when he was sixteen versus his testimony, which has consistently said he was eighteen. The author of the book had relied on an interpreter who had mistranslated Mohammed.
In October 2020, Mohammed and Mailikaimu once again filed a case before the Federal Court for judicial review of the inadmissibility decision. They argued that it should be either quashed or sent back for redetermination because of possible bias in the assessment of his application: there was the delay in processing Mohammeds case, the failure to afford him a new interview, and the lack of adequate disclosure given to him. The state has countered that Mohammed contributed significantly to the delay of his case, the allegation of bias is groundless, and he fully participated in the transparent process. The decision to hold Mohammed inadmissible was reasonable, the state maintained, since “he lived in a cave for three months in Afghanistan around September 2001 with other ethnic Uighurs from China who were fighting for the independence of Turkistan...and who had weapons for training against China.” The case is now pending.
In February 2021, Canadas Parliament voted to recognize Chinas treatment of Uyghurs in Xinjiang as genocide. Prime minister Justin Trudeau and nearly his entire cabinet, however, abstained. Trudeau had previously told reporters that genocide was an “extremely loaded” term and that Canada would continue to monitor the situation before making a determination. “We have been consistent in our concerns and our condemnation of human rights violations around the world...including in Xinjiang,” Trudeau said. Last March, Canada joined the US, EU, and UK in slapping sanctions on four Chinese officials and one entity for human rights violations in Xinjiang, which heightened diplomatic tensions. Yet the prime minister has come under fire recently for not taking a harder stance against China for its human rights abuses and instead acting in favour of maintaining strong diplomatic and economic ties.
The decision not to resettle the former Guantánamo Uyghurs, according to Mehmet Tohti, a Uyghur Canadian activist, is “merely political.” For Canada to not welcome the men and unite them with their families is a moral and humanitarian crisis. Dixon, Mohammeds first lawyer, echoes Tohti. “There is not a serious, credible argument that the Uyghurs detained at Guantánamo were terrorists or were a threat to anybody. To suggest that theyre a national security threat to Canada is laughable. It discredits the integrity of the Canadian government to suggest that these men pose a threat to anybody,” he says. “They suffer stigma, which is used and invoked by countries that dont want to accept them. They are labelled as dangerous or terrorists. And that is done for political convenience.”
Last summer, Mohammed once again drove to the Tirana International Airport, this time to be reunited with his children. He had purchased toys and candy and drawn a Welcome Home sign, which he had hung in his apartment along with ribbons and balloons. It had been more than two years since he had last seen his wife and children, before they were separated by finances and the COVID-19 pandemic.
One afternoon, I visited Mohammeds two-bedroom apartment in a modest building on the outskirts of the city. Mailikaimu had arranged an elaborate spread of fresh and dried fruit. Their daughter stroked Mailikaimus hair while their son climbed his father like a tree, kissing his face. Mohammed left the room with his children. “I havent stopped fighting to reunite my family,” Mailikaimu explained. “Not everyone can survive what Ayoob has survived with their soul intact. What was done to him, being separated from his family [in Xinjiang], from us. Its tough. But I can tell you that, from his manners, the way that he treats me, Ive learned what it is to be a good husband; from his manners and the way that he treats our children, Ive learned what a good father is. There are so many bad things in this world, so many bad and unjust things in this world, and he has chosen the side of good and justice in spite of all the bad that he has lived through.” Tears streaked her cheeks. “We dont deserve this injustice on our family, our people, this twenty-first-century genocide that is happening in our homeland....Were just simple people trying to live and survive in this world.”
Near the kitchen window, a small bird flitted about in a gilded cage. A family friend had surprised their son with it as a gift, but it disturbed Mohammed. “I want so bad to set that bird free, but Im concerned that he might not be able to fly or survive,” Mohammed told me. Mailikaimu listened, and later, as Mohammed played with his children in the next room, she said, “Ayoob has been living like a bird in a cage in Albania, and my hope is that hell finally be able to fly out of that cage. That hell finally be able to put the past behind him and start anew. This is my hope and dream for our life in Canada.”
Recently, when I spoke with Mohammed, he told me about the bird. Hed tried to set it free, but it couldnt fly on its own. He set up branches in the kitchen and kept the cage door open. Sometimes the bird would take short flights, but it would soon run out of breath. “I guess thats what happens when youre in a cage for too long. I want to be free,” he said, but like that bird, “I still have a ring around my leg.” 
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@ -0,0 +1,120 @@
---
Alias: []
Tag:
- Tech
- Offline
- Wellbeing
Date: 2022-03-06
DocType: WebClipping
Hierarchy:
TimeStamp:
link: "https://www.raptitude.com/2022/02/what-i-learned-during-my-three-days-offline"
location: ~
CollapseMetaTable: "Yes"
---
Parent:: [[@News|News]]
Read:: No
---
# What I Learned During My Three Days Offline
<img alt="Post image for What I Learned During My Three Days Offline" src="https://www.raptitude.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/stephane-yaich-FvCJngDy2ao-unsplash600.jpg" height="374" width="600" />
As most of you know, I just took [three days completely offline](https://www.raptitude.com/2022/02/how-to-make-the-internet-small-again/) so that I could discover what would be difficult about it.
I have so much to say about that three days, and first thing I would like to report is that there was almost nothing difficult about it.
To my surprise, I didnt crave the internet at all. I wasnt dying to check email, judge people on Twitter, or figure out the days Wordle. Instead I did my daily work — very little of which requires the internet, I discovered — and simply lived life in the physical world.
This simplicity was disorienting in a way. Many times a day I would finish whatever activity I was doing, and realize there was nothing to do but consciously choose another activity and then do that. This is how I made my first bombshell discovery: I take out my phone every time I finish doing basically *anything*, knowing there will be new emails or mentions or some other dopaminergic prize to collect. I have been inserting an open-ended period of pointless dithering after every intentional task.
With my phone parked in a cardboard pouch taped to my kitchen wall, this ritual was unavailable, so I again and again found myself hitting a kind of intentionless vacuum, where nothing would happen until I consciously formed a new intention to get on with the day, in a way of my choosing. I cant convey the strangeness of this feeling — it was like repeatedly discovering that I had misplaced my cane again, only to remember I can walk just fine.
This new mode of living came with another alien sensation: that of having tons of time. The days were long and waiting for me to fill them, like so many empty moving trucks. There was nothing to do but *do* things.
My attention span did improve noticeably. By the second day, both reading and meditation were far less effortful than theyve been for the past few years, and I didnt have to mentally “roll up my sleeves” to begin doing them. This was thrilling, and in hindsight should not be surprising - my phone habits could only have trained my attention to branch constantly, seeking gratification on demand, and instantly-Googled answers to every question occurring to the mind.
Life seemed quieter — calm and simple and local to the room I was in, like it does after a spa visit or meditation retreat. Even the experience of passive entertainment became simpler and less stressful. If I put on a movie, I would simply watch the movie until it was either over or it was clear Id rather do something else. Then I would go and do something else, rather than drift away into my phone, where I would browse my WhatsApp chats, skip through peoples boring Instagram stories, or look up how old the actors were during filming.
And thus I learned what was probably the most important lesson of the three days: without the internet, there was no way to collapse into the mushy, nihilistic state of *semi-doing*. There was just doing. I could always choose *what* to do, but not *not* to do.
### **Checking the Weather** ###
Throughout the three days I wrote on a clipboard things I later wanted to do or look up online. There were surprisingly few instances when I found I needed certain information right away. A few times while running errands I flipped on mobile data to look up an address, then flipped it off, email unchecked.
My mom and I had discussed vague plans to go for a walk, and I wanted to check the forecast before proposing a time and place. I quickly realized I didnt have access to basic weather information.
I was proud of my elegant, old-fashioned solution. I called and asked my mom if she had seen the forecast. She had, and she told me what it was.
Normally, by that time of day (noonish), I would have checked the weather 17 times or so already, all but one of them a pointless reflexive tic.
### **The Return of “The World Out There”** ###
The larger goal that inspired this experiment is to figure out how to “[put the internet back into a box in the basement](https://www.raptitude.com/2018/02/its-time-to-put-the-internet-back-into-a-box-in-the-basement/)” — that is, make it a contained tool I use only intentionally and sparingly. I did achieve this to some degree, and with that came many nostalgic feelings of what my mind used to be like.
The most important of these feelings was a distinct sense that theres a whole world out there. Not out there on the internet, but out there over the horizon. Out there in this same world are jungle cats, opera houses, subterranean hideouts, breakdancing circles, riverside tire swings, and old women playing mahjong. There are desert caravans and bullet trains and foggy valleys and kangaroos, and I can one day visit some of these things or maybe just read about them.
Reconnecting with this feeling, which I used to have all the time, made me realize what exactly has happened to the internet over the past decade. It used to function as a magic window onto our vast and colorful world, and that made it very exciting to look through. Today, my internet experience is so uniformly shaped by the big platforms that I have little sense that the world its showing me is vast or interesting at all. It shows me the same expected things every day the same partisan opinions, the same jokes, the same forms of recreational scrolling and tapping, the same tone and feeling. To go on the internet today - at least without very specific intentions — is to swallow another large bucket of the same tepid punch you have every day.
This is not because weve looked out the magic window so much that weve seen everything by now, its because the big online platforms have a certain business model, and that model entails a very uniform experience for its users, characterized by familiar memes, a poisonous culture war, and approval points in the form of hearts and stars. The typical online experience has become a very small and limited thing - something the world itself has never been.
After spending only a few days away from this experience, the world feels more like a vast and colorful thing again. Everything that hints at the real world out there what I read in books, what my friends tell me about their lives, what I see when I go places in my city makes the world seem like its bursting with things Ive never known or seen, which of course it is and always was.
### **What Happened When I Went Online Again** ###
The first morning I was allowed to use the internet again, I waited until late morning. I already knew I never wanted to go back to all-day reflexive internet use.
My first stop was meant to be harmless enough Wordle, the trendy guess-the-word game that takes about three minutes and only lets you play it once a day. I felt the usual excitement when those first green-boxed letters appeared, but there was also a background unease to the whole thing. It felt like my life, which had been so vital and interesting lately, was on pause until I got the puzzle. The simple loop of intending and doing I had enjoyed for the past three days was now on hold, if only for a few minutes, until I figured out a five-letter word with “Y” as its second letter. This delay felt not just unnecessary, but borderline nihilistic, and I was relieved to be done with it. In my notes I described it as a “mild purgatory” — like being stuck in human flypaper.
Then I went on Instagram, and had a similar experience. There was some initial gratification at seeing what my friends had been up to. Smiling faces. Cakes. Dogs. Toddlers. Mostly good feelings. But I also had that feeling that I was again delaying the living of life until I completed a three-minute ritual with marginal rewards and no clear purpose. Pictures had to be scrolled through, liked, tapped. Political opinions had to be scowled at, affirmed, or ignored.
I did it quickly because I had many more rituals to complete afterward Gmail, Twitter, fantasy hockey, WhatsApp banter, chess games in progress. Aside from a few necessary emails and messages from friends, none of them seemed to justify the short but complete stoppage of living and doing that they demanded.
### **How I Want to Use the Internet** ###
In the days since the experiment, Ive found myself thumbing through my internet rituals out of habit, and unfortunately the absurdity of them doesnt hit me as strongly as on that first day back.
I realize now that putting the internet [back into a box in the basemen](https://www.raptitude.com/2018/02/its-time-to-put-the-internet-back-into-a-box-in-the-basement/)t in a lasting way will require explicit boundaries, and I will have to practice observing them.
Heres a list of proposed rules I typed out after that first disorienting day back. These are the boundaries Id like to observe, given my own routines. If the idea of putting the internet back into a box appeals to you, you might want to try something similar, adjusting for your own habits.
1. By default, data and Wi-Fi on my devices is off, and the laptop is closed. Calls and texts are accepted.
2. By default, the phone is out of arms reach (in its wall-mounted holster in the kitchen, if possible)
3. By default, I dont use the internet before 11am
4. By default, Saturday and Sunday are offline days
5. By default, one or two weekdays are offline days (which ones depend on the week)
6. By default, before turning on data or Wi-Fi, I list on a sticky note what Im going to do online
7. By default, dont choose an online activity when an offline one will do
8. By default, avoid taking on hobbies that require regular internet use
9. When you notice youre ignoring these rules, close the laptop and put the phone away, and choose an offline activity to do for a while\*
The “by default” part is important. This list represents the way Id like to use the internet most of the time. The rules wont make sense in every situation, but Id like to follow them unless I have a clear reason not to.
These rules wont be right for everyone I dont tend to overdo text messages, for example, so I dont feel a need to limit them but they could be a starting point for your own boundaries if you want to make the internet a smaller thing in your life.
### **Living Without a Ripcord** ###
Perhaps the fundamental lesson of this experiment was that the vast majority of my internet use simply serves to delay the rest of my life. Its a way of momentarily escaping the responsibility of using my life intentionally — a ripcord I apparently want to pull constantly.
It was a relief to discover that living without this ripcord quickly came to feel very natural and familiar. Its as though I used to live this way all the time.
\*\*\*
\*This is where a [Cupboard Sheet](https://www.raptitude.com/2020/06/how-to-feel-better-when-you-dont-know-whats-wrong/) comes in handy.
*Photos by [Stephane Yaich](https://unsplash.com/@stefyaich), David Cain, [CardMapr](https://unsplash.com/@cardmapr), [Meg Jerrard](https://unsplash.com/@mappingmegantravel)*, *[Wesley Hilario](https://unsplash.com/@wesley_squared), [Qi Bin](https://unsplash.com/@chenpitu), and David Cain*
### Need help focusing? ###
[<img alt="" src="https://www.raptitude.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/amanda-jones-feLC4ZCxGqk-unsplash-550-e1623167046930.jpg" height="120" width="180" />](https://www.raptitude.com/2021/06/how-to-get-things-done-when-you-have-trouble-getting-things-done/)The big productivity books are written by people who don't especially struggle with productivity. The rest of us find other ways. I shared mine in [this post](https://www.raptitude.com/2021/06/how-to-get-things-done-when-you-have-trouble-getting-things-done/).

@ -154,7 +154,7 @@ where ReadingState = "In progress"
&emsp; &emsp;
### 5 Article ideas ### 6 Article ideas
&emsp; &emsp;
@ -170,7 +170,7 @@ limit 6
&emsp; &emsp;
### 3 Recipe ideas to try ### 3 Recipe ideas
&emsp; &emsp;

@ -81,13 +81,27 @@ dv.view("00.01 Admin/dv-views/query_recipe", {course: "Dessert", category: "Tart
&emsp; &emsp;
### Pancacke ### Pancacke
[[#^Top|TOP]]
&emsp; &emsp;
```dataviewjs ```dataviewjs
dv.view("00.01 Admin/dv-views/query_recipe", {course: "Dessert", category: "Pancacke"}) dv.view("00.01 Admin/dv-views/query_recipe", {course: "Dessert", category: "Pancacke"})
``` ```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Fruit
&emsp;
```dataviewjs
dv.view("00.01 Admin/dv-views/query_recipe", {course: "Dessert", category: "Fruit"})
```
[[#^Top|TOP]] [[#^Top|TOP]]
&emsp; &emsp;

@ -0,0 +1,154 @@
---
ServingSize: 4
cssclass: recipeTable
Alias: []
Tag: ["NotYetTested"]
Date: 2022-03-06
DocType: "Recipe"
Hierarchy: "NonRoot"
location:
CollapseMetaTable: Yes
Meta:
IsFavourite: False
Rating:
Recipe:
Courses: Dessert
Categories: Fruit
Collections: American
Source: https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/classic-bananas-foster
PreparationTime:
CookingTime: 20
OServingSize: 4
Ingredients:
- 3 Tbsp. pecans
- 4 Tbsp. unsalted butter, cut into pieces
- 50 g dark brown sugar
- 0.5 tsp. ground cinnamon
- 0.25 tsp. ground cardamom
- 0.5 tsp. vanilla extract
- 2 whole bananas, halved lengthwise, then crosswise
- 1 pinch Kosher salt
- 3 Tbsp. dark rum (80100 proof)
- 1 pot Vanilla ice cream (for serving)
---
Parent:: [[@@Recipes|Recipes]], [[@Desserts|Desserts]]
---
&emsp;
```button
name Edit Recipe parameters
type command
action MetaEdit: Run MetaEdit
id EditMetaData
```
^button-BananaFosterEdit
```button
name Save
type command
action Save current file
id Save
```
^button-BananaFosterNSave
&emsp;
# Banana Foster
&emsp;
```toc
style: number
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Practical Informations
```dataview
list without id
"<table><tbody><tr><td><a class=heading>Courses</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.Courses + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Categories</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.Categories + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Collections</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.Collections + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Serving size</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.ServingSize + "</span></td></tr>"
+
"<tr><td><a class=heading>Cooking time</a></td>"
+
"<td><span style='color: var(--footnote);'>" + this.Recipe.CookingTime + " min</span></td></tr></tbody></table>"
FROM "03.03 Food & Wine/Banana Foster"
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Ingredients
&emsp;
```dataviewjs
dv.view("00.01 Admin/dv-views/query_ingredient", {ingredients: dv.current().Ingredients, originalportioncount: dv.current().Recipe.OServingSize})
```
&emsp;
---
&emsp;
### Instructions
&emsp;
#### Step 1
Preheat oven to 325°. Toast **3 Tbsp. pecans** on a small rimmed baking sheet, tossing halfway through, until slightly darkened in color and fragrant, 1012 minutes. Let cool, then coarsely chop.
&emsp;
#### Step 2
Heat **4 Tbsp. unsalted butter, cut into pieces**, **¼ cup (packed; 50 g) dark brown sugar**, **½ tsp. ground cinnamon**, and **¼ tsp. ground cardamom**in a medium skillet over medium-high, whisking constantly as the mixture bubbles, until butter is melted and incorporated, about 1 minute. Add **½ tsp. vanilla extract** and cook sauce, continuing to whisk, until slightly thickened, about 30 seconds.
&emsp;
#### Step 3
Arrange **2 bananas, halved lengthwise, then crosswise**, cut side down, in pan and cook, shaking pan occasionally, until lightly browned, 3060 seconds. Using tongs or a small spatula, turn bananas over and sprinkle cut sides with **kosher salt**. Cook, shaking pan occasionally, until bananas are browned and coated in sauce, 3060 seconds. Remove from heat.
&emsp;
#### Step 4
Drizzle **3 Tbsp. dark rum (80100 proof)** over bananas and sauce. Using lighter, carefully ignite sauce and flambé, shaking pan occasionally, until flame goes out.
&emsp;
#### Step 5
Top with scoops of **vanilla ice cream** and scatter pecans over.

@ -306,6 +306,7 @@ title: Piwigo
<p style="color:orange">Youtube with no ads</p> | **Piped** | [here]([](https://piped-docs.kavin.rocks/docs/self-hosting/)) | videos <p style="color:orange">Youtube with no ads</p> | **Piped** | [here]([](https://piped-docs.kavin.rocks/docs/self-hosting/)) | videos
<p style="color:orangered">[[NextDNS\|DNS resolver]]</p> | **AdGuard Home** | [here](https://cyberhost.uk/adguard-setup/) | dns-resolver <p style="color:orangered">[[NextDNS\|DNS resolver]]</p> | **AdGuard Home** | [here](https://cyberhost.uk/adguard-setup/) | dns-resolver
<p style="color:orange">Online identity</p> | **authentik**<br>**authelia** | [Welcome \| authentik](https://goauthentik.io/)<br>[GitHub - authelia/authelia: The Single Sign-On Multi-Factor portal for web apps](https://github.com/authelia/authelia) | identity <p style="color:orange">Online identity</p> | **authentik**<br>**authelia** | [Welcome \| authentik](https://goauthentik.io/)<br>[GitHub - authelia/authelia: The Single Sign-On Multi-Factor portal for web apps](https://github.com/authelia/authelia) | identity
| <a style='color:orange'>Online pantry</a> | Grocy | [grocy - ERP beyond your fridge](https://grocy.info/) | groceries
Database: MySQL, MariaDB, Postgres Database: MySQL, MariaDB, Postgres

@ -48,4 +48,8 @@
2022/03/01 Flumseberg day pass (x2) 2022/03/01 Flumseberg day pass (x2)
expenses:Sport:CHF CHF126.00 expenses:Sport:CHF CHF126.00
assets:Cash:CHF
2022/03/06 Weekend expenses
expenses:Current expenses:CHF CHF150.00
assets:Cash:CHF assets:Cash:CHF
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